Title: Another Brick in the Wall
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Table: writers_choice
Prompt: 385, Closed
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Aaron Hotchner or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Hotch leaned back in his chair, raising a hand to his head and closing his eyes. He was glad that he'd pulled the blinds on the windows of his office; he didn't want any of the team glancing up and seeing him with his hand to his head, as though he was in pain.

Especially Spencer.

He didn't want his boyfriend worrying about him, not while they were working. He couldn't hide his fatigue from Spencer when they were alone at home, but here in the office, he not only had to hide that, but he also had to struggle to keep their personal relationship a secret.

The rest of the team knew; he was sure of it. But at least they were discreet enough not to say anything; they wouldn't even give out hints, for fear that Strauss might use that relationship to achieve the objective she'd had for so long of ousting Hotch from the BAU.

He'd been drawing further away from his team since the situation with Foyet had started; he wasn't going to deny that. Spencer was the only person who'd been able to get close to him, and even then, he'd kept his young lover at arm's length.

Was he using all of this as an excuse to be even more guarded and distant than he normally was? That was a question he'd been asking himself more and more lately -- and the answer that he came up with was invariably "yes."

He'd allowed himself to become closed off when all this had begun; it was the only defense that he had against people caring about him too much. He couldn't let his emotions show -- that would have been too obvious a sign of personal weakness.

How much had he lost since this had begun? he asked himself, feeling tears well up behind his eyes. He had lost contact with his son, one of the most precious parts of his life; he'd lost a physical part of himself to Foyet that he'd intended to give to Spencer.

Spencer.

His lover had been the only constant in his life, other than his work. Spencer had promised to be there by his side every step of the way. Aaron had been skeptical of anyone's ability to do that; Spencer had not only made that promise, but kept it faithfully.

Spencer was the only person who had managed to break through that wall of reserve that he'd spent so much time and energy building up around himself. And there were times when it felt like a supreme effort to let even Spencer breach that wall.

Every day was another brick in the wall, another step back from the people around him. He struggled to keep his personal life out of his job, to keep himself from crumbling a little bit at a time, to not look back and only think of the future.

He built that wall painstakingly, brick by brick, fitting each one carefully into place and making sure that the wall would stay in place. But Spencer methodically managed to tear down that wall and break through those bricks, no matter how strong he thought his protections were.

He'd given up trying to protect himself from Spencer. He couldn't. He'd been distant about his job with Haley, and that had cost him his marriage. He wasn't going to make the same mistake with anyone else. He had a second chance at love, and he wouldn't blow this one.

That wall he'd built up around himself had locked out not only his former wife, but his son as well. Jack had been the center of his universe ever since he'd been born -- but he hadn't done a very good job of showing that. And now ....

Hotch fought back the tears that welled behind his eyes, taking a deep breath and staring up at the ceiling until the urge to sob aloud passed. Now, he had no contact with his child. Not until Foyet was caught and brought to justice. It had to be this way.

But that knowledge didn't make it any easier for him to bear.

And it didn't make it any harder to stop placing a new brick in that wall every day, building up a defense against his own emotions. He knew all too well what could happen if he let himself go, if he showed any sigh of weakness outside the walls of his own home.

He'd asked Spencer to move in with him -- one of the few steps he'd taken towards knocking down part of that wall himself. But every day, he was placing more bricks into that wall, trying to keep the world out of his life even as he was letting Spencer in.

He saw enough of the world in his job. He didn't want it to come into his personal life. He wanted to keep it at bay, to have a part of his existence that was shared only with Spencer. He didn't want the world -- or anyone in it -- to intrude on what they shared.

If they did, then he might lose Spencer in the same way that he'd lost Haley. He wasn't going to let that happen again; now that he had found love with someone who understood the demons that drove him and what his work meant to him, he was going to hold on with all his strength.

Glancing up at the windows of his office, he allowed himself a small, wry smile. The blinds being down were just another brick in the wall of his isolation, another way of putting distance between himself and the rest of the team.

He trusted these people with his life -- and yet he couldn't let them get too close.

Except Spencer.

Spencer was the exception to every rule, wasn't he? He was the one person who could be let in all the way, the one person who he could trust with his heart and soul. The one person who could break though any wall he built up, no matter how high and strong it was.

Closing his eyes, he rested his head in his hands, wishing with all his heart that things could be different. That he could stop placing bricks in that wall, knock it down for good. That he could be closer to all the people he cared about -- not just the one he cared for the most.

A knock on the office door made his head jerk up, his eyes widening for a moment. Who could that be? Was it Morgan, coming to tell him that there was a new case requiring his attention? Garcia, making up some excuse to check on his well-being?

"Come in," he called softly, his voice husky with disuse. He cleared his throat, sitting back and schooling his features into what he hoped was a calm, composed expression. Whoever it was, he would assure them that he was fine, then he would go back to work.

To his surprise, it was Spencer who opened the door and entered the office. He couldn't speak for a few moments; all he could do was stare at Spencer, his eyes taking in the man who stood there in the doorway, looking awkward and slightly ill-at-ease.

The wall was crumbling. The bricks were loosening, falling to the ground.

All Spencer had to do was look at him with those big dark eyes, smile at him, and the wall dissolved as if it had never existed. There was no wall between himself and Spencer. No matter how much he might want to hide from the world sometimes, he could never hide from this man.

"Hey," Spencer said softly, his gaze meeting Aaron's. "JJ has a case she wants you to look at. It might be something we'll have to take on. From what she's already said, it seems pretty interesting. You want to take a look at it?"

"Of course." Hotch got to his feet, pushing back his chair and stepping out from behind the desk. He had a moment's mad impulse to stride to the door, take Spencer in his arms, and press a kiss to those slightly parted lips, an impulse that was hard to deny.

But he had to. That was a brick that had to remain firmly entrenched in the wall, a brick that couldn't be removed, at least here at work. It didn't matter if the rest of the team might know about them; they couldn't risk letting their relationship be publicly obvious.

Spencer smiled and held out his hand; Hotch took it for just a second, twining their fingers together and squeezing gently. After a moment, he dropped Spencer's hand, turning to the window of his office and raising the blinds.

It almost felt as though light and warmth were pouring into the office, focusing on him. Was that how the rest of his team felt about him? He could feel the bricks loosening even further, the wall threatening to crumble to the ground, leaving him defenseless.

Squaring his shoulders, he forced himself to hold the wall firm; another brick was carefully placed there, shoring it up and holding it steady. That wall might have to come down someday, but this was neither the time nor the place for that to happen.

One day, there would be no more bricks added to that wall.

One day. But for now, he had to keep adding to it, had to keep himself hidden behind the only protection he knew. There was only one person who could slip behind those bricks, who could see him at his most vulnerable and be allowed into his heart.

He walked out of his office with that wall firmly in place.

***