Title: This Letter
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ianto Jones
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, letter100
Prompt: 65, Love Letter
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Ianto Jones, unfortunately. Please do not sue.***
My beloved Ianto,
I'm still feeling unsettled after all that's happened, but slowly -- very slowly -- I'm starting to feel like myself again. It's a strange sensation to know that I'm different than I was before, even more so than when I've gotten a new body in the past.
I'll always have this body. I'll never again have to worry about losing it. That also feels strange, but it's what I've wanted for a long time now. I've been terrified of something happening to me and forcing a regeneration, and losing this body forever.
What frightened me the most was the question of whether or not you would still be able to love me if I was in another body -- and whether I would change so much that our relationship would be over. I couldn't have borne that, even if I'd become a different man.
I could never stop loving you, Ianto. Even in a different body, with a different personality, I don't doubt for one millisecond that I would still feel the same. Loving you is such an integral part of who I am that I know it would never change, no matter what the circumstances.
Not only is my love for you a part of who I am -- but we're now bonded. Even if our feelings changed, we would always be bonded. Bonding isn't like a marriage that can be severed by divorce. It's for eternity, for both people involved.
We're part of each other forever now, love. This is what I've wanted for so long, and I know that you've wanted it equally as much. It hardly seems possible that in the midst of all that's been going on in our lives, that we've managed to bond ourselves.
If we hadn't done that, I don't know that I would have been able to make it through those torturous nights that the Master sent all of those disturbing dreams -- well, for me, memories in the form of dreams. I'd have crumbled without you by my side.
You may not think that, but it's true. Without you in my life, I'm not nearly as strong as I am with your strength added to mine. Yes, I'm a strong person; I've had to learn how to be over the centuries. But I'm much stronger with your love to bolster me.
And to think that this all started with the love letters you wrote me so long ago! I've saved each and every one of them, you know. I look back at each one with love, even the notes that were only a sentence long. Each one has a special meaning in my hearts.
All the letters that we've written to each other over the time that we've been together are special to me, as well. I'll admit that it does hurt to read some of them, knowing how you felt at being left behind on Earth while I was out amongst the stars.
But at the time, I felt that it was the best place for you to be, Ianto. I know that I was wrong about that; you were in just as much danger working with the Torchwood team as you would have been in had you been with me for all of that time. I just didn't want to see it then.
I feel terrible about that now. Your safety was always the most important thing to me; trying to make sure that you wouldn't be harmed in any way was my paramount concern. But yet I blithely ignored the fact that you had a dangerous job at the time.
It would have been better for us both if I'd simply let you make your own choice to stay with me, rather than insisting that I was the one who knew what was best for both of us. It would certainly have kept me from doing one of the stupidest things I've ever conceived of.
I'm not going to dwell on that horrible time; it's the past, over and done with. All I can say about it now is that I'll be everlastingly grateful to you -- and to Jack and Owen, as well -- for rescuing me from my own folly and making me see that I was wrong.
My fear then -- and now -- is that the Master will start to fixate on you, that he'll use you against me. He's already done that, and now that he knows we're bonded, he's going to keep doing it, probably more so than ever. Which puts you in even more danger.
I won't let that happen, love. Even though you're now immortal, I don't think that I can deal with seeing you die over and over. I never got used to it with Jack -- and I wasn't bonded to him. I can't bear having my hearts break time and time again.
Yes, I know that you would come back. But there would still be that tingle of fear that this time, for some reason, you'd be gone. I don't want to live with that kind of fear. It may not be possible to always keep you safe, but I'm going to try my best to do so.
I want to be able to get more of your love letters in the future. I want to keep adding them to my collection, to take out and look and read over and over, and hold close to my heart. And that isn't going to happen if you deliberately put yourself in harm's way.
We both need to look out for each other, love. I want us to be writing those love letters to each other long into the future, when we're old men and we've been with each other for our entire lives. I want that future to be assured for us, to be something that we can look forward to.
Every time I read one of those love letters, I'm warmed by how much love was already there. Even in the short notes, I can feel the desire rising from the page, your emotions wrapping around me as though they're a tangible element.
I know that this letter will only be the first of many more to come, Ianto. When we've been together for centuries, our love will still be just as strong as it is now -- and we'll have hundreds of beautiful letters that we can look back on with fond memories.
Eternally your
Doctor***
- Main Torchwood slash page
- New stories page
- Jack/Ianto stories
- Ianto/Owen stories
- Other pairings stories - ie threesomes
- F/F stories
- Gen stories
- Amazon.com - Torchwood: Children of Earth
- Amazon.co.uk - Torchwood - Children of Earth [DVD] [2009]
- Amazon.ca link - Torchwood - The Complete First Season (7DVD)