Title: When We Started
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 3
Prompt: 44, Anonymous
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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Dearest Ianto,

Once again, I'm having to leave a letter with you in my place. I didn't want to be called away, but you know that there are times when I can't be with you, no matter how much I want to be. I do have responsibilities, and when someone in need reaches out to me, I have no choice but to try to help them. It's part of who I am.

I would have brought you along, but you have your own set of responsibilities that it's difficult for you to leave behind. I don't expect you to abandon everything in your life to go running along with me -- and what's more, Jack would be rather disappointed in you if that were to happen.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. You would rather be with me than stay at home and work with Torchwood. I feel the same way -- I would rather have you here with me than leave you behind on Earth, in your own time. But for the moment, this is the way things have to be. I only hope that you can bear with me and be patient.

It gets harder and harder to leave you each time I have to go, and I count the hours, the minutes, even the seconds, until I'll be back at your side. But this is something I have to do, Ianto, you know that. I hope that you never end up resenting me for it -- though I wouldn't blame you if you did. It can't be easy for you to have an absentee lover a great deal of the time.

But it won't be like this forever. I've told you that many times, I know, and it probably seems as though it will never change. It will, I promise you. I know that eventually there'll come time when I can't make myself leave you behind -- and I'll probably drag you onto the Tardis with me.

I can't do that yet. I'm not ready to expose you to any danger -- I've done that before, and I've bitterly regretted it each time. I've been lucky that you haven't been hurt badly; I could never forgive myself if you were. I know that you would find it in your heart to forgive me, or not to blame me in the first place. But I wouldn't be able to avoid blaming myself.

In a way, doesn't that mean that I'm protecting myself more than I'm protecting you? I don't want to think that; I want to see myself as keeping you out of danger for your own good. But really, it's just as much for my peace of mind. That's probably very selfish of me, but I believe that all acts are selfish in many ways, even if they're not outwardly so.

Though I can't honestly say that about those first anonymous notes and roses you sent to me. That was one of the few things I've had directed at me in my long, long life that's seemed completely sincere -- even though it was a bit disconcerting to think that I was an object of affection.

All right, so maybe it was selfish, in a way -- you wanted me, and that was the best way you could think of to let me know. At first, I didn't know -- I had such a terrible time of it, wondering who was sending these notes and flowers, and what they wanted from me! But now, I have to smile whenever I think of those actions. Such a sweet, romantic gesture.

And so like you. Sweet, loving, romantic .... I could go on and on with describing your virtues, and all the things that made me fall in love with you. But I'll hold back on that, as I know it's only going to make you feel embarrassed. I can picture you reading these words now, blushing and hiding your face as though you don't believe anything you're reading.

I'd never been approached in that way anonymously before. I suppose that has a lot to do with the fact of who -- and what -- I am; I'm not in one place long enough to develop a real relationship with anyone, and I've always been comfortable to keep things at that impersonal level. But that was before I met you -- and before I knew that you were my soul mate.

People have always been very upfront and forward about what they wanted from me -- at least in that way. And they've never wanted to be there for me in the way that you do -- forever, with no questions asked. It's humbling to have that kind of devotion laid at my feet.

That's one of the many reason that I still feel guilty for leaving you behind like this. You know that I don't want to, Ianto. I'd rather have you here at my side than anywhere else in the world; I feel a little lost when you aren't here with me. Incomplete, in so many ways. I feel as though a part of myself is missing, a part that I desperately need.

I don't like to say that I feel incomplete; that only makes me sound as though I'm not capable of existing in a world without my other half. Of course I am -- I've done it for centuries, long before I even had an inkling that you existed, in any time or any world. But now that I know you're there, and now that you're a part of me, it's hard to imagine myself without you.

Not only hard -- it's impossible. You've entwined yourself so completely into my life and my soul that we've become inseparable. Even now, when I'm galaxies away from you, I can still feel your touch on my body, hear your voice whispering in my ear.

The nights that I spend alone on the Tardis are almost unbearable; I can't help thinking of how it feels to fall asleep in your arms, to wake in the morning next to you. You've taken away the utter loneliness I've always felt, but now, knowing that I have to be away from you, however unwillingly, that loneliness only seems magnified.

I've always been lonely -- it's something that I thought I'd gotten used to in all the years I've existed on my own. Even when I had companions with me, that loneliness was always there, and I never knew why. Now I know that it was there because I hadn't found my soul mate yet, that other part of me that would fit in with all the other pieces to complete the puzzle.

And now that I have found you, it seems cruel for circumstances to keep us apart as much as they do. But that will change, Ianto. It has to. I can't keep leaving and returning, putting us both through these separations. You belong by my side, here with me. Danger or not, I can't be without you. Not any longer.

It's strange to think that it all started with those anonymous notes, isn't it? So much has happened since then, so much that neither of us could ever have dreamed of. But I wouldn't change it, not for any reason. Not a single moment that we've shared.

I can see time, stretching ahead of us, far into the future -- and far back into the past behind us. I can't see exactly what's going to happen -- interfering in timelines is strictly forbidden to a Time Lord, as I've told you before. Whatever might happen to us in the future isn't known to me. But I do know this -- whatever our future holds, we'll meet it together.

I'll be back with you soon, Ianto. And from there, we can start to build that future together, one small step at a time.

Your

Doctor

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