Title: Revealing the Pain
By: Mrs_Ianto_Jones
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jack coaxes Ianto into opening up.

***

Ianto was perfectly capable of getting into the hub under his own steam but was content to allow Jack to help him. The pain from his injuries was no more than a dull ache, thanks to the medication he'd been given at the hospital. Jack had his arm around Ianto's back, which was more for his own peace of mind than as an aid to Ianto. He guided him over to the sofa and helped him to sit down.
"Coffee?"
"Actually Sir," replied Ianto "I'd rather have tea. Darjeeling."
"Coming right up."
Jack made his way up to Ianto's coffee domain. Hewouldn't normally let anyone else up here when he was around. From the gantry, he could clearly see Ianto on the sofa and the sight was heart-rending. Ianto had his arms wrapped around himself as if trying to guard himself against the world. It was unusual for him to let himself be seen as ‘not in control'. Jack suddenly felt very protective. He was naturally protective of his team, but this felt different. He wanted to protect Ianto from everything that could harm him. In a way though, Jack was pleased that Ianto seemed to have made a first step into opening up to him. He intended to take full advantage by coaxing him to pour his heart out. The young Welshman needed it.

"There you go." Jack handed Ianto's tea to him.
"Thank you, Sir." Ianto accepted the mug and took a tentative sip. He wasn't at all confident in Jack's tea-making abilities.
"I wish you'd call me Jack."
"Thank you, Jack."
Jack sat down next to Ianto, without getting into Ianto's personal space.
"Okay Yan, feel like talking?" He asked quietly.
Ianto sighed deeply and leant back, resting his head on the back of the sofa.
"Yes and no." He confessed.
Jack adopted the same position as Ianto, and then put his feet up on the table. Ianto didn't even comment, which worried Jack somewhat.
"I know that this whole ‘opening up' thing is difficult for you." He told the other man, "but bottling everything is gonna cause a stroke or something eventually. You can trust me you know."
"I know." Replied Ianto. "It's trusting myself that's the main problem."
Jack gave him a puzzled look.
"How do you mean?" He asked suspiciously.
"I'm terrified that if I start telling you stuff, the floodgates will burst and I won't stop."
Jack allowed himself a small smile.
"That's a good thing Ianto. I've got all the time in the world."
Ianto mirrored Jack's smile.
"I don't want to do all that crying and sobbing stuff. Snot goes everywhere." He laughed at himself.
"That's disgusting Yan, but if that is all that is bothering you, let it rip. I can cope with snot and tears."

Ianto drained his tea and fidgeted with the mug for a while. Jack waited.
"I don't know where to start." Ianto said at long last.
"Start small." Jack suggested. "I know Owen gets to you. Start with him."
There was barely a pause before Ianto launched into a tirade against Doctor Harper.
"Owen is a twat and an arsehole."
Jack could barely believe the venom in Ianto's voice. He was even sneering.
"What really bugs me." Ianto went on. "Is the way he belittles me. He's a great doctor, I'll give him that, but I'm also damn good at what I do. He gives me no recognition for that fact. I do more than make excellent coffee and clean up, yet he treats me like his personal maid. And I let him! If he keeps calling me tea-boy, I'm going to deck him."
Ianto was sitting up with anger by this point and Jack had put a calming hand on his back. He could feel Ianto shaking and was uncertain if it was with rage or was due to his injuries.
"We're all aware of what you do here, even if we don't acknowledge it often enough." Jack told him. "Even Owen. Like you say, though, he is an asshole. I could have a serious word with him if you like."
Ianto shook his head, which he immediately regretted. His headache was creeping back.
"No, don't. It'd only rub him up the wrong way. And you know what he's like when he goes off on a one."
"Okay, but the offer is always there."
"Thanks. My colleagues at Torchwood One gave me a lot more respect than he does.

The mention of Torchwood One seemed to drain the life from Ianto. His whole body sagged in absolute despair. Jack sat up and put his arm around Ianto's shoulders. This was where the real talking would begin.
"Did you ever talk to anyone about the Battle of Canary Wharf?"
It was a long time before Ianto answered.
"No." He shocked himself with the amount of pain in that one tiny word.
"So you've had no counselling?" Not that Jack was entirely surprised.
"I had other priorities at the time. I had Lisa to look after."
Jack winced. Lisa was not a subject he liked to think about, but knew they would be discussing her soon. He ploughed on.
"Not many people survived that day. You were one of the lucky ones."
Ianto's shoulders seemed to slump even further. He felt utterly desolate. He'd spent so much time denying his emotions; he wasn't sure how to deal with them now they were free.
"I only survived because I wasn't there."
This was news to Jack. He'd always understood Ianto had been in the thick of it.
"I was stuck on the tube when it all kicked off." The Welshman continued. "My train was stuck underground for hours. By the time we got out, the battle was over. I couldn't believe the carnage and I ran straight to the tower to find Lisa. When I found her, she was unconscious, which was probably just as well for her. I vomited at the sight of her. I should have killed her there and then, but I couldn't bring myself to do it and I couldn't leave her."

"We haven't really talked about Lisa properly, have we?"
"Didn't want to." Just thinking about her was painful enough for him.
Jack stood up and began pacing, slowly.
"For what it's worth, Yan, I do understand and I forgive."
Ianto looked up at Jack, who was looking at him with earnest, and realised he meant every word.
"But you don't forget." He stated, without malice.
"Not that easy to, but if your statement actually meant 'Will I ever trust you again?' then yes. I already do."
Ianto had definately not been expecting that.
"Really?" he asked.
"Yes." Jack told him. "You did a briliant job of destroying the trust, but you're part of my team. As such, I have to trust you. If I didn't, you wouldn't be here."
Jack stopped pacing and thrust his hands into his pockets.
"Now, tell me, what do you feel inside?"
"Empty, but it's been like that for so long it's become normality." Ianto began to study his mug intently. Jack could tell something big was coming.
"When she died, I could have died too. Almost did."
"You don't mean...?"
"There were a few times I came close to killing myself." He was speaking so quietly, Jack could barely hear him.
"I even considered giving myself a Retcon overdose."

Jack felt very guilty about not keeping a closer eye on his young colleague. Of course, he knew Ianto had been emotionally fucked-up by Lisa's death, but he hadn't done much to help in the days and weeks that followed.
"Why didn't you come to me?" He asked, knowing full well why not.
"You were mad at me."
"Yes I was." Jack said as kindly as he could. "But I still would have tried to help."
"No-one could help."
Despite all odds, Ianto managed to sound even more desolate. He felt worse than he sounded. Finally admitting that he'd considered suicide was a lot tougher on him than he'd imagined it would be. It was like admitting failure. Once again, he looked Jack directly in the eye and saw nothing but concern. Ianto was glad he didn't see pity. He couldn't have handled it if Jack pitied him.
"Look, I'm not going to tell you that it will get better, because it won't."
It wasn't exactly what Ianto tohught Jack would say.
"That's reassuring." He commented.

Jack sat back down next to Ianto, closer than before but Ianto didn't react adversely.
"You'll never get over Lisa, but you'll learn to live with it."
Jack wanted to take Ianto's hand into his own, to physically convey his support.
"There may even come a day, when you can think about her and the pain will hardly register, but it will still be there. So will I."
"How do you move on?" Ianto showed no indication of taking in Jack's statement to be there for him.
"You just do, you have to. If you don't, you crack up big time."
"That sounds like the voice of experience."
Jack nodded sadly.
"It is, but we're not here to talk about me. This is all about you."
Ianto became suddenly uncomfortable with Jack's closeness and stood up. He walked over to Owen's workstation and, absent-mindedly, began pressing random buttons on the keyboard.
"I'm very sorry it all happened Jack."
Ianto couln't even look his captain in the eye as he said it. The shame was too great.
"It was never my intention to get everyone killed."
"Of course it wasn't" Jack had never believed that for a minute.
"I endangered the entire planet. You may have forgiven me, but I'll never forgive myself."
Jack got up and guided Ianto back to the sofa. He, himself, stayed standing.
"At Torchwood One, betrayal like this would have meant summery execution." Ianto still wasn't sure why he hadn't been executed by Jack.
"One, This isn't Torchwood One. Two, I do things differently. Three, You're not the only person who's inadvertantly endangered the planet."
Jack ignored Ianto's look of confusion and sat down on Tosh's stool.
"I've done it myself and my motives weren't as noble as yours. You did it for love, I did it for money."

An uneasy silence descended between the two men and they sat, not looking at each other, for several minutes. The silence was broken by Jack.
"We need something stronger than tea and coffee." He declared, going into his office.
"I'm not supposed to drink with my medication." Ianto called after him.
Jack emerged, carrying two glasses of whisky. He handed one to Ianto.
"One won't kill you."
Jack swallowed his down in one go while Ianto sipped. The captain once again sat by Ianto and the youmger man didn't feel quite so uncomfortable this time.
"Wanna change the subject?" Jack asked him.
"Christ yes." Ianto responded, slightly too readily.
"It's your conversation. Your choice."
Ianto shrugged. He wanted to bring up the Brecon Beacons, but it was too recent. It was still too raw. He realised though that he had to talk about it, to begin the healing process. Ianto was already beginning to feel better within himself.
"The last couple of days haven't been overly great." He understated.
"No. Youve been hurt pretty badly."
"It's not just that. I can deal with the physical pain and, in time, I'll probably be able to cope with all the emotional shit." At least, he hoped so. He already had too many nightmares.
"I spend most of my time in the hub and it's left my combat skills somewhat lacking."
Jack couldn't deny it. Ianto had a right hook that quite easily took Jack down, but in a prolonged fight, he would probably come out the loser.
"I can help you with that." Jack promised. "Once you're fully recovered."
"I'd appreciate that. Thanks."
"No problem. However, I think you did okay. You helped Tosh escape."
Embarrasment registered on Ianto's features.
"Did she tell you how I got slightly hysterical after we were captured?"
"She did mention that you felt oerwhelmed by it all." It was hardly surprising. Jack himself had been overwhelmed by the whole thing.
"Not very professional." Ianto admitted.
"Understandable though." Jack reassured him. "Like you said, your time is spent here. From now on, I want you in the field more often.

Without warning, Ianto stood up again. The motion was accompanied by rapidly returning pain.
"I'm tired."
"Okay." said Jack, also standing up. "Take my bed, I don't need it."
Inside his own head, Jack was longing to lie alongside Ianto and hold him while he slept.
"Take a couple of these first." He said, handing Ianto the tub of pills Owen had prescribed.
"One question Yan."
"Yeah?"
"Where's all the snot and tears." he asked lightly. "I hope you weren't holding back on me."
Ianto looked momentarily thoughtful then started to smile.
"Do you know what Jack, there aren't any. I don't need to cry."
Jack could see it in ianto's eyes. There was definately more life there than there had been. It wasn't the end of Ianto's troubles but it was the start of the end.
Jack pulled Ianto into a hug, expecting him to resist and was pleased when he didn't. In fact, the young welshman hugged him back like he'd been waiting for it all his life. Jack had to resist the very strong urge to kiss Ianto. It wasn't easy.

Jack carefully pulled away from the hug, fearing what he might do if they stood there any longer.
"Go to bed Ianto, and thank you for sharing."
Ianto rewarded Jack with a genuinly happy smile. The sight of it lifted Jack's spirits more than he thought possible.
"Thank you for listening. Goodnight Sir."
"Goodnight."
Jack made sure that Ianto climbed into the man-hole safely before going up to the boardroom. He still had a few reports to finish. He felt like a barrier had been removed from between Ianto and himself. He secretly began to imagine a future in which he and Ianto could be closer. For now, it was too soon. Ianto was healing and Jack could wait.

Finis.

***