Title: Buried Alive By Love
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Table: writers_choice
Prompt: #399, Contact
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Aaron Hotchner or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Hotch stood in the bathroom, leaning over the sink, clutching the sides of the counter as though it was the only thing keeping him upright. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying to control his breathing, pushing all thoughts to the back of his mind.

The only thought he wanted to concentrate on was that he was all right. Foyet was dead; he wasn't coming back. There would be no more attacks; no one would pin him down, thrust a knife into his flesh, twisting it until he screamed.

Only it wasn't the knife that had made him scream, was it? a voice in the back of his mind asked. It was a different kind of knife that had caused the most pain, one that should be used for giving pleasure, but instead had been turned into a violator.

He couldn't erase the memory of those hands on his body, of Foyet thrusting into him, the pain that had ripped through him. That pain had been worse than any caused by the stab wounds; it had been the pain of violation, much more than physical.

Foyet had known that; he'd wanted him to feel the helplessness of a victim. He had achieved that goal in more ways than he could have ever dreamed, Hotch thought wearily, his shoulders slumping. Ever since the attack, that feeling had been growing.

It had stopped briefly when Spencer had moved in; somehow, having his boyfriend here in the house with him, knowing that his lover was near, had staved off that helplessness and made him feel stronger, more capable. But he'd known that wouldn't last forever.

Raising his head, Hotch slowly opened his eyes and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He looked terrible; his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked as pale as a ghost; when he raised one hand, it was trembling uncontrollably.

He needed Spencer. He needed the simple human contact of having his boyfriend near; not just in the house, but here beside him. He needed to be in Spencer's arms, needed to be held and loved, to feel that he had firm, solid ground to stand on.

Everything else was falling apart around him -- but he still had his relationship with Spencer. That was strong and solid; it was the one aspect of his life where he could feel confident. the one place where he felt completely safe and protected.

Even his job didn't offer him that security any more. After all, it was through his job that Foyet had been able to target him and to wreak such havoc with his life; if it hadn't been for his job, his former wife might still be alive, and he himself would still be .... whole.

There was piece of him missing, a piece that Foyet had stolen and that he would never get back. It was a part of himself that he should have been able to give freely, to offer up to someone he loved -- not have it taken from him by a vindictive psychopath.

But that was water under the bridge now, he thought dully, pushing himself away from the sink and swaying a little as he stood in the middle of the bathroom floor. He had to learn to live with what had been done to him; he couldn't let it color the rest of his life.

Foyet had already done enough damage. He couldn't let that monster destroy the life that he was trying to build with Spencer; that bastard had already taken enough from him. There was too much at stake now, not only in his own future, but his lover's as well.

He couldn't stand here alone for one more moment, Aaron told himself, glancing at the mirror again and looking away just as quickly. He needed human contact. He needed to be in Spencer's arms, to know that his boyfriend was here with him, that he wasn't dealing with this by himself.

Feeling weak and disoriented, Aaron grabbed the doorknob, opening the bathroom door and moving out into the hallway. For a moment, he had to think, trying to remember which way he had to turn to go into his bedroom so that he could lie down.

The only thing that he could see in his mind's eye was Foyet leaning over him, the smirk on that monster's face, the insinuating words that had been whispered into his ear. He could remember the pain as he was stabbed -- and the still worse pain when Foyet entered him.

He closed his eyes tightly and shook his head, taking a few deep breaths. When he opened them again, his vision had cleared, and he felt less shaken. He moved slowly down the hallway to the bedroom, making his way across the room to the bed and sitting down on it.

This was the bed he shared every night with Spencer, he thought, running his hand over the neatly folded-down bedspread. They might not have made love in it yet, but this bed was the place where they would ultimately come together for the first time.

He needed the contact with Spencer, needed the stability that his young lover brought into his life. He'd never needed that stability more than at this point; Spencer was his rock in the middle of a life that seemed to shifting with the treacherous danger of quicksand.

If he put one foot wrong, he would sink into that quicksand -- and even Spencer might not be able to pull him out. Aaron's breath caught in his throat at the thought; he had to squeeze his eyes shut again to push that disturbing idea of out of his mind.

He didn't want to drag Spencer down into that endless bog with him. If he was going to let himself keep descending until he hit rock bottom, he had to let Spencer go. It wasn't fair to the young man to let him shoulder the burden of his lover's problems.

But if he let Spencer go, then he would have nothing to hold on to, no rock to keep him steady and help him try to avoid the minefield that he was so desperately trying to pick his way through. Without Spencer in his life, he would have nothing left.

He would still have his job, that was true, Aaron thought, sighing as he lay down on the bed and closed his eyes. But it was feeling more and more as though that job was a part of what was dragging him down, making him focus on the past rather than the future.

He needed the human contact that he received every day from going to work, being around people who he considered his friends, interacting with his team. But more than that, he needed the personal contact that he had with Spencer, needed the love that was offered to him so freely.

Without that rock to cling to, he might as well have died from Foyet's attack. Maybe a part of him had died, Aaron thought with another sigh, pulling one of the pillows against his chest and holding onto it. Maybe the part of him that could trust completely had been obliterated.

No, it wasn't dead, he told himself fiercely, his grip on the pillow tightening. It was merely buried; hidden away so deeply that he was having a hard time locating it and bringing it out into the open again. The only way he would be able to do that was by being with Spencer.

Foyet had used his love for his family against him before their last confrontation; that psychopath had already alienated him from the most important aspects of his life, and he'd almost allowed himself to be sucked under, buried alive by the love he had for his family and the life he led.

He was still clawing his way out from under the wreckage that Foyet had made of his life, tossing the detritus that had been left behind when that monster had ripped his life apart. But with Spencer's help, if he held on to the love that the two of them shared, he would finally escape.

Aaron took deep breaths, clutching the pillow tightly until he felt the panic that had been rising within him start to abate. He couldn't face Spencer with his emotions on edge like this; he needed to be calm when he talked to his boyfriend.

He had to explain to Spencer how he felt, he told himself firmly, sitting up and raising a hand to push his damp hair back from his face. He had to tell him how much he needed their contact, the simple exchange of love that bound them together.

Without that contact, he would slowly sink into the quicksand that Foyet had tried to mire him in. He needed Spencer in his life more than he'd ever needed anyone, needed his boyfriend to reassure him that he wouldn't be buried alive by the wreckage that still seemed to be falling on him.

Getting to his feet, he headed out of the bedroom in search of his lover, wondering just what he would say to Spencer once they sat down to talk. He would let his heart lead the way, Aaron decided, and hope that whatever it decided to say, he would hope that they'd be the right words.

***