Title: Sleeping and Waking
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, letter100
Prompt: 47, Sleeping In
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones, the Tenth Doctor, or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

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Dear Jack,

You're sleeping now, after a day of exploring an unknown planet. I'm sitting here at my desk in the library of the Tardis, because I don't feel tired enough to sleep, and I don't want to disturb you with all of my restless tossing and turning.

It's strange that I feel completely comfortable with letting you sleep and not wanting to be there beside you, wrapped in your embrace in the comfort of our bed. I always had a hard time when we were together before with letting you go to sleep alone.

I suppose that's because I was always so afraid that I would wake up and find you gone. There was a little fear that gnawed away at me all the time, some sort of premonition that you weren't completely happy with me and that you would eventually leave.

There's a part of me that still feels that fear, but I try to push it aside and ignore it. That's not always so easy for me to do, but I'm trying. I kno that I can't love where I don't trust, and I'm trying my best to give you my trust as wholeheartedly as I can.

That trust is already starting to build. I wouldn't be able to leave our bed so nonchalantly if it weren't, and I'm looking forward to the days when we'll be able to sleep in and not leave that bed. But for now, I think it's best if I don't wake you from your sleep with my restlessness.

I've told you in another letter that I have a hard time trusting you, and I'm sure that you'll understand why. I don't need to explain all of that to you over again. I doubt that you'll have a hard time agreeing with me once you know my reasons for being hesitant.

But lately, I have no problem with letting you go to sleep alone in our bed. I know that you aren't going anywhere -- not even if we happen to be on Earth at the time. You're not going to sneak out and leave me without a word, as I used to think you would.

I can't honestly say why I ever thought that. I suppose it's because of the times I spent at the Hub, going to sleep in your bed, wrapped in your arms -- and then waking up in the morning to find that you were no longer there with me.

Of course, a part of me knew that you were there in the Hub somewhere, and that you'd only left on a temporary basis. That even if you were gone from the building, it was only because you'd been called away for something important, and that you would return.

There were so many days of sleeping in, staying in bed and making love throughout the day, that it was a bit of a bother when you were called away unexpectedly. But I suppose that I should have expected that -- given where we were, and the work you were doing.

When we went out into space together for that brief time before you left me to return to Torchwood, I never could quite shake the feeling that the same thing would happen. That I would awake to find the space beside me empty, and our bed cold.

I became so used to sleeping and waking at odd intervals when you were there with me, to make sure that you were still there and hadn't left during the night, that I kept doing it after you had left. Old habits die hard. That saying is so true.

It took me a long time to get over doing that. And once I did, I swore that I would never let anyone else affect me in that way. What I didn't realise at the time I made that promise to myself was that it more or less meant not letting anyone else into my heart -- or into my bed.

Is it silly to admit that I haven't had a physical relationship with anyone since we parted? There have been a few one-night stands, of course. But I've essentially been alone -- I hate to admit it, but there it is. Yes, Jack, you affected me that much.

I'm sure that you've been through a few dozen partners since then, but I'm not going to hold that against you. I may feel a bit resentful, but I know that they're in the past. It's simply your nature not to hold on to a relationship that you feel is over and done with.

The fact that you came back to me of your own accord, your own free will, says volumes to me. I don't need any other proof of what we mean to each other than that; knowing that you weren't coerced into coming back, and that you actually wanted to, means the world to me.

Now, I don't have to worry about waking up in a cold bed. I don't feel that I have to sleep fitfully, waking up at odd hours of the night and turning over to make sure that you're still there in bed beside me, and that I'm not alone yet again.

Sleeping and waking like that is a rather easy pattern to fall into -- and a hard one to break. I'm sure you might have noticed me doing that the first few nights we were together. I'm surprised that you didn't say anything about it then, but I'm glad you didn't.

I wouldn't have known how to answer your questions if you had. I still feel strange talking about it now, laying my emotions bare like this. It's new for us, isn't it? When we were first involved, there was so much that we held back from each other for so long.

I never knew that you really loved me until after you'd left and then came back. We wasted so much time, Jack. Time that we should have been together, sharing our lives, instead of going our separate ways -- only to find out that what we most needed was each other.

At least now I know that there won't be any more nights of sleeping erratically, waking with my hearts pounding and almost being afraid to turn and look at the bed beside me -- because you won't be there beside me and I'll be alone with my regrets.

Now, there will be mornings of sleeping in, of waking beside you, stretching and yawning and turning to see your face on the pillow. I'll be able to feel secure in getting up before you do, knowing that you'll sleep on in our bed and that you'll be there when I come back to it.

Yes, that sounds a little paranoid. But can you blame me? There were so many mornings when I woke alone, and felt that I didn't want to get out of bed because there was nothing that I really looked forward to. I suppose that's why I put myself in jeopardy so many times.

All that has changed now. I feel more secure, more .... I don't know the word for what I'm trying to say. More loved? More fulfilled? No words quite seem to fit. But I'm sure you know how I feel. You've always been able to understand me better than anyone else.

I don't think that I'll have that sleeping and waking in fits and starts problem again. It's one barrier that's managed to come down entirely since you've been back with me -- and I hope that all the other will eventually come tumbling down along with it.

Always your

Doctor

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