Title: The Simplest Answer
Author: ardea_herodias
Pairing: gen
Rating: PG
Summary: Captain Jack is visited by a celestial being, who wants advice. This is something of a sequel to Solstice, although you don't need to read that to enjoy the story.

***

Jack sat atop the Millenium Tower, enjoying a bracingly cold Cardiff autumn night. It wasn't yet moonrise, so the only light about was glittering below him on the street. Cars, streetlamps, neon signs in bars, the lot. Normally he sat atop the tower when there was something heavy on his mind that he needed to digest, but tonight he was simply enjoying the night.

As usual, his mind wandered back to wondering if he would ever finally shake off the life that held him. Even though it had been years since Rose dragged him back from death he still couldn't decide if immortality was a gift or a curse. Most days "curse" won. He wasn't suicidal, well, not really, considering he technically couldn't ever successfully suicide...but his single greatest fear was to be the last thing existing in the universe. That fear was only reinforced by a knowledge that his future would probably be exactly that. Small wonder he reveled in the small and shallow, it distracted him from the big and ugly. Sometimes.

As he contemplated his existence, what kind of washing powders his various team members used, and who would win at the Ashes tomorrow--New Zealand were in town for an ODI series, which meant that Owen would be completely useless at work, and probably Gwen too, since Rhys was likely to drag her off to watch the game–the moon finally rose. The moment it crept into view, Jack became aware that something was flying toward him. That something was huge, about the size of a draft horse, and very dark. And moving very, very fast. Before he could run or duck, it roared directly over his head. The wind of its wake buffeted him, knocking him off the edge of the tower. *Oh hell,* he thought, *this is going to hurt.*

He'd jumped off this tower enough times to know exactly how high the cobbles of the paving stones were, and where to land to maximize or minimize the pain. He'd never been blown off backwards, though, and never gone down headfirst, and he had never landed in blue fire that warmed him but did not burn him. Falling into the fire felt like diving into a swimming pool, and holding onto that thought he turned and "swam" for the surface. As soon as he had righted himself, Jack as immensely surprised to find that he was straddling whatever it was that had knocked him off the building in the first place. He flailed with his arms, tightened his legs around the body, and gasped in shock as it heaved both of them to the top of the tower.

***

Sorry about that, I knew you were there but I couldn't see you. I've been hoping to find you but I didn't mean to scare you like that.

Huh? What? Who? A lovely, melodious voice had spoken directly into his mind. The voice reminded Jack of bells, or perhaps birdsong.

If you want, you can get down now. I can kneel if it will help you.

Jack looked down in amazement at the Kirin that had been born in the Hub several months ago, on the summer solstice. He couldn't see its dragon face, but that gold mane, silver wings, blue body, and overriding impression of being seconds from bursting into heart's flame were completely unmistakable. "Please do kneel, I'm not sure I want to jump off right now." The Kirin obligingly bent to its knees, then lay down onto its left side. Jack slid off and stood next to it, wondering what to do next. Why don't I stay down here, it said into his mind again, it's easier to talk to you this way. Jack had to agree, it was easily over 2 metres tall at the shoulder. After a moment's thought, he sat by its shoulder. It craned that horselike neck around to him and watched him with both golden eyes.

For Jack's part, he was shocked. The birth of the Kirin had been a terrifying, awe inspiring, soul-touching experience. Aside from Rose bringing him back to life, nothing had ever resonated with his soul like watching Sarah Henderson turn from a human into a giant blue half horse, half dragon with eyes that knew the wisdom of ages. At the same time, though, he was baffled as to why on earth it had come back to Cardiff. And why it had been looking for him. Then the thought hit him, that he had been riding a god. Oh swell.

Let me guess, you're wondering why I was looking for you.

"Are you telepathic?"

I'm empathic, but not telepathic. I can't hear your thoughts. I can, however, see your face clearly now that there is moonlight, and I am VERY good at reading your body language. Even without empathy added, you are radiating confusion right now. As I used to say before, you have a giant red question mark hanging over your head. Oh, and Jack, I'm definitely "she," not "it."

Jack blinked, unable to comprehend how he wound up at the top of the Millennium Centre with a creature of legend. "Well, I am wondering why you were looking for me, and I'm hugely surprised to see you here. It's not every day that you get to see a god, even on the Rift." His voice came out a little sharp–did he mean it that way? He looked at it, oops, her, and saw that she didn't seem offended.

I'm here because I am something like you, and I hoped I could ask you for some advice.

"WHAT?" Once again, Jack could not comprehend how he would up riding a god (goddess?), who said she was like him and now wanted his advice. He'd had some strange things happen to him, but this one was right up there with the strangest.

I'll explain, but first off, can we introduce ourselves? It hardly seems polite for me to knock you off the building and ask you to share some of your most private thoughts without having the decency to learn your name. I know you knew my old name, Sarah Henderson. My name now, translated into your language, is Youngest Jewel of the Forest of the Clouds and Night. She opened her mouth, and out poured a tiny echo of her birth song, the one that reduced everyone in Torchwood to tears. He felt his eyes welling up in response to the sound. My name, in the language of the Kirin. You can call me Jewel, or Night, or even just Sarah if you wish. Jack could suddenly feel her "thinking" in his head, before she asked wistfully, Actually, would you call me Sarah, just for tonight?

What else could he do? "My name is Captain Jack Harkness. It used to be something else, several somethings really, but that is the name by which I have been known for a long time now. It's a pleasure to meet you, Sarah." He resisted the urge to compare this to Alice in Wonderland. *Scratch that,* he thought, *I didn't fall down a rabbit hole but I DID fall off the tower. Close enough!* "What did you want to talk to me about?"

Um, well, it's difficult to explain...but how do you handle it?

"Handle what?"

Not being human.

"Hey, what do you mean? I'm still human!"

No, you are not. Her mental voice echoed with confusion at Jack's shocked and slightly angry response.

"I'm just as human as any other human walking on this planet. I'm a bit different, but I'm still human." He sounded thoroughly offended, and just a bit sad.

No, Jack, you're not human. She felt his indignation slam into her like a wave. I'm making a mess of this. Jack, let me rephrase myself: you are no longer human. You WERE human at one point, and then something happened to you that caused you to become a transcendent being. You aren't superhuman, not in the sense of some childish comic book figure, but you are beyond human. She paused, feeling his anger subside into thoughtfulness. Once you died and were brought back to existence in this form, you no longer fit into the bounds of the human race. You have human emotions and feelings and needs and sometimes reactions, but now that you have transcended you don't always react the way a human will. She paused again, and her voice filled with mild irony. And the fact that you're immortal and ageless isn't exactly a common human trait.

"How did you know about that?" Jack asked, shocked. He kept his immortality a closely-guarded secret; most people were terrified by it deep down.

I see things now that I never would have seen before my transformation, she replied simply. Actually, immortal isn't a good word to describe you either, because that would mean that you were alive. Once again, Sarah felt his emotions slam into her–more shock, this time–and she hastened to reassure him. Well, you're not alive in the conventional human sense. You're not dead, either, if it makes you feel better. You exist, and your existence is infinite. Your physical existence is eternal. Your psychological existence is eternal. That is why you can't die–you can't die if you're not alive. But you can exist. You just can't not-exist. Her ears flicked, then turned backward, and Jack realized if she'd still been human she'd have been screwing up her brow. Did that make sense?

Jack blinked again, realized his mouth was open, and shut it with a snap. "I think that is the most sense anybody has ever made about me before." An awkward silence fell over the pair. Her facial tendrils clenched and unclenched, like fists he realized, and her ears flicked nervously back and forth. "So, what does this have to do with you? What could a god want to ask me about not being human?"

Because I'm not a god. She felt his mental snort. No, really. I'm a child of heaven, but not a god. If I were a god, you'd KNOW. Trust me on that one. A shudder ran down her body. And I'm a transcendent, like you are. We transcended into different things, you to infinite existence and me to a celestial being, but we are still both transcendents. I was a human until a few months ago, with human life and human desires and human things, and then suddenly I woke up one day to find this weird red line going down the middle of my scalp. No warning, no nothing. Six months later I drove from Portsmouth to Cardiff without knowing why I was going there, and by teatime I had wings and a tail. Behind him, her wings rustled for emphasis. Without warning, the great head shot up, then came back down with an abashed expression (how could a blue horse with a dragon face look abashed?). I'm sorry, are you cold?

***

Jack realized that he was freezing. "Actually, yes. I am."

She stretched her right wing over him, blocking the wind. The membrane of her wing was translucent, the moon glowing softly through it. Here, lean against me. Jack did, feeling both the bulk of her body and the amazing heart-fire energy that coursed through her. Don't be scared, I won't hurt you. Before he could ask what she meant, iridescent flames erupted from her side. They ever so gently wrapped around him, between her body and her wing, turning the sharp autumn night into something warm and cozy. With a start, he remembered how her breath smelled like summer.

Summer. Another memory flitted to the front of his mind. "Is that why you looked me in the eye right before you flew away? I was the only one who you looked at, you just breathed over the heads of all the others. You didn't even lower your head to look at Tosh, you just kissed her hand."

At the time, I was too, well, YOUNG to know exactly what you were. I just knew right then and there that you were different from all of the rest of them, and that somehow you were like me. Or I was like you. I wasn't quite sure what it was until I looked into your soul, and then I knew.

"Into my soul?" He laughed, a dry and ironic laugh, trying as hard as he could to keep the sudden shaft of fear at that statement at bay. She had looked into his SOUL at that moment? He had had no idea. What had she seen? A small part of him began to quiver, that a creature of heaven had seen that deep inside him. "Pretty frightening, huh?" he asked, mentally preparing himself for the utter loathing and rejection a creature of heaven must have felt when looking that far into his self.

Not in the slightest. I...I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I'd never looked into a soul before. She looked him in the eyes, and her expression was grave. You have a beautiful spirit, no matter how hard you try to pretend otherwise and no matter how afraid you are to show it. Think about it, Jack, had you been such a loathsome creature, would you have ever been able to transcend? I don't know what happened, but I can see that the tether that created your current existence is composed of love, loyalty, and devotion. Love caused your transcendence–but love could not have existed had you been as bad as your emotions tell me you think you are. That's why I breathed the Breath of Life on your friends, and just breathed on you. The kiss was just a kiss, and a thank you. You didn't need the Breath of Life. You don't need a blessing of long life or good luck from me; you have enough lifeforce in you that you could breathe long life into *me* if you wanted, and good luck is meaningless to a being of infinite existence such as yourself.

Silence. Sarah felt warring emotions–joy, pain, and an all-encompassing sadness–at that statement. She reached out with one of her facial tendrils and gently wiped away a tear.

He was still sitting on the top of the Millennium Centre, on a freezing night, had been knocked off and expected to die, was caught in a pool of fire, rode on the bare back of a heavenly being, and had her tell him things he had always known about himself but had never been able to name. It amazed and baffled him. He attempted to retreat into his usual flippancy, saying "This has to be the strangest night I've had in a long time, and I've had quite a few strange ones!" But his voice rang hollow, and he just could not pretend that her presence and comments shook him straight to the core.

Jack, she said as she looked into his eyes, please tell me. How did you cope with becoming immortal? With becoming something beyond human? Because that is what is happening to me now, what has been happening to me for the last few months, and I don't know what to do. And I'm so scared.

"Why are you scared? What do you have to be scared about?"

Well, and her voice was shaky, four months ago I changed into a creature that I didn't even know existed, learned that I everything I had done up to that point was a raindrop in a flood. Once I changed, I learned things I couldn't have possibly comprehended. Once the crest broke through, I KNEW things that humans are not supposed to know. I have been to heaven, am part of heaven now, and before I changed I was as skeptical and atheistic as any one alive. Learning about heaven scares me, and I learn more every day. I lost my name, I can no longer speak my own language, and most of all I am the only one of the Kirin who was not born a Kirin. That terrifies me. I'm not a human anymore, but I'm not really a Kirin either, not yet. Maybe some day I will forget everything I knew from being a human, but I will never ever be like the others.

Jack reached out with his hand and stroked the golden mane. He hadn't expected it to feel like it did–instead of feeling like the coarse hair it resembled, it felt like he was sticking his hand into pleasantly warm moving water. "When I first died, I died so that people I loved would live. One of them sacrificed herself to save me, and another one sacrificed himself to save her. I don't know quite when I realized I was like this–and once the surprise wore off, I wanted to beg her to undo what she did. Later, the fact that I couldn't die was used against me, to torture me, but it has allowed me to save others over and over and over again." He looked down, into the swirling blue and green flames that bathed him. "I shut myself down for a while. I didn't want to feel anything, because if I felt too much, I couldn't handle it. Maybe I shouldn't say that, maybe I should say that I didn't shut down, I just let myself drift.

"I think the biggest change is how much I appreciate life now. Human life. I've had to sacrifice people a few times, where killing one means that I can save thousands, if not whole worlds. I had done that before, but it didn't tear my soul into pieces like it does now. Every single one, every single life, it just tears at me. That's why whenever I get the chance, I'll allow myself to be killed so that one of the folks on my team can live. It doesn't matter if I die, because I'll just come back again, but I can't bear watching one of them in mortal danger. Do you remember the other woman, Gwen? Not the one who was, well, I guess your midwife, but the other one?" Sarah nodded. "When I let myself drift, I started to forget just how precious compassion and humanity were, because I shut them out. Every moment of every day, she reminds me of how powerful humanity is, and reminds me of just how precious it is." Jack drew a ragged breath. "She was almost killed a while ago, and I wouldn't have been able to bring her back to life like I have some of the others. I haven't been that scared in a very long time."

He paused for a while, collecting his thoughts. "Honestly, there is nothing you can do but try to will yourself to accept that this is the way you are. It will be long and hard, but eventually you will just have to let it be. I tried and tried to find an answer, or a cure if you will, but eventually just gave in. The only thing I can do is everything I can to preserve their lives and keep their lives as intact as I can. And I'm not doing so good a job with that."

Can you go back to being like them?

"Like a mortal human, you mean? Never. It's too late for that, like trying to catch water after it has spilled into sand. I guess you might even say that I value my life less, because it won't end. I'm expendable, when somebody needs to be bumped off. precisely because I'm not extinguishable. But I can't bear the thought that theirs is."

But how do you deal with the loneliness, or the loss? I'm not close to any of the Kirin, I don't think they really trust me. I'm the first Kirin that is a transcendent in over three thousand years, and the last living transcendent was killed about five hundred years ago. And I can't exactly go back to my human life. What do you do?

"Truthfully? Usually through sex, or killing myself. The one, done correctly, is the biggest affirmation of life ever, EVER, and plus I just enjoy it for its own sake. The other, well, it ends the pain for a while. I can't begin to think of how many times I've committed suicide. I always come back, but for a few minutes the world goes away."

Oh. I'd hoped that you had a way I can use. With what I am now I can't deliberately hurt myself. I just can't, the being that I am now is bound by the laws of heaven and I can't break them.

"Well, laws of heaven or not, I thought you said you were definitely a she, which means that there are some he Kirin?" Jack's tone was lighthearted and suggestive, and he wiggled his eyebrows at her. Her ears flew back and she rustled her wings. "Oh, there are then, are they?"

Well, yeah, but...it's different too. It doesn't work like that. Not that any of the others have shared with me, and I'm not about to ask. Sarah ducked her head and flickered her ears back and forth, and the flames around Jack got distinctly warmer. He realized that she was blushing! Fancy that, he could make a celestial being blush. Suddenly he laughed out loud at the expression on her face and then he felt a stinging swat against his thighs. "Ooh, is that what you Kirin do with your tails? Kinky!"

The huge head flew back into the air and the most beautiful sound he had ever heard in his long life poured out. Unbidden tears sprung to his eyes and poured down his face while his heart lurched in his chest. It reminded him of everything dear to him–Rose, the Doctor, Martha, all the Torchwood team, Estelle, all the people he had ever loved. It reminded him of dawn and fresh snow and the sound of a car engine starting and even, absurdly, of the smell of an onion frying in fresh butter, all new beginnings with great promise. Through the tears, an amazed smile sprung onto his face as he realized the Kirin was laughing. He couldn't help but join in, his ridiculously human laughter forming an odd but perfect harmony to the heavenly sound all around him.

***

When her laughter subsided, Sarah? Jewel? Night? Whatever the name of this amazing being sitting on the top of the world (so it felt) with him turned to him with a mischievous expression, one that quickly faded into contemplation. Do you know, she asked, that I've never laughed in this form before? And I've never heard another of the Kirin laugh?

What is the point of being a creature of heaven if laughter is not part of that heaven? Although her expression was serious, those life-gold eyes sparkled with merriment and her voice carried that mischief with her. I can't believe I didn't figure that out on my own. Just because we are supposed to be divine founts of eternal wisdom doesn't mean we can't laugh. Thank you, Jack, I needed that.

"Did I help answer your questions then, Sarah? I don't really feel like I did anything." Her ears swung such that one facing forward, the other backward.

Well, no, really you didn't, but you did help me be a little bit more human for a while, and I enjoyed it. Her eyes suddenly widened with thought. But that's what you do, isn't it? When it gets to be too much, you find whatever you can find to be just a little bit more human, and accept it as enough, don't you? She arched her neck, and he got the distinct impression she was smiling. I take that back, you answered my question perfectly.

After that astonishing comment, Jack fidgeted slightly against her body. "Glad to be of a service." Despite her protests to the contrary, after witnessing her birth and especially after her revelation that she could see his soul, he still felt like she was a god and he had just told a god what to do with her life. Then he relaxed and laughed. Yes, a god, or something close anyway, had asked him for his advice on life, and then took it. *How about that, Jack Harkness?* he thought. They sat companionably together on the tower, watching the cars and the lights and the moon and lost in their own thoughts. For once, Jack's thoughts didn't trend towards his own demise, but toward new beginnings, like that frying onion or snowballs or the feeling of diving into a swimming pool or running his hand down a lover's back. He also took the time to study the Kirin up close, wondering at the magnificent creature. How rare, and lovely, to not worry about having to dissect a creature or lock it up to keep it from killing others. Iridescent flames continued to caress and warm him.

After an hour or so, Jack's phone rang. He took the call, the Kirin politely pretending to not notice. When Jack hung up, he turned to her and said with a grin, "Well, my opportunity to be just a bit more human for the night just rang, so I'll have to leave your charming company now."

Where are you going?

"Why, did you want to join in the fun? I don't know that you would fit through the doorway," he teased, winking at her.

Well, no, but since it's a nice night and you've been so kind to me, she replied, spreading those marvelous, breathtaking silver wings, can I offer you a ride there?

***

Next story in series - Moonlight Flight.