Title: Going, Going, Gone
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: R
Table: 3, 20_est_relships
Prompt: 8, Loss
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Aaron Hotchner or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

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Aaron strode out of the bullpen and headed for the mens' room, trying to swallow a scream that he felt had been building within him all day. He'd seen enough, had enough. He didn't think that he could look at one more scene of carnage, see one more family torn apart.

He had too much experience with that. And even though he knew that he was letting Foyet get to him from beyond the grave, he couldn't help it. It was all building up to the point where he felt that he had to let out a scream that would never stop once it had started.

When had it all started to become too much for him to deal with? Had it been when Foyet had murdered his former wife, or had it started long before that, when that bastard had raped him and he'd hidden the fact from everyone around him, keeping it his own shameful secret?

He didn't know when this had begun, and it didn't really matter. He had to try to deal with it, to push it down, to keep it hidden just as he'd been doing all this time. He had thought that he could -- but now, he wasn't so such of his ability to compartmentalize anymore.

The door closed behind him; he stumbled to the counter and leaned over one of the sinks, wondering for a moment if he was going to throw up. The wave of nausea passed, but not the feeling of panic that was still welling up within him, threatening to spill over.

He had to get to some private place, some place where no one would be able to see or hear him, and let all of those fears and doubts spill out. The problem was that there wasn't really a place where he could do that here at work; he had to keep everything locked inside.

Aaron gripped the sink and leaned over it, resting his head against the cool, smooth surface of the mirror in front of him. The urge to smash that mirror welled up within him, then passed just as quickly, destruction like that wouldn't solve anything, or make his problems go away.

Why was there such a horrible sense of loss within him, one that he couldn't seem to get past? Why did he feel as though everything that he did was immaterial, that nothing really made any difference in the long run, no matter how many people he saved?

He had lost so much himself, but he had somehow managed to keep that from happening to so many other people. Why hadn't he been able to prevent the loss in his own life? And why did he feel that he had so much more to lose, that it was all slipping through his fingers?

With a soft groan, he pressed his forehead against the cool glass, not hearing the door open behind him and the soft footsteps that came across the floor. When a hand touched his shoulder, he raised his head with a gasp, his eyes focusing on the reflection of the person standing behind him.

"Aaron? What's wrong?" Spencer's voice was soft, a little hesitant, as though he wasn't sure that he was doing the right thing by being here. "You looked so freaked out when you left that I thought you might have read something you didn't want to tell the rest of the team."

Aaron shook his head, the panic welling up in him again, this time almost too strong for him to hold it back. All he wanted to do was to reach out to Spencer, to take the young man in his arms, to hold on to him for dear life until he no longer felt as though he was drowning.

"What's the matter?" Spencer asked again, moving closer and sliding his arms around Aaron's waist to pull him close. "Can't you talk to me? I know there's been something bothering you lately. I just haven't wanted to pry and ask you to talk about it if you weren't ready."

It was the touch that undid him. With a soft cry, Aaron buried his face against Spencer's hair, his arms going to around the young man's waist and holding Spencer against him, sobs that he hadn't known were within him coming to the surface, growing louder every moment.

"I'm losing everything," he managed to choke out, the words catching in his throat as though they didn't want to be spoken. "I've lost Haley, I've lost something that I intended to give to you, and I've lost my pride in a lot of ways. It's all slipping away from me, Spencer."

The sense of loss pressed in upon him, feeling as though it was suffocating him, like a heavy cloak being pressed over his face and weighing him down until he was dead weight in Spencer's embrace. He could feel his knees buckling, his legs refusing to hold him up.

"I can feel it all falling away," Aaron whispered, the words coming out before he realized what he was saying. "I'm losing the team. I'm losing control. And sooner or later, I'll end up losing you, too. It's inevitable. And I don't know if I can deal with that happening."

Spencer's arms were still around him, tightening slightly, holding him closer against the young man body. Somehow, they were both sinking down to the floor; he was leaning against Spencer, crying, the tears blinding him until he was no longer sure just where they were.

He'd never felt such a sense of loss a she did when he thought about Spencer slipping out of his life; that was what caused the tears, the shattering of his heart into tiny shards that he knew he would never be able to piece back together again. If he lost Spencer, he'd have nothing left.

Nothing except Jack, he told himself, the thought coming to him out of the blue. He still had his son. He would never lose his son, would he? Even though Jack would grow up and eventually not need him as much any more, he would always be Jack's father. That bond would never break.

The would be one loss he would never have to endure -- or would he? All children broke away from their parents in time -- and there would come a time when Jack would do just that. Without Spencer in his life, everything and everyone he cared about would be gone.

The thought only made the sobs intensify; he could feel Spencer's thin arms tightening around him, holding him close, hear his boyfriend's murmured words in his ear even though he couldn't make out just what Spencer was saying. All he could hear was one word, repeated in his consciousness.

Going, going, gone. Everything he loved and needed most would eventually be gone; he would lose it all, and die an old man, unloved and alone. There would be no Spencer to hold him, no one by his side to curl up against at night, no one to wrap their arms around him.

The sense of loss was overwhelming. He would drown under it; he wouldn't be able to break the surface, and he would claw and fight for air, but he would be dragged down to the depths -- and eventually he would give up and simply stop breathing, stop fighting, stop trying.

"You'll never lose me," Spencer whispered into his ear. The words cut through the mist of Aaron's misery, like a foghorn cutting through the mists shrouding a river inlet. He couldn't help but listen to them, to the soft, familiar cadence of his young lover's voice.

"I'll always be here, no matter what happens," Spencer whispered into his ear, his voice soft and gentle, the words warm and soothing. "I love you, Aaron Hotchner. I've loved you from the first time we met. And I'll always love you. For better or worse, Aaron. I'm here for you, for all of our lives."

With an effort, Aaron forced himself to focus on those words. Spencer wouldn't lie to him; those words had to be true. Spencer wasn't going to hold out that kind of lifeline to him and then snatch it away. If he was saying those words, then they were sincerely meant.

"I love you, too," Aaron whispered, feeling the sense of loss start to retreat, the panic that had threatened to engulf him completely backing off. It was manageable now; he was able to push that panic aside and thrust it away from him, to stand up to it and brandish a conquering sword.

The fear was receding to a manageable distance; somehow, he had the feeling that he had leaped over a chasm, and had been lucky enough to land safely here in Spencer's arms. He wanted to stay here all day, but he knew that wasn't going to be possible.

He had to go back out into the bullpen, talk to the team about the next case they wee taking on, and then prepare to leave with them. He had to throw himself into his work, and hope that he wouldn't have another moment like this when he had nowhere to hide what was happening.

"Are you okay?" Spencer whispered, nuzzling his cheek against Aaron's hair. He nodded slowly, thankful beyond words for having this young man in his life and in his heart. Without Spencer, there was no telling where he would be now -- or if he would even still be here.

Spencer gave him a reason to live, a reason to keep going. Spencer was the center of his life; he had been ever since he'd heard those whispered words after his lover's ordeal with Tobias Hankel. "I knew you'd understand." Those words had meant everything to him.

"I'll be all right," he managed to say, raising a hand to wipe at his eyes. "Thank you, sweetheart." He closed his eyes again as more tears threatened to well up, tears of gratitude for this young man, for his steadiness, his understanding, and most of all, for the unselfish love he gave.

"Any time," Spencer said softly as he got to his feet and held out a hand to pull Aaron up from the floor. He turned to the mirror, smoothing his hair and straightening his tie before the two of them headed for the door, back to the rest of the team and whatever might lay ahead for them.

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