I Should've Protected Him

Title: I Should've Protected Him

Pairing: gen

Rating: PG-13

A/N: This is a one shot taken from Hotch's point of view at the end of the Revelations. It's kind of a fluff/angst. I might be a little off about Reid's background so please don't fry me for that.

Summary: Hotchner's POV after Revelation episode. He muses over the young man he believes he failed.

***

"I knew you'd remember." Reid shudders against me, his thin arms wrapped around my neck. He's always been so skinny, and now after his after his ordeal, I can feel the prominence of his shoulder blades through his shirt.

Gideon would tell me not to feel guilty for what has happened, but I do feel to blame. I never thought Spencer would have to go through something like this. The boy genius… my god, he is so young. Just a kid and I have only used him; exploited his genius for the BAU's work.

True, his keen insight of criminal psychology has been a valuable asset to the unit, but for all the intelligence, all that genius, I'd sometimes forget that this is a very young adult. He's not a hardened agent with a jaded personality such as… my own. Elle was different, she at least had been an experienced operative.

"It's all right, Spence. You're safe now." Christ, I want that to be true. I want to protect him. The pragmatic part of my mind urges me to realize that Spencer Reid is a FBI agent, and I should not feel the need to be his father figure. This is one of the plethoras of reasons why I so strive to stay aloof from the rest of the team, isn't it? I've seen so much in my career, lost so many friends that I won't allow myself to bond with my team.

I suppose if one were to psychoanalyze me they would say that since I rarely see my own son, I take the youngest member of my team under my "fatherly wing" instead. God knows, I reprimand him enough for making miniature bombs on his desk back at the base. And every time he gives me that wide eyed apologetic look that I suppose most teenagers give their parents when they're caught smoking. While I don't know the exact details of Spence's childhood, I do know that his father walked out while he was still a very young boy.

As I look at the exhausted, shaking young man standing next to the body of the man he'd just killed, I do think I see a shadow of that little boy who grew up far to fast, who had such intelligence that surely alienated him from the other kids. God, he was barely into his twenties when I hired him. The thought of having such a brilliant psychiatrist on the team was so enticing, that I ignored my initial reluctance of hiring someone so young. I'd convinced myself that with either me or Gideon to look after him, Spence would be fine.

But he is not fine now. This young man before me has been tortured both physically and mentally. I certainly do know what that can do to a person. Dr. Spencer Reid will not be all right for a long time.