Title: Let Me Prove It To You
Author: wild-angel82
Pairing: Prentiss/JJ
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Criminal Minds. I wish I did, though.
A/N: A/N: This is going to be my first Emily/JJ chapter story. I figured that after all those oneshots, it was time for something longer :) Not sure how long it's going to be, but this idea has been bugging me for months, so I finally started putting it on "paper" :D Not much happening in this first chapter, but this is just something to start with. I hope you enjoy!
Summary: It's been months since Emily Prentiss left the BAU and the US for that matter. It's also been months since she last saw Jennifer Jareau. But what happens when Emily gets a call that JJ has been in an accident?***
Chapter 1
Emily Prentiss walked onto a terrace of a ridiculously expensive beach house in Tuscany. She had never really been a morning person, but ever since she moved in there, she started to somewhat enjoy the earliest part of the day. So every day she would make herself a cup of coffee and sit on the terrace for about an hour to enjoy the tasty hot beverage as well as a gentle sea breeze.
When she first decided to leave the BAU, she had no idea what she was going to do with her life. The only thing she knew that she couldn't stay in Quantico or even in the US anymore. At first, her mother suggested that she join her in Paris, where she was currently residing, but the idea of spending more time than necessary with her mother did not sit well with Emily. She didn't mind the occasional dinner here and there, but the idea of being in such proximity to her mother for an extended period of time scared Emily to death. So even though her mother couldn't stop insisting for at least three weeks, Emily politely declined the offer and told her mother that she'd rather be somewhere on her own.
For a while she had this idea of travelling the world, but in the end she realized that she really was a bit tired of moving around and came to the conclusion that she'd rather settle somewhere nice and quiet. She knew money wasn't an object and she had more than enough to last her for at least a year, until she was ready to decide what she was going to do with the rest of her life. She knew she was going to have to make that decision sooner or later and she definitely wasn't ready to leave the Bureau permanently, but she knew that she needed a break somewhere where she wouldn't be haunted by memories she was trying so hard to forget.
So finally, after weighing pros and cons of many places, she decided on Tuscany, a place she held dear in her heart from the time she had spent there when she was younger. Her mother had a beach house there, and while Emily wasn't 100% comfortable with taking anything from her mother, after the Ambassador insisted and promised that she would not be making any unannounced visits to that particular property, Emily decided that maybe moving into that house wasn't such a bad idea.
The first few days after she moved in were a little tough. Everything was so much different than in Quantico. She was now living in a huge beach house, instead of an apartment, however spacious hers might have been, she didn't have any immediate neighbors and she could go to the beach and into the ocean any time she wanted. At first she didn't really care about all those things, but as time went by, she learned to appreciate them. It brought her joy that she was able to sit at her terrace and breathe the fresh air and not worry about her neighbors fighting, moving furniture or trying to get their kids to behave.
With all the free time on her hands, she had learned to celebrate and enjoy each simple activity more than she had done in the past. Coffee used to be just a necessity that she would grab on her way to work after having slept for just over three hours. Now coffee was a part of her entire morning ritual, which also included a morning bath and a sit-down on her terrace.
What amazed her every day as she sat outside breathing the ocean air was the beauty of her surroundings. She remembered Tuscany as extremely captivating from the time she had spent there in the past, but she realized that somehow it had gotten even more beautiful than the time she last saw it. She also realized that watching the ocean and listening to the waves hit the shore brought her some sort of comfort, even if just for a little while. She knew well that she was never really going to escape the memories that kept haunting her at night, but she knew she had to try, before it made her insane. Getting away from Quantico was the first and easiest step. The more difficult task was to erase a certain communications liaison from her mind. Because so far, no matter where she went, the blonde's eyes and her smile were etched in Emily's mind and she knew it was going to take much more than moving to a fancy beach house half across the world to get rid of those images. They did seem a little more blurry with each passing day, at least that's what she was hoping, nevertheless they were still there and she hated the fact that there was nothing that she could do about it.
Sometimes she was almost mad at herself for letting herself fall so hard for someone who could never be hers. From the very beginning she knew it was stupid and hopeless, yet no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't help but develop stronger feelings for the liaison with every single day. With every meeting, every case together, every smile, every bottle of wine shared with the blonde, she kept falling harder and harder, until there was no more place to fall. Maybe if she hadn't let herself fall so in love with Jennifer Jareau, all of this would have been easier. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much. Or maybe then it would never have been necessary to get away from her in the first place. But with the feelings that she still did have for her colleague, it was simply impossible to stay. It was impossible to be around her and not wanna scream and shout and either fall apart or be mad at the blonde and the world. Or herself. Because really, she no longer knew whose fault it was that her life had become such a mess.
Emily sighed at the realization that she can't go a single day without thinking about JJ. It had been months since they were last in contact, yet it didn't seem to hurt any less.
She was suddenly brought back to reality by the sound of a ringing phone. When she looked at her cell phone, she immediately realized that the call was coming from Quantico, Virginia, the US. She didn't recognize that particular number, but she knew all the prefixes by heart. A part of her wanted to just let it go and not pick up, but the other part felt that the call might be something important.
"Hello?" She finally decided to answer and it surprised her how weird it was to answer the phone without a Prentiss or Agent Prentiss thrown in somewhere.
"Hi Emily, it's Garcia…" She heard her friend's voice and immediately regretted taking that call.
***
Chapter 2
"Garcia?" Emily asked, thinking for a split second that maybe she heard it wrong. But she didn't. "How did you get this number?" She asked curious, because she made sure that she didn't give that number to anyone.
"I realize that you've been gone for a while, but have you forgotten what the goddess does for a living?"
"Right." Emily replied and laughed at herself for not realizing that sooner. Obviously Garcia would have no problems tracking her down. She's Garcia after all. "Hi." Emily said to her. "What's up?" She asked and realized that it really was a stupid question to ask someone you haven't talked to in a couple of months. She knew this wasn't just about Garcia needing girl talk or something. There was something going on.
"Look, I know that you want to be left alone and all that… And I've made my peace with it, I really have. I still miss you like crazy, we all do, but we have learned to…"
"Garcia!" Emily almost shouted her friend's name in order to remind her to get to the point.
"Right." Garcia sighed as she realized that this was going to be harder than she initially thought. She still wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing calling Emily, but something kept telling her that Emily would wanna know. "Listen, I wasn't sure if I should call you about this or not, so please don't hate me if I made the wrong choice."
"Garcia, please!" Emily asked again.
"OK, here it goes. JJ has been in an accident…" Emily's legs almost gave out at hearing the words JJ and accident in the same sentence. Her heart started beating faster as she listened to Garcia continue. "Don't worry, she is OK. Unconscious at the moment, but the doctors say she is stable and should be just fine. " Emily's breathes become a little lighter once she heard that JJ was going to be fine, but she still felt like someone hit her on the head with something really heavy. "I know that you and JJ didn't really part on good terms, but I thought that you deserved to know." Garcia added and waited for some sort of reaction from Emily.
4 months earlier…
"Emily, please just try and understand." JJ begged with tears streaming down her face as she saw the utter horror in Emily's eyes after what she had just told her.
"I have tried and I failed." Emily replied calmly, but JJ knew that she was far from calm. Emily's eyes were a clear indication that she really wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. "I don't understand." She added as she became a little more emotional. "I will never understand how you can just go and be with him after everything that has happened between us."
"Emily…" JJ begged, but Emily wouldn't let her say anything more.
"And don't tell me that it didn't mean anything to you. Because I know it did. At least that's what I thought." Emily looked into the blonde's eyes and knew that she was right. "Which is why I will never understand why you are doing this." Emily said once again and JJ could see tears welling up in the other agent's eyes. It was killing her to do it, but there was no way she could continue this relationship. For a moment JJ was just staring at Emily, not knowing what to say, until she finally broke the silence.
"I just never thought it would go this far…"
"So what exactly was I to you?" Emily shouted as more and more anger kept building up inside her. "Some fucking experiment that you forgot to conduct in college? You just suddenly realized that you had forgotten to check what it's like to be with a woman before you made a commitment to your detective?!" Emily paused for a moment to see reaction more carefully, but JJ was still struggling to say anything. "So, did I live up to your expectations? Was the girl on girl action everything it's cracked up to be? Was it everything you imagined?"
"You know it's not like that!" JJ protested, tears streaming down her face.
"Then what is it like then? Tell me!" Emily insisted. "Because I sure as hell wanna know!"
"Emily, this is complicated." JJ admitted through tears. "I'm just so confused…"
"You didn't seem too confused when you were screaming out my name in the middle of the night." Emily reminded her and looked at her intently. The way she looked at JJ made the blonde weak in the knees and her heart started beating faster at the memory of the nights that she and Emily had spent together making love. But life was more than just passion, kisses that made you breathless or feelings that scared you to death. And she needed some sense of normalcy in her life, something she couldn't achieve with everything that she was feeling around Emily. It was all too much and she was afraid it was going to be the death of her.
"Please, don't." JJ begged again, because she knew that the more Emily was going to talk about everything that they had shared, the more difficult it was going to be to walk away. "Don't…" She cried, not knowing what else to say. She knew Emily would never understand why she couldn't be with her and she knew that nothing she could ever say was going to make it any easier on Emily. She hated doing this, but she couldn't go on like this.
"Don't what?" Emily asked angry. "Don't remind you about what we had? What we have?" She added stressing the present form of the verb. "Because no matter what you tell me, no matter how hard you try to convince me that you want to be with him, I know that whatever it is that's between us is still there. And it's not going away." Emily was sure of that and when she looked into JJ's eyes, she could swear that JJ knew that too.
"I don't know what it is that we have, Emily." JJ finally spoke. "But whatever it is, it's too much and it's too complicated and I can't take it." She said trembling as she wiped away the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"So you're just gonna run?" Emily asked, almost not being able to believe that JJ would choose this way of dealing with everything. "Give up on us? Because you're scared? And what it is about him that is so NOT scary?" Emily inquired wanting to just take JJ by the shoulders and shake her so hard she would come to her senses.
"Em…" Emily heard JJ say and it made her even angrier. How dare she call her that after all the horrible things that she's saying. How dare she! And how dare she walk away from this!
But as angry as Emily was, she wanted nothing more than to take JJ into her arms, hold her and kiss her, like so many times before. She couldn't understand why JJ suddenly seemed to not want all those things that Emily knew were so right. She finally took one step closer towards the blonde and took her by the hand. JJ's heart almost stopped and the simple gesture sent shivers up and down her body.
"You look me in the eye and you tell me that you want to walk away from this." Emily took one step closer and ran her other hand through JJ's hair. She knew it was driving JJ crazy and stupidly enough, she thought it was going to be enough to make her change her mind. "You look me in the eye and tell me that you wanna go." She repeated. "Look me in the eye and tell me that you wanna be with him." She finished as she looked at JJ so intently that she could swear the blonde was going to fall apart right there and then.
"I can't… " Was all JJ managed to say as she slid her hand out of Emily's and turned her head away from the brunette. She knew she wouldn't be able to look her in the eye and say it. She could never lie to Emily and she knew this time was gonna be no different. And she knew she had to get away as soon as possible, or another touch or look from Emily and she would break. And as she left Emily's apartment and walked into the night, she knew she was walking away from something amazing and she hated herself for not being strong enough to fight for it.
***
Chapter 3
"Emily, are you still there?" Emily suddenly heard Garcia's voice, which brought her back to reality.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm still here." She replied. "Sorry, I just got lost in my own world for a moment…"
"No worries." Garcia told her and she knew very well who Emily must be thinking about. How could she not after receiving news like that. Still unsure if she made the right decision by telling Emily, Garcia continued. "Are you OK?"
"Yeah." Emily answered still a little shaken up and not totally sure if this conversation was really happening or if she was just going crazy and imagining things. "Tell me what happened?" She asked, because she just needed to know. She had to know.
"The guys were on a case in Florida and something went wrong. One of our SUVs got blown up. Morgan was next to the car, so he got hit a little, but JJ was already inside, so she took the biggest blow. Fortunately the bomb wasn't that good, otherwise…" Garcia stopped, because she knew she didn't even have to say it. "Anyway, like I said, she is still unconscious, but they say she should wake up literally any minute now. Once she does, they'll probably be able to tell us something more about her condition."
"Good." Emily whispered and realized how it must have sounded. "I mean not good that this happened, but good that she's going to be fine."
"Yeah, I know what you meant." Garcia said softly and it almost broke her heart to hear the sadness in Emily's voice when she was talking about JJ. She knew that Emily still missed the blonde and her heart was still broken, no matter how hard she was trying to convince everybody else otherwise.
"Can you call me when she wakes up?" Emily finally asked. "I'd like to know. I mean I still…" She started, but she wasn't really sure what she wanted to say or what she still did or didn't feel for JJ. "She's… I still care."
"Oh I know you do, honey. I know you do." Garcia replied and Emily could swear that the analyst was smiling gently. "You don't stop caring about someone just because they…" Garcia realized that she didn't really know how to finish that sentence, since she didn't know what it was exactly that had gone on between Emily and JJ. She knew it was bad and she knew that it had something to do with a certain detective that JJ dated briefly at the time, but she never really knew the details of why the two had broken up. Emily simply had left and JJ wouldn't talk about it.
"You can say it, Garcia." Emily sighed. "Just because they make you fall in love with them and then leave you for someone who supposedly is a safe and right choice." She finished and she immediately hated herself for bringing Garcia into the whole thing. It's not that she minded sharing things with her friend, but she promised herself that she wouldn't mope around and make other people feel sorry for her, because of what had happened between her and JJ. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"That's OK." Garcia cut her short. "It's hard not to think about her considering the situation." She added, but quickly decided that Emily probably didn't feel like continuing the conversation in this direction, so she decided to change the subject a little bit. "So how have you been?"
"OK." She replied, but Garcia knew it couldn't possibly be the truth. Though she decided to accept that answer, because there really was no point in making Emily tell her how she really felt. "I've learned to live far away from the city. And people for that matter too."
"It was tough on all of us when you left." Garcia told her. "It was especially hard on JJ." She added, but Emily didn't really want to hear it.
3 months earlier
"So you're just gonna leave?!" JJ asked trying to wrap her head around why Emily would make such a drastic decision.
"Why not?" Emily replied, trying to appear calm. "That's what you did."
"I didn't leave." JJ insisted and looked around Emily's living room where the brunette had put all the clothes she was going to pack.
"No, you just walked out on me. It's not that different."
"Yes it is." JJ almost cried. "Because I didn't just pack my bags and disappear to God knows where."
"Yeah well, it would have been a lot easier if you had!" Emily shouted and it was the truth. If JJ had just gone far away, she might have been able to get over what happened between them. But not when she had to see JJ day after day, work with her, talk to her, share hotel rooms with her… It was all just too much to take and Emily couldn't believe that JJ couldn't see what it was doing to her. Or maybe she did see and chose to ignore it, because she couldn't stand the fact that she was the reason for how crappy Emily had felt recently.
"Emily, please, think about this." JJ begged and Emily couldn't really understand why it was such a big deal for her. It's not like they were anything more than colleagues ever since the break up. Why would JJ suddenly feel so strongly about her staying or leaving?
"What's there to think about?" Emily said matter-of-factly. "I can't stay at the BAU and please don't tell me you don't know why." Emily stopped for a moment and looked intently at JJ. The expression on JJ's face told her that she knew exactly what Emily meant. "And if I can't stay at the BAU, there is really nothing that keeps me here."
"But…" JJ tried to protest, but she didn't really know what she was supposed to say. She didn't know how she was supposed to get Emily to stay without letting her feelings for the brunette resurface. She had learned to live with those feelings buried deep inside her and she couldn't jeopardize the stability she now had in her life by admitting how she really felt. She just couldn't.
"If you don't mind…" Emily looked at JJ meaningfully. "I have to pack."
"Emily, please don't go." JJ whispers and Emily can see the desperation in her eyes. But she decided that she wasn't gonna let that change her mind. She couldn't.
"Why?" Emily asked, almost sure that JJ was not able to come up with a good reason for her to stay.
"The team needs you." She spoke silently. "I…" she started and for a split second Emily thought that maybe JJ was finally going to tell her the truth about how she really felt. A part of Emily wanted to hear 'Emily, please don't go, because I love and I can't live without you.' And she knew that she would have stayed. Had JJ taken her in her arms and professed her love, Emily knew she wouldn't have been able to resist those beautiful eyes. Had JJ told her that she was finally over whatever it was that she had been going through and that that she was ready to be with her, Emily knew she would have taken JJ back. But she also knew JJ was never going to admit that, she was never gonna beg her to stay for the reasons that really mattered. Emily knew that JJ wanted her to stay and a part of her wanted to stay too, but a bigger part knew that there was no way she could continue to be anywhere near JJ and not get sick at the thought of the blonde sharing her bed with him. If JJ thought he was gonna make her happy, Emily was gonna give her that, because she wanted JJ to be happy, even if it wasn't with her. But she couldn't even begin to remember what happiness was if she didn't go somewhere far, far away.
"Please just go, JJ." Emily asked, because she knew that having JJ there was just going to make everything so much harder. And it was hard enough without those blue eyes looking at her all the time.
As JJ walked up to the door, Emily walked right behind her and as JJ turned around to face her again, Emily looked at her emotionally, in a way giving JJ one last chance to make this right. One last chance to tell her everything she needed to hear. But as she looked into JJ's sad eyes, she knew it wasn't going to happen.
"I'll miss you." Was all JJ managed to say as she once again stepped out of Emily's apartment into darkness, feeling like her world was slowly crushing down on her.
***
Chapter 4
Emily was looking at a plane ticket to Washington, DC that had just come in the mail from Garcia. The flight was all booked and there was a simple note from the tech analyst that said:
It's your choice,
G.
And it really was. A choice that she knew she had to make, but so desperately didn't want to. When Garcia told her about JJ, something inside Emily broke. She still hated JJ for what JJ had done, for walking out on her, for choosing him over her, for almost completely destroying her. But most of all she hated JJ for making her care so much. For making her fall in love with her and then stomping all over her heart. Emily had desperately wanted to stop caring, yet she couldn't. She couldn't just turn it off. No matter how much JJ had hurt her, Emily could never stop caring.
So when thoughts of unconscious JJ lying in a hospital bed flooded her mind, she knew what she had to do.
***
"Emily!" Garcia exclaimed as she saw her friend walking along the hospital hallway. "You came." She smiled at Emily softly as she stood up to give Emily a hug. Emily sat down next to Garcia.
"Garcia, who are you kidding?" Emily sighed. "You knew I was gonna come, didn't you? That's why you sent the ticket."
"Guilty as charged." Garcia admitted. "I'm sorry if I pushed you, Emily. I just figured you'd wanna be here."
"It's OK, really." Emily replied. "And you're right, I do want to be here." She took a moment before she continued. "I need to be here. I don't know why or what for, but I need to be here."
"Hey, Prentiss!" They suddenly heard Derek's voice. "Good to see you." He said and sent a small smile towards his former teammate. He walked up to her and Garcia and Emily stood up to give him a hug. Derek didn't know the whole story between Emily and JJ, but he knew enough to know how difficult it must be for Emily to be there.
"You too." Emily smiled back. "How are you? I heard you got a little banged up too?"
"Oh I'm fine." Derek answered and it took Emily a moment until she finally asked the question she had been dreading to ask.
"How is she?"
"Not much change since we last talked." Garcia started explaining. "She's still unconscious, but they say she should wake up any moment now. Her vitals are stable, so they don't see any reason why she shouldn't wake up soon."
Emily only nodded as she sat on the chair again. She buried her face and her hands and sighed deeply. She suddenly realized how exhausted she was, but she knew that trying to get any rest would be futile anyway.
"Hey, are you OK?" Derek asked concerned as he saw the expression on Emily's face.
"Yeah, it's just jetlag, that's all." She replied. "I'll be fine."
"Where is your stuff? Did you bring any? Where are you staying?" Garcia kept bombarding Emily with questions as she too was worried about her friend.
"I brought a bag, but I swung by my apartment to leave it there."
"Your apartment is still empty?"
"Yeah. My friends sometimes use it when they come to DC, but other than that I just haven't had time to deal with that."
"Did you get any rest?"
"I did a little on the plane, but other than that not so much. I mean I considered a nap when I was at my apartment, but I couldn't sleep. I was… you know… too nervous."
"Yeah, I can imagine." Garcia smiled sympathetically. "Let me at least get you some coffee, OK?" Garcia offered.
"Sure." Emily agreed.
Garcia turned to Derek and grinned. "Would you mind?"
"One coffee comin' up." Derek stood up and went towards the hospital cafeteria.
"So, you hanging in there, Prentiss?" Garcia asked after a moment.
"I'm trying to, Garcia, I'm trying." Emily sighed. "But to be honest I don't even know how I'm doing or why I'm doing what I'm doing." And she really didn't. The last couple of days had been like a blur. Getting the phone call from Garcia, getting the ticket, wondering what to do, trying to be strong enough and not come… But she just couldn't. She had to come, she had to see JJ, even if it was to get her heart broken all over again. But JJ was lying there alone and Emily couldn't stand that thought. Even after everything that had happened, she couldn't stand the thought of JJ waking up and her not being there when it happens. And regardless of what JJ did or didn't feel for her, Emily just had to be there for her, she had to.
"Would you like to see her?" Garcia suddenly asked and the question made Emily froze for a second. She didn't even know why, because it made sense that since she came here, she would go and see JJ. Yet the idea scared her to death.
"They'll let me?" She asked, not really totally sure what answer she was expecting to hear.
"I'm sure they will. I mean they let all of us in to see her." Garcia stood up. "I'll go find the doctor and ask, OK?"
"OK, thanks." Emily replied and watched Garcia walk away. A second later she noticed Derek coming over to her with her coffee.
"There you go." He handed her the cup.
"Thank you." She smiled weakly as she took the cup from him. "I appreciate it."
"Don't mention it." Derek answered and looked at Emily with a more serious expression on his face. "So, you're going in to see her or what?"
"In a minute I guess. Garcia went to clear it with the doctors. "
"Oh." Derek nodded and put his arm around Emily. "You're gonna be OK, Prentiss."
"I hope you're right." She took a deep breath as she realized how terrified she was of seeing JJ again after all those months. Suddenly it occurred to her that there should be someone else here anxious to see JJ or already by her side. Emily knew Rossi and Hotch had to be at work, but where was Will? For a moment she kept wondering whether she should bring him up at all, but she decided she couldn't avoid the subject forever.
"When is Will coming over?" She finally asked, not really sure if she was ready to hear the answer, let alone find herself in the same building as that man.
"He isn't." Derek answered and seeing the confusion on Emily's face, he added. "There is no Will anymore." Derek simply said and Emily didn't know what she was supposed to think about it. Or what she really thought, if she thought anything at all. Was she happy with the news? Not that it mattered anymore, anyway, she figured.
***
When Emily entered JJ's hospital room, she kept her eyes half-shut, because she was horrified of what she would see once she fully opens them. For a moment she kept looking at the wall in front of her and it took her a while until she lowered her eyes onto the bed. At first she just saw a shape on the bed and she didn't really recognize JJ until she brought herself to open her eyes and focus on the person lying in the bed instead of everything else that surrounded it.
Her stomach tightened as she took a full look at her former lover. She looked like she was sleeping and the only indication that she wasn't just simply asleep were the bruises on her face. That beautiful face. Emily thought that it was almost unnatural for such a beautiful face to be covered with those bruises. It was unnatural for JJ to be lying there at all. This was just wrong. It was wrong for good people like JJ to get hurt like this. Because despite everything that had happened between the two of them, Emily had no doubt that JJ was a good person. And she didn't deserve this.
Emily slowly walked up to the bed to get a closer look at JJ. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know whether she was supposed to say something or just stay silent… And do what exactly? She had no idea how to help JJ, no idea how to help herself… For a moment she just stood there looking at the woman she once loved so deeply, until she finally felt that her legs were giving out, so she took a chair and placed it on the left side of the bed. She sat down and continued looking at JJ when she felt tears welling up in her eyes. She realized this was just too much for her to take right now. Her heart started pounding and suddenly her mind got flooded with images of what might have happened if JJ had had more bad luck or had the bomb been a little better or had the paramedics not gotten there in time…
Feeling that she couldn't take it any longer, Emily stood up and headed for the door. But before she could leave, she heard something that almost made her pass out coming from behind her.
"Emily?"
***
Chapter 5
Emily held her breath and for a moment she thought that maybe her mind was playing tricks on her.
"Em?" She heard her name called again and now she knew that it wasn't all in her head. JJ was awake.
Emily breathed deeply, not really sure what to do. All of this was hard enough with JJ unconscious, but now that the blonde had woken up, Emily was in a state of absolute panic. She knew she couldn't just leave the room, because JJ had to know that she had heard her. And a part of her desperately wanted to turn around and just take JJ in her arms thanking God that she was OK. But she knew she couldn't do that, so she slowly turned around and walked up to JJ's bed to make sure that the blonde was indeed awake.
When her eyes met JJ's, her heart melted as she saw a tiny smile spreading across the liaison's face.
"Welcome back." Emily said with a sigh of relief. She noticed that JJ was trying to say something, but she couldn't get the words out. "Don't speak." Emily asked as she inadvertently touched JJ's hand with hers trying to calm her down. She realized how much a simple touch of hand still affected her. "I'll go get the doctors." She said and hurried out of the room. And she hated herself for thinking that it was all too fast, because after all, JJ woke up and how could that ever be too fast? This was wonderful news and she should be relieved. And she was, of course she was. But at the same time she couldn't help feeling that she wasn't ready for this.
***
Garcia, Derek and Reid went inside JJ's hospital room and excitedly gathered around her bed. JJ sent a small smile their way as she was trying to see where Emily was. But she wasn't there, so maybe it indeed was a dream.
"Oh I'm so happy you're awake." Garcia squealed. "You gave us quite a scare." She hugged her friend gently.
"Sorry about that." JJ replied, though everybody knew it wasn't really her fault.
"You look good, girl." Derek chimed in and JJ laughed.
"I'm sure I do." She said sarcastically and she realized her ribs still hurt a little when she laughed. Fortunately nothing was broken, she was just a little banged up. She could live with that. Of course the doctors were supposed to run some more tests later, but so far everything looked good and there was nothing to worry about that. That gave JJ great comfort, not just for herself, but for her friends as well, because she knew how concerned they were about her.
"So how are you feeling?" Reid inquired after a while. He hoped his friend wasn't in too much pain.
"I've been better." JJ smiled. "But I'm OK. My muscles are a little sore and my hand hurts like hell." She shifted her sight onto her right hand with a couple of stitches. "But they say it should pass within a couple of days, so I'm not worried. I wish I could get out of here right now."
"Yeah, I bet you do." Garcia smiled. "But don't you even dare try anything. You're supposed to be on bed rest until they tell you it's OK to get up. Understood?"
"Yes, ma'am." JJ replied with a smile. All three of her friends were relieved to see the smile that they had missed so much. Even though the doctors had told them from the beginning that JJ should be fine, naturally they still worried. Less and less, though, now that they were able to talk to her again.
***
Emily kept staring at the door to JJ's room. She was glad the others had gone in first, because that gave her some time to prepare for what was inevitably coming. After all, she had come here, so she knew she was going to have to face JJ and talk to her, but she had no idea how to go about it yet. She didn't know what she wanted to say or what she was supposed to say. But she did know that she needed to see JJ and make sure that she was alright.
When she saw Garcia, Reid and Derek leave JJ's room, she knew that they did that to let her be alone with JJ. A part of her was glad about that and a part of her just wanted to kill them or take them back with her.
"Hotch and Rossi are on their way." Derek explained. "But you can go in and see her now if you want." He added and Emily knew that she couldn't just put it off forever.
"Yeah." She smiled weakly and headed towards JJ's room. Before she opened the door, she took one more deep breath, although she really didn't think it was going to help.
When Emily entered the room, JJ turned her head to look at her former lover. A smile appeared on JJ's face and Emily could swear that her eyes lit up a little. Or maybe she was just imagining things.
"You're here." JJ whispered affectionately. "I thought it was all a dream."
"It wasn't. I'm here." Emily replied, still not sure how she was supposed to behave around JJ. She looked so fragile that Emily just wanted to take her in her arms and protect her from the world. But after everything that had happened between them, Emily couldn't bring herself to do that. Hard as she tried, she still wasn't over what JJ had done.
She took one step closer towards the bed and her hand was now almost touching JJ's. JJ could feel how close Emily was and she almost held her breath.
"I'm glad you came." JJ whispered. "I just wish I hadn't had to be blown up for that." She laughed.
"Don't, JJ… Just don't." Emily begged. "You know why I didn't come sooner. And you know why I left in the first place."
"I know, I'm sorry." JJ said with a sad expression on her face. Emily could see how uncomfortable JJ was and that she didn't really know what to say either.
"How are you doing?" Emily finally asked.
"I'm OK." JJ only smiled softly. "At least I will be in a couple of days."
"Are you in any pain?"
"Not right now. My hand hurt a little before, but they gave me some painkillers, so I'm good for the time being."
"Good." Emily replied as she kept looking at JJ with such intensity that it almost scared the blonde. "I'm so sorry this happened to you, JJ." Emily finally said and it was the truth. She was angry at JJ, she had been for some time now, but she would never ever wish anything like that on her. And it really was killing her that JJ had gotten hurt.
"I know you are." JJ smiled and she knew that no matter how angry and upset Emily was with her, it was still hard on her. Because JJ knew Emily and knew that she was a good person and she knew that Emily still cared. Even if she no longer loved her, she still cared. For a moment they kept looking at each other, wondering what else should be said, until finally JJ continued. "You look good, Emily." And she really did. JJ could see that Emily was a little tired, probably jetlagged, but she still looked beautiful. Just as beautiful as JJ remembered her.
Emily realized that the conversation was going in an undesirable direction for her, so she decided it was time to end it for now. "I'll let you get some sleep, OK?" She smiled softly. "You've had enough excitement for one day."
JJ wanted to scream for Emily to stay and be there with her, but she knew how hard it was for Emily, so she simply said, "OK."
Emily headed towards the door, but before the left, she could hear JJ calling after her.
"Emily?"
"Yeah?" She turned around.
"Will you… will you come by again?" JJ asked in a hopeful voice.
"Of course I will." She replied, as there was no doubt in her mind that she would be back. She knew she couldn't just stay away from JJ.
When Emily left the room, she noticed the rest of the team, plus Rossi and Hotch, who apparently had arrived, talking to the doctor. Before she walked up to them, the doctor left, leaving the group more than concerned.
"What was that all about?" Emily asked, a little worried herself, because obviously whatever the doctor had told them was about JJ.
"The doctor had some news about JJ." Garcia explained. "Apparently she suffered temporary damage to one of the nerves in her arm. I keep forgetting which one…" Garcia stopped and tried to come up with the name, but she decided that it really wasn't that important. "Anyway, they warned us that for a while she might have very limited motor function in her right arm and that maybe it was a good idea if she had someone to help her around the house. It shouldn't be longer than a week, maybe two."
"We were trying to figure out how we should do this and all." Derek explained and as Emily was listening to everything they were saying, her head was spinning. And every little piece of her body kept screaming 'Emily don't do it! Don't you dare do it!', yet the words that came out were a whole different story.
"I can do it."
***
Chapter 6
As soon as the words came out, she realized what she had just done. But she couldn't back down now, she just couldn't.
"Are you sure?" Hotch asked.
"Yeah." She replied although she was far from sure. It was an impulse. JJ needed help, and Emily just couldn't ignore that. "It's not like I have a job that I need to do be doing." She explained and that part was actually true. "I can stay here a week or two, I was planning to anyway."
"Good." Derek smiled. "That should definitely make it easier on JJ." He added and he knew he was right. JJ was evidently very happy to see Emily, even considering the circumstances under which the two had parted ways.
"I'm gonna go to the doctor and get some details." Emily finally said as she left the group. When she was gone, Garcia sighed deeply.
"Oh this is killing her." She stated and the rest didn't even have to say anything, because their expressions clearly indicated that they agreed and felt really bad for Emily. And for JJ as well, for that matter. Why did things have to go so wrong with the two of them?
***
When Emily came back she saw Garcia alone drinking her coffee.
"Where is everybody?" Emily looked around to see if maybe someone from the team was there as well.
"Derek and Reid went to grab a bite, Hotch and Rossi are with JJ." Garcia explained. "Did you get any good information from the doctor."
"Yeah, I learned some stuff. Hopefully I will be able to do this."
"I have no doubt in my mind that you will." Garcia smiled energetically. "You can do anything."
"Yeah, right." Emily replied, but couldn't help but smile a little. After a moment she added, "I don't even know if JJ wants my help. I mean it's not like we were the best of friends recently." Emily sighed, pain simply oozing from her eyes.
"It was a difficult situation." Garcia tried to stay diplomatic on her statements regarding the issue. "But I know JJ still cares about you and she knows you care about her. I'm sure she she'll be glad you offered to help."
"I don't know." Emily buried her face in her hands for a moment, before looking up at Garcia. "It just feels… weird, you know?"
"Well, considering what you two have been through, there is no wonder." Garcia touched Emily's hand in a comforting gesture. "But I'm sure it will OK. It's just a couple of weeks, right?"
"Right." Emily agreed, but she knew it wasn't going to be OK. She knew it was going to be torture in some ways, but she couldn't just leave JJ on her own in a situation like this, she just couldn't. So if JJ would let her, she was going to be there for her.
"You're a good friend, Emily." Garcia finally told her. "JJ is lucky to have you."
Yeah, friend, Emily thought to herself. There was a time, a simpler time, where that was enough. She and JJ had friends, very good friends, but then everything had changed. And for a while it had been wonderful, the best time of her life, but then JJ had decided that she couldn't take this anymore, and everything had gone to hell. And now she was back to being JJ's friend, although she had no idea whatsoever what the hell it meant anymore. And she didn't know if she knew how to be just a friend to JJ. She knew that whatever had once been between the two of them was over, but still, she knew that they would always be more than just friends.
When she saw Rossi and Hotch leaving JJ's room, Emily thought that maybe it was a good time to go and talk to JJ. She knew she was going to have to do it sooner or later, so there was no point in putting it off. She just wasn't sure JJ was up to it.
"How is she?" She asked Hotch, when the two men walked up to her and Garcia.
"She's OK I guess. At least that's what she keeps telling us." Hotch smiled. "But you know JJ, she wouldn't tell us the truth anyway." He laughed. "But she seems to be doing fine."
"I know she'd like to see you." David Rossi finally said and looked at Emily intently. "If you are up to it?" He added.
"I think I can handle that." She replied, although she wasn't so sure she could. But she decided to be strong, because she figured that's what JJ needed her to be.
When she entered JJ's room, JJ had her eyes closed, but opened them as soon as she realized someone else was in the room. She felt a warm feeling in her entire body when she realized that the person was Emily.
"You came back." She whispered with a smile.
"I told you I would." Emily couldn't help but smile back at her. "How are you feeling?"
"Better, now that you're here." JJ answered, making them both slightly uncomfortable for a moment. "Rossi and Hotch told me about what you wanna do and I just wanted to tell you that you don't have to do this."
"I know I don't." Emily said and for a moment JJ got scared that she was going to change her mind. "But I want to." She added after a while. "I just can't… I can't let you go through all of that on your own."
"It's really not that bad." JJ sent Emily a reassuring smile. "It hurts a little, but that's all. The nerve thing should heal too, with a little bit of physical therapy. There is really no need for you to stay. I can take care of myself." JJ decided to give Emily one last chance to change her mind, although silently praying that she wouldn't.
"Oh I have no doubt that you can." Emily smiled. And she really had no doubt. JJ could do anything she would put her mind to, so Emily knew she probably would have been OK without her. But she just couldn't leave her. "But humor me, OK?"
"OK." JJ smiled weakly and added after a while, "So I guess you're moving in, huh?"
"I guess I am." Emily sighed. This was so not the way she had always thought she would be moving in with JJ, but since the other way was not happening, she would have to be OK with the situation for now.
"My purse is somewhere here, there should be keys to my place. You can take them if you want to take your stuff over there or something."
"No, I can do that when you're released and we're both going." Emily decided. "It's not like I need that much stuff anyway for a week or two."
"Right." JJ suddenly realized that it wasn't like Emily was really moving in or anything. She was just gonna stay there for a couple of days, as a guest. It shouldn't really be a big deal.
"I talked to the doctors earlier," Emily started, "and they say you should be good to go in about 3 to 4 days."
"Yeah, that's what they told me too." She took a deep breath. "I really got lucky I guess."
"Yes, you did." Emily agreed and tried to think of what else she should say to JJ. It was so hard to keep the conversation on a neutral ground, without mentioning what had happened between them or what their true feelings for one another are. But Emily knew she had to keep it that way if she wanted to keep herself from going crazy. She had to be strong and treat JJ as a friend, the same way she had treated her before she had acted on her feelings towards the blonde. It was going to be hard as hell, but she could do it. "OK, I'm gonna let you rest now. We've been bothering you long enough."
"You know you're never a bother, Emily." JJ said, hoping that Emily did indeed know that. But at the same time, JJ could see how hard all of this was being on Emily and didn't want to make it any harder on her. "Tell everyone thanks for coming by, OK?"
"Sure." Emily smiled and headed for the door, but not before turning her head around to look at JJ one last time.
"Emily?" She heard the blonde whisper.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you so much for coming." JJ said and Emily could swear JJ was about to cry. "It's really good to see you. I've missed you."
"It's good to see you too, JJ." Emily replied, consciously not admitting to JJ that despite everything, she had missed her too.
When Emily left, JJ let her tears fall, as she grieved for something she knew she had lost. For something she knew she had given up and was never going to get back.
***
Chapter 7
"Are you all ready to go?" Emily asked, as she entered JJ's hospital room with her discharge papers in her hand. "There's nothing keeping you here anymore." She smiled gently.
"Yeah, I'm good. I'm so ready to get out of this room." JJ sighed as she took her purse into her left hand and Emily grabbed JJ's bag and put all the hospital documents in it.
"Let's go then." Emily smiled and JJ stood up. For a moment she got a little dizzy and Emily shot her a concerned look. "Are you sure you don't want the wheelchair?"
"You have asked me that 10 times before, so for the 11th time, no, I do not want a wheelchair." For a moment Emily thought that JJ was going to hit her or something.
"OK, OK. Just checking. I just wouldn't want anything…"
"I'm fine, Emily." JJ assured her. "I really am. Except of course for my arm, which seems to ignore what I want it to do," She laughed, "but I knew it was gonna happen, so that's OK. They took care of me here, you know?"
"I know." Emily almost couldn't believe how overprotective she was being. "I'm just worried, that's all."
"I know you are." JJ said in a soft voice. "But don't be. I hate to see you so sad." JJ added and for a moment they looked at each other in silence, their hearts beating a little faster, both realizing that this was going to be a tough couple of days.
"Everybody says 'hi' by the way." Emily broke the silence. "They wanted to be here, but they have a case in Ohio I think. And Garcia has to be, you know, available."
"Yeah, I heard about that case. By the way, have you met the person they found to do my job when I'm recuperating?"
"No, I haven't. Garcia wanted me to come by and check this new person out, but I…" Emily hesitated for a moment, "I just couldn't."
"Afraid that you might realize how much you miss the job?" JJ asked and Emily was amazed at how easily the blonde could still read her mind. She had always been able to do that.
"Maybe." Emily replied, but they both knew this was precisely the reason why she couldn't take one step into the BAU office.
When they got into the parking lot, they walked up to the car and Emily put JJ's bag into the trunk, next to hers.
"You got a new car?" JJ asked curious, knowing that this clearly wasn't the ride Emily had driven before.
"It's a rental." Emily explained. "I sold my old car when I left, but never felt like I needed to buy another one for, you know, here."
"Oh." JJ nodded and for a moment things got a little uncomfortable again. JJ realized that Emily's stay in the US was really only temporary. Everything from Emily's small bag, to the way the brunette would look at her kept telling JJ that Emily had no intention of staying. And now the car in a way confirmed that. But then again she did know that Emily had never gotten round to getting rid of her apartment.
They got into the car and the first couple of minutes of the drive were done in silence. It felt so strange for them to be in a car together, like they had been so many times before, and to feel this tension between them. Of course they both knew why the tension was there, but they wished it could just go away and that things could go back to the way they were before… everything. JJ was the first one to speak.
"Did I ever tell you thank you for doing this?" She asked, wanting to make sure Emily knew how grateful she was.
"Yes you did." Emily smiled. "And it's no big deal."
"Of course it is a big deal. You're putting your life on hold to do this for me and I really appreciate it."
It's not like I have a life to put on hold anyway, Emily thought to herself, but decided that JJ didn't really have to know that particular fact. So Emily just smiled and said, "It's really OK, JJ. I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Oh, I forgot to warn you that I have absolutely nothing to eat at home, so maybe we should do some shopping?" JJ suggested.
"Actually I took the liberty of going grocery shopping this morning." Emily grinned. "Should be enough for a couple of days."
"You are a life savior, Emily Prentiss." JJ said with a gentle laugh and she sighed as she thought that she and Emily should have been going grocery shopping under totally different circumstances. Not with Emily being forced into helping her. JJ knew Emily was too good of a person to not help her, but this was so not the way she wanted to be spending time with Emily. Not like this, not with so much history between them, not after she had destroyed the best relationship she had ever had, destroying herself in the process. But she knew there was no going back. She had burned all the bridges and she was going to have to live the rest of her life with that notion.
The drive to JJ's apartment took another 20 minutes, although it seemed much longer to both of them. Being alone in a car like this was making them both anxious and a little uneasy. It was maybe a little harder than they had thought it would be.
"Well, here we are." Emily said as she got out of the car and opened the trunk. She took her and JJ's bags and followed JJ into the building. JJ had managed to take out her key out of her purse and was about to open the door.
"I have to warn you," JJ said before she went into the apartment, "It's a disaster there."
"I think I'll live." Emily smiled as she helped JJ open the door and they went inside. Emily placed the bags in the hallway and went back to the car for the groceries. When she got back inside and went into the living room, she saw JJ trying to carry her bag into her bedroom.
"Freeze right there!" Emily called after her with a chuckle. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Taking my stuff to my room." JJ replied shooting Emily one of the sweetest smiles, but she knew Emily was not going to be satisfied with that answer.
"And how exactly lifting heavy bags fit into the taking it easy idea?" Emily asked, looking at JJ with a more serious expression on her face.
"OK, feel free to take the bag then." JJ agreed and moved towards the couch. "I'm just gonna stay here and do absolutely nothing." She grinned as she sprawled herself on the couch.
"Which is the way it should be." Emily pointed out. "You just got out of the hospital and my job is to make sure that you don't do anything that is unnecessary or too hard for your condition."
"I'll have you know that my condition is very good." JJ insisted.
"Yeah, yeah, you keep telling yourself that." Emily laughed and went to the kitchen. A few minutes later she came back to the living room and picked up JJ's bag to take it to JJ's bedroom. When she opened the door and went into the room, her mind became flooded with memories of the times she and JJ had spent in that bedroom. Making love, talking, watching stupid movies on TV, having breakfast in bed… Some of the best moments in Emily's life were confined to the four walls of Jennifer Jareau's bedroom. But she knew those were memories of life past, life that could never be again, and she had to stop doing this to herself. Sometimes she felt like she had agreed to help JJ just to torture herself. After all, what did she expect? That she could just walk into JJ's apartment and not be haunted by memories of all the times she and the blonde had spent together? She would have been stupid if she believed that she could be in that apartment and not hurt, not feel like her heart was being torn out of her chest all over again.
***
Chapter 8
From the moment Emily agreed to help JJ out, she knew that this was going to be one of the hardest things she would ever have to do in her life. Just being in the same room as JJ was killing her inside, but to actually be in JJ's home alone with her was almost unbearable. To be this close to her and to know that everything that had been between the two of them was over was making Emily die little by little. Every minute she spent in that apartment reminded her of the life she always wanted to have with JJ. They had never actually talked about it and Emily now knew that apparently JJ never wanted the same things . Because Emily had wanted a life with JJ and JJ had wanted a life with Will. And even though Will was no longer in the picture, Emily knew that JJ had made her choice then and destroyed her and she had to learn to live without JJ. Which was of course really difficult since she was about to spend all this time living JJ's apartment. It had only been a couple of hours, how was she supposed to take it for days or weeks?
She sighed deeply as she took a seat on JJ's couch. "Crazy, crazy idea…" She muttered to herself, wondering how she was going to bear being this close to JJ and acting as her friend only.
"Did you say something?" Emily heard JJ's voice and almost jumped, hoping JJ hadn't really heard what she said.
"What? No, nothing." She replied quickly, a little nervous, which didn't go unnoticed by JJ, but she decided not to push the issue.
"Listen, I wanted to take a shower to wash the hospital off of me. Is that OK?"
"It's your apartment." Emily replied, a little surprised as to why JJ would need her permission to take a shower.
"I know, but I thought that maybe you wanted to…" JJ explained, becoming more and more nervous. "I don't really know what I thought…" JJ added and Emily noticed that the whole situation was a little uncomfortable for JJ as well. Emily could see it in her eyes. She was struggling to make things work, but Emily knew it wasn't a piece of cake for her either.
"I'm good, feel free to take a shower." Emily answered and a second later it dawned on her why JJ would tell her about wanting to take a shower. Crap! "Do you… Do you need any help?" Emily asked, terrified of what might happen if JJ says 'yes'.
"No, I'll be fine." JJ replied, a little flustered, thoughts of her and Emily in the shower together invading her mind. For a moment the memory became so vivid that she felt her cheeks getting flushed, praying that Emily wouldn't notice. "I learned all the tricks at the hospital." She explained with a smile.
"OK then." Emily agreed and JJ walked away and into the bathroom. Emily buried her face in her hands and sighed deeply again. Why in the world did she agree to do this? She never realized masochism was one of her traits, but apparently it was.
As she tried to calm herself down and figure out how to go about things for the remainder of the evening, she heard a loud thump coming from the bathroom followed by an angry 'Damn it!'
Oh this cannot be good, Emily thought as she stood up from the couch and quickly made her way towards the bathroom.
"JJ?" She asked through the door, worried about what might have happened. "Are you OK?"
"I'm just freakin' peachy!" Came the sarcastic reply and Emily couldn't help but laugh. She had always loved when JJ was being sarcastic. And even though Emily couldn't see JJ now, she was sure that her eyes got a little narrower, just like they always did when she was making a sarcastic comment.
"I'm serious, JJ." Emily suddenly came back to reality. "Are you OK there? Do you need me to help you with something?"
"I'm not really sure…" JJ answered and Emily could tell that JJ really did need help, but wasn't too comfortable asking for it.
"OK, I'm coming in." Emily finally decided, scared to death of what she might see inside the bathroom, but knowing that JJ needed some assistance and after all, that was what Emily was there for.
When she entered the bathroom, she saw JJ sitting on the edge of her bath wrapped in a towel with a grimace apparent on her face. Emily could hardly concentrate on anything else but JJ's 'outfit' and the part of JJ's body that the said outfit wasn't really covering, but she tried very hard to focus on the help that JJ needed.
"What happened?" Emily asked concerned, trying to figure out if JJ was in any way hurt.
"Funny thing really." JJ sighed, although it was obvious that it wasn't really that funny. "I tried to grab my shampoo with my right hand and support myself with my left hand, except that I forgot that my left hand isn't really working… So I grabbed the cabinet to stop myself from falling." She laughed and added, "Which obviously didn't work." JJ motioned for Emily to look around the bathroom where some of the contents of her cabinet were scattered.
"Did you hit your head?" Emily asked worried as she noticed JJ touching her forehead as if trying to feel something.
"A little bit." JJ replied, painful grimace still visible on her face. "But I'll be fine."
"Let me see." Emily gently removed JJ's hand from the blonde's forehead and looked at her head carefully to see if there were any signs of injuries. As she gently brushed her hand against JJ's forehead, she thought the felt the blonde shiver, but she figured it was because of the cold. Or at least that's what she chose to tell herself. "Looks like your head will indeed be fine." Emily smiled. "Did you hit anything else?"
"My hip. But it's fine." JJ insisted as she tried to stand up, but as soon as she did she winced.
"Yeah, I can see that." Emily laughed. "Come on, let's get you to the bedroom." She added as she put her arm around JJ. She shivered herself as she felt JJ's naked, still slightly wet body against hers. She had to try really hard to look away and not concentrate on what was underneath the towel that JJ was wearing.
When she finally lead JJ to the bedroom, she made her sit on the bed and took out one of her nightgowns out of the closet. And of course she just had to grab the one that she had seen on JJ so many times before. Why did every single thing in that apartment have to remind her of everything that she and JJ had once shared? Why couldn't she just let it go and move on?
"I'll let you get dressed and let me know if you need anything else, OK?" Emily smiled as she made her way out of the room.
"OK." JJ smiled back as she watched Emily leave. Once the brunette was gone, JJ changed into her nightgown and couldn't help thinking of what would have happened in a situation like this one if it had happened a couple of months ago. Both her and Emily knew that the towel would have been lost somewhere in between the bathroom and the bedroom because painful hip or not, they both knew Emily would never have been able to keep her hands off of JJ and JJ would never have been able to deny Emily that pleasure.
But things were so much different now. Whenever they touched, it was awkward and you could always cut the tension with the knife. There was so much history, so much tears and pain, things they didn't know they would ever be able to get past.
***
When Emily woke up the next morning, she was hoping the worst was already behind her and that she would never have to see JJ almost naked again. She soon realized that things were bound to get even more complicated soon.
She got up, put her robe on and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. It wasn't long until she heard angry groans coming from JJ's bedroom. At first they made her smile, but after a few more seconds she got concerned, so she walked up to the bedroom.
"JJ are you OK?" She asked through the door.
"Not really. I think I need some help." Came the reply. "Can you please come in here for just a second?"
"Sure." Emily opened the door to the bedroom and what she saw made her heart skip at least two beats. JJ was standing wearing her pants, her bra and a half-buttoned shirt. Oh why was God doing this to her?
"I'm sorry, I so didn't want you to have to help me with every little stupid thing, but I seem to keep having trouble remembering my temporary limitations." JJ explained and Emily desperately tried not to look at her breasts, but how could she not. "For some reason I thought that I would be able to make this shirt work with just one hand," JJ continued, "But I took care of three buttons and then it just stopped working and I can't button the rest of the shirt or unbutton the buttons I have already did to take the shirt off and it's driving me crazy!" She exclaimed and Emily could see how frustrating it was for JJ.
"Take it easy." Emily asked. "I'll do it." She offered although she knew that standing any closer to JJ than she already was would just completely crush her. But she took two steps closer towards the blonde, with her heart beating a little faster. She kept as much distance as she could, coming just close enough to be able to reach JJ's shirt. She slowly started buttoning up the shirt, all the while thinking that under 'normal' circumstances she would have ripped that shirt off of the blonde, the rest of the clothing for that matter as well, pushed her on the bed and made her scream her name in ecstasy in a matter of minutes, just like she had done many times before.
Emily knew that it was the slowest she had ever buttoned up a shirt, but she knew that once she's done, she was going to have to take her hands off of JJ's body and being the masochist that she was, she wanted the torture to last as long as possible.
JJ could feel herself trembling as she felt Emily's hands inadvertently brush against her naked stomach and chest. She knew she would never be able to forget this touch. She never had. And now Emily was so close, just inches from her and all JJ wanted to do was to push Emily against that door and kiss her senseless. But she knew she had blew her chance and now all she had left was secret longing and lonely nights, while the love of her life was so damn close, but at the same time so far away.
***
Chapter 9
"So what do you want for dinner?" Emily asked as she started bustling in the kitchen. It was the fourth night she was spending at JJ's apartment and she was surprised how quickly the two had managed to work out some sort of a routine. She would get up before JJ in the morning and make breakfast and then she would drive JJ to physical therapy. She would pick her up two hours later and they would either go shopping or grab a lunch. In the afternoon JJ tended to be busy, because even though she was technically not supposed to work, she couldn't help but go through some of the case files to help the girl who was filling in for her. Everybody kept telling her that she didn't have to do that and that she was supposed to rest, but she would always tell them that she was going crazy not doing anything and that she needed some work. So they didn't argue and just let her bury herself in the work for a few hours a day, if that was supposed to speed up her recovery.
Throughout the day they couldn't avoid incidents like the ones from the first day and they knew it. But they both decided to suck it up and squash their feelings, because they knew that was the only way they would ever be able to get through all of this. The occasional physical contact was almost unbearable, a reminder of something they both thought they had lost, but they knew that forgetting how much they both still loved each other was the only way to make it work.
In the evening Emily would cook dinner and they would eat and then they would watch a movie or just talk. They had gotten to a point where it seemed like they could actually talk to each other about different things without constantly being reminded of their failed relationship. Sometimes it even felt like the old times. Visits from other members of the team made things easier for sure, though, because being alone together in the evening made both of them too nostalgic sometimes, hard as they tried to pretend that things were fine and that they weren't haunted by memories of everything they had shared in that apartment.
"I don't care." JJ replied. "I'll eat whatever you cook."
"Are you sure?" Emily chuckled.
"Positive." JJ smiled. "I trust that you won't poison me?" She joked.
"You're just gonna have to risk it." Emily raised her eyebrows and walked up to the fridge to see what she could possibly make for dinner. Unfortunately after taking a look at the contents of the fridge, she realized that there really wasn't much that she could come up with. "I think I spoke too soon." She laughed. "There's nothing here." She explained. "You're one super hungry patient." Emily added with a laugh.
"Hey, it's not like I'm the only one eating the food, you know?" JJ shot back.
"I guess I'm gonna go to the store to do some shopping." Emily decided as she went into the living room, where JJ was sitting on the couch, and started looking for her car keys.
"I have a better idea." JJ proposed after a while. "It's late, so why don't we order in and we'll go shopping tomorrow? How does that sound?"
"I think I may be persuaded." Emily grinned. "So what are you in the mood for?"
"I don't care. Just order whatever you want."
"Chinese it is." Emily decided as she went back to the kitchen to grab a menu for a great local Chinese place that she knew delivered.
***
It was about 9pm and the two of them were almost done with their food. It turned out that they were actually a lot more hungry that they initially thought.
"Man, you sure eat fast." Emily said laughing, as she looked at JJ's empty container.
"Yeah, I was pretty hungry. Like the time…" She started, but she immediately bit her tongue. What in the world possessed her to want to mention that. She kept silent for a moment, but as she looked at Emily, she knew Emily was already thinking the same thing.
9 months earlier
"Damn, you're fast with your food, Jareau." Emily looked at JJ's empty plate which just a few moments ago was full of spaghetti Bolognese.
"I was told there was a reward waiting if I eat everything."
"Eat." Emily laughed, "Not swallow in one bite." She couldn't stop laughing.
"What can I say, I was a little impatient." JJ giggled, walked up to Emily sitting on the other side of the table and put her arms around the brunette.
"A little impatient?"
"OK, I've been very impatient." JJ admitted. "But have you seen yourself in the mirror today?" JJ asked referring to Emily's outfit, which included a very revealing red top. "You've been driving me crazy all day." JJ placed a hungry kiss on Emily's neck and gently brushed her lips against Emily's ear. Emily knew she wouldn't last much longer, but she decided to tease JJ for a little while.
"It's not my fault you have no self-control." Emily pointed out grinning.
"Oh I'll show you self-control the next time I wear something like that." JJ ran her hand across Emily's stomach in a very teasing motion. "This thing has to go." JJ grabbed the bottom hem of Emily's top, intentionally putting her fingers underneath it so Emily could feel them on her bare skin.
"I am eating." Emily tried to insist, but JJ knew that she was just doing this to torture her. And she knew it wouldn't be long until Emily gave in. It was going to take one little move, only one. Sure enough, when Emily felt JJ undo the clasp of her bra, she could no longer pretend that she was interested in the food.
Emily was terrified at how vividly she remembered JJ's touch on her body, every kiss the two of them shared, every laugh, every smile, every tear… Every case they had worked on together, every girls' night out or team's night out when they would steal glances at each other and kiss when they thought nobody was watching, since they both weren't that huge on PDA. Every time they fell asleep in front of the TV in the living room and would wake up in the middle of the night and argue who was supposed to get up first. Every time they argued about what movie they wanted to see or what type of take out to order. Every time JJ looked at her with eyes that so clearly said 'I love you', or so Emily thought. And every time they comforted each other when things got rough. The happy times mixed with the harder times, but always with hope for the future. Hope that Emily was sure she and JJ had at some point shared. Before JJ had killed that hope for reasons Emily couldn't fully comprehend. It was excruciating how real the memories still felt to her.
Emily looked at JJ and knew that the blonde was thinking about the very same moment that Emily was. Emily was sure this was the moment JJ had wanted to mention before she bit her tongue. The night Emily first told JJ that she loved her and even though JJ couldn't bring herself to say it back, Emily could see in her eyes that she felt it. Or at least that's what she thought then.
"I'm gonna go clean up." Emily finally said when she felt that the tension between her and JJ was just too much to take. She gathered the restaurant boxes and went to the kitchen to throw them away. When she was in the kitchen and sure that JJ couldn't see her, she leaned against the table and then finally sat down, because she felt her legs were going to give out any second. Why did JJ still have such a strong hold off her? Why couldn't the feelings just go away? Why couldn't she just kill them the way JJ had crushed her hope for the future? Emily didn't understand why she couldn't just stop longing for the life and the future she was never going to have. The life she had once been so sure JJ wanted to share with her.
***
The next morning JJ woke up to the sound of Emily making breakfast, just like she had in the last couple of days. But instead of staying in bed, like usual, JJ decided to get up and join Emily in the kitchen. When she walked into the hallway and caught a glimpse of Emily still in her robe, stirring something in a pot, JJ couldn't help but feel how right it felt to have Emily there. To eat meals with her, go shopping, go to the movies, do some work… The way it used to be.
8 months earlier
When JJ entered her apartment she was surprised to hear noises coming from the kitchen and it almost made her reach for her gun, but after a moment she saw Emily's purse lying on the cupboard in the hallway and she almost smiled to herself. She relaxed and made her way to the kitchen.
"What are you doing?" She asked grinning when she saw the brunette had finally noticed her at the kitchen door.
"I'm cooking." Emily explained, although she was sure it was pretty obvious.
"Yeah, I got that." JJ laughed, "But why?"
"Well I knew you had a tough day today with some of the media circus from the last case, so I figured I'd something nice to make you feel better." Emily smiled disarmingly.
"And for that you have broken into my apartment?"
"Honey, it's hardly called breaking in when the owner of the apartment has given you keys and told you to use them anytime." Emily replied and looked at JJ meaningfully.
"Good point." JJ couldn't help but laugh.
"And I know you, so I know you probably haven't eaten anything today." Emily continued, "I also know if I wanted to take you out, you'd tell me that you have no strength whatsoever to go anywhere." JJ had to smile at how well Emily knew her. "Hence my efforts here in the kitchen. The food is almost done, so jus go and do whatever you need to do before you can eat." Emily ordered and smiled at her. She loved bossy Emily. She also loved having Emily in her kitchen.
JJ smiled a bittersweet smile at the memory. God how she wanted a life with Emily, the life she had tasted before and was tasting now. And even though it wasn't exactly the way she wanted, since Emily was just visiting and helping her out, she knew that this was the life she was supposed to have. And this was the life she was never going to have, because she had been too damn scared to go after what she really wanted. And now it was too late. Emily had a new life, without her, and JJ knew she had no right to ask Emily for anything.
***
Chapter 10
"So how is she doing?" Emily asked Tom, JJ's physical therapist, when she came to pick up JJ after her physical therapy. Tom was a handsome young guy, not more than 25 years old, but he seemed to know his stuff, so Emily was confident that JJ was in good hands.
"She's actually doing fantastic." Tom told Emily. "Only two weeks of therapy and she seems to be making a lot of progress. Her muscles are working properly, she's regaining a lot of the motor function in her arm, so it shouldn't be long until she's as good as knew." He stopped for a moment and then continued. "Of course coming back to work in full capacity might be a whole different story, and she'd probably need to go through some additional tests, but she should be able to do all the regular things people do pretty soon." He smiled. "She seems to be well taken care of."
"Well, we try." Emily said, but somehow she had a feeling that Tom might have only meant her. After all, she was the one who usually drove JJ to and from physical therapy, with Garcia filling in once or twice whenever she could. Not that it really mattered who or what Tom really meant. The most important thing was that JJ was making progress in her therapy.
"Hey." Emily heard JJ's voice and saw the blonde coming towards her.
"Ready?"
"Yeah." JJ smiled and the two made her way towards the parking lot.
"So I've been talking to Tom," Emily started, "and I found out how well you're doing in your therapy."
"I seem to be doing OK. My hand feels better." JJ admitted. "I can even move my fingers now." JJ said proudly as she demonstrated.
"Well look at you." Emily grinned. "Congratulations. I think that calls for a celebration."
"What are you proposing?" JJ inquired curious.
"I know it's pretty early, but how about I take you out for a nice lunch in a fancy restaurant?" Emily proposed.
"Sounds like a plan." JJ smiled and they got into the car. And both wished that this could be a real date.
***
When they got back home, it was around 4pm and they were both very content with how their day had gone so far. The lunch had gone really well and they had spent a very nice early afternoon.
"Thank you, Emily." JJ said as they got into the living room.
"For what?" Emily asked, slightly confused.
"For today." JJ smiled. "The lunch and everything. It was very… nice." This wasn't exactly the word she was looking for, but she figured it would have to do.
"Well, like I said, it was a celebration." Emily mirrored JJ's smiled. "Plus I'm glad you're happy with me right now, because I did something that might make me slightly less popular." She admitted hesitantly.
"What?" JJ asked, looking at Emily curiously.
"You have to promise you won't be mad." Emily begged, but JJ only looked at her with a meaningful expression on her face.
"Emily?"
"OK, OK." She sighed and after a moment she revealed her plan, "I invited the team for dinner. I know I should have asked you first, but I wanted it to be a surprise. I'm telling you now in case you hate the idea, so that I have enough time to tell them not to come." Emily said and looked at JJ questioningly.
"No, it's OK." JJ smiled at the thought of people she considered her family. "I haven't seen them for a couple of days, so it will be nice. Thank you."
"I'm glad you don't hate me."
"I could never hate you, Emily." JJ said and realized that the conversation was becoming a little more serious, so she decided to lighten up the mood by asking, "You're cooking of course?" She grinned.
"Of course." Emily sighed with a gentle smile. "Although you're not as helpless as you used to be, aren't you, agent Jareau? Don't forget I have your therapist's phone number, so I will know exactly what progress you're making. Don't think I'll be cooking for you for the rest of my life." Emily meant it as a joke, but she realized this was the farthest thing from a joke. She knew she would gladly cook for JJ for the rest of her life if only things hadn't gotten so messed up between the two of them. JJ was apparently thinking a similar thing, because the expression on her face got a little more serious and she became somewhat withdrawn for a moment. For the umpteenth time, she couldn't stop thinking about how living with Emily, even for those short couple of weeks, had been a dream come true and how much she would give to make that dream a reality.
***
"So we've heard you're doing well in your physical therapy?" Derek asked as the entire team was sat at a table in JJ's living room and enjoying their meal. They were all very happy for JJ and excited that things were going really well for her health-wise.
"Yeah, it's been going OK." JJ admitted. "It's really a nice feeling when your hand start listening to your brain again." JJ laughed as she waved her hand to demonstrate how well the hand was behaving.
"That's just great, JJ. It's really great." Garcia said excitedly. "So when are you coming back to work?"
"That I really don't know, 'cause it's slightly more complicated." JJ sighed, as she really did miss the job and couldn't wait to get back. "But at least I can make myself a sandwich now." She added with a laugh and Garcia couldn't help but laugh as well.
"It's interesting how the simplest things can make us so happy." Reid chimed in and the expression on JJ's face was a clear indication that she indeed agreed with him.
"So how about a little toast?" Garcia finally suggested raising her wine glass.
"What are we drinking to?" JJ asked.
"You, of course, silly." Garcia smiled at her sweetly and turned to the rest of the team. "Let's drink to JJ and her light speed recovery. By the way JJ, you're no longer on pain meds, are you?"
"Thank God no!" JJ grinned as she took her own wine glass and raised it as well. After all, how could she not drink in honor of herself?
"We miss you over at the BAU, JJ." Hotch finally admitted and the rest agreed with him.
"I miss you too guys. And I miss the job."
"Yeah, I heard you've been going through more cases at home to help out than you did when you were actually working." Derek joked. The rest couldn't help but laugh.
"Well like I said, I really miss the job." She chuckled. "But it's gonna take a while until I come back." She sighed and added after a moment. "But feel free to drop in on me anytime. The door's always open."
"Yeah, she's gonna need some company once I'm gone." Emily said suddenly, and JJ realized something she desperately tried to avoid thinking about. She had been pushing those thoughts further and further back into her mind in the last couple of days, but she knew she was going to have to face them eventually. The truth was that she was getting better and she didn't really need anyone to help her out anymore. But she did need Emily. She needed Emily in her life and the thought of Emily leaving and never coming back absolutely terrified her.
***
Chapter 11
"So when are you leaving?" JJ asked, although she really didn't want to hear an answer to that question. But she knew she had to finally let Emily go. Emily was in the middle of JJ's living room packing her bags. She had a couple more days left, but she wanted to go to her apartment for a while to get some more of her stuff that she had originally left.
"In three days." She answered and looked at JJ. "Unless you need me to stay."
JJ wanted to scream 'YES', but she couldn't bring herself to do it. "No, I'll be fine." She said with a weak smile. She knew she had run out of excuses to keep Emily in the US – her hand was almost completely healed, she would be coming back to work soon, everything was back to normal. Except that her 'normal' should include Emily. She knew that more than ever and more than ever she hated herself for giving up the best thing that had ever happened to her.
"Don't worry, I'll be out of your hair this afternoon." Emily promised and JJ couldn't even bear to imagine how empty her apartment would be without Emily and her things. She had gotten used to having Emily's belongings here and there in the apartment, Emily's cell phone lying around in the living room, her jacket hanging on the backrest of a chair, her car keys on the coffee table. The way it was supposed to be and the way it would never be again.
"I liked having you around." JJ admitted and studied Emily's face intently. A small smile spread across Emily's face and quickly turned into a grin.
"Yeah, 'cause I cooked for you and cleaned your toilet." Emily looked at JJ, who started laughing, but Emily couldn't help but notice that there was something strange about JJ's eyes. Some sort of sadness that Emily couldn't quite understand at this point.
"You know that's not it." JJ said firmly, hoping that indeed Emily knew that. Even if JJ was unable to tell Emily how she really felt, she was hoping that Emily would at least know that JJ considered her a friend. Someone very special. "You've been a wonderful company, Emily." JJ finally added as she was looking with sad eyes as Emily kept packing and repacking her bag.
"You haven't been that bad, either." Emily winked at her and for a moment JJ thought Emily was going to add something else, but she didn't. JJ's head was spinning. She was trying to figure out whether she should say something, anything, ask Emily to stay, tell her how she really feels, beg her to forgive her… No, she couldn't do that. Emily would never forgive her, not after what she had done.
"Do you need any help packing?" JJ asked and couldn't help but feel that this was ridiculous. She so desperately wanted Emily to stay, yet she was offering to help with the packing. She was hopeless.
"No, I'll be fine." Emily smiled. "I don't have that much stuff anyway. I've only been here a few weeks."
Few amazing weeks, JJ thought to herself. Oh how she wished those few weeks could turn into months or years. She wished she could always be with Emily. Always. Why did it take her so long to realize that she loved Emily? Why wasn't she strong enough to fight for this love? Why did she try to be what everyone else told her to be instead of who she really wanted? Things would have been so different if only she hadn't been such a coward.
***
"So Emily's gone?" Garcia asked as she entered JJ's apartment and realized that none of Emily's things were there.
"Yeah." JJ said in a sad tone. "I mean she's still here, but she just wanted to take care of something in her apartment before she left. She's flying out tomorrow."
"And are you OK with that?" Garcia asked as the two of them went into the living room and sat on the couch.
"I have to be." JJ sighed sadly and Garcia could see how not OK JJ really was with Emily leaving. "It's not like I have a choice. I knew she was gonna have to leave sooner or later and that time has come now."
"But you don't want her to go?"
"Of course I don't!" JJ admitted.
"Why?" Garcia asked, but when she looked into JJ's eyes, she knew the answer. "Then you have to tell her."
"I can't." JJ protested. "I can't." She repeated with such sadness in her voice that it made Garcia's stomach tighten. She knew that JJ had screwed some things up with Emily, but she couldn't stand her friend hurting like this. No matter what had happened between JJ and Emily, Garcia could see so much love for Emily in JJ's eyes that she thought it was literally going to make her cry. "It's too late now, Pen. I fucked it up and Emily is never going to forgive me."
"You don't know that!" Garcia insisted. "You never know with those things."
"I know. I mean how could she forgive me after what I've done? I wouldn't be able to forgive if someone did something like that to me."
"Do what you want, JJ, but I'll tell you one thing – you'll never know until you ask her."
JJ sighed deeply as she buried her face in her hands. Was Garcia right? Could she risk everything by telling Emily the truth? Would she destroy whatever relationship she and Emily had managed to form since Emily came back? Or would she finally get everything she now knew she wanted?
***
Emily looked around her living room, where two of her packed bags lay on the floor. She almost couldn't believe that she was finally leaving. She knew it was going to happen someday, but somehow she thought that someday wouldn't come so soon. She had gotten used to living in JJ's guest bedroom and taking her of her. It wasn't the way she imagined living with JJ, but it was something and now she was about to lose it. She was about to leave and never come back and for some reason it scared her even more than it had the last time.
***
JJ stood outside of Emily's apartment, her heart pounding, her hands sweaty, her entire body shivering. She was trying to figure out if she had enough inner strength to do this. She was terrified of what might happen if she told Emily the truth, but she didn't know what she was scared of more – being rejected by the love of her life or spending the rest of her life wondering what might have been.
She felt heavy breaths escaping her chest as she tried to calm her heart, her attempts futile, though, because she couldn't remember the last time she was this nervous. She was sure that if she waited long enough, she was going to faint. Her legs felt like they weren't going to keep her in a vertical position for much longer. Finally, after taking another deep breath and saying a silent prayer, she rang the doorbell. When she heard footsteps on the other side of the door, her heart started beating even faster and for a moment she considered just running away, but before she could make the decision, the door opened and she saw Emily standing at the doorstep. She looked a little tired, from all the packing no doubt, but she was simply stunning. More beautiful than JJ had ever remembered, if that was even possible.
"JJ?" Emily asked totally confused seeing the blonde at her doorstep.
JJ looked at Emily intently and whispered in a very weak voice, because she could hardly get the words out, "I have to tell you something…"
***
Next part of Let Me Prove It To You.
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