Title: Life Changes
By: Sonia
Pairing: Reid/Hotch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When Reid suffers, Hotch suffers too. It changes them both in substantial ways.

von Goethe once said, "Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes.

Hotch was in the elevator, just arriving for the day's work when the car stopped on the 14th floor. A black woman, short and a little heavyset, stepped in. When she didn't push a floor button, Aaron looked at her carefully. He recognized her from having dealt with her, in the Personnel office, when Matthew was born.

"Hello, Mrs. Sanders. Remember me, Aaron Hotchner." He said as he offered his hand to the older woman.

Clearly pleased to see he remembered her, she smiled and shook his hand.

"Hello Agent Hotchner. How are you? More importantly, how's your big boy? Any pictures?"

He reached for his wallet and produced a picture of his infant son. As she cooed at the image of the bald little baby, he good-naturedly grumbled.

"I don't think I've slept through the night in four months." She handed back the picture and chuckled.

"That won't get any better anytime soon. My son is 17 and I don't sleep through the night either."

"Are you coming to see someone in the BAU?"

She sobered quickly. "I'm going to inform Special Agent Reid of a death in his family."

Upon hearing Reid's name a cold feeling rushed through Hotch's gut. His protective instincts red lined.

"Who died?" Since the choices were severely limited he pretty much knew the answer.

She opened the fuchsia colored folder and read "Joan Hylan. She was his next of kin. I'm supposed to tell him of her death and help him make arrangements if necessary. I'm also supposed to get another next of kin for our files."

Hotch couldn't let that happen. Reid's family life was an unholy mess and he would be blindsided by the news.

"Mrs. Sanders? May I ask a favor?"

"Call me Virginia. What do you need?" She responded.

"Could you let me handle this?"

"I don't know. I'm supposed to do it." She protested weakly.

"I'm his supervisor and we're close friends. It would be better coming from me, don't you think?" He could see in her face the willingness to turn over the ugly task. He hoped he could soften the blow.

As the elevator reached his floor she handed him the folder quietly. He took it and nodded.

"Thank you. I really appreciate it." She touched his arm and tilted her head slightly. She said softly, "If you can't do it or if you have trouble, call me. OK?"

She wouldn't be so concerned if she knew how many death notifications I've had handled over the last seventeen years, he thought grimly.

He got off the elevator and headed towards his team's area of the large open space they called the Bat Cave. Elle and Morgan were already sitting at their desks. They started to greet him when Derek spotted the folder in his hand.

"Hey Hotch; are we getting a new team mate or something?" He kidded as he pointed to the brightly colored folder in Hotch's hand.

"What?" Elle chirped as she looked between the two men.

"Only the personnel department uses those folders. What's up?" Morgan questioned again.

Hotch didn't respond to the jest. "Have either of you seen Reid yet?"

Morgan stood up from his chair and advanced towards Aaron. "Not yet. Is everything alright?"

"I'm afraid I have to tell him some bad news. Please send him to my office ASAP. Thank you." Hotch moved away before either agent could respond.

Morgan watched as Hotch walked to his office and closed the door behind him. He could tell by Hotch's body language this was not going to be good.

"What do you think happened?" Elle asked as she leaned on her desk.

He took a sip of his lukewarm coffee. "I have got no idea." He whispered.

"It couldn't be about his family. He doesn't have one." Elle stated.

Derek looked at Elle with a tight _expression. She was surprised to see a hint of anger in his brown eyes.

"What do you know about that?" Morgan questioned hotly.


"The same as you do. His mother is dead, he doesn't really know his father and he's an only child. What else is there to know?"

Noting that she had taken on a defensive tone, Derek backed off a bit. "Well, there's more to it than that but he should be the one to tell you."

"I wasn't fishing for information, Derek."

"I know. It's just that ...he's been through a lot. OK?" He said apologetically.

She agreed. "OK." They went about their work for the next few minutes when Reid finally arrived.

"Morning, everyone." He mumbled as he took off his ever-present shoulder bag and stowed it under his desk.

Morgan spoke to him first. "Hey, Doc. Hotch needs to see you in his office."

Reid's eyes shifted nervously. "Why?"

Elle shrugged. "We don't know but you better go in right now." As he moved towards Hotch's office, Reid missed the look of pained sympathy on Elle's face.

*******************************************************************

As he read the information in the file Hotch found himself thinking about the twist and turns his relationship with the brilliant young doctor had taken over the last year.

When Reid first joined the BAU three years ago he was so shy and awkward he could barely make eye contact with Hotch or anyone else for that matter. With encouragement and constant reassurance Reid had finally settled down. Even though he still isn't exactly brimming with confidence, he was much more self-assured than in the beginning. His professional life was not a problem anymore.

What Hotch couldn't understand was the lack of a personal life when it came to Reid. He had always thought of him as sweet, charming and surprisingly funny. Yes, he was uptight and a little odd sometimes but that was because his mind seemed to work at warp speed. When he relaxed, which was rare but it did happen, he was good company.

Hotch would sit down to chat for a few minutes only to find he was an hour late leaving for home.

Granted he wasn't a Men's Health cover boy but his beautifully sculpted face more than made up for that. His expressive eyes and his generous mouth were quite appealing. His long body, all angles and sharp corners reminded Hotch of a newborn colt. Not a bad package to look at, Hotch found himself thinking on more than one occasion.

When Reid's Hyundai was sidelined for repair Hotch volunteered to be his taxi service even though the trip took him several miles out of his way. He enjoyed listening to him go on about all manner of subjects while they battled the soul draining traffic up and down I-95 together. He was comfortable with the new level of intimacy between them. He didn't think any of the others would even notice let alone comment on it. Several weeks ago that idea came crashing down around him. Of course Gideon had noticed.

*********************************************************************

They were in the senior agent's cluttered office going over some reports, when Gideon asked him a simple question. Of course, there is no such thing as "a simple question" when it's coming from one of the best profilers in the country. With his head down and his reading glasses perched at the end of his nose, Gideon asked Hotch:

"You and Reid are spending a lot of time together lately. Is he in some sort of trouble?"

"Why do you ask? Has he said something to you?" Hotch responded.

"No. You just seem to be, I don't know, hovering a bit more than usual."

"He's a brilliant profiler but he's still just a kid, Jason. I'm just looking out for him so he doesn't get hurt."

Gideon huffed loudly. "Of course you are that's part of your job as his supervisor. If something happened to Reid I'd be heartbroken. He reminds me of Stephen sometimes."

Hotch nodded. He had always thought Gideon secretly wished his relationship with his son was as full of acceptance and understanding as the one he had with Reid.

"I guess I felt sort of sorry for him. He doesn't have many friends, which is a shame because he's a great guy. He's become a good friend. I like him."

Jason took off his glasses and gave Hotch a stern look. "I don't think it ends there for him. I think he's become infatuated with you."

Hotch chuckled. "Oh come on, Jason. That's ridiculous. Judging from by the way he looks at JJ, he's straight."

"That was months ago. He's a perfect candidate for a late bloomer. He's young; he's had a sheltered existence, he's inexperienced at relationships and he looks up to you. More importantly I think you know it's true and you like it."

Hotch could feel his blood rushing to his face and neck. He found this discussion very unsettling.

"You think I want to have an affair with Reid?!!" He said incredulously.

"Did I say that?" Jason shrugged as he replaced his glasses and look down at the papers in his hand.

"What are you saying then?" Aaron stated through gritted teeth.

His temper was showing but he didn't care. It has always been his biggest flaw. He normally kept it under lock and key but right then he was failing miserably. He started to feel almost feverish with anger as he waited for clarification from Gideon.

Hotch looked at his boss and saw nothing but that inscrutable mask he calls a face.

"I'm saying be careful with him. You could end up hurting him without even knowing it. Have you ever thought about what all this attention is doing to him?"

Gideon waited for an answer that never came. Hotch left the office without another word. He had to get out of there before he said something he'd regret. The white noise of confusion in his overloaded brain drowned out all conscious thought. He doesn't even remember going home that night.

He apologized the next day for his outburst but Gideon's interference had served its purpose. He had been forced to take a look at what was really going on between himself and Reid. Over the next few days Hotch took note of all the times Reid blushed or stammered when they were alone. It became obvious that Gideon was right. Reid had indeed developed a crush on his married male boss.

His first impulse was to back off and not spend so much time with the younger man. The more he thought about it, the more uncomfortable that idea made him. He couldn't just abandon him like that.

What had really changed between them anyway? Nothing really except that Reid had a crush on him and Hotch was aware of it. He knew that Hotch was happily married and nothing would ever happen between them. Their friendship had come to mean a great deal to Aaron. Why should he give that up? Aaron was determined to make sure that nothing was going to hurt Reid or Haley. He was perfectly capable of having a close friendship with Reid and being a faithful husband to his beautiful, trusting wife.

Of course he would have to ignore the tingle of attraction he had started to feel when he was around Reid. Hotch's bisexuality had been a problem he thought he had solved when he married Haley. He had talked himself out of reacting to a man before and he'd do it again. His relationship with Gideon had been fraught with sexual tension until he made it clear he wouldn't give in. He could do the same here. No problem.

After all it was perfectly natural to be attracted to someone you find special and interesting but that's were it ended. There is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking about him all the time.

Right?

He'd gotten into the habit recently of muttering "I'm so fucked" to himself when he thought about his present predicament. Hotch prided himself on being supremely self-aware but this time his feelings had slowly crept up on him like ivy covering a house.

He was in trouble and he knew it.

**********************************************************************

A knock at his door interrupted his reverie. Hotch snorted as he thought only Reid would knock on a glass door. He waved him in and steeled himself for the unpleasantness to come.

"Hi Hotch. You wanted to see me?" Reid said as he stood in the doorway.

"Please have a seat, Doc." Reid advanced into the room and sat in the chair closest to Hotch's desk. Once he was seated, Hotch said in a calm voice.

"I'm sorry to inform you that Joan Hylan died last night."

Reid's eyes grew wide. He swallowed loudly and drew in a deep breath. As the color drained from his face, Hotch thought he might pass out. He came around the desk and stood in front of his devastated friend. Reid looked up at the older man with tears in his large eyes, which he quickly tried to wipe away.

"My Aunt Joan? No, that can't be. I...I.... I talked to her a few days ago. She was fine."

Reid continued the losing battle with the now free flowing tears. Hotch grabbed the tissue box off his desk and held it out to Reid who took it. He then kneeled down by Reid's chair and put his arm around his slender shoulders. He squeezed him tightly as Reid brought his hands to his face and wept openly. Hotch pulled a tissue from the box and handed it to Reid who took it and blew his nose. Muffled by the tissue Hotch barely made out Reid's question.

"How did she....?" Reid croaked.

"She was found by a neighbor this morning when she didn't answer the phone. They're not sure of the cause yet." Hotch said in a hushed voice.

Reid leaned into Hotch's embrace a little more, putting an arm around Hotch's neck. Hotch immediately became intoxicated by their physical contact. He tried to imprint this moment in his memory. Reid's hair had fallen out from behind his ears and was loose around his face. Hotch ruthlessly restrained himself from pushing it back into place.

"I'm really sorry, Spencer."

"Oh God, no. No. Please. I ....Hâ€"hâ€"Hotch? She was all I had."

Aaron ached for the young man. He had never felt so helpless. He did the only thing he could think of. He lifted his head and grazed Reid's cheek with his lips. Hotch started to pull away slowly to try and get some physical distance when Reid reached for him. He clutched at Hotch's jacket lapel like a frightened child. Hotch looked into his glassy, unfocused eyes and became concerned. He touched Reid's hand and found it to be cold and clammy. His breathing was rapid and shallow. The distraught young man was slipping into shock. Hotch took both his hands and framed Reid's pale waxy face with them.

"Doc, you need to calm down. It's going to be OK. I'm here. It's alright. I need you to take a deep breath. Can you do that for me?" Reid didn't seem to hear him. If at all possible Reid had grown paler over the last few seconds. Hotch stood up, placed his hands on Reid's shoulders and shook him lightly.

In a loud voice he commanded, "Reid, calm down. Come on, baby, stay with me."

He surprised himself with the use of the endearment he let it go. He stroked Reid's hair and mumbled nonsense words to try and soothe him. Reid shut his eyes tightly and gulped air a few times. He then wrapped his arms around his own waist and folded in on himself.

Aaron was heartsick at the sight of the young doctor's overwhelming grief. He pulled over the other chair and sat down in front of him. He proceeded to rub Spencer's back and shoulders in little circles. He wanted to let him know he wasn't alone. Hotch looked up to see Gideon come through the door of his office with a stricken look on his face.

"What happened?" He asked as he moved towards Reid.

Hotch whispered "His aunt died."

Gideon huffed out a puff of air that sounded like he had been punched in the gut. He bent over and stroked the back of Reid's head.

"Oh my sweet boy." He said with a deep rumble.

Reid lifted his head, showing a face flushed with misery and sorrow. When he saw it was Gideon, he let out a sorrowful whimper and shakily held out his arms. Jason fully encircled him and lifted him up onto his feet. Reid leaned over, laid his head on the older man's shoulder and snuggled even closer. Gideon loosened his grip on Reid and gave him a long solid kiss on the forehead. He wiped at the boy's tears with his hands, looked him in the eye and gave him a quirky half grin. Reid immediately responded with a nod of his head and a watery heave of his chest. With a hand on the small of his back, Gideon guided a significantly calmer Reid out of the office. They had not exchanged a single word during the whole encounter.

A jolt of something Hotch would rather not identify ran through him at the easy physical intimacy between the two men. He felt as if something precious had just been taken from him. He was stunned to realize he had wanted to be the one to offer him that kind of comfort. He had wanted to be his hero. Gideon had robbed him of that chance and he hated him for it.

It took a few minutes for him to talk himself down from the irrational anger he was feeling. When he finally felt in control of his emotions he left the office and informed the others of Reid's loss. Gideon and Reid returned to their work area together after a few minutes. Reid's face was a bright rose color but the tears had stopped. His body trembled slightly as he walked slowly to his desk. Morgan approached him with his condolences, as did the rest of the team. Reid managed to nod his head and mumble his thanks to each of them. Hotch did his best to keep his face as neutral as possible. He couldn't let his personal feelings get in the way of what was best for Reid. Gideon caught his eye after a moment. Hotch's breath caught in his chest when he saw the sorrow in Gideon's eyes. He was hurting for Reid as much as Hotch was. His jealousy waned a bit.

Gideon pulled Hotch aside, out of earshot of the group. "I think he should take the rest of the day off and go home."

"He won't be able to concentrate right now anyway. One of us should go with him."

Gideon continued, "I've got a meeting in twenty minutes I can't skip. Morgan and Elle have that thing over at Bethesda Naval. So it's up to you to make sure he gets home safe."

"Of course." Confused by the last statement, Hotch started over to help Reid gather his things when Gideon stopped him.

"Aaron, he needs a friend. That's all he needs right now. Don't let things happen you'll regret." He said forcefully.

Hotch's mouth dropped open at the insinuation. He was so taken aback he couldn't even reply. As he moved over towards him, he and Reid locked eyes. Reid's bottom lip trembled with suppressed emotions and Hotch felt his knees give way. Now he understood Gideon's warning. With a sigh, Hotch thought to himself, this is going to be the longest 25-minute drive of his life.

****************************************************************************

The trip down to the underground garage was made in silence as he had expected. This was going to be one of the few times Reid wasn't going to be talkative. As he guided him to his car, Reid finally seemed to realize what was happening.

"I'm taking you home." Hotch stated firmly as he unlocked his car door with the remote. Reid didn't even make a show of protesting. He slid into the passenger seat and hooked up the seatbelt without a word. As they pulled out of the garage, Hotch turned on the radio out of habit. As always it was tuned to the local news station. A bombastic commercial for a used car dealership blared out of the tinny speakers of the government issued Explorer. Hotch noticed movement to his right and immediately thought Reid was crying again. He took a quick look at the doctor and saw that he was laughing.

"Um, Doc? You Ok?"

The laughter was brittle and strained but not hysterical.

"I'm good. It's just that Aunt Joan's fifth husband Lenny was a used car salesman. He owned a string of dealerships in the Vegas area. His commercials were almost exactly like that one."

Hotch smirked. "Fifth husband? How many did she have?"

"Her own or other women's?" Reid told the old joke wistfully.

Hotch chuckled. "Her own."

"Seven."

"Really?"

Reid turned so he was facing Hotch. He said quizzically "Did you know we weren't blood related at all?'

Hotch was aghast. "What? I thought she was your aunt. Your mother's sister?"

"Nope." As he fiddled with the buttons on his jacket, he continued. "She was married to my mother's older brother Robert for 197 days in 1990. I met her at the wedding and we hit it off."

Hotch was confused. "You were nine. How did you become friends with a grown woman?"

"I explained the basic events of Watergate to her as we danced to "Vogue" by Madonna".

Hotch couldn't help but laugh out loud at that one. "She sounds like a character."

"She was." Reid answered. Hotch tried to keep up the light mood going.

"Which number husband was Robert?"

"He was number two or three. It depends on whom you speak to. She was never very good at waiting for the divorce to come through before she did it again. A hazard of living in Vegas, I guess." Reid got quiet again as they neared his apartment building. Hotch pulled over to the curb and cut the engine. He waited to see what Reid would do next.

As he stared out the window Reid started to speak softly.

"Aunt Joan and Uncle Robert took me in after my mother committed suicide. Robert was the only husband of hers that died on her. He had a heart attack two months after my mom died. I stayed with her at first because there was no one else. Then we sort of grew on each other." He started gnawing on his fingernails when he finished.

Hotch had to ask. "Suicide? I thought your mother was murdered?"

Reid scoffed. "She drank to excess, had one night stands with truck drivers, and she

hitch hiked to Grateful Dead concerts. Another may have ended her life but it was suicide nonetheless."

Hotch listened as he continued. "I once asked Joan why she married so many times. She said, "Honey, I just want to matter to someone special." I didn't know what she meant at the time but I think I've it figured it out."

Hotch held his breath and waited. He had no clue as to where this was going.

Reid turned from the window and looked straight into Aaron's deep chocolate brown eyes. Aaron saw a new maturity in Reid's face, one that only suffering can bring about.

As his eyes welled up and his breathing increased, Spencer spoke in a rush of words.

"Joan was only 58. After all the marriages and relationships she had, you know what? She died alone. She never found that someone special." He turned to Hotch and sighed.

"I know you don't feel... you don't care about me the way I care about you. I just wish you were free to be my someone special." Reid blushed a deep red and dropped his eyes to his lap.

Hotch felt like he had been kicked in the gut. "Spencer, I..."

"I'm sorry. Forget I said anything." He sounded so forlorn Hotch couldn't let this go any further. He grabbed the hair on the back of Reid's hair and pulled him close enough to kiss. He hesitated slightly making Reid meet him half way. The kiss was passionate but awkward because of the way they were seated in the car. His tongue licked its way into Reid's mouth and caressed his tongue thoroughly. When they broke apart, Reid touched his lips in wonder. The delight in his eyes was one of the most beautiful things Hotch had ever seen.

"I do care about you Spencer. A great deal. You're... I...fuck." Hotch pinched the bridge of his nose trying to stave off the migraine that was forming. Reid reached up and tentatively ran his fingers through Aaron's hair. He leaned towards him and kissed him on the cheek, and then using his hand turned Hotch's face towards him and gave him a sweet very chaste kiss on the mouth. Hotch stroked the younger man's face with the back of his hand. He looked into his hazel eyes and saw nothing but complete trust in them. Trust he desperately wanted to deserve.

"Are you sure you want to do this? I don't want to take advantage of you." Hotch asked in a voice already thick with arousal. Reid shook his head no. Misunderstanding the gesture Hotch's heart stopped briefly. Then he got the answer he needed to hear.

"This isn't about grief, Hotch. I've wanted to be with you for a long time. I want you to be my first lover. I want you to be the first person to touch me and for you to be the first person I ever touched. Are you sure?"

Hotch was shocked by the question. He hadn't even thought of the possible consequences to his life. If he followed this path he would be putting everything he valued on the line. He couldn't think this through with this intoxicating boy sitting here next to him.

Reid sighed heavily. "I've put you in an impossible position I know. I'm sorry." He reached for the handle of the door and moved to get out.

"Wait." Hotch heard himself saying. Reid stopped but didn't turn to face him.

"Before we go any further I need you to understand something. Look at me."

Reid turned to face him. He looked nervous but calm.

"I love you Spencer but I'm not in love with you. I love Haley and I won't leave her."

Deep down Hotch hoped Reid couldn't accept these conditions. It would be an easy out for him. Reid drooped a little with disappointment but then he straightened up.

"I know that's not going to happen but I won't lie to you either, Aaron. I can't help wanting you for myself." The thoughts running through his head were all over the map. Aaron finally came to a decision.

Looking straight ahead, hands clasping the steering wheel he said,

"I can't."

"I know." Reid said sadly. Hotch looked at him with surprise. Reid muttered "That's probably one of the reasons I love you. You are one of the most principled people I know. I guess it will have to be enough that you considered it at all."

Hotch was rocked to his core. He couldn't fathom what was happening. He knew he had to get out of here fast or risk changing his mind. He touched Reid's hand lightly.

"Are you going to be OK?"

Reid's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "Not for awhile but I will be. Thanks for the ride, Hotch."

He got out of the car and practically ran up the front stairs into the apartment building. As he watched him go, Hotch couldn't help but think that he had let go of the opportunity of a lifetime. He turned the car engine over and put it in gear. As he checked the mirror to pull into traffic, he smacked his hand painfully on the steering wheel. He cut the wheel to the right and parked again. He lowered his head and took three deep cleansing breaths. He pulled out his cell phone and speed dialed the office.

"JJ, yeah it's me. My car just gave up the ghost again. I'm waiting for a tow so it will be awhile. I'll give you a call when I'm on my way." He cut her off before she could respond.

He walked up the steps to Reid's second floor apartment and prepared to knock when the door swung open. Reid had changed into a t-shirt and shorts. His long pale legs ended with his bare feet. He was chewing his fingernails again and looked terrified. Hotch saw him as an impossible combination of sexiness and pure innocence. He didn't understand it but it worked for him. He wanted to remember him this way forever.

He reached up, took Reid's hands down from his mouth.

"You have to stop doing that. You have these beautiful hands and these ugly little fingernails. It's a horrible habit." Reid blushed slightly. He folded his arms across his chest to keep his hands away from his mouth. He shuffled his feet and bounced on his toes.

Hotch cleared his throat. "I lied to you."

"Oh yeah? About what?"

"When I said, I loved you but I wasn't IN love with you. That was a bunch of crap."

Reid grinned. "I know."

Hotch shook his head. "How did YOU know it was a lie if I didn't know? And what about my principles? Isn't that one of the things you love about me? I shouldn't be here if I'm so principled?"

Reid smiled beatifically and pushed his hair back behind his ears. " Hotch, I have PhDs in three different disciplines of psychology. I know a lot about manipulating the human psyche."

"Bastard." Hotch said without any scorn and with a smile.

"No. I've seen my parents' marriage certificate. They were definitely married at the time of my conception." Reid said with a straight face.

Hotch leaned on the door jam. "What am I going to do with you?"

Reid stepped closer to Hotch invading his personal space. "There are some aspects of human sexuality I don't have any practical experience in. Are you willing to help me conduct some research?"

Hotch drew him into his arms and scorched his mouth with a kiss.

"I'd be willing to start that project right now, if you want." He muttered as he closed the door with his foot.

Thoreau once said "Things don't change; we change."

The End