Emily sighed heavily as she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Putting down her fork she rushed to grab it, knowing that if the buzzing didn't get her attention the damn thing would resort to squawking shrilly at her. She loved her job, and loved having an excuse to get out of dinner with her mother, but Emily was famished, couldn't it at least wait until after the salad coarse?
Ambassador Prentiss' eyes narrowed as she listened to the half of the conversation she could hear, a tight frown forming at the words 'I'll be there as soon as I can'. she forced it into a smile as her daughter looked up at her.
'Its fine darling' she said airily with a wave of her hand, 'I'll just have Jacob drive me home.' Emily frowned, pausing for a moment to see if her mother would catch her mistake.
'Mother?' Emily questioned, her tone taking on the low timber of worry. 'Jacob retired 5 years ago; Mr. Mattier is your driver now". To her credit, Ambassador Prentiss' smile never wavered, not even as she took a small sip of her wine.
"Of coarse he is dear, I know that." she insisted "too much wine" she added with a wink. "Go on, and I'll call Mr. Mattier." Emily nodded, picking up her bag and straightening her coat. She paused one last time to send another worried look at her mother before giving her a small wave good-bye and leaving.
'It's nothing' she told herself as she got into her car. 'Too much wine'. A chill went up her spine as she started the engine. A subtle weight settled into her stomach as she drove towards Quantico, her mother's words echoing in her head. 'I'll just have Jacob drive me home'
Emily was quiet through most of the briefing, though she was sure to nod in all the right places, and offer at least one idea while studiously avoiding the eyes of her lover. She knew that one look at JJ before she had settled and re-focused her mind would give it all away.
She could feel the blonde's gaze burning a hole in her head as she tried to
focus on the stats Reid was rattling off, ritualized killing and disposal of the victims, she repeated to herself, forcing her mind to stay on the case.
. . . I'll just have Jacob drive me home. . .
connection between victims unknown and is not immediately apparent.
. . . Of coarse he is dear. . .
Preliminary autopsies show unrestrained Un-Sub with allot of rage.
. . . Too much wine. . .
"Wheels up in 30 minutes" Hotch's voice came through the haze of her mind. This gave her just enough time to finish up her reports on the last case and grab her things, no team interaction involved.
JJ on the other hand took the few moments she had to discretely watch her lover while she took her time preparing coffee at the break counter. Her brow knit in worry as she took in the rigid posture of her lover's back, and the soft pursing of her lips. Subtle signs that not even the profilers around her would recognize unless they knew Emily as JJ did. Their few months together had given her an intimate knowledge of every plain and angle of Emily's delicate features, the light creasing of her eyes when she was amused, the tiny dip of her nose when she was trying to stay quiet, the fold of concentration in her brow when she was confused, or grasping at pieces to a puzzle. This expression, the one that was totally blank but for the tiny down word curl of her lip meant that dinner with her mother had not gone well.
Ok maybe worse that not well, JJ thought as Emily got herself settled on the plane without a word to anyone, and immediately dove back into her file of case notes. This did get the attention of Morgan, who asked JJ in a low murmur as he passed if everything was alright. JJ smiled lightly and nodded.
"Dinner with her mother" she offered with a shrug. "She'll be fine".
Un-Sub most likely a white male in his mid to late 30's, Emily noted in her file.
I'll just have Jacob drive me home. . . her mind responded.
Position of victims post mortem suggests that the Un-Sub may imagine a relationship with his victims, and feels guilty about what he has done.
It wasn't the slip that concerned Emily. . . Of coarse he is dear.
It is possible the the victims are picked based on interactions with Un-Sub in day to day life.
Too much wine. . . it was the cover up that caused the most concern, as though it hadn't been the first time.
Detailed account of victim's last hours needed.
"How was dinner?" Emily struggled not to jump as JJ's voice interrupted her thoughts. Emily took a breath and then smiled at her.
"Well, the two bites of salad I had were delicious" she answered with a wink, quickly glancing about the plane to be sure that no one was watching before reaching for JJ's hand and giving it a quick squeeze. She dropped the hand and turned back to her file, hoping that JJ would not push the issue here. She sighed in relief when JJ leaned back, having gotten the message and opened her own file to start developing a media plan.
"I'll make it up to you when we land" JJ whispered. "I grabbed the last two cranberry muffins from the cafeteria on my way out. Your favorite." Emily smiled widely, truly touched by the thoughtfulness of her girlfriend, thankful that even without the details of what was bothering her, JJ could make her feel better. "You totally want to make out with me right now don't you?" JJ whispered, making sure to keep her head down as though she were working and not flirting with her girlfriend. Emily let out a small puff of air in a silent chuckle.
'Well don't I always?" she whispered back, the corner of her eyelids crinkling in silent laughter. Emily coughed lightly, clearing her throat as she got back to her file. Trying hard to keep her eyes from misting over. Would the memory of this conversation be with her always? What about the more important ones? Her and JJ's first date? First kiss? First night spent together? What about the memory of JJ herself?
After the death of her Grandfather, Emily had entertained the idea of one day suffering from the same slow death she had witnessed him sink into, had wondered if her eyes would slowly dim and loose their spark just as his had. Had even wondered if she would have to watch it take her mother as well. But that had been years ago, Emily had still been a care-free teenager, with no concept of the future, no real understanding of what was at stake. Now with JJ's heat radiating towards her from where the young woman sat, Emily could think of nothing else. Her heart clenching as she imagined her mother never knowing JJ, never knowing any Grandchildren she and JJ may choose to give her. Her heart all but stopped at the thought of JJ being in her position one day. The long goodbye, they called it. A gentle name for an excruciating experience.
"Did we get ID's on any of these victims?" Morgan asked from his seat near the front of the plane. JJ
glanced at her watch, and then gathered the contents of the file in front of her.
"I just got these before we left" she told him, standing to hand the file over. "Only 4 of the 6 victims were identified." Morgan nodded, skimming through the information in front of him.
"It is possible that the Un-Sub is taking measures to make sure that the victims won't be missed." Reid chimed in. Morgan shook his head.
"That wouldn't be easy, all of these women are notable members of the community, a retired ADA, an investment baker, a few are from affluent families and are big on the charity circuit."
"So unless it was feasible that these women would leave on their own, it would be a tough sell" Hotch concluded. "Alright, it's late, so we'll check into our hotels to catch a few hours sleep and start fresh in the morning. Prentiss, I want you to talk to the families of the identified victims, we need to know of any connections between all of them, and an account of their last known activities. Rossi, Reid and Morgan, you can walk through the dump sight while JJ and I check into the precinct and see what we have for media coverage."
"We have vehicles waiting for us at the Field office, we can pick them up as early as 6am" JJ informed the team.
"You think that's where our UnSub picked his victims?" JJ asked.
"Not the victims" Emily said, her brows coming together in concentration. "Their families" she gasped. JJ barely had time to react before Emily bolted out of the room, storming across the precinct bull pen to the board room where the rest of the team sat, JJ hot on her heals.
"It's not the victimology of the actual victims" Emily stated, out of breath as she entered the room. "It's their families we need to profile" she gasped, ignoring the concerned looks of the team as they took in her bloodshot eyes and red face. None of them had even considered the possibility that Emily cried, let alone the possibility that she would do it in the field.
"Did we miss something?" Morgan asked, though it was uncertain if he was referring to Emily's revelation on the case, or her obvious state of emotional upheaval.
"Support groups" Emily said, her tone suggesting that he should know that, her tear blurred mind growing frustrated with its inability to accurately relay her thoughts. "The families of terminal patience often go to support groups to help with the letting go and grieving process." She stated. "we already figured that the Un-Sub had someone in their life who fit the victim profile, all of these women share socio-economic backgrounds, Hold powerful positions with their jobs, and all are dying. I think the angel of death archetype still applies" she said, her voice growing louder, her eyebrows almost meeting her hairline as she begged with her eyes for someone to get what she was trying to say. "It's an angel of death but not for the victims, for their families. He's trying to save them from what he has gone through or is going through with a family member"
"You think that he meets the family at these support group meetings and then stalks and kills their ailing family member?" Rossi confirmed. Emily almost sighed with relief. Hotch nodded.
"I think it's the best theory I've heard" he agreed. "Reid and Morgan, I want you two to talk to the families, and get the names, dates, and place of any group they may have attended." Reid and Morgan stood to leave, but Emily interjected.
"I'll do it" she said. "I've already spoken to them, they know me" she added. Hotch shook his head lightly and shot her a reproachful look. Silence settled for a moment before Morgan and Reid started moving again. Morgan sending Emily an apologetic look as he passed her and left the room.
"JJ and I will go talk to the locals about warrants for the support group member lists" Rossi said. JJ cast a concerned look at her lover before nodding lightly and following Rossi out. Emily refused to meet Hotchner's gaze, Instead inspecting with great interest the carpet near her feet.
"You're upset" Hotch finally said quietly. Emily turned her head away from him, hoping he didn't see the roll of her eyes.
"I am fine" she told him firmly. Taking a deep breath and turning to face him. Hotch studied her face carefully for a few moments.
"I trust that you would tell me if there was something to prevent you from being objective on this case." Emily's eyes narrowed as she looked at him.
"Of coarse I would" Hotch didn't look so sure. Emily sighed. "Are you ordering me off the case"
"I don't want to do that" Hotch told her, making sure to catch her gaze and convey the seriousness of the situation. "Go clean up, get something to eat, and then man the phones with the locals to try and get those ID's confirmed." Emily nodded slowly and moved to the door, A rumbling feeling in her stomach the likes of which she hadn't felt since she was a child called to the headmaster's office.
***
A warm shower, crisp new clothes and a light lunch of fruit salad and yogurt later, and Emily couldn't help but admit that Hotch was right, that it was just what she needed to get her professional face back in place.
To top it all off she had something, the possible ID's of their two Jane Does. The families were on there way to the morgue to confirm, and Emily had every intention of being there to offer her support and question them about their loved one's last days.
A large group of people moving towards the interrogation room stopped her. Morgan and two local police officers were leading a cuffed man through the bullpen, Reid, just joined by Rossi and Hotch trailing behind.
"We have a possible?" Emily asked Reid as she joined the procession. The young man nodded.
"There were three from the information we got, but when we presented one of the organizers with a rough profile, he pointed us to him" Reid told her. "Colin Simon" he added. "We did a search of his car, found a possible match to the ligature used on all 6 victims; CSU is going over it now for any transfer evidence." Emily watched silently as the tall clean cut man was ushered into the small cement interrogation room.
"Any luck with the ID's?" Hotch asked as they moved into the observation room.
"Uh, yeah, we've got possible, the families are on their way to make the official ID." Hotch nodded.
"You should get down there" Hotch told her, Emily nodded back, ready to tell him she was on her way when Rossi piped up.
"Reid can do it" he said "I think Prentiss should do the interview." Hotch and Emily turned in unison. Staring blankly at the old profiler in confusion, Rossi shrugged. "He wants to confess" Rossi predicted. "But he won't out of guilt, he'll want to tell a sympathetic ear, he'll want confirmation that his work has helped and is appreciated"
"And what makes you think I can do that for him?" Emily countered.
"How's your mother?" Rossi asked. The hair on the back of Emily's neck bristled. Anger flooding her veins,
"She's fine" she told him, struggling to keep her voice even. Rossi shrugged again.
"Well, I don't claim to know anything about you" he told her in his infuriating manner of pretending not to know the pain he was causing. "I just assumed"
"Well you shouldn't have" Emily shot back, receiving a stern look from Hotch.
"Dave" he said lowly, pulling Rossi with him to the corner of the room. "I don't know that that's a very good idea."
"I have faith that she'll keep it together" Rossi told him. "She's too proud to do any different." Hotch sighed. Hating that the older man was right, Emily echoed his sigh, unhappy about being discussed as though she weren't even in the room. Hotch locked eyes with her, compassion looming behind his professional exterior even as he nodded towards her while gesturing to the man sitting calmly on the other side of the glass.
Colin Simon was a thin man, his face creased, hair peppered with grey. He was a man who looked as though the stress of the world lay on his shoulders. Emily gazed through the observation window, watching the graceful curve of the man's hands which lay flat and perfectly still in front of him. She took in the paleness of his skin, the pallor of a man who spent most of his time indoors. The tailored suit and the shine of his perfectly polished shoes spoke of importance and authority, his face was currently schooled to appear blank, and the small apparently serene smile was one that Emily recognized as the default face one wore at parties and socials they would rather not attend. Not overly friendly or inviting, but in no way rude or sour.
"What do we know about him?" Emily asked finally, not caring that the three men in the room were staring at her with worry etched on their faces.
"We're still pulling together the information," Reid informed her. "But the story we're getting is that he is an only child, the sole heir to his family's wealth. His father died when he was two, was raised, for the most part by his nannies and boarding schools, though those we spoke to at the grief counselling group suggested that his relationship with his mother was strained, almost volatile, that she was overbearing, far from generous with affection or praise, and expected nothing short of perfection from him." Emily absorbed the information with tightly controlled features, not wanting to give Rossi the satisfaction of confirming that he was right, that every word could just as easily be applied to her.
"His mother" she said "I take it she fits the victim type?"
"Yes" Reid replied. "Ten years ago Victoria Simon was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer's and deteriorated quickly, He's spent most of that time caring for her day and night" Emily was hazy on everything he had said after Alzheimer's. This man was ten years ahead of her in her own life. She kept her gaze on him, noting that for all the darkness in Colin Simon's head, there was no trace of it on him. She looked at his hands again, large and soft, hands that had cared for a mother he resented, the same hands that killed 6 other women. Is this what was in her future? Would the resentment, the abandonment, the anger, frustration, doubt and distrust compel her to follow this path one day?
Emily turned to face Hotch again, sending his what she hoped was a reassuring look. Slowly she turned to enter the interrogation room, allowing herself a quick glare at Rossi as she went. She took a deep breath as she reached for the door handle. Wishing suddenly that JJ was there. Knowing that she couldn't request her presence without raising a few eyebrows she pushed the thought away, instead thinking of JJ's warm embrace, the one that she would fall into tonight when this was all over.
"Colin Simon" Emily said by way of greeting and acknowledgment. The man looked up at her, his mouth moving to form a smile of greeting that did not reach his eyes as he rose to shake her hand. Emily took the offered limb and returned the strained smile, taking in the firm grip of this experienced mingler, and wondering how he could manage to keep up appearances at a time like this.
Because when all else falls apart, Appearance is all that is left. She answered herself. Knowing that her reaction to stressful situations was often the same.
"Pleased to meet you" Simon replied, seating himself as she did the same across from him. He kept his eyebrows raised, his mouth open slightly as a clear indication that he was waiting for her name. Emily smiled politely.
"Emily Prentiss" She told him, and then fell silent. Simon seamed displeased with the lack of information. Emily sat silently for a moment more, inspecting him discretely.
"The Agents who brought me in" he tried again. "They seam to think that I've done something wrong" once again Emily was careful not to react. Knowing that her lack of positive face want would cause him discomfort, that he would, as a result, start working for her acknowledgement. She needed him to want to tell her, to want her re-assurance.
"I am actually not here to talk about that right now" She said finally. Simon creased his brow in confusion, unsure of how to respond when she offered no further information.
"I am sorry Miss Prentiss" he sighed finally, his palm moving from the table in a gesture of offering. "But if that's so, why are we here?"
"It's Agent Prentiss" she corrected. "I am actually here to talk about your mother" Emily watched carefully as Simons reaction to the subject showed very subtly in the deepening wrinkles around his eyes, and the slight shifting of his hands on the table.
"I am not sure what Mother has to do with anything" he offered, his voice still friendly but now holding the undertones of stress.
"I was told she isn't doing so well" Emily answered.
"I am afraid that's old news, she hasn't been well in ten years"
"That doesn't seam to upset you too much"
"I have come to terms with it, at this point it will be a relief when she does decide to move on" Emily chose this moment to soften her eyes a bit. This action seamed to calm Simon, and his hands returned to their still position on the table in front of him. "It sounds heartless I know, but with a disease like this it's like she died years ago"
"You don't know the woman who's here now" Emily offered, by way of trying to show him that she understood. Simon nodded, taking in the extra emotion that Emily was pushing to the surface.
"You have some experience with Alzheimer's?" Emily nodded in confirmation. "Someone close?" he questioned. Through the Emotion she was evoking, Emily saw her opening and took action.
"That really depends on your definition of close I suppose" She muttered, adding just enough sarcasm to her voice to make the statement sound off handed. Simon nodded and pushed his right hand closer to her on the table.
"That is always the hardest" he told her "All obligation and no love" Emily tried to keep the shiver from her spine at his words, and forced herself to choose her next words carefully, knowing that his trust was building, and that she would have to keep earning it, would have to prove to him that she could understand him.
"Obligation is second nature in a family like mine" Her words, though chosen for the express purpose of connecting with Colin Simon scared Emily; they were chosen carefully and yet not entirely un-true.
"Ah yes, appearances being worth as much as they are." He was right. Emily knew first hand the bitter sweet sting of her mother's affection, of being a young girl and knowing that the hug and praise she just received was for the benefit of on lookers. Being 17 and knowing that she would have to eventually break the heart of the boy sitting beside her at her mother's parties.
"And the appearance of love is more exhausting than anything else." she told him honestly, though her voice stayed even. Emily was desperate to keep her distance. And yet, on some level she knew. Knew that everything she was feeling was somewhere locked away behind what Colin Simon had done. she had no choice but to share that with him." all of that animosity starts to bubble and It all starts to build up inside of you" Simon's eyes softened still, his mouth curving into a small smile of understanding. As he leaned closer Emily was hard pressed not to jump away.
"Do you have dreams" The question had not been what Emily was expecting, and she frowned with confusion. "Dreams of waking up into a world where you didn't have to pretend, where you could do and feel anything you want" He clarified. "What would you do? What would you say if you didn't have to pretend?" What would she say? Emily couldn't help it; she glanced towards the mirror where she knew the others were watching. She opened her mouth to answer but nothing came out. Her head snapped back as she felt Simon's hand on hers.
"I don't know" she told him, pulling her hand away and resting it in her lap. Simon looked disappointed. And for a brief moment, Emily felt like she had let him down, felt like she had proved herself a coward. Who was she hiding from? The people behind the glass was the simple answer; Morgan, Hotch, and Rossi who would definitely know that she was loosing the control. Who would see her professional mask slipping, and the real Emily come forward, the scarred little girl Emily who only wanted the slightest acknowledgement from her distant mother.
"What would you say?" He asked again. And this time Emily could not stop the answer from leaving her mouth.
"I would say that I am angry" Emily blurted. she paused a moment, listening to her own mind screaming at her to amend that, to keep this man from thinking that she condoned his actions, to keep the people on the other side of the glass from thinking she were capable of it. “I am angry at her for not being able to love me" Emily swallowed the bile that rose in her throat as Simon smiled at her.
"Me too" He agreed. And then paused thoughtfully, leaning closer still. "What would you do?" Emily could only think of one thing she wanted to do more than anything at this moment. Yet through the haze of disgust, and her own surprise at herself, the professional in her saw her opening. Knew that she would have to answer the question as honestly as she had the first one in order to take advantage of it. She cleared her throat, and leaned in as well as though conspiring with the devil himself.
"Run like hell, what would you do?"
"Exactly what I did" Simon answered her, his hand once again moving closer to her over the table "I helped others where I could not help myself." Emily stayed stock still, as though any movement would knock Simon back into reality and make him remember who he was, what he had done, and that she was an FBI agent. His smile grew His hand making contact once again with her arm as he tried to show her comfort. "I saved people like you from their suffering" Emily took a deep breath, quelling all emotion on her face once again.
"You killed them" she prompted. Simon nodded, and then glanced at the two way mirror on the wall before looking back at Emily.
"I did it for you. For people like you, like us"
"I am nothing like you" Emily said forcefully, finally standing from her chair. "You're a coward"
"A coward!" Simon gasped. "The cowards are those who let themselves stay trapped in that obligation" he pleaded with her retreating form. "I am strong, I. . . "
"You tortured and killed 4 helpless women" Emily countered, spinning back towards him in anger.â€Sick women who couldn't fight back. You were so trapped in your obligation that you turned your rage onto women who reminded you of your own mother. Before returning to her bedside to plead with her, to beg that she remember you." Emily was yelling now. And somewhere in her mind she knew that if she got any louder, any more emotional that Hotch would come in a pull her out. And yet she couldn't stop herself. "Because no matter how much you resented her, no matter how angry you were with her you couldn't do it to her, you couldn't push her out of your life so permanently as to loose any chance that she might remember, might give you a glimpse of the love that you so desperately wanted." The door to the interview room opened behind her, and even with her brain screaming at her to stop. To hold on to her dignity and avoid Hotch having to physically pull her out of the room she continued. "Instead you took that chance away from the families of those women. You took them away before their sons and daughters could have that. you weren't saving them their suffering, you were making sure that if you couldn't have it, than neither would anyone else" She felt Hotch place a hand on her shoulder and violently shook it off, moving towards Simon to put her face so close to his that she could see the sweat beading on his forehead. "You" she told him, her voice deadly quiet now. "You Mr. Simon are the coward"
Rain darkened the streets, and from her position by the window of her darkened Hotel room, Emily could hear the slickness of the tires of the cars speeding by. She had lived on the west coast once. Her first assignment with the FBI had landed her in
Washington, and after 4 months Emily had applied for a transfer, promising herself that she could never live permanently where it rained so much. The east coast had its cold snaps, and its heat waves could never seam to settle on a mild climate, but at least it didn't rain all the time.
She reached out, pushing heavily on the window until it opened, bringing in the smell of the wet city. She reached over to the table beside her, her hands sliding over the smooth unopened package of cigarettes. She lifted it into her hands, taking in the feeling of the full pack. 20 tubes of calming nicotine lay neatly undisturbed in their carton. She had picked them up on her way back from the precinct. Had not even realised at the time that she hadn't had a cigarette in over 10 years, and had been simply holding the pack for the last hour hesitant to start up again.
Finally she tore the plastic away from the cardboard carton, and discarded it on the table; she pulled away the foil and pulled out the first one. Second from the left hand side, just as she always had. Without a second thought she completed the long missed action of placing the end between her lips and flicking the lighter she had bought to light it. She felt some tension ease as her mouth filled with smoke, and she pulled the end away from her mouth to inhale deeply, she had not missed this until today. Almost instantly though her lungs protested, and heavy caught pushing its way out of her chest.
"This better not become habit, I am not going to want to make out with an ash tray" Emily jumped, spinning to see the silhouette of her lover just inside the door.
"I didn't hear you come in" Emily gasped, bringing her free hand to her chest in shock, feeling the pounding beat of her heart.
"I didn't see you leave" JJ answered. Emily sighed and turned back to the window. "Hotch said you were pretty upset. I was worried"
"Sorry." Emily replied lamely, but stayed quiet, bringing her cigarette up to watch the bright orange cherry burn down the paper.
"I don't even think these are smoking rooms" JJ told her after a few moments, still not leaving her position by the door.
"If you don't like the smoke you have your own room down the hall" Emily snapped. Taking another drag.
"I was just making an observation" JJ countered, trying to keep her voice calm even as anger was bubbling in her chest as her lover's sensitivity. "I am sorry that Rossi threw you in with him, had I been there I would have. . ."
"Would have what?" Emily growled. "Told him, I am sorry but my girlfriend is having trouble being professional today, you should probably bench her?"
"You know that's not what I meant" JJ countered Emily took another drag of the cigarette and let the smoke out slowly through her nose. "I know you had a rough day, I am just sorry I couldn't have done more to be there for you" JJ added.
"I don't know why you would want to" Emily said, her voice still gruff, though less angry. "I am so fucked up." JJ moved closer to her now, moving away from the door and coming to stand just behind and to the left of the older woman.
"Maybe, but you're my fucked up girl" Emily shot her a look and the small smile vanished from JJ's face. "I am sorry, you're right, I shouldn't joke."
"It was easier than it should have been to connect with him" Emily said, looking back out the window. "It was easier than it should have been to put myself in his shoes."
"It was easy for you to imagine his life because it wasn't all that much different than yours." JJ whispered, reaching out to rest a hand on Emily's back. "But I know, even if you don't right now, I know that you are not capable of doing what he did."
Emily let a small smile grace her features for a few moments and leaned back against her lover's hand but said nothing. After a few moments she threw the half smoked cigarette out the open window in front of her and turned to kiss JJ softly.
"I don't like who I was today" Emily told her quietly. Resting her head on JJ's forehead. "I don't like what I was forced to look at, and I like even less the anger that it caused in me" JJ moved her hands around Emily's waist, pulling her into a tight embrace.
"You were pushed to your limit today" JJ told her. "For a woman who spends so much of her time compartmentalizing, there was allot of crossover between private and professional. So when your usual routine wasn't working anymore I think you reacted the way anyone would."
"I still don't have to like it" This last comment, though an entirely serious sentiment, was said with an air of playfulness that caused a waive of relief to flood through JJ's heart. Moving her head to look into her lover's eyes JJ smiled and kissed her again.
"I like you, even when you're not sure you like yourself, you can know that I love you, and that will have to be enough."
"Even when I taste like an ash tray?" Emily asked, moving in for another kiss. JJ moved her head back again, dodging the older woman's lips.
"Nothing a little toothpaste can't fix" she said with a smile. Emily chuckled a moment before growing serious again.
"I want you to meet my mother when we get back to DC" JJ nodded.
"Of course."
"I want her to know you Jennifer" Emily reiterated, moving her hands to cradle JJ's face. "If only for a few months, a year, Even if I have to re-explain every time you meet her, I want her to know you. I want her to know how happy you make me."
fin
***
Epilogue - set a few years later.
Emily stood for a long time in the darkened doorway to her home, her shoulders slumped and shaking. Through her tears she focused on the cold air from the still open door behind her, and its contrast with the warmth of the home in front. If JJ found her, she would worry, would assume that Emily had lost what little of her mind she'd been hanging onto these last few months. But the truth was that crossing this threshold, on this cold October day, at 2:39 AM was proving an impossible action for her to take right now. Her future lay ahead of her, her past behind. The meaning of this simple movement; the combination of relaxing and contracting muscles that would move her through the door way was astronomical to her in that moment.
She's unaware how long she stood. Only knowing that at some point the tears dried, and a heavy numbness settled in and still she stood in the door, watching as Ringo, the grey tabby kitten, stalked his invisible prey on the kitchen island in front of her. At some point, a light cough from the direction of the rooms upstairs caught her attention and gave her the strength to move forward. The door, finally, closed heavily behind her.
The kitten followed her movements up the stairs, batting at her white socks as they moved through the dark with slow determination, skilfully avoiding the creaky floor boards to the left of the hallway. She lightly kicked the kitten away as she reached the last door to her right. Her tears starting anew as she peered in. moonbeams through the window illuminating the tiny blonde head and pudgy hands of her son. Their son. Tomorrow she would have to tell him that his grandmother was gone. She would have to make him understand that she was never coming back. At three, he was too young to have to understand.
Emily moved closer, silently inching into the room and lowering herself to sit cross legged on the floor next to his bed. His tiny nose, rounded cheeks, and puckered baby mouth poked out from between the soft mattress and dinosaur covered blanket. She gazed at him, taking in his small even breaths, taking in the clean smell of his kids soap and toothpaste. He smelled of innocence. Sounded like possibilities, the future.
Her mother was gone. After long months and years of swinging between frustration, anger, ignorant bliss and quiet sadness, she had gone peacefully, her breath simply leaving her as Emily sat dutifully in the chair next to her bed. A shuddering breath ripped through Emily's lungs, and she tried to stop the sobs from escalating, not wanting to wake the sleeping child. But she could not leave him, not right now. Right now she needed the comfort of his presence, and the promise of the time she would have with him. She smiled through her tears as she watched his eyes moving rapidly, his small mouth curving into a smile.
When he awoke she would have to remember to ask him what he was dreaming about. At three, he rarely had a satisfactory answer, but Emily had been determined since day one to make sure the doors of communication were open. She wanted to know his dreams, his Aspirations; she wanted to know what he thought about the world, and how he perceived it. Though at the age of three; three and a half, she corrected as he was unable to do so while he slept; the answer to all of the above was probably cookies, or soccer, or dinosaurs.
Not for the first time she pondered how that would change. Would he become cynical, develop the dry wit and dark humour of Emily, or would he inherit JJ's determined to see the glass half full mentality? What would he choose to do, to be? He already had Emily's love of language. Even at three he picked up on the words she used around him and did his best to say them, to use them, would do his best to define them in relation to the words he already knew. A lion is a cat; can a lion be a pet cat? These are blue, but they are different. He liked definition. Dodo, l'enfant do, L'enfant dormira bien vite, Dodo, l'enfant do, L'enfant dormira bientôt., what does it mean mama? It means you will sleep well, and that you will be safe.
Emily took another shaky breath as she imagined the conversation they would have tomorrow. What is passed away? How does one explain death to a three year old? Even a precocious one like their son could not possibly have the capacity for such permanence.
She was hesitant, knowing that an internal thinker like him would not be satisfied with she went to sleep forever. Emily knew from personal experience that that explanation had the potential to create long bouts of insomnia. For all the languages she knew, she knew of no word or phrase with which to convey such a grand scale idea.
"Em, is that you?" JJ's quiet voice, still thick with sleep floated softly from the hallway, breaking Emily of her musings.
"Yeah" she whispered loudly, her throat gurgling and sticking with grief. "I am" She sighed and cleared her throat, eyeing the sleeping child to be sure he was not disturbed by her voice. "I am in Noah's room." JJ's slender shadow cast across the room as she came to stand in the doorway.
"Is everything OK?" she whispered.
"He looks more and more like you every day" Emily said by way of avoidance. JJ seamed to understand as she ignored the obvious aversion and chuckled under her breath.
"But he acts more and more like you every day" She retorted. Emily turned and smiled guiltily.
"This is usually when I get in trouble for something he did today" JJ met Emily's eyes for a moment before casting a proud look at the still sleeping toddler.
"He asked me a question about dinosaurs today, I told him I would look it up, but he insisted that you would know and refused to sleep until you got home and he could ask you." Emily smiled.
"How is that something I would do" JJ rolled her eyes.
"Oh, I don't know, I guess you're right, you would never forgo sleep to find the answer to a bothersome question, and you would certainly never be stubborn enough to do it for three hours before finally crashing." at Emily's laugh Noah stirred, his eyes fluttering for a moment as he tried to pull himself from sleep. Emily reached out, her slender hand landing on his back. The child settled, and Emily spent a long moment watching her hand move up and down with his tiny breaths. Since the day they'd brought him home from the hospital, this had been her favourite pass time, simply watching him breathe. Patterns were comfortable, predictable. The universal law of patterns being continuous is how she did her job, and her faith in them had assured her that the pattern of his breathing was not likely to stop any time soon.
"You should have called." Emily whispered. "I don't ever want him to think I am not coming back."
"He knows you'll always come back to him Em, You don't ever have to worry about that" Emily turned to stare intensely at her partner for a few moments, swallowing to hold back the tears.
"He can't know that" she told her desperately. "Not with our jobs, not with the genetic disaster awaiting me" JJ held up her hand, throwing a look at Noah to be sure that Emily's rising tone had not woken the sleeping child. Emily took a deep breath. "He can't know it for sure" She continued, whispering again.
"He has faith in you Em." JJ told her. "He has faith that you will do anything in your power to always come back, and that has to be enough" Emily turned back to the small bed, leaning to rest her cheek on the soft mattress, nose to nose with Noah. That faith was something she had never known in her childhood. And knowing that she had earned such faith from her own sun put a warm feeling of accomplishment in the pit of her stomach. She smiled again as Noah smiled again; his faith in her had allowed her touch to calm him back into his dreams. She hoped she would never give him reason to doubt it. "I have faith in you too Em" JJ said from the doorway. "That's what being a family is all about" Emily leaned forward and brushed a soft kiss over Noah's brow and lifted herself slowly from the floor.
"I am starting to figure that out" Emily whispered, pulling JJ to her at the threshold of their son's room to plant a heated kiss on her lips. "I love you so much" she whispered, before kissing her again. "I can never thank you enough for sticking with me, for giving me a family" JJ smiled through another kiss, wrapping her arms around Emily's shoulders and pulling her out and down the hall toward their bedroom.
"I didn't give you shit" she laughed. "We did it together" Emily only grunted as her shoulder caught the doorframe to their bedroom. Her tongue diving into JJ's mouth, tasting every inch she could taste. At some point, after Emily notices her distinct lack of a shirt, and that JJ's robe had mysteriously disappeared she broke the rough kiss.
"My mother died tonight" she said, her hands settling on JJ's bare hips. JJ's arms loosened a moment as she leaned back to take in her partner's face, then tightened as she pulled Emily's head to rest on her smooth shoulder. Emily's shoulders began to shake. Her sobs no longer held in for the sake of a sleeping child, or the nurses who needed her to sign a thousand forms.
"I wish you would have called me" JJ said after a few moments. Wet tears flowing down her own face, collecting in the curve of Emily's collar bone. "I wish I could have been their to help" Emily didn't say anything, sobs still racking her body. Gently now, JJ pressed kisses along Emily's shoulder and pulled her to lie on the bed, stretching her body around the crying woman in an effort to shield, to comfort. It would take time, and there would be a lot to talk about in the days, weeks and months to come. But for now, JJ just held her. Dropping light kissed on her shoulders and whispers of love into her ears. JJ knew, even if Emily didn't at the moment, that together they could bury, morn, and sort through the life of Elizabeth Prentiss. JJ knew that they would learn from it, and come out stronger as a family in the end.
***