Title: Sleepless
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1
Prompt: 21, Hold
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor turned over in his bed, propping himself on his elbows and punching his pillow. He'd been restless for the past few nights, unable to sleep, and it was frustrating in the extreme to not be able to rest. This state of affairs had been going on for far too long.

When had he started to have trouble sleeping? he asked himself, his brow furrowing in a frown. Ah, that question wasn't hard to answer -- it was not long after Jack had told him that he needed to go back to Earth, to Torchwood, and had walked out.

That had been the first night that he hadn't been able to sleep -- he'd sat up all night alternating between tears and empty silence; sleep would have been impossible.

Still, that had been some months ago, and he should have learned to deal with his loss now. But no, he hadn't -- that great yawning chasm was still there, that emptiness that it would be so easy to let himself fall into, to drown himself in.

It would be so easy so sink into the comfort of that oblivion, to know that he didn't have to look back. But he couldn't allow himself that luxury, not even after losing the person who'd meant the most to him. He had too many responsibilities -- to the universe, to what he'd committed himself to being.

It would be so much easier to live up to those responsibilities if he had the man he loved by his side ....

The Doctor punched the pillow again, scowling. He didn't need to think like that. He didn't need to think of how much easier life would be if he had Jack here to hold him at night.

But that was what it all came down to, wasn't it? He missed Jack. He always missed having a companion, but this was different. Jack hadn't been just a companion. Jack had been his lover, the man he'd given his hearts and soul to. There had been a bond between them he'd thought would never break.

Jack hadn't had any difficulty breaking that bond; but then, Jack was different from him, so different. He didn't view their relationship in the same way that the Doctor did; he had never wanted them to be together for the rest of their lives.

Or maybe he had, and the Doctor simply hadn't seen that. He didn't know; he would probably never know. He couldn't look into Jack's heart and mind, after all. And he wasn't sure that he'd have wanted to, even if he'd had the chance. Jack was far too complicated a man for him to ever begin to fathom.

He pummeled the pillows before lying down again, sighing and closing his eyes as he rested his cheek on the cool silk of the pillowcase. He should have known that the nights without Jack would feel like the longest hours of his life.

It was the nights when he missed Jack the most; being held, feeling secure and protected, knowing that there was someone in his life who loved him and wanted to be with him.

Did Jack ever feel the same? Did the immortal miss holding him, drifting off to sleep with the Doctor in his arms? Another question that he'd never have the answer to.

For all he knew, Jack had someone else in his life now. He was selfish enough to hope that it wasn't the case, but then, that wouldn't be fair to Jack. He was the kind of man who needed someone in his life. He wouldn't be happy without someone to love.

Or would he? He'd seemed .... somehow remote and distant unless the two of them were alone; maybe he only loosened up and showed that side of his emotions when someone truly touched his heart. Maybe he didn't want to find someone to be his other half.

The Doctor couldn't keep back a small smile at the thought. Whatever else Jack might think of him, he knew that he'd at least been able to touch the other man's soul in a way that no one else had.

At least that was a thought that he could keep in his mind; he might not have Jack here to hold him, but he had an emotional hold on the other man that would never be broken, no matter how they both might try to deny that fact to the rest of the world.

But if he was truthful with himself, he would give up anything that he might have to sacrifice just to have Jack here with him again, to be held in those strong arms and know that he was loved and needed. He'd give up whatever he had to if he could have that back again.

It was obvious that wasn't going to happen. Jack wasn't going to give up Torchwood, turn his back on what he felt his own responsibilities were, to go back to his life with the Time Lord. But, the Doctor told himself, he could always dream. That was all he had left at this point.

He sighed again, turning onto his back and folding his arms behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. It was going to be another sleepless night. He should probably get used to it, the Doctor thought as he closed his eyes.

***