Title: The Teacup Revolt
By: bookwrm89
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Summary: Torchwood's teacups are tired of being ignored and decide to make their feelings known.

***

Look at that, he always uses the coffee cups! Man, this place is a drag. Let's do something about this discrimination!

Ianto Jones looked around nervously, wondering where the voices he'd just heard had come from. He shook it off and continued to make the coffee.

Look at his hands...I wish he'd touch me with those long, gorgeous fingers. Oh, for...you're a teacup! So, doesn't mean I can't appreciate a nice caress.

The coffee cup Ianto had just filled slipped from his hands and crashed to the floor, spattering the contents everywhere.

"Ianto, are you ok?" Jack called.

Ianto thought fast. Hearing voices was not a good thing, especially when you've been through as much trauma as he has. But on the other hand, he did work for Torchwood, which seemed to relish throwing the absurd and unexpected at them regularly. Better to be safe than sorry. "Jack, something weird is going on, I think you'd better get over here!"

"What is it, Ianto?" Jack came bounding up, followed by the rest of the team.

Ooooh, there's that lovely captain, too. What I wouldn't give to be pressed against those lips!

"Please tell me you heard that, Jack?" Ianto pleaded. The astonished look on Jack's face was answer enough. The giggles from Gwen and Toshiko and snort from Owen indicated they'd heard the voice too.

"What the hell was that, Ianto?" Jack asked.

"I think it was the teacups, sir. They seem to be unhappy that we're not using them more often."

Damn right we're unhappy! Look at us, all fine china and beautiful, collecting dust. Yeah, you always ignore us in favor of the coffee cups. Stupid ceramic mugs.

"Umm, Toshiko? Any idea of what's going on here?" Jack looked over to where Tosh had her scanner in hand, pointed towards the shelf full of teacups.

"They seem to have absorbed some rift energy, Jack. I think they are alive." Tosh's voice was soft with wonder.

Owen snorted, "Great. Just bloody great! Sentient teacups. What next, Teaboy? Is the coffee machine going to start tap-dancing?"

Why do you always call him Teaboy anyway? It's not like he actually makes tea. Although he could be my Teaboy anytime! Would you stop that? I'm trying to have a serious conversation here. So am I. Don't tell me you haven't noticed how hot he is!

By this time, Ianto was blushing a brilliant shade of red and the rest of the team was trying to stifle their laughter. Except for Jack, he was glaring at the row of teacups, trying to figure out which one had a crush on his Ianto.

"Hey, hands..er...handles off Ianto, ok? He's mine!"

Gwen looked at their captain in disbelief, "Jack, are you seriously jealous of a teacup?"

Oh, chip me, Captain. Like I could ever compete with a gorgeous guy like you! I'd just appreciate a little affection once in a while.

"All right, we need to fix this like right now! Toshiko, figure out how this happened and what we can do to reverse it. Owen, help her out. Gwen, why don't you run get us some coffee from the shop for now. I think we need to stay as far away from this area as we can until we figure out a way to fix it. Ianto, you're with me." Jack turned and stalked off to his office, Ianto slowly following him, but not fast enough to escape the small voice.

I bet they're going off to do dirty things behind closed doors.

"You're probably not far off on that one," Owen replied.

(An hour later....)

Owen and Toshiko had called everyone to Tosh's workstation, Jack and Ianto coming from Jack's office flushed and slightly out of breath.

"Ok, we found a way to reverse what happened to the teacups. We just need to scan them with this sonic device and they should go back to being normal, un-sentient teacups again," Owen explained.

"But, what caused this in the first place?" Gwen asked.

"And are any of the other inanimate objects around here going to start talking to us?" Ianto looked around nervously.

Tosh smiled reassuringly. "It was caused by something in their chemical compound coming in contact with residual rift energy. The coffee cups have the same compound, but weren't affected because of the oils they absorb from our skin."

"So, let me get this straight. Because we didn't use them, the teacups absorbed rift energy and became sentient?" Jack shook his head. "Right, then. Use that sonic thingy on them, and I think it would be a good idea to have a proper British tea this afternoon!"

Later, the team sat nervously around the conference table, trying to enjoy the lovely tea Ianto had prepared. None of them had heard any more voices and the scans Tosh had done showed that the teacups were back to their normal, in-animate status. But as Ianto lifted his cup to take a sip of tea, he almost choked as he heard a small whisper at the back of his mind.

Oh, Ianto. I just love the feel of your hands.

***