Title: On How Life Is
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Table: writers_choice
Prompt: #389, Life
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Aaron Hotchner or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Aaron leaned back in his chair, sighing as he closed the file folder on his desk. There was always a bit of a feeling of letdown after they'd finished a case, even if it had been a successful one; the adrenaline rush had come to an end, his life settling into familiar patterns again.

No, that wasn't quite true, he told himself, a faint smile creeping over his features. His life had changed in so many ways in the past few months; he'd lost so much, but he'd gained more than he would have ever thought possible. More than he could ever have expected.

It still felt a little strange to have Spencer living with him, to know that they wouldn't be going back to their separate homes when they left the office at the end of the day. It was going to take some time to get used to the idea that his house was their home now.

Even though they had only lived a few blocks away from each other when they'd had their separate places not far from work, he'd always felt that there was a sharp dividing line between them. There was their shared communal space, with each of them having their own private areas.

He'd only spent the night at Spencer's apartment a handful of times, and he'd never felt really comfortable there. There was no stamp of his own there, nothing that made him feel at home. Spencer had known that, and had apologized for it.

His boyfriend had seemed much more comfortable coming to his place, so that was what they'd usually done. Even after Foyet had attacked him there, before he'd moved back into this house, it had always felt more natural for Spencer to be in his apartment.

Aaron shuddered at the memories that came flooding back; he would never be able to completely erase the memory of that hellish night from his mind. The pain that Foyet had inflicted on him -- and the physical humiliation that had gone beyond the bloodshed.

That was a direction that he'd never thought his life would take. He had always kept a cool distance between himself and the unsubs his team pursued; he'd never let it become personal. But Foyet's attack had changed all of that, in a few short hours.

Without Spencer, he would never have survived that attack as well as he had. Oh, he would have lived through it; that much was obvious. But if he'd had to deal with the aftermath of it alone, he would have long since fallen apart. He was sure of it.

There were still times when he could feel the helplessness overtaking him again. That feeling could seem completely overwhelming at times; he'd had to get out of bed on more than one night and lock himself into the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face and trying to control his trembling.

If he'd still been with Haley, he wouldn't have been able to tell her what had been done to him. He knew all too well the horror he would have seen written on her face, the doubt in her eyes. She would never have been able to view him in the same way again.

With Spencer, it was different. Spencer might not have experienced the same thing he had, but he knew where that kind of pain and fear came from. He'd overcome it himself, during those terrible hours with Hankel. Spencer understood.

There was silent communication between the two of them that he couldn't imagine having with anyone else, a communion that had first started when Spencer had fallen into his arms after his ordeal with Hankel and uttered those four words. "I knew you'd understand."

To everyone around them, the young man had been referring to the oblique message he'd tried to send when he knew that the team was watching what Hankel was doing to him. But to Aaron, those words had a far deeper meaning that only the two of them shared.

There had been a look that the two of them had shared, a thread of emotion that had tethered them to each other through the entire time that the team was taking Spencer to the hospital. A link that only the two of them knew about.

He'd been a lifeline to Spencer during that difficult time -- and now, his young lover was doing the same for him. Who could ever have guessed that their respective roles would be reversed -- and in such a short time, in such a devastating way?

His life with Spencer was going to be very different from the life he'd led with his ex-wife -- or even the life that he'd led when he was living in that small, faceless apartment that he'd never bothered to put any sort of personal stamp on. His life had changed forever.

There was no going back -- and he didn't want to retrace any steps. As much pain as he'd suffered, as much as he regretted his inability to be the hero and completely save the day by averting tragedy, his life was as it should be at the moment.

What would his life have been like if none of this had happened? He would probably have spent years marking time, doing exactly what he'd been doing before Foyet's entrance into his life. He would have lived his life quietly, thinking that he was content.

He'd have been with Spencer; he had no doubt of that. But he would have kept their relationship quiet, not trusting anyone to know the truth about them. His team would have known, of course, but it would have been a large elephant in their midst, something they never spoke of.

They still didn't speak of it, though Aaron was sure they knew. But somehow, it didn't feel like there was an elephant in the room. It felt as though they all shared a secret they were comfortable with, one that they guarded carefully against any prying outsiders' eyes.

That was one thing in his life that hadn't changed -- and never would. The security that he found with his team, the trust he had in these people. They would all do anything they could to help each other; he was completely secure in that knowledge.

Every other aspect of his life seemed to have changed in such a short time. He'd lost someone he loved, btu that had only brought someone else who he loved further into his life, solidifying his place there and making Aaron realize how much he needed that security.

He knew now that even if all of the events leading up to what his life was like now hadn't happened, things would never have gone back to what they'd been before Foyet had burst into his realm of being. Nothing would have ever been the same, even if all of this had never happened.

He'd never have gotten his marriage back. He had hoped for that, for quite a long time, but he'd finally had to face the truth. He'd begun to take those first tentative steps forward with Spencer; all of this recent events had only made those steps move a little more quickly.

Life would always move forward. He couldn't look back, only forward. He had to put everything that he had into his future with Spencer; he'd known for a long time that this was where his happiness lay, even when he was still trying to hold on to the past.

Looking back would only make the memories linger, the memories that he needed to bury and put to rest. There were some that he would want to keep, of course; memories that would always be a part of his life, that he could take out to look at from time to time.

That was the nature of life; that was the way everyone's life progressed. There was constant change. Nothing ever stayed the same. The only thing that could be counted on to stay constant in life was the fact that it would always grow and change.

His life hadn't been perfect, though there had been times when he thought it was. He'd had dark and light periods, just like anyone else. But lately, the darker periods had seemed to loom over the brighter ones, casting a pall over everything else in his life with their gloom.

Spencer had moved in with him; they were both entering a bright phase of their lives -- a bright phase of the life that they would forge together from here on out. Determinedly, he pushed those darker thoughts away, refusing to let them cloud his mind.

It would be much better for him to turn his thoughts to the future, to think about what his life was going to be, rather than brooding on the past and things that had already happened, things the he couldn't change. He had to look ahead, rather than always glancing back over his shoulder.

Aaron sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. That was much easier said than done; there were still times when everything felt futile, when he couldn't control the despair that threatened to engulf him at the thought of everything that had so recently taken place.

Spencer, a voice whispered in the back of his mind. In spite of everything that's gone wrong, there's still one thing in your life that's right. You have Spencer. Think about him. Think about your life with him. He's your light in the darkness, your silver lining.

Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes and looked down at his hand, resting on the file he'd closed. Was it his imagination, or was that hand not quite steady? His fingers were trembling slightly, something that he'd tried his best to hide from everyone around him.

A knock on the door of his office made him look up; a moment later, Spencer entered the room, a slightly apologetic smile on his face. "Hey, there's a case you ought to come and look at," he said softly, his eyes meeting Aaron's. "It seems like it could be pretty important."

"I'll be there in a minute," Aaron told him, giving his boyfriend a wan smile. He got to his feet, ready to slip the mask of calm stoicism into place. Rather than sitting here reflecting on how his life was, it was time that he got back to his job and worried about other people's lives for a change.

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