Title: Owen’s a Psychic
By: amuly
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Word Count: 3,814
Rating: R
Summary: Owen gains temporary psychic abilities and has to endure Jack and Ianto’s thoughts. Slight crack!fic. Set during Gwen’s honeymoon after “Something Borrowed”.
Warnings: Voyeurism, exhibitionism, quick bondage/S&M descriptions
A/N: I know, silly/ridiculous. I just love bugging Owen; he makes it too easy. I actually had a lot of trouble writing this fic: I think telepath!character makes fics really difficult to write. Hopefully this came out all right.

Ianto’s day:

            Ianto rolled over in bed, groaning at the sound of his PDA beeping. His arm reached out from under the covers and batted at it, finally dragging it close enough to his face to read. “Rift activity.”

            Behind him, Jack snuffled into his neck. “It’s not important. Stay asleep. Boss’ orders.”

            Ianto struggled against Jack’s warm embrace. “No, it’s sizable. Come on, we can’t let Tosh and Owen go on their own.”

            Jack wrapped his legs around Ianto’s and held on tight. “Owen’s dead, he didn’t get to drink and shag after the wedding last night. Let him go deal with it.”

            Rolling his eyes in exasperation, Ianto turned his neck to try and look at Jack. “Come on, get up. Get up or sleep at the Hub tonight. Alone.”

            With a reluctant groan Jack disentangled his legs from Ianto’s and rolled out of bed. Ianto headed for the kitchen, throwing a pot on for the two of them as Jack got dressed. Jack had apparently put his comm back in (which they barely remembered to take out the night before; that could have been disastrous) and was barking orders to Owen and Tosh. Sighing, Ianto walked back into the bedroom, scratching his stomach and stretching lazily.

            Jack mouthed “coffee on?” to Ianto as he listened to someone’s response on the comm. Ianto nodded, then turned and looked through his closet for a suit. Picking a subdued combination of grey-blue shirt with a dark blue tie, Ianto got dressed, ignoring Jack’s disappointed looks.

            Five minutes later Jack sped them across town, a thermos filled with Ianto’s coffee clutched in hand. Ianto was flicking through his PDA and communicating closely with Owen, who had already arrived on site. “I don’t care if it’s just a box, you really shouldn’t be poking at it.”

            “Hey, I’m dead, what could possibly happen?”

            Jack and Ianto exchanged a glance. “You could die again. Can’t you just leave off it until Tosh gets there?”

            Ianto could hear Owen grumbling and stomping around for a moment. “Fine, whatever. I’ll just sit here and be useless.”

            “I didn’t say that. Set up a containment area, cordon it off from the public. If people start asking questions give them a standard excuse and try to send them away.”

            “Isn’t this normally your job, Yan?”

            Ianto and Jack shared another look. “Owen, stop complaining and do your job. We’ll be there in five.” Jack set his thermos in the cup holder and placed his free hand on Ianto’s thigh.

Ianto patted it reassuringly. “It’s fine, he just doesn’t have any bedside manner for dealing with the public, and he knows it.”

Jack leaned over wickedly. “But you have an amazing bedside -”

“Jack, the road!”

***

            Ianto and Jack jumped out of the SUV, having successfully made it to the site that the Rift monitor had indicated alive. Ianto immediately walked over to the gaggle of press and public servants who were crowded around an exasperated Owen. “Listen, this is Torchwood business, and if you don’t get back, I will shoot you.”

            “Right, that’s enough of that.” Ianto stepped between Owen and the crowd before he could make good on his threat. “Owen, why don’t you head over to Jack while I handle this.”

            “About bloody time.” Owen walked away briskly, obviously happy to be rid of dealing with the public.

            “Sorry everyone, there’s really nothing to see here. Just a standard retrieval unit for some scrap. However, if it turns out that something requires any of your attentions, I will be sure to contact your organization personally.”

            The crowd grumbled and complained, jostling each other about to try and get in closer to Ianto. He sighed. If Owen had just sent them away as they each arrived, they wouldn’t have worked themselves up the way they did, thinking there was actually something to see. It was going to take a while to disperse them.

            Ten minutes later Ianto strode over to where Jack, Tosh, and Owen stood, staring at the ground. Ianto had managed to successfully disperse the small crowd with a coffee and donuts order from a local shop. Just another expense for the Torchwood accounts. He stared down at the small cube sitting on the ground. “Does anybody know what it is?”

            Jack shook his head and Tosh spoke up. “I’m running a spectral analysis on it now. The readings appear similar to something we have on file, indicating that it might come from the same planet. I’m just trying to pull up the files now…”

            Owen rolled his eyes. “Right, well, it’s not poisonous, yeah? So let’s bring it back to the Hub where Ianto can make us some coffee and I can grab a pastry.” Before anyone could stop him, Owen darted forward and grabbed the cube.

            “Owen!” All three team members chorused, but it was no use. As soon as Owen touched the cube, it emitted a blinding flash of light and a burst of air. Tosh, Ianto, and Jack fell backwards, landing unceremoniously in the dirt. Ianto spared a brief moment of irritation on the thought that he had gotten dressed not an hour ago and was already dirty, before he scrambled to his feet, looking at Owen.

Owen’s day:

            Owen lay flat on his back, ears ringing. Briefly assessing himself, Owen noticed that he was still holding the cube, and immediately dropped it. Oh no, is Owen alright? He’s blinking, oh please let him be alive I can’t stand it if he dies again not yet not so soon… “Tosh, I’m alright. Calm down, you’re giving me a headache.”

            Owen sat up and looked around. Tosh and Ianto shared confused expressions, but Jack’s was decidedly more suspicious. “She didn’t say anything, Owen.”

            “What do you mean she didn’t-”

            What is he doing oh my gosh can he read my thoughts? It’s like the pendant that Mary gave me oh mustn’t think about Mary he can read my thoughts!

            What? Can he read thoughts? I wonder if he can read multiple thoughts at once, if it’s like talking or if he has to focus in. Tosh’ll probably leave now…

            “Yes I can read your thoughts stop bloody thinking!”

            “I’m going to leave.” Tosh sprang up and practically ran to her car. Recite digits of pi. 3.14159265…oh bloody hell I should have memorized more. Squaring two: 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256, 512, 1024, 2048, uh…cubes! Cubes: 1, 8, 27, 64, 125, 216, 343, 512, 729, 1000… The sound of Tosh’s voice in Owen’s head grew fainter as she walked away. Finally he shouted out: “You can stop doing maths, Tosh, I can’t hear your thoughts anymore.”

            Tosh’s voice buzzed in his ear. “No need to shout, we have coms. And good to know. Jack, give me a call when you get this all sorted.”

            Owen turned to look at Jack, who was grinning. “Alright, Tosh. If we need you to come in for analysis we’ll send Owen out for coffee.”

            Send Owen out for coffee, I hate it when he says stuff like that. Why would he want to send Owen out for coffee when I can make him my coffee. Acts like any old coffee will do…

            “Right, Ianto, I get it. You make fantastic coffee. Jack, is there a way I can shut this off?”

            Jack shrugged. “We’ll have to go to the Hub and do some tests. Owen, why don’t you bring the cube, since you’ve already touched it. Ianto, with me.”

            The two men turned and walked to the SUV as Owen bent down and picked up the cube. Luckily it didn’t flash or do anything again: must have been a one-time deal. …can’t keep his hands off me when he’s driving, one day we’re going to plow right into someone…don’t know why he’s wearing the coat today, it’s too warm out. I like the coat, but I wanted to stare at his arse…

            Owen groaned. He did not need to hear those sorts of thoughts coming from Ianto. A picture welled up in his mind: An almost-naked Jack, sporting his greatcoat, erection jutting proudly out in front of him. Fuck, pictures, too? “Hey, Yan, can you please keep your mind out of the gutter until you’re farther away from me? I do not need to see that this early in the morning!”

            The retreating form of Ianto darted forward. Oh shit he could see that? He can hear this. Oh gosh now all I can think about is…

            Luckily Ianto had gotten far enough away before he could think whatever dirty thought he was about to. Owen tapped on his com. “You’re far enough away now. And try doing maths or something next time, yeah? Keep those thoughts to yourself.”

            “I’ll try my best,” a sheepish Ianto replied over the coms.  

             Great. This telepathic ability better wear off soon, otherwise he might learn things about his boss and coworker that he’d rather never know.

***

            By the time Owen reached the Hub he had a headache to kill an elephant. He couldn’t shut out the voices and pictures that filled his mind, flitting in and out as he drove. Practically running into the Hub, Owen breathed a sigh of relief as all the voices fell away. Peace and quiet.

            Wonder when Owen’ll get here. Maybe we have time for a quick shag, could take Jack on top of his desk…

            “Oi! I’m here! Ianto, I swear, I’m going to kill you before this day is over.”

            Thinking of maths. Maths. One, two, three, four, like that time I made Jack count the amount of times I hit him with the oh bollocks four, five…

            Owen groaned and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. “Harkness! Let’s get this fixed sooner rather than later, yeah?”

            Damn it, Owen’s back? Thought we might have time for a quickie. Ianto could have taken me on top of my desk…

            “Harkness, I swear to God, if I have to see the things inside your mind I might just kill myself. Again.”

            Jack laughed and his eyes drifted to Ianto. Ianto sporting leather ass-less chaps and a leather cap, tapping a cat-o-nine tails against his palm as Jack stood there, tied up and naked…

            Jack with whipped cream dolloped on all the right places as Ianto bent down to lick it off… oh bollocks maths. Seven, eight, nine…

            “Bloody hell you guys! Do you mind? This is my head you’re in.”

            Jack’s mouth sliding over his head, looking up at him with those blue eyes as he encouraged Ianto deeper into his throat ah bollocks it all to bloody fucking hell maths! 3 times 4 is 12, 3 times 5 is 15, 3 times 6 is 18…

            “Agk! I’m going down to see Janet, just…just call me if you need me.”

            Shoving Jack up against the wall outside the cell, Janet growling next to them. “My little exhibitionist,” Jack murmured into his ear, as Ianto pulled down his…maths maths maths maths! Uh…2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12…

            What’s Ianto thinking? Is he thinking dirty thoughts? Owen seems to be turning green, he must be thinking dirty thoughts, because I’m not. What’s he thinking about? Oh, Owen’s going down to hang out with Janet. Ianto must be thinking about the time we…

            Owen took the stairs down to the cells two at a time.

**

            “So Janet, I guess I know why you’re so grouchy all the time. I would be too, if I had to watch those two shagging right outside my cell.”

            Owen tossed a tennis ball against Janet’s glass wall. Janet was currently cowering in a corner, due to Owen’s “King of the Weevils” status, which was fine by Owen. At least he could get some peace and quiet down here, unlike upstairs. “I bet they’re not even working on a cure. They’re probably just shagging like rabbits.” The tennis ball caught an odd angle and bounced off into a corner, away from Owen. “Bollocks.” Tapping his hands on the ground, Owen came to a decision. “Well Janet, been nice knowing you. The next time you see me, I’ll be scarred for life.”

            With that, Owen pushed himself to his feet and set off for upstairs. He needed to make sure Jack and Ianto stayed on track and tried to find out a way to fix him; without his pushy observation, the two of them wouldn’t get any work done.

            …only at 80%. Owen let out a sigh of relief. Ianto was apparently actually working, and keeping his mind on that. Still have the living room to shag in. Can’t believe we did it in the entranceway before the living room. Bloody rug burns were awful. Still, Jack was so eager, I couldn’t…

            “You use maths in your sex life? Bloody hell, mates, that is twisted.”

            As Owen rounded the corner and walked into the main area of the Hub, he saw Ianto jump in his chair at Tosh’s workstation. “You didn’t warn me you were coming back up!”

            Was Ianto thinking dirty thoughts again? Damn it. He keeps thinking dirty things when I’m not. Why haven’t I been thinking dirty thoughts? Maybe Ianto really wanted shower sex this morning. No, we’ve already done it there. Oh, I’ll bet he wanted to finish up the apartment sex. Still need to do it in the living room. Though I was kind of saving that for a special occasion: nice movie, some popcorn…

            “Okay! Here, work! Let’s think about work!” Owen pulled himself up the stairs and held out his hands. “Look at me, I’m a science experiment. Come on, let’s figure out what’s wrong so we can fix it.”

            Experiment like that time Jack wanted to experiment with those alien dildos we found told the team they were candle-holders but then again we used hot wax with them MATHS 6, 12, 18, 24, 30, 36…

            Oh, Owen’s going green again. What could Ianto be thinking about now? He must really want to have sex. Or does he always think about sex this much? Oh no, what if he’s bored? What if he’s thinking about sex, but not with me? Gotta think of some new things to show him. We haven’t done anything with the swing I’ve got in the vaults…

            “So I’m an experiment! Not a kinky one. Just, let’s hook my brain up to a scanner and…oh bloody hell, guys. Ianto, go read a book or something, and Jack, Ianto is thinking about you constantly, and only you, and judging by the lurid slideshow I’m getting there’s no way in hell he’s bored with it.”

            Ianto peered over at Jack. “You were worried over what I’m thinking about?” Did he think I’d get bored with him? How could I ever get bored with him I lo-coffee! “Coffee!” Ianto practically shouted. He scrambled over to the coffee machine.

            “Geeze, Yan, never took you for this level of sex-crazed. How do you get any work done?”

            Ianto’s sex crazed? Oh great, now I’m just going to keep thinking about him now…

            Ianto looked flustered and irritated as he focused on the coffee. “Well it’s like telling someone not to think of a pink elephant! The more I try and stop myself from thinking about it, the more I think about it!” Coffee. Turn this knob here, pouring the coffee into Jack’s cup that one time we had sex against the machine, thought we were going to break the glasses the way they were rattling Bollocks! Pour Jack’s cup he has no cream in his don’t you dare think about cream putting half a spoonful of sugar in mine and stirring it…

            “Okay, seriously, science experiment. I’m hooking my brain up to a machine and we’re focusing on it.” Owen stormed over to the autopsy bay and began pulling out machines, probably more viciously than strictly necessary. Hopefully he could distract Jack and Ianto from their thoughts long enough to get some readings and get this fixed. Owen shoved some electrodes onto his head, all the while screaming the Spam song from Monty Python in his head to try and drown out the other men’s thoughts.

            “Jack, why don’t you grab that energy scanner thing Tosh used when Suzie was draining energy off Gwen?”

            And Martha used on you…

            Owen winced. So Ianto’s thoughts weren’t only about sex with Jack. Best course of action was probably to ignore the sympathetic looks Ianto was giving him. “Check and see if we can get a reading off me.”

            Jack nodded and set off for Tosh’s cabinets in the back.

            Wonder what we’ll see. Brain lit up like a Christmas tree?

            “Yan, get your arse down here and help me.” Owen was going to tell Ianto that it would help keep his mind off Jack, but held his tongue. Pink elephants, and all that: maybe if he didn’t mention Jack, Ianto wouldn’t think of him. “Here, take this and stick them on the back of my head, lined up.” Ianto stepped down the stairs into the autopsy bay and took the stickies obediently.

            Do I line them straight up or do I curve them with the line of his skull?

            “With the curve,” Ianto glanced at Owen, startled. Owen allowed him a small grin. “Can be useful, too.”

            “Just wish you had a way to control it.”

            Owen groaned. “You and me both, mate. Now come on, sooner we get this sorted the sooner we can reverse it.” Owen turned his head and let Ianto carefully place the electrodes. “Alright, all set?”

            “Yup.” Ianto stepped back. “Uh, do you need me? I was going to go take care of the coffee.” Need to go give Jack his coffee, don’t need him getting grouchy. He’ll probably give me a kiss, too, or brush his hands over mine. Can’t wait ‘til this is sorted and we can go home…

            Owen raised an eyebrow. Those were pretty sappy thoughts. But Ianto wasn’t scrambling to do maths, and seemed to just be waiting for a response from Owen. Did he not realize he was thinking them? “Uh, yeah, no problem, Yan.” Ianto took off for the coffee machine. Owen thanked him for his cup, and he moved on to find Jack. Not in the office must be looking for Tosh’s device…

            Flicking a few switches, Owen turned on the EEG machine. Immediately Owen noticed his brain scan lighting up in all sorts of areas it shouldn’t under normal circumstances.

            Wow, look at that. Looks like the brain scans of a Raznor. Makes sense, they were telepathic. Wow, that was some incredible sex. I’ll have to dig up one of their instruments, see if Ianto can work it…

            “Harkness, you have the scanner?”

            “Here you go, Owen.” Jack was standing above Owen on the observation level. He tossed the scanner down and Owen caught it. Turning it around, he took some readings on himself until the device beeped completion.

            Where’s Ianto? He was supposed to have coffee. I love Ianto’s  coffee…

            “Coffee, Jack?” Oh, look, there’s Owen’s brain scan. Huh, I don’t think that’s what brain scans are supposed to look like. Oh, Jack’s looking at me. Why’s he looking at me? Is the coffee bad? No, he’s smiling into the coffee now. The coffee’s never bad, anyways. Maybe…ah, I know what it is. Those things in the Archives, those telepathic sex-toys. Bet he’s thinking about those. Wow, those would be amazing to try out. To feel what he’s feeling, and I’m feeling, as I’m doing it to him, and he’s doing it to me…

            Owen practically screamed the national anthem in his head as he read the results on the scanner. “The activity in my brain seems to be decreasing at a specific rate. This thingy-”

            Thingy?

            Nice technical term, Harper.

            Owen glared at the two men. “Yes, this ‘thingy’ is telling me that the effects should wear off in…twenty-four hours.”

            Good. Now he can stop reading our thoughts. What I wouldn’t give to read Ianto’s thoughts. Never knew he was so filthy.

             Oh thank goodness. We can just send him home for the day, then tomorrow he won’t be able to read our thoughts. Can’t believe the things he saw. Good thing Jack wasn’t wearing the red braces. Oh, the last time we used those.

            An image of Jack tied up, red braces wrapped securely around his wrists and wearing nothing else, floated to the front of Owen’s mind. He groaned. “Bloody hell, you guys. I’ve officially seen way too much of the both of you today.”

            Ha, doesn’t know the half of it. He’s never seen the inside of Jack’s rectum, or tasted it. Oh, that was so good when he did it to me that first time, couldn’t help but return the favor. Jack fucking me with his tongue, so hot and wet and firm, pressing past the tight ring of muscle…

            “You know, Yan, when you think about the things you haven’t thought of, you’re thinking about them.”

            Ianto blushed. Shit. Forgot to do maths. Well why doesn’t he just bloody leave already? Like he wants to…

            “Alright! I’m leaving!” Owen rubbed his head. This was too difficult. He didn’t understand how Tosh could do it on purpose for days. Then again, she had control over what she heard and didn’t. He had no such luxury.

            Quickly Owen peeled the stickies off his head and practically ran out of the autopsy bay. “Alright boys, have fun, and don’t think about it right now, please. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Owen shook his head as he walked away. “Sick, the both of them…” he mumbled under his breath.

Jack’s Day:

            As soon as Owen left, Jack turned to Ianto. “It worked.” He grinned and wrapped his arms around Ianto’s waist, pulling him in for a kiss.

            Ianto kissed him back eagerly, but then pulled away. “What worked?”

            Jack peppered kisses down the side of Ianto’s jaw. “The ‘think-dirty-thoughts-so-Owen-will-l eave’ plan. Good job.”

            Jack was just beginning to slip Ianto out of his jacket when Ianto pulled away. “Wait, I still don’t understand. You were thinking dirty thoughts just so Owen would leave?”

            “You weren’t?” Jack was confused. He thought Ianto had been bombarding Owen all day with dirty images on purpose. When he figured that out, he had started projecting his own thoughts to Owen, trying to aid Ianto. After all, they were fighting for a common goal.

            Ianto looked confused. “No. Everything Owen saw was just…” Ianto blushed. “That’s just what I think. I mean, it was worse because Owen kept telling me not to, but…” Ianto shrugged sheepishly.

            “Oh, you and your filthy mind.” Jack grinned wickedly and captured Ianto in another breathtaking kiss. “Why don’t we put that mind of yours to good use?”