Title: The Life We Lead
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ianto Jones
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating:PG-13
Table: 1, fanfic50
Prompt: 14, Life
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor or Ianto Jones, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

"Have you thought about what our lives would be like now if the Rift hadn't taken me and then brought me back?" Ianto murmured as he and the Doctor lay in bed after they had made love, their bodies and hearts sated. "They'd probably be very different."

"Not so different at the moment," the Doctor said softly, shaking his head. "I believe we'd still be together -- and things wouldn't have changed so much here on the Tardis. The main difference would be that you'd be older," he said, lifting his head slightly to gaze up at his lover.

"Well, that much time hasn't passed since it happened, so I hope that I wouldn't have changed for the worse," Ianto said with a soft laugh, tightening his arm around the Doctor's waist. "It's not as though I would have aged suddenly and looked ten years older."

"That's true," the Doctor conceded, his laugh mirroring Ianto's. "But I would have always worried about you getting older, becoming more fragile. And I would have --" He stopped speaking shaking his head. "I don't want to think about losing you, Ianto."

"You would have always had the shadow of my impending death looming over you," Ianto finished for him, his voice very soft. "You don't have to worry about that now, Doctor. Thank goodness, we've managed to avoid that, though I still don't know quite how."

"I suppose we'll never know just why it happened," the Doctor mused, sounding thoughtful. "But to be honest, I don't think it really matters. As long as this change is permanent, then I can put aside the fear of losing you far too soon."

"You aren't going to lose me at any time," Ianto told him, hoping that he was speaking the truth. Yes, he was immortal now, but who knew if it was permanent? He hoped it was, but they had no way of being sure. So he would try to enjoy it while he could.

It still felt odd, to know that he would never die. He wondered how he would feel the first time he technically "died," and then was brought back -- as Jack had experienced so many times. Now he would know exactly how Jack had felt.

It wasn't going to be pleasant, he was sure of that. But it would at least be a comfort to know that the death he experienced wasn't going to be the end, that he would come back and be with the man he loved again and again, rather than facing the darkness alone.

He already knew that death meant darkness; he might not have been dead for long before the Rift had given him a second chance at life, but he had been there long enough to know that he didn't want to return on a permanent basis any time soon.

Or any time at all, really. The only way that he would be able to accept death, the final and ultimate death, would be if he was with the Doctor. If he knew that his lover would take his hand and face that darkness with him, then he could walk into it fearlessly.

Of course, that would mean that the Doctor would have to face the final death, as well -- and that wasn't something he wanted to consider. It was selfish of him to want the man he loved to give up his own life so they could continue to be together.

Yet if he was honest with himself, that was what he wanted when it came time for him to face the end of his life. He was only glad that it wouldn't have to be faced as soon as it would have been if he was still human. That was a relief.

Life was so tenuous for humans -- and it had been for him until very recently. Would he ever get used to the idea that he couldn't die, that he wouldn't have to face the inevitable aging and death that he'd thought would be his due? Ianto didn't think so.

At this point, it seemed that such knowledge would always feel strange, like a new coat that he had a hard time getting used to shrugging into. It didn't feel comfortable to him; his immortality didn't envelop him as he had thought it would. He felt uncomfortable in his own skin.

He fervently hoped that feeling would change; he didn't want to feel as though he wasn't exactly where he belonged. He didn't want to keep feeling as if he had only borrowed his immortality, as if it was something he would have to relinquish after a brief time.

His immortality wasn't something that he wanted to give up -- but not for his own sake. He knew what it would do to the Doctor to lose him, and he couldn't bear the thought of the man he loved going through the rest of his life alone.

The Doctor's greatest fear was being alone -- he'd admitted that to Ianto several times. Ianto didn't want to be like the other humans in his life who had died, leaving him through no fault of their own. It was still a betrayal, in way -- whether they had wanted to leave or not.

He would never leave -- not through death, or for any other reason. He would always be right here, always by the Doctor's side, loving him and supporting him in every way possible. This was where he belonged, the only place he ever wanted to be.

Earth and Torchwood seemed very far away now; it was almost as though that life had belonged to another person, someone he barely even recognized any more. Even the person he had been when he first met the Doctor seemed like part of another lifetime.

He had changed so much in the time that they'd been together -- and all of those changes were for the better. At least, that was how he felt; and he was fairly sure that the Doctor would agree with him. He had grown a lot, and he was still doing so all the time.

If he had stayed on Earth, and hadn't decided to follow his passion for the Doctor and let the Time Lord know how he felt, he would probably either still be working for Torchwood -- or dead. He doubted that he would still be with Jack; that ship had long since sailed.

Their relationship had ended before he and the Doctor had ever met, and Ianto knew that it could never be rekindled. Still, he had to thank Jack for initiating him into the world of being in love with a man; it had made his relationship with the Doctor easier to pursue.

But what he'd felt for Jack had never been like this. They had been lovers, yes; they had cared deeply for each other, but they had never been soul mates. Jack wasn't the man he was meant to spend eternity with. The Doctor was.

His life had become something that he had never expected, but he was happier with the life that he led now that he ever would have been with his life on Earth. Then, he had just been marking time, wishing he could make a difference. Now, he was actually making that difference.

Oh, he had helped people when he was a member of Torchwood; he had no doubt of that. But what he was doing now, in his life with the Doctor, traveling through the stars, felt much more important than anything he could have done as a glorified coffee boy.

"What are you thinking about?" the Doctor asked, his voice very soft. "Whatever it is, I'd like to know, Ianto. There shouldn't be any secrets between us, and if it's something that bothers you, then I want to help with whatever it is, to make it go away."

Ianto laughed softly, shaking his head and pulling the Doctor more closely against him. "It's nothing that bothers me, love," he murmured, brushing a kiss across the Time Lord's forehead. "I was just thinking about .... life. The one I had on Earth, versus the one I have now."

"I hope this one is coming out on the winning end," the Doctor said, with another soft laugh. "Because I can certainly say that my life has vastly improved since you've been a part of it, Ianto Jones. And I believe that it's only going to keep getting better."

"I believe that I would have to agree with you on that," Ianto said softly, rolling over until the Doctor was on his back under him. As he lowered his lips to his lover's, Ianto couldn't help feeling that yes, the life he led now was very good indeed.

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