Title: The Places You've Known
Author: Rhysenn
Rating: FRT (or PG-13)
Pairing: Hotch/Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Summary: "Let me tell you something about Aaron Hotchner," Haley says.
A/N: Inspired by ep 1x19 - Machismo, but no spoilers.

***

Hotch pulls the car to a halt in front of the second-to-last house at the end of the row. He doesn't turn into the driveway; instead he just sits there, not speaking as he gazes out at the house. Reid, sitting quietly next to him, notices the faraway look in his eyes.

Then the moment passes, and Hotch turns off the engine and opens the door.

"Come on," he says briskly. "Let's go."

Reid blinks, surprised. He even brought paperwork to do while waiting.

"Shouldn't I," he says hesitantly, "shouldn't I just stay here in the car?"

Hotch turns to Reid.

"You don't want to come in with me?" There's a glint in Hotch's eyes, swift and sharp like lightning, and Reid recognizes the edge in his tone.

"That's not what I meant," Reid answers, and tries again, "It's just - do you really think this is a good idea? I mean, given the current, uh, situation?"

"I'm just stopping by to pick up the rest of my stuff." Hotch's words are clipped, tense. "There's no situation."

Reid takes a moment to bridle his frustration. Every time he attempts to get within ten words of discussing Haley or the divorce proceedings, Hotch shuts him down with this same brusqueness. And now, this paradox of Hotch behaving as if it's perfectly fine to bring his boyfriend into the house he used to share with his soon-to-be-ex wife is swiftly turning into an unpleasant, volatile state of affairs.

"Look, if you don't want to," Hotch says curtly, turning away, "you can just wait here."

"Hotch, please." Reid catches Hotch by the wrist; Hotch stops and looks back at him. Reid takes a deep breath, and then continues, "I know this is hard for you. And I'm trying my best not to make it any harder - I know I'm not doing a very good job, but you've got to help me out here."

Hotch's expression softens; and looking into Hotch's eyes now, Reid finds it hard to believe the dark flash of emotion he saw in them just moments ago.

Hotch reaches out to touch Reid's face, and the gesture is immeasurably tender.

"I don't want to be ashamed of you, Spencer." He speaks in a low voice, and there's muted intensity in his eyes. "And I'm not. I'm really not."

"I know," Reid says, and leans forward earnestly. "I want to be with you, Aaron. Believe me, I've wanted to be with you for longer than you'll ever imagine. But I don't want to cause any more trouble between you and Haley."

"What happened wasn't your fault," Hotch replies stoically. "Our split was - amicable."

"And yet she's suing for sole custody," Reid points out, as unobtrusively as possible. "Citing your lifestyle as being an unsuitable environment for James."

A pained look flits across Hotch's face at the mention of his son; he averts his gaze, and Reid takes the opportunity to reach for his hand. Their fingers entwine and Reid pulls Hotch's hand closer - then, without breaking eye contact, he lifts it to his lips and gently presses a kiss there.

"Tell me what you want me to do," Reid says simply. "If you want me to come in with you, I will. But if it's better for me to wait out here in the car, that's fine too. You don't have to prove anything - not to me, or her, or anyone else."

The expression Reid sees in Hotch's eyes is plain and truthful and so desperately real. And it's moments like these that Reid cherishes, memorizes: when the Hotch that everybody knows dissolves away, even just for a split second, and Reid sees a part of him no one else does.

Hotch leans forward and kisses Reid on the mouth; and when Hotch pulls back, the uncertainty in his eyes has been replaced by sober determination.

"I want you to come in," Hotch says; he looks at Reid and adds, "For me."

Reid squeezes Hotch's hand before releasing it. Then he gives Hotch a small smile, and nods once.

They get out of the car and walk up the driveway together. Hotch rings the doorbell, and a few moments later the door opens and Haley's standing there, dressed in a light blue blouse and faded jeans, her blond hair tied in a ponytail. Looking at her, Reid can see why Hotch was attracted to her in the first place.

"Hello," Hotch says. "Sorry we're late."

"Hi," Reid adds.

Haley's eyes darken when she sees Reid. She steps back to let them into the house, but pointedly ignores Reid as she fixes her gaze on Hotch.

"Your stuff's up in the attic," she says. "I've put them in boxes."

Hotch casts a searching glance around. "Where's James?"

"Not here," Haley replies shortly. Hotch gives her a look, and she adds, "At my mother's."

Hotch turns to face her. "I'd like to see him soon."

Haley shrugs.

"He's sick with the flu," she says. "I took him to the doctor yesterday morning."

Hotch's brow furrows with anxiety. "Is he all right? Is it anything serious?"

"It's just the flu, Aaron," Haley replies impatiently. "It's obviously not fatal, but if you want to see him that's going to have to wait until he's better."

Hotch looks as if he's going to say something; but then he just casts his eyes downwards.

"I'll go grab my stuff," he says, glancing briefly at Reid before he turns away. "I won't be long."

Reid watches as Hotch disappears upstairs. The uncomfortable silence sets in - Reid shuffles his feet awkwardly and feels the weight of Haley's stare on him.

"So is this why you're here?" Haley finally speaks. "To have the last laugh?"

Reid looks up. The hard expression in Haley's eyes is intimidating, but he stands his ground, meets her gaze.

"I only came in because he asked me to," Reid replies honestly; he pauses, and then continues, "And considering the likely outcome of the custody issue, I think you're the one who'll be getting the last laugh."

Haley crosses her arms over her chest.

"You think I'm suing for sole custody just because I want to spite him?"

"Not entirely," Reid answers. "But I think your disapproval of the choices he's made might have something to do with it."

"Because he's with you now?" Haley gives a short, dry laugh. "I may not relish the idea that my husband's coworker stole him away from right under my nose - but I have friends and relatives who are gay, and in this day and age even I wouldn't stoop so low as to say that Aaron's sexual orientation, whatever that may be, is the reason I don't think he'll make a good father to James."

"What is it, then?" Reid wants to know. "Why won't you let him have joint custody?"

Haley narrows her eyes at him, as if evaluating the motives behind his question.

"He never had enough time for us," she finally says. "Dropping everything at a phone call, rushing out the door and disappearing for days at a time - I can't live like this, and neither should James." She pauses. "What Aaron does, however noble and brave, doesn't excuse the fact that our child deserves better than a father whose sole priority in life is his work."

Reid tilts his head pensively.

"What about the people he's rescued?" he asks Haley. "Countless lives have been saved because he's committed and devoted to what he does, regardless of the sacrifices." Reid halts, and then adds, "You're sharing him with a lot of families who, believe me, are grateful for what he does everyday, only they have no way of telling you that."

Haley looks him squarely in the eye.

"I've never been good at sharing," she says in a hard voice.

Reid drops his gaze ruefully.

"I know this doesn't mean very much," he says, looking up at Haley again, "but I never, not even once, asked him to -"

"I don't blame you for seducing my husband," Haley cuts in, her eyes flashing with thinly controlled emotion. "But don't ever tell me that you're not responsible for taking James' father away from him. One day my son will have to come to terms with the fact that his dad chose to be with another man instead of his own family."

Reid remains silent for a moment.

"At least they won't have to live a lie for the rest of their lives," he finally says, very quietly. "Both Aaron and James."

Haley lets out a sharp, humorless laugh.

"Don't talk about Aaron like you actually know everything about him, all right?" The bitterness in her tone is unmistakable. "Because you don't. And that's not even the best part."

Reid looks at Haley, startled by her forcefulness - and something in her words speaks to an unspoken fear inside him, hidden somewhere deep within.

"What do you mean?" he says tersely.

Haley cocks her head, and Reid thinks he catches a glimpse of regret in her eyes.

"Let me tell you something about Aaron Hotchner," Haley says in a low voice, looking directly at Reid. "You may think he's sharing his life with you - and for some time, you may even think that it's true. But deep inside, you know there's always a part of him he'll never let you get close to - and one day you'll realize, maybe you don't know him at all. You never have," she pauses, "and you never will."

Reid is aware that his heart is pounding; he exhales slowly, and tries to ignore the clenching of his chest, the cold sense of trepidation that coils densely in the pit of his stomach.

"With all due respect," he finally replies in a quiet, controlled voice, "I don't believe that."

"Oh, you don't have to take my word for it," Haley says pointedly. "See for yourself. Just ask him what happened in the first ten years of his life, before Sean was born."

Reid looks at Haley, nonplussed.

"What - what happened then?" he can't help asking.

Haley raises an eyebrow with sardonic bemusement.

"He's never told you?" The smirk on Haley's lips unnerves Reid immensely; she pauses, and then continues, "Welcome to the club. Don't worry - you'll get used to it. Eventually."

Before Reid can say anything in response, there's the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs and he immediately closes his mouth. Several moments later Hotch appears, two boxes stacked one on top of the other in his arms.

"I think I've got everything," Hotch begins; then he catches sight of Reid and Haley, standing opposite each other, and a wary expression crosses his face. "What? What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing," Haley says casually, moving away. "Well, I have to leave for an appointment now, so," she picks up her handbag on the counter and takes out her keys. "You mind?"


* * *


As they drive away from the house, Reid sits in the front seat and gazes distractedly out the window. His conversation with Haley has left him feeling distinctly... unsettled. Discomfited. Reid wonders if he should've just waited in the car after all.

"You all right?" Hotch says, giving Reid a sidelong glance.

Reid shifts in his seat.

"Yes," he replies. "I'm fine."

Hotch glances at Reid again, longer this time, before turning his eyes back to the road.

"Haley said something to you about me."

"No, no," Reid says quickly. "It's not that."

But Reid knows that he's not going to be able to fool an excellent profiler, certainly not one who also happens to be his lover. True enough, he sees a self-deprecating curl on the edges of Hotch's mouth.

"I wasn't fair to her, I admit," Hotch says ruefully. "And she has every right to be hurt and angry with me." He pauses. "But I had to make a choice. If I'd stayed, I wouldn't have been fair to you, or myself - and still wouldn't have been truthful to her."

They turn a corner and the sound of the boxes bumping against each other in the back seat makes Reid crane his neck around to look at them.

"What's inside?" he asks.

"Oh, just some old things," Hotch answers dismissively. "Photos albums, stuff like that."

"Baby pictures?" Reid says, interested.

"Yes," Hotch replies, and grins. "Sean will kill me for showing them around, but I swear he and James tie for first place as the cutest babies in the world."

"But - what about you?" Reid presses. "Don't you have any pictures from when you were a kid?"

Something alters in Hotch's expression; it's like a part of him has instinctively shuttered off.

"You know I've always been camera shy," Hotch says neutrally, not looking at Reid.

"But you don't need a camera to remember the stories," Reid counters. "And I don't mean stories about Sean, I want to know about you." He pauses, and then adds wryly, "Come on - it can't be any worse than my horrifically embarrassing tales of growing up in Las Vegas, and you know almost all of them."

Hotch lets out a quick laugh, the kind that's meant to mask something far less casual.

"You'll be pretty disappointed, then," he says, keeping his eyes fixed in front of him. "Mine are all pretty boring." 

"I'd still like to hear them," Reid tells him. 

Hotch remains silent. Reid waits, and it's a long moment before Hotch finally speaks.

"I don't really want to talk about that right now." There's a firm, controlled tone in Hotch's voice; but it softens just a little bit as he adds, "Another time, all right?"

Haley's voice echoes mockingly in Reid's mind: one day you'll realize, maybe you don't know him at all.

But then Reid realizes something else - and it's like an epiphany, blindingly clear in three simple words: it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what Hotch keeps locked behind that door he keeps everyone away from, even those he loves; precisely because he loves them too much to let them in.

And Reid is content to stay away from that place only Hotch knows, for as long as the door remains shut. But when it finally breaks down and Hotch can't hold the monsters back on his own anymore, Reid will be there. And that's what matters.

Reid reaches out and lightly brushes his fingers through Hotch's hair, just above his ear.

"All right," he says. "Some other time."




- fin -

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