Title: Five Times Captain Jack Harkness Was Surprised
By: marag
Pairing: gen
Note: Torchwood/Firefly/Babylon 5/Discworld Novels/ Stargate SG-1/Harry Potter crossover
Genre:Crossover, crack, humor
Rating: G
Summary: Travel as long as Jack does and eventually something will surprise you, okay?
Notes: For leyenn's fandom_stocking. You say go wild, I think Jack Harkness...

***

1.

The two men, one dark-haired and bearded, the other dark-skinned, had their arms around each other in an unmistakable way. And if Jack had the slightest bit of shame, he'd get the hell out of the out-of-the-way corridor on this Earth space station before they noticed him.

Unfortunately, Captain Jack Harkness and shame barely fit in the same sentence together. He wolf-whistled. "Very nice."

The men jumped apart like they'd been hit by an electric shock and before Jack could react, the bearded man had him backed up against a wall, a staff that he could swear hadn't been there a moment ago against his throat.

Jack sighed. "Welcome to Babylon 5," he said. "You'd think I'd know how to avoid Rangers by now."

* * * * *

2.

The voice was...wrong. In an indefinable sort of way.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE SO EAGER TO SEE ME, the voice said, seeming to echo through the darkish mist.

Jack blinked. And blinked again. "Uh...sorry?"

DON'T WORRY. WE'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER.

"What?"

The cowled figure managed to sigh without having either lungs or breath. NEVER MIND. YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

* * * * *

3.

With all of the alarms blaring and the nasty space vampires on their way, Jack was expecting the two guns pointed at him and the suspicious expressions. Holding his hands carefully away from his blaster, he smiled. "Hi. I think I can help fix the shielding if you'll let me."

Jack was figuring it would take them until practically the nick of time to make the decision and he was braced for the last-minute rush.

Then a head popped up from inside the console. "What do you know about multiphasic shielding?" a scowling man demanded.

"Built it in my cradle," Jack said cheerfully.

"Rodney..." one of the men with guns said.

"Yes yes," Rodney said, flapping a hand in obvious dismissal. "Because he's obviously more dangerous than the *approaching Wraith vessel.*"

"I promise, I don't want to be eaten any more than you do," Jack said, not bothering to mention the fact that he could leave at any time.

"Then come over here and start rewiring the other section of this console or we're all going to end up hors d'oeuvres." Rodney ducked back under the console.

Jack blinked. This wasn't exactly how these things usually went.

"Are you an idiot?" Rodney's voice called from under the console. "If you're going to help, you'd better get started *now*."

With a shrug, the man with the gun who'd spoken waved him over to the shielding controls. "Might as well do what he says or he'll yell louder."

Jack shook his head. Sometimes people were just *weird*.

* * * * *

4.

"Magic?" Jack said for the fifth time.

"Yes, magic," the red-haired girl said again, giving him a look that implied that he had approximately the brain of a Rigellian sea slug.

Sitting down on the nearest rock, Jack looked at the three kids in robes carrying sticks. "I've *got* to stop hitting the randomizer button."

* * * * *

5.

Jack stood at the base of the ramp, feeling the eyes of several crewmembers on him as he negotiated with the captain of the ship. He had a feeling he was on trial in more ways than one, but out here on the fringe, everybody was wary and nearly everyone was running from *something*.

He wished wistfully for his wristband, and if he was going to get it back, he was going to have to convince this ship--or one with as good a reputation for getting you there no matter what--to take him on.

"We don't got a lotta room for passengers," Captain Reynolds said.

"I can pull my weight," Jack said, trying to avoid looking at the captain's very very nice ass. "I can help with cargo and I'm pretty good at fixing all kinds of things."

"You really need to get to Sundown." It wasn't a question.

"I do." Jack had been trying to decide whether he was better off showing his desperation or playing hard to get. Something about Reynolds made up his mind. "I believe that an important possession of mine is currently being held there. If I don't get it back...I won't be able to go home."

Reynolds looked skeptical, but whirled at the sound of footsteps on the ramp. "River, get back in the ship."

The slender young woman ignored the captain, gliding down the ramp toward Jack, who took one look at the way she moved and stayed absolutely positively still. He'd only seen a few people who looked like that and they were all deadlier than a snake.

"River--"

"He's important but he doesn't know it," she said, standing in front of Jack and peering up at him with a fey expression.

Jack's eyebrows shot up. "Me?"

"Destiny. A smell of history. It's coming soon."

Jack opened his mouth and then closed it again. He had no idea how to respond to that.

Reynolds looked at both of them, his mouth twisting in annoyance before he finally spit out a question. "Is it safe to take him on?"

"Yes," River said without hesitating. "He's not a bad man any longer." She stared into Jack's eyes and it felt like she could see everything he'd ever done. He could hardly breathe from the pressure. "Well, mostly not."

The disappointment in her voice was so strong, Jack felt like he should be apologizing. In a strangled voice, he managed, "I swear I mean no harm to your crew or your allies."

River reached up and touched his cheek gently and he shivered, knowing what she could do to him if she wanted. "Time is all tangled around you, like a web, trapping, holding. But you're not caught unless you want to be."

She couldn't...Jack nodded once, even if he didn't entirely understand. And he resolved that when he got his wristband back, he was going to take on something nice and simple. Maybe London, World War II. Someplace with no telepaths.

***