Title: Owen’s a Tosser
By: amuly
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Word Count: 3,602
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Expansion of #32 42 Recreational Uses for a Stopwatch Part III: Timing; Jack and Ianto mutilate a pig to play a prank on Owen. Set during series 1.
Warnings: pig mutilation squick? Nothing sexual, just…if you have issues with mutilation of pig corpses, there’s a lot of that in here.
A/N: This is for analia_the_1st, who requested the expansion. It went it a weird direction, darling. Sorry? I’m having a hell of a time writing things without just a pinch of angst right now, for some reason.

 

            Jack wandered over to the autopsy bay, following the sound of Ianto’s voice. “What’s the species?”

            “Human. Or, what’s left of one.” As Jack rounded the corner into the autopsy bay, Owen and Ianto came into view. Owen was in the pit, poking at some truly gruesome remains. Ianto was standing above him, making notes on a clipboard.

            “How can you tell?”

            Owen nodded his head over toward one of the machines in the autopsy bay, both hands occupied with taking a tissue sample from the remains. “I took a DNA sample and ran it through the analyzer. Came back as human.”

            Jack watched as Ianto continued to scribble down some notes. A small frown line creased his forehead. “Do you normally do that? Take DNA and run it through?”

            Tissue sample successfully bagged, Owen had moved on to scraping something off of the remains’…skull? Leg? Some sort of chunk of bone. “No, not unless I’ve got a good reason. I could, but seems like a waste of time to do it when you know it’s human, or a Weevil, or whatever.”

            Jack was watching Ianto’s expression carefully. It was just there for a split second, and only Jack would have noticed it: Ianto’s eyes narrowed, and his mouth twitched into a small grin. But then the expression was gone, replaced by a cool mask of indifference. Down in the pit, Owen glanced up at Ianto. “What, do you want me to add it into standard operating procedure? Because seriously, Ianto…”

            “Oh, no, no.” Ianto shook his head, finishing off whatever he was writing on the clipboard. “Just making sure I knew what things were standard and not. You’re right: it’d be a waste of time to do that if we know the species.” There it was again. That little thoughtful smile. Jack was going to have to find out what was going on. “Alright, thanks Owen. That’s all I needed to know.”

            Quickly Jack ducked back, hiding in his office as Ianto walked over to the coffee machine. Glancing over at Owen, who was still busy with the…pile of goo and bones…Jack snuck past the autopsy bay as quietly as he could, and over to Ianto. He was busy refilling the machine, measuring the beans and water carefully. Even though it was obvious Ianto knew he was there, Jack slipped behind him quietly and ghosted a hand over his waist. “Ianto…”

            “Sir? I’m in the middle of something.” For all of Ianto’s façade of cool formality, Jack still noticed the slightly worried glance he shot in the direction of the Hub. Jack frowned. So Ianto was still worried about what the other members of Torchwood would think and say about them, if they knew that he and Jack were…Jack frowned again. Whatever they were.

            Squeezing Ianto’s waist teasingly, Jack pulled away from him, putting a reasonable amount of distance between them. He would worry about all that later. But now, he had some investigating to do. “What are you planning?”

             “I…don’t know what you mean, sir.” Oh, that sly little Welshman. He was trying his best not to smile, but Jack could still see it, ghosting across his lips. Ianto snapped the machine closed and started it up, obviously trying to stay busy.

            “Ianto…” Jack teased. “Tell me.”

            Sighing, Ianto turned to Jack, glancing over his shoulder toward the autopsy bay. Apparently satisfied that they wouldn’t be overheard, Ianto lowered his voice and raised his eyebrows. “Well, I was thinking…”

            “Yeah?”

            Again, a glance toward the autopsy bay. “Owen doesn’t normally run a DNA scan, unless we’re uncertain about the species. So…” another glance, “I was thinking of getting my hands on something human-looking, mutilating it a bit, then telling Owen it’s a human. Wanted to see how long it would take him to figure it out.”

            Jack shoved his hands in his pockets, considering. Like Ianto, he turned and glanced toward the autopsy bay before he spoke. “Do you really think that would work? Owen’s a good doctor, he’ll notice.”

            Ianto shook his head. “Not if I get something close enough, and mutilate it just right. He shouldn’t notice until he’s inside and he realizes the organs are different. Even then, it might take him a while. Considering the sorts of things we see on this job.”

            There was a lull in the conversation as Jack considered. He watched as Ianto pulled down on a lever of the coffee machine, and the machine began to hum. Jack had no idea how a coffee machine could be so complicated, but Ianto knew how to use it, and every batch he brewed was the best coffee Jack had ever tasted. “Alright. Alright. But, you realize that Owen will want to get revenge?”

            Ianto turned from the machine, incredulous. “Revenge? This is revenge for the time Owen put Janet in the backseat of my car!”

            “Oh, yeah…” Jack grinned at the memory. He still had that CCTV footage saved somewhere around here… “But wasn’t that just Owen’s revenge for you-”

            “Let’s not talk about that,” Ianto quickly cut off Jack. The two men shared a grin. Ianto’s expression grew serious again. “Jack, look…”

            “No, that’s fine. So, how do you plan on doing it?”

            A boyish grin crossed Ianto’s face. Jack forgot, sometimes, just how young Ianto was. He hid it beneath the suits and that calm politeness. “Really? You want to help?”

            “Sure. Not like I’ve got anything better to do…” Jack eyed Ianto lasciviously.

            A blush spread across Ianto’s face, and he ducked his head, fiddling with the coffee machine. He filled five cups of coffee, setting them out carefully as he mixed in cream and sugar according to each team member’s preference. He handed Jack his own mug: no sugar or cream. Jack dragged his fingertips across Ianto’s on purpose, grinning broadly as the flush on Ianto’s face spread to his ears and neck.

            “I’ll just…get the rest of the team their coffee, sir. We can discuss this tonight?”

            “Yeah. Tonight.” Oh, Jack did love making Ianto blush. As Ianto moved to enter the main area of the Hub and distribute the coffee, Jack stood just a little bit in the way, making him nudge him to get past. Jack grinned as he watched Ianto walk away, cute little bum moving beneath his trousers. For a moment, Jack stood there, hands in his pockets, staring. Then he shook himself and went back to work.

**

            That night, Jack was shucking on his coat as Ianto helped him into it. “So, what’s the plan?” The rest of the team had long gone home, and Jack and Ianto had already gotten their own “work” done. Jack grinned at Ianto as he walked ahead of him, out of the Hub and into the Torchwood car park.

            “Well, my thoughts were that we would get ourselves a nice, human-looking corpse, then mutilate it up a bit. A pig, to be precise.”

            “A pig?”

            Ianto nodded, unlocking the SUV and sliding in. Jack slid in the opposite door. As they sped off down the darkened streets of Cardiff, Jack slipped a hand onto Ianto’s thigh. He didn’t acknowledge it, aside from a small quirk of his lips. He didn’t try to remove the hand, either.

            After about twenty minutes of driving Ianto pulled into a large warehouse. As they stepped out, Jack put a sleeve to his nose. “Uh! What is that smell?” He walked around the SUV to Ianto, who was waiting for him.

            “It’s the pork factory. That smell comes from when they process the fat.”

            Jack took his arm away from his nose, but continued to wrinkle it in disgust. “That’s terrible. Let’s get in and out quick.” Jack followed Ianto into the factory.

            Inside, the two men paused and looked around. They were in a large room, filled with conveyor belts and meat hooks on automated tracks. Jack let out a low whistle. “Reminds me of some of the kinkier pleasure dens in the Damisen cluster. Crazy…” Jack caught Ianto rolling his eyes as he decisively stepped forward.

            “Anyway, sir, if you’re done reminiscing, you could help me lift this pig off the hook and haul it into the boot of the SUV.”

            Jack mock-pouted, but stepped forward, grabbing the nearest hanging pig. “This one do?”

            “Looks fine to me, sir.”

            Jack wrapped his arms around the pig in a bear hug, then nodded his head at Ianto, indicating that he should do the same. Ianto positioned himself on the other side of the pig, opposite Jack, and wrapped his arms around, just below Jack’s. “Count of three?” Ianto nodded, cheek pressed against the corpse. “One, two, and…three!” The two men hauled the pig up. For a second, it remained stuck on the hook. Then it shifted slightly, and the pig abruptly came free, weight overbalancing the men.

            “Shit, Ianto!” But Ianto didn’t need telling. He jumped out of the way, Jack mirroring him. The pig crashed down to the ground, and a sickening crunching, squelching noise filled the air of the silent warehouse. Jack winced and glanced at Ianto, who was actually hurrying to grab the pig again and haul it to the car.

            “Um, isn’t it sort of ruined, now? More of a paste then a corpse?”

            Ianto shook his head, looking up from his position bent over the pig. “All the better, this way. Makes it tougher for Owen to identify. Now, I could use some help getting this to the boot.”

            Jack grinned as he bent down and gripped the pig’s haunches, lifting it into the air with Ianto. The corpse swung almost gracefully between them as they walked. “Guess you need some assistance, huh?”

            Ianto rolled his eyes, but Jack could see the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “No need to get cheeky, sir.”

            With a mighty swing, the two men tossed the corpse into the boot. Jack leaned against the back of the SUV, grinning madly at Ianto. “Cheeky, huh? Wouldn’t mind getting a little cheeky right now…” Jack leaned into Ianto, but was disappointed when he pulled away, yanking the SUV door down and slamming it shut. Jack frowned as he watched Ianto walk around to the driver’s side. That was the second time today that Ianto had pulled away from him.

            “Jack? You coming? We need to mutilate this before it starts to rot.”

            With a grin firmly plastered on his face, Jack hopped into the passenger side and shut the door. He could worry about Ianto’s moods later: now, they had a pig to mutilate.

**

            Jack wiped sweat from his forehead, then immediately regretted it. Ugk, pig guts. He was going to take a long, long shower as soon as this was over. Preferably with Ianto, but with the way his moods were swinging right now, Jack wasn’t sure what he was up for. Like dating a woman. Not that they were dating or anything. Well, they were, sort of. Could you call it dating if you had never been on a date? Did what they did count as dates?

            “Jack, could you pass me the bone saw?”

            Jack looked around the make-shift autopsy room they had set up in the vaults. Bone saw, bone saw…ah. Jack picked up the bone saw and passed it over to Ianto. They were both sweating and disgusting, but Jack personally liked the look on Ianto. Pig guts in his hair, sweat plastering it to his forehead. He had his sleeves rolled up and waistcoat unbuttoned. It took a great deal of personal restraint for Jack to stay where he was, rather than jumping Ianto right there and having him shag him into the dirty floor.

            “Jack? Jack?” Jack started, glancing over at Ianto. He was looking at him curiously.

            “Oh, sorry. Distracted.”

            Ianto’s self-satisfied smirk indicated to Jack that he knew exactly what was distracting him.

            “Well, the faster we get this done, the faster we can have a shower.” Jack’s grin widened as Ianto leered deliciously at him. Oh, his filthy Welshman. “In the interim, can you please pass me the mallet?”

            Jack passed the mallet over to Ianto and watched as he began to pound the sides of the corpse into a slightly more human shape, giving it a bit of a waist and space where legs might have gone. He set the mallet down, wiping sweat from the back of his neck with a handkerchief. Jack adored the fact that Ianto kept a handkerchief, thought he could personally think of much better ways to remove sweat from the back of Ianto’s neck.

            Ianto looked up and over at Jack. “Ready with the fire extinguisher?”

             Cheekily, Jack held up the extinguisher. “Normally I wouldn’t be so eager to put out fires…”

            “Just be ready.” Ianto shot Jack a gentle little smile, and Jack saluted him back. Jack watched as Ianto hefted a flamethrower and pointed it at the pig corpse. After bracing himself carefully, Ianto opened the valve and flicked the trigger, spraying the pig with a stream of flames. The pig was quickly engulfed, and Ianto shut off the flamethrower, watching the fire burn for a short while. “Ready?”

            The handkerchief was now covering Ianto’s mouth and nose, shielding him from the acrid smell of burning flesh. Jack thought it smelled a bit like a barbeque, personally.

            Ianto gave the signal, waving at Jack. He sprang into action, dousing the pig corpse in white foam from the fire extinguisher. When the fire was safely out, Jack dipped his finger in the flame retardant and wiped it on the tip of Ianto’s nose. Ianto scrunched up his face and wiped it away with his handkerchief. “Jack…”

            “Mm. Well, I do love to see you covered in white foam.”

            Ianto rolled his eyes, but the grin threatening at the corners of his mouth belied his annoyance. Jack turned back to the pig, hands on his hips. “D’you think this was too much work just for a prank?”

            For a moment cocked his head, considering. With a grin he turned to Jack and shook his head. “The look on Owen’s face is going to be worth it. Plus,” he leaned forward, invading Jack’s personal space. Jack wouldn’t have him any other way. “I was thinking you might want to place a bet.”

            Jack’s trousers suddenly were getting to be a bit tight, and the room too warm. Then again, the latter might have been due to the flaming pig from a minute previous. “A bet?”

            Ianto nodded slowly. “On how long it would take Owen to realize that it was a pig, rather than human. What do you say?”

            Jack rubbed at his chin, doing his best to appear nonchalant. He saw Ianto’s glance flicker down to his groin, and knew he wasn’t fooling him. “Well, only if we bet our usual.”

            Ianto arched any eyebrow. “Of course. I would say…” He considered for a moment, eyes drifting up as he appeared to be calculating something in his head. “Six minutes, until Owen realizes it.”

            “Six? That’s a while. Owen’s good: I wouldn’t have hired him otherwise.”

            “Care to place your bet?”

            Jack pulled Ianto in, hands on his waist. He noticed Ianto’s eyes flick down, though this time it was at his hands dirtying up his belt. Ianto was really too predictable sometimes. “You’re on. Three minutes.”

            “Three minutes it is.” With a pleased smirk, Ianto pulled away from Jack and began cleaning up the room: shoving the tools they used into a bag, slinging the flamethrower over his shoulder. Jack stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Ianto, nuzzling at his neck.

            “Sir, you’re going to get filthy.”

            “Too late.” He couldn’t see Ianto’s face, but he knew he was rolling his eyes at the double entendre. “Come on, let’s shower up.”

            “Let me just clean these up first.” Ianto turned in Jack’s embrace to face him, shrugging the bag and flamethrower into a more comfortable position. “Ten minutes. Then shower.”

            “Can I time you?”

            Ianto nodded at himself. “Front waistcoat pocket. No,” Ianto jerked his head sideways as Jack reached for the right pocket, “left.”

            Jack pulled out the stopwatch and clicked it. Practically Pavlovian, the way Ianto’s eyes went wide and breath quickened at the sound. Not that Jack’s body wasn’t having the same sort of response. “Ten minutes…” Ianto turned on his heel and hurried out of the room, leaving Jack with a mutilated and burnt pig. Well, at least he was going to get shower sex. Not the worst day he’d ever had; not by a long shot.

**

            Jack wrapped his arm around Ianto, pulling him closer to him. They were downstairs in his bunk, freshly showered and freshly shagged. Twice. Jack allowed himself a self-satisfied smirk.

            As Jack threaded his fingers in Ianto’s hair, other hand ghosting up and down his arm, he frowned. All those little moments from earlier in the day came back to him: by the coffee machine, outside the SUV…each times when Ianto had shrugged him off, pulled away from him. But he certainly wasn’t shirking Jack’s touch now. What was the difference?

            “What was with you today?”

            “Sir?” Ianto’s voice was muffled, bordering on sleepy. Jack grinned and kissed the top of his head.

            “Pulling away from me at the coffee machine. Outside the SUV, too.” That woke Ianto up from his post-coital stupor. He stiffened in Jack’s arms for a moment, before rolling away. He didn’t get very far on the camp bed, but the intent was clear. Jack shifted to his side and propped his head up on a crooked elbow. “Ianto?”

            “Don’t know what you’re talking about, sir.”

            “’Course you do. Hey,” Jack reached out a hand, tugging gently at Ianto’s shoulder. Reluctantly, Ianto let himself be pulled over, until he was facing Jack. His eyes were hooded and downcast, refusing to look up. “Did I do something wrong? I’m still getting used to this whole 21st century dating…thing. You gotta tell me if I screw up, or I won’t know.” Jack spoke with a smile on his face, but he knew the seriousness of his words was getting through.

            “It’s just…”

            “Yeah?”

            “The…the team.” Ianto’s eyes flicked up for a second, then dropped back down.

            “The team? But, don’t they sorta know, already? Or suspect?” Jack and Ianto had been fooling around since the beginning, and Jack wasn’t sure exactly how long any individual member of the team had known about them. But he was pretty sure that Owen and Tosh suspected. Gwen might not have caught on yet, but she would eventually. “Even if they don’t, does it matter?”

             “It’s not that.” Ianto hesitated. Jack tilted his head down, trying to see into Ianto’s eyes. He couldn’t imagine what it was that was bothering Ianto so much. If everyone knew they were shagging, what was the big deal if he touched him in front of them? Not like it’d be weird to see Gwen and Rhys…well, that might be a bit off-putting, but not unexpected. And certainly not something to make Jack keep his hands to himself.

            “Then what is it then? Ianto, out with it.”

            Ianto finally met Jack’s eyes for a long moment. Oh. They were filled with vulnerability, nervousness…uncertainty. “It’s just…Owen thinks I want to shag you. Which, of course, I do.” Jack nodded, feeling like pointing out their equal states of nudity would be a bit redundant at the moment. “But, he thinks…he thinks I’m like, a rent-boy for you. Not that that’s a bad thing, or anything. But, you know. We’ve been together, I mean, I’m not looking for exclusivity, unless, I don’t mean to say…” Ianto sighed, and Jack’s lips quirked at the sight. One of the many expression Jack loved to see on Ianto’s face was frustration. Not because he liked Ianto frustrated: he just looked so damn cute. “This is coming out all wrong.”

            “A bit wibbly-wobbly.” Ianto raised an eyebrow. Jack waved a hand in dismissal, letting it come to rest on Ianto’s hip. “Never mind. Keep trying.”

            Ianto took a breath. “It wouldn’t be a surprise to the team if they knew we were shagging. But it’s not like they see it, see us. I’d rather keep it that way.”

            “Professional atmosphere? Ianto, we’re Torchwood. Normal workplace etiquette doesn’t apply.”

            “More like possessiveness.” Ianto’s whole face turned red, from the tips of his ears to the hollow of his throat. Jack grinned broadly. “Don’t want them to see. I’d rather…keep ourselves to ourselves.”

            “Why Ianto Jones…” Jack wrapped his arm tighter around him, pulling the blushing Welshman in close. “I think that just might be the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”

            Ianto huffed, looking equal parts uncomfortable, embarrassed, and pleased with himself. “Must not hear very many romantic things, if this ranks.”

            “Ianto?”

            “Yes, sir?”

            “Shut up and kiss me.”

            Ianto obliged, grinning so widely that it almost ruined the kiss. Jack wouldn’t have Ianto any other way.

            “So…” Jack pulled Ianto into his chest, listening as the younger man breathed in deep. He loved listening to Ianto smell him, though he’d never say it aloud: another one of those thoughts that could be construed as creepy. “You gonna make sure the CCTV is recording in the autopsy room tomorrow?”

            “Oh, definitely.” Ianto’s voice began to sound thick with sleep again. “Gotta…” a yawn broke through, “save it for the Christmas video. Hub’s top 10 of 2007.” Jack chuckled, planting one last kiss on Ianto’s head, before he felt him fall asleep.