Title: Secret Weapon
By: Jessie Blackwood
Pairing: Javk/Ianto
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: If you recognise it I don’t own it.
Summary: No idea of the timeline, some time in season 1, humorous fluff one-shot.

“What the hell is this?” Ianto looked at the clipboard the driver presented to him.

“A sofa, in the name of Harkness” he said “if you’ll just sign there”

“Well, where is it?” Ianto asked.

“Just outside Sir”

“Has it arrived?” Jack bounded out the ‘secret’ door to the rest of the Torchwood complex and grabbed the clipboard, scribbling his name at the bottom. He followed the delivery driver out and Ianto followed, dubiously. Outside the weather looked distinctly grey and forbidding. A plastic wrapped sofa (yes, it really was a sofa, even though it was only a small two seater) sat on the pavement.

“Just how are we going to get that in Sir?” he asked reasonably.

“Go give Owen a shout, will you?”

In the end it had to be carried to the invisible lift and was brought down balanced on one of its arms. Ianto was glad the weather was so horrible, it had kept people at home. There was no one to see three men and a sofa disappear from view in front of the fountain. Even so it was a squeeze in the lift with the thing. Then they had to carry it back up to Jack’s office. Owen, true to form, complained all the way.

“What the hell is it for anyway?” he asked “Its not like you have no seats”

“Aha, its my secret weapon Owen” Jack grinned, tugging off the plastic, then he shrugged “It was just an idea I had in case anybody ever has to stay over”

“Since when has anyone had to do that?” Owen asked “You’re always here. Besides we’ve got the old one downstairs…”

Jack opened his mouth to reply but the alarm chose that moment to go off. Then there was no more time to admire his new acquisition.

The bad weather had deteriorated quickly, so in no time a storm had swept in to cloak Cardiff with rain. It was a bad one, the vindictive wind hurling a mixture of rain and sleet across the city with spiteful force. The sky had darkened prematurely and the storm showed signs of getting worse before it got better.

“Doesn’t it worry you that we’re below sea level?” Gwen commented as Jack threw on his coat and descended the stairs from his office two at a time.

“No, I never think about it” he admitted, turning to his team, who were hurrying to the gate. Owen shouldered his bag and Ianto brought up the rear (Jack quite liked that phrase). “Tosh!” Jack called “I think you’d better stay behind, we need someone to monitor the weather as well as the target, otherwise we could run into trouble”

“Right Jack” Tosh went back to her work station and flicked switches, bringing up the latest weather reports “Its coming up from the South West, wind speeds in excess of 80 miles an hour, 90 in places, rain, sleet, its getting worse according to the met reports. There’s flood warnings coming in, sea state is 6, very rough. Take the A4232 onto the 4055, then take the first left off the roundabout and head into Penarth, you’re heading for the beach, the Esplanade, Penarth Pier. That’s the closest you’re going to get”

“Right, let’s go People” and they were out the door and running for the SUV.

Five minutes into the journey and there was already trouble.

“Jack!” Tosh over the radio “Take the next right, you’ve a tree down 200metres ahead of you”

“Got it” he hauled the vehicle around the next corner.

“Next left and keep going for about a mile, you’ll be just about there”

“Right. Is this thing showing any sign of abating?”

“No, its heading North East but only slowly”

“Just keep tracking”

The Hub systems had picked up unusual anomalies off the coast at Penarth. Something had come down but what it was remained to be seen. What a day for a storm of this magnitude, unless the two were somehow linked. Jack concentrated on driving, the others stayed unusually quiet. Whether they were letting him concentrate or they were affected by the ferocity of the weather or they were just plain terrified of his driving remained to be seen. The SUV rocked to a halt outside the Pier head. The building was all locked and barred, its gate padlocked shut and its shutters closed. It was plain that they were in for a soaking. Jack shrugged and reached for the door release “Better get it over with, we’ll do no good just sitting here. Tosh? What are we looking for?” Jack radioed in.

“It’s a rugby ball!” Tosh said urgently as they all piled out into the driving rain.

“Bloody Welsh” Owen muttered “We’re out in the mother of all storms on a Welsh beach hunting a rugby ball?!”

“Its shaped like a two metre rugby ball, looks to have partial light reflecting surface, it should be near invisible but Coastguard CCTV picked it up coming in low over Penarth Pier. I think its malfunctioning”

“Great” Jack muttered “Tosh, where did it land, do we know?”

“Hang on, extrapolating data from the camera angles onto satellite images….” there was a pause as some keys were pressed “there, if this is correct it should have hit the beach area somewhere about 200 to 250 metres from your present position, back up the beach to the north east. I can’t be sure but it could have come down anywhere inside a 500 meter square. It might well have driven itself under the sand coming in at that speed”

“Damn” Jack threw the keys to Owen “turn the car round, drive back along and start looking, Ianto and I will take the beach. Gwen, cross the road and start looking over hedges, in the trees, got it?” and he was off at a run, Ianto in tow. Owen ran for the car, turned it round with a screech of tires and sped off past them. The two men took the beach steps as Gwen crossed the road. The driving rain had soaked them in minutes, making it almost impossible to see. Owen couldn’t take the SUV far before the road turned up the hill away from the beach. He parked and went to join Gwen. She was trying to survey the facades of the flats nearby in case it had crashed into them but there was nothing to see. The wind whipped her hair into her eyes and her waterproof was no protection against the rain.

Jack and Ianto surveyed the beach, the rain-lashed sand spitting up into their faces. Ianto turned away from the shore and studied the approach from the sea. He grabbed Jack’s arm “There, see? Is that the track?” Jack spun round, following the darker line in the beach sand back up towards the shore. Then, as a flash of lightning lit up the sky, he caught the reflective flash from the body of the pod. Then he was off and running, with Ianto on his heels. Suddenly Gwen’s earpiece flared into life and Jack’s voice came over “The beach, come down to the beach, we’ve got it!”

Ploughed into the sand, nose first (at least Owen thought it must be nose first, although it was symmetrical so it was hard to judge) lay a shiny rugby ball, about 2.5m long as Tosh had described it. It was steaming, its surface shedding rain and light, making it almost invisible. If it hadn’t been for the drag mark across the beach they would not have seen it.

“Good job Ianto” Jack praised “Well spotted”

“What is it?” Gwen had to speak into her microphone to be heard.

“Escape pod” Jack said “looks like…”

“I don’t suppose you’d like to tell us how you know that?” Ianto said.

“I’ve been around” came the dry reply.

“Jack, we need to get it out of here” Owen yelled “This storm is not getting any better and I’m no surfer but those waves are rather too fucking high for comfort” and as if to back him up, Tosh’s urgent voice came over the com link again.

“Jack, can you hear me? Damn it, we’re having electrical problems here! Are you still there?!”

“Tosh, yes, we’re still here, what gives?”

“Have you found it? Because if you haven’t, you’d better get out of there now! You’ve got a tsunami heading for the beach! This has got to be something to do with rift activity! Do you hear me, get off the beach, now!”

“Got it Tosh. We hear you” Jack looked at the pod “Its built to withstand anything, we’re not. Get back to the car! Tosh?” he called as he ran.

“Yes, Jack?”

“We can’t move this thing, can you track it if it gets swept away?”

“Yes, I should be able to”

“Good, then do it”

The dash back across the wet sand was more like a scramble and they barely made it to the SUV. Owen gunned the engine and drove crazily up the road away from the beach just as the wave hit, driving sand and mud and debris into the flats on the other side. Windows shattered, car alarms went off, cars were swept away, as the tsunami wreaked havoc on the sea front. The pod, however, had disappeared, gone, swept away in the backwash. Blue lights were heading their way and they pulled over to let them pass, all of them breathing hard at their timely escape. Tosh had obviously alerted the emergency services. Jack clapped a hand on Owen’s shoulder and squeezed “Nice driving” he muttered “Now let’s get back and find out what happened. Tosh? Did you get it?”

“Its being sucked out to sea, you’ll need a diving team to retrieve it now. Its sending out a very weak distress signal and it has a radio signature I can track so we won’t lose it”

Jack sighed “Then we’ll need UNIT’s help” he hated that, because it meant a fight to keep the thing if UNIT was involved.

They were all soaked and, despite the car’s heater, they were shivering by the time they got back inside the hub. Ianto excused himself and went to put the coffee machine on, everyone else went to change. Jack stripped off in his office, towelled himself dry and pulled on dry clothes, then picked up the phone. He spent the next ten minutes talking to one of the UNIT commanders and arranged for the thing to be picked up as soon as the storm broke and it was safe to take a boat out. He was putting the phone down just as Ianto arrived with steaming mugs of coffee on a tray.

“Ianto, you’re still wet!” Jack was concerned.

“I know, coffee was urgent” he said with a weak smile. “I’ll have to go home, not got any dry clothes here I’m afraid”

“Damn it Yan, get your things off” Jack ordered. The tray in Ianto’s hands was beginning to rattle. Jack retrieved it and put it on his desk.

“Here?” Ianto was panicked.

“Yes, here” Jack grabbed the towel.

Ianto’s hands were shaking so much he had difficulty getting his tie undone and Jack undid it for him. In the end Jack had to undress him completely, wrapping the towel round his hips and throwing another over his head. He called the others to come get their coffee, then made Ianto drink some. Then he forced a protesting Ianto onto the chair and proceeded to towel him dry, vigorously rubbing his hair. The others filed in, gratefully taking their coffee and perching on various surfaces, tactfully ignoring the fact that Jack was occupied. Gwen had pulled on a long rollneck jumper which came down almost to her knees, the bare legs getting an approving look from Jack and Owen both. Owen had changed into a t-shirt and old jeans. Despite their presence, and the fact that he was half-naked, Ianto submitted to Jack’s ministrations gratefully.

“What’s wrong with our Tea Boy then?” Owen asked.

“Nearly hypothermic because he made us coffee before getting dried off” Jack said, ruffling Ianto’s hair.

“Silly boy” Owen said “good coffee though”

“Looking after us before himself” Gwen said “He’s a Sweetheart”

“No bother” Ianto smiled. It was worth it to be in Jack’s hands again. “So what’s happened to the pod?”

“UNIT will send a retrieval team when the storm dies out, so Tosh, keep monitoring that pod and let UNIT know where it ends up when this weather front leaves”

“Will do” she left, nursing her cup.

“Gwen, Owen, nothing more to be done here, I suggest you get some rest, though if I were you, after that little display, I might wait here until the storm dies down before trying to leave…” grinning, they departed the office. Once they had gone, Jack turned to Ianto and grinned “Let me show you my secret weapon” he said and, leaning down, he grabbed the front of his new sofa and pulled. The base unfolded neatly into a bed. Opening a cupboard, he retrieved two pillows and a large duvet and threw them onto the bed, arranging them to his satisfaction, then looked meaningfully at Ianto whose eyes were wide “So that’s what you meant about if we needed to stay over”

“Get in” Jack ordered.

“What? Now?”

“Yes. Are you going to get in or must I throw you in?”

Ianto got shakily to his feet and took an unsteady step towards the bed. Jack’s hand caught him under the elbow and guided him down, neatly divesting him of his towels along the way. When Ianto was beneath the covers, Jack pressed a button on a control pad on his desk. The door lock clicked, sealing them in. Another button polarised the windows for privacy and a third dimmed the lights. Jack then shed his clothes and slid in next to Ianto, the heat from his body dispelling the cold in Ianto’s bones.

“There now, let’s get you warm” he said, gathering him close. Ianto closed his eyes. This felt so good. Jack’s breath huffed against his ear. Drowsily, Ianto realised Jack had spoken “What? Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said, I know a good way to warm up” Jack’s hands were roaming as he spoke, travelling along Ianto’s ribs, stroking his neck and shoulders. Ianto moaned softly with the pleasure of it. He felt Jack’s lips soft against his throat, kissing gently. Heat travelled along his spine, across his flesh. Jack nuzzled his neck, rose a little above him, shifted position, kissed his chest, moved south. He did all the work, wouldn’t let Ianto move. His caressing hands were warm, his mouth hot, and when Ianto finally lost control, the shuddering was not caused by the cold. Chuckling, Jack positioned himself beside Ianto and held him, snuggling against his now much warmer body.

“Can’t have our Chief Escape Pod Finder suffering from hypothermia now, can we?” he said softly. Ianto laughed and buried his face in Jack’s shoulder, wearily succumbing to sleep, encircled by Jack’s protective embrace. The sofa bed had been well and truly christened.