Title: Searching My Soul
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: Buffet 1, fc_smorgasbord
Prompt: 39, Seek
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor leaned against the door frame of the Tardis, watching Jack with a slight frown marring his brow. He had no idea what his lover was thinking of, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to know. But he knew that look on Jack's handsome face all too well.

He could feel his hearts constricting in his chest; he didn't want to admit to himself what that look portended, but the thought wouldn't go away. Jack was feeling restless again; he should have know that would happen at some point, even though Jack had sworn it wouldn't.

This was how Jack had begun to act a few weeks before he'd walked away, the Doctor told himself, feeling an unreasoning panic rise within him. It was exactly the same. Was he going to walk away again, even though he'd sworn that would never happen?

His hands tightened into fists at his sides as he watched Jack, wondering what the immortal was thinking. Jack stood with his hands in his pockets, staring out at the sea that stretched to the horizon as though he wished that he could sail away into the distance.

That was it, then. The Doctor's shoulders slumped as he turned away, unable to bear watching his lover. It would begin all over again -- the flirting, the subtle sense that something was wrong between them, the final wrench when Jack walked out on him again.

Tears began to rise into his eyes, tears that he was determined to hold back. This time, he wasn't going to cry, even after Jack had gone. After all, it had happened once before. He should have known that it was an inevitability, a consequence of being involved with Jack.

He should have known that no matter what Jack's promises had been, no one person could hold him once he had decided that he needed to strike out on his own. Jack would always, at the heart of who he was, be a man alone, a man who didn't need a partner.

He himself was far different, the Doctor told himself. He didn't need a lover in his life, but he was always happier when he had one. And he had let himself fall in love with Jack all over again, even though that had been against his better judgment.

There was no one else he wanted, either as a lover or a companion. Any companion he had always ended up leaving him at some point; he couldn't take having his hearts broken in that way again. Though that would be nothing compared to what he would feel when Jack left.

He didn't want another lover. If he found a companion, then he would seal a part of himself off from them; they would be a friend, but they wouldn't be allowed to get too close. That was where he'd made a mistake in the past, but he wouldn't make it again.

He had let himself care too much about people. That would have to stop. He couldn't keep opening his hearts, expecting even the best of friends to stay with him rather than go back to their own lives. He would never be the center of their lives. He would always be a footnote.

Even with Jack, that was all he could ever hope for. He raised a hand to his face to wipe away the few tears that had been stubborn enough to escape, cursing himself for being so weak. He should never have let his former lover back into his hearts. He'd been a fool.

He stood over the console, leaning on it, staring down blindly at the controls. How much longer would it be? When would Jack say that he had to leave and walk out of those doors? How much time did he have to be with the man he loved before his hearts shattered again?

And would he recover from that heartbreak this time around? The Doctor didn't think so. He'd survived the first round -- probably because he'd always hoped, somewhere in the back of his mind, that Jack would change his mind and come back. He'd held on to that hope as tightly as he could.

But now, there couldn't be any more hope. He had told Jack that if he left again, there was no coming back. And he had meant those words. He couldn't go through that kind of pain a second time, only to let himself forgive it and take Jack back into his arms once more.

If Jack left again, it was the end. The end of everything. The end of his hope, the end of his happiness. He wanted to rest his head against the console and sob, but he didn't dare. He couldn't show that kind of weakness, not now. Not in front of Jack.

"Doctor." Jack's voice was soft, the tone curious. "What are you doing? What's wrong? Did something happen that I should know about?" The Doctor could feel the other man by his side, then Jack's hand was on his shoulder, squeezing gently.

That touch almost made him break down. He wanted to turn to Jack, to launch himself into the other man's arms and sob out his pain and confusion. He wanted to ask Jack if he was going to leave, if he was once again seeking something that the Doctor couldn't give him.

But he didn't say anything; he remained mute, not turning around for what felt like a very long time. When he finally did, he'd made up his mind what he was going to say -- and he hoped that his emotions wouldn't betray him before he could get the words out.

He straightened up, turning around to face Jack, working to keep his expression composed. It wasn't easy, but he managed to do so. "Jack, when I saw you outside just now, I thought you were .... searching for something. Seeking something. Something that you can't find with me."

"What?" Jack sounded genuinely surprised, as though he hadn't been thinking anything of the sort, and hadn't expected the Doctor to have those thoughts, either. "What the hell are you talking about? You think I'm going to leave? Now?"

The Doctor swallowed hard, his dark gaze meeting Jack's; his eyes widened in surprise at the look on his lover's face. He seemed taken aback, at a loss for words; his breath hitched in his throat, his hands clenching spasmodically, as if he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I-I thought ...." The Time Lord's words trailed off; his throat closed, his voice refusing to obey him. He had no words to describe the look on Jack's face; it was a mingled expression of pain, disbelief, and anger. A look that he had put there.

"I know what you thought," Jack said, his voice soft and more than a little reproving. "Doctor, I've told you so many times that I'm not going to leave you again. I've done all the searching I ever want to do. I've found where I belong -- and where I want to be. Right here with you."

"I thought it felt like you were .... seeking something," the Doctor murmured, fumbling with the words. "As though you were getting restless. I know what that's like, Jack. I've seen you go into that mode before -- and I don't think I could bear seeing it again."

And he couldn't bear the aftermath, he thought to himself, wishing that he had the courage to say the words out loud, but knowing that he didn't. He couldn't bring himself to tell the man he loved that the one thing he couldn't bear was to see him walk away again.

"Anything that I've ever been seeking, I've found with you," Jack told him, his voice soft and gentle. "I've told you so many times, Doc -- I'm not gong to leave this time. I wish you could let down those barriers and try to trust me. I know it's hard, but I want you to try."

The Doctor nodded, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. "I'll try, Jack," he whispered, his voice a mere thread of sound. "It's hard for me to trust completely, but .... if there's ever been anyone in my life who was worth trusting, it's you."

Jack slid his arms around the Doctor's waist, pulling the Time Lord into his arms and resting his cheek against his lover's hair. "I've been searching my soul -- and searching the world -- to find out just where I should be, Doc. And I've found the answer."

"And that would be?" The Doctor almost held his breath as he waited for Jack's answer; he knew what he wanted Jack to say, but until the words had actually been spoken, he wouldn't be able to let himself believe that what Jack said would be what he wanted so desperately to hear.

"That I'm right where I should be," Jack told him, his voice soft, breaking on the last words. "That the only thing I've ever really had to seek was the person who made me feel complete -- and that person is you. You're all I want, Doctor. And all I could ever need."

The Doctor nodded, closing his eyes to hold back the tears that were rising again. But this time, they were tears of joy, of happiness. Jack had said exactly what he had needed to hear -- and he had no doubt that those words came straight from his lover's heart.

***