Title: Search the Sky
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 3
Prompt: 70, Lie In
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.***
Dear Doctor,
As is usual with every letter I write that I know you probably won't see, I've no idea how to start this one. I want to go right into saying that I miss you terribly, but isn't that par for the course in every one of these unread letters that I write to you? Before too long, they're going to take up permanent residence on top of the small stack of clothes on the dresser in our bedroom. They're beginning to pile up.
I do miss you, more than I could possibly put into words. I know that you won't read any of what I've written until you're back with me, and by then, the words will sound stilted and unimportant. But at the moment, they're the most meaningful thing I can think of to write -- I could say over and over that I miss you and I need you, but those words won't fully sink in until they're read by the man they're meant for.
It seems incredible that you aren't here with me now. You've only been gone for a bit over a week this time, and I know that space of time isn't a long one by your standards. With all the time that you have at your disposal, a week must seem like a mere blink of the eye. But to me, it can feel like forever. Especially on those long, lonely nights when you aren't next to me in bed, when I can't wrap my arms around you and pull you close against me.
That's what I miss the most, I think. Being able to reach out in the darkness when I awake in the dead of night, and know that you're there beside me. Knowing that I have the comfort of your presence, that I can curl up against you and feel the silken softness of your skin, feel you twine your arms and legs around me and pull me into your embrace.
I search the sky through my window at night, watching the stars collide and hoping that you're safe, wherever you are. Maybe you're watching the sky, too -- the same night sky spangled with stars that I can see. Maybe you're thinking of me as I am of you, aching for my arms in the same way that I ache for yours. Needing my presence, wanting me there beside you. Not in a sexual way, but in a loving one.
When I look back on the time we've spent together, it's odd that the times I remember the most clearly are when we've done things that aren't particularly sexual. Holding hands, walking in the park, having a romantic candlelit dinner. Running through the rain laughing, kissing when we found shelter under a shop awning. Those are the crystalline memories.
Not that our other memories don't stand out just as much in my mind. But the times we we've made love -- those memories are so filled with heat and desire and passion that they're a bit hazy. There are so many emotions that swirl within me whenever I think of those times -- every desire that I've ever had, every fantasy, every yearning that I've ever experienced. And they're all wrapped up in you.
Those times when we're together without having any thought of becoming closer .... those are the most precious to me. I've had far too many people in my life who haven't bothered to look past the outer surface of who I am, who haven't wanted anything more than what they thought was a pretty face and a willing body. But you -- you looked past the outer shell on our first meeting, you saw the person inside, the person who desperately wanted to reach for you and couldn't.
I've told myself so many times that I was a fool, that first day we met, not to have reached for you in the way that I wanted to. But I was still wounded from the end of my relationship with Jack, and I was sure that you were for him. It took me a while to realise that I was the one you've always been meant for. Even now, sometimes I still find that hard to believe.
I lie here at night, alone in our bed, and think of the times that we've spent all day here, too indolent to get up, losing ourselves in each other through the entire day and night. That will always be my paradise, Doctor. The times we spend locked together, when it's impossible for me to differentiate between your body and mine because we're so close that we've become a part of each other.
The lie-ins we've had .... those memories are what's gotten me through the days when I wake alone in the cold grey light of dawn and know that this will be another day I'll have to go through without you by my side. I hope, day after day, that this night will be the one when you return to me, when I can fall asleep clasping you close in my arms. I'll always have that hope, until the day you're back in my arms, where you belong.
What are you doing now, my love? Are you lying alone in bed, thinking of me and wishing that you were here -- or that I was there with you? Or are you sleeping, your breathing steady, your eyes closed, one hand tucked under your cheek as I've so often seen you, dreaming of the two of us entwined as I so often do?
I like to imagine you sleeping, dreaming of the day that we'll be reunited. That's my constant dream, the one that replays through my unconscious mind each and every night that you're away from me. The dream of having you back by my side, knowing that I'll have you for at least a little while before the cares of the universe once again pull you away from me. Hopefully, not for long next time.
It's going to happen. I understand that. It's inevitable that you must leave me then and again. But I can live with that -- because I know that in your hearts, you never really leave me. I know that a part of you stays with me, tucked into the deepest recesses of my being, and that you'll always return. I have no doubt of that. And you should have no doubt of the welcome you'll receive when you come back to me.
A part of me always goes with you. I may be here on my own planet, stranded in my own time, searching the skies and wondering which of those distant stars you're on. But a part of me is with you, there in your arms, holding you, kissing you, touching you, and experiencing everything right along with you. A part of me is never away from your hearts,
I can almost feel those hearts beating against mine, if I close my eyes and concentrate hard enough. And I hope you can feel my heart with you, my beloved. Beating alongside yours, the rhythms melding together into one. One heart, one soul. And nowhere else that I would ever want my heart to be. It's only keeping time, waiting patiently until you can come back into my arms and make us one entity again.
Make your way back to me soon, beloved. I'll be waiting, searching the sky, dreaming of your touch, your kiss, your arms. Dreaming of the day when I can wake holding you and know that this time, our forever will be a permanent one.
Your
Ianto***
- Main Torchwood slash page
- New stories page
- Jack/Ianto stories
- Ianto/Owen stories
- Other pairings stories - ie threesomes
- F/F stories
- Gen stories
- Amazon.com - Torchwood: Children of Earth
- Amazon.co.uk - Torchwood - Children of Earth [DVD] [2009]
- Amazon.ca link - Torchwood - The Complete First Season (7DVD)