Title: Man Machine
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Table: writers_choice
Prompt: #400, Machine
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Aaron Hotchner or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Aaron closed the file folder on his desk, leaning back in his chair and stretching before he reached for the next file on the stack. He was getting through his work at a fairly rapid rate, and he was pleased with the progress he'd made today.

The team seemed not to have noticed that he was piling more work on himself than usual, though he was sure that they had. They just weren't saying anything about it, which was probably the best thing they could do. If they had mentioned the fact, it wouldn't have mattered.

He had to bury himself in work, to exhaust himself during the day so that he was bone-tired by the time he and Spencer arrived home in the evenings. He didn't want to let himself lie in bed wakeful at night, waiting for sleep to come.

That was when the nightmares would come, the memories that he didn't want crowding into his mind. They could be staved off if he was tired enough to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep from the moment his head hit the pillow until he awakened the next morning.

Of course Spencer had noticed -- there was no way that his boyfriend wouldn't be aware of that fact that he fell into bed completely exhausted every night, and slept like a rock. But at least it was better than letting those nightmares get to him.

It wasn't fair to Spencer, though, was it? Aaron paused as he was reaching for another file, closing his eyes and trying to push that thought away. Spencer knew what he was dealing with. He'd said that he wanted to be here, that they would stay together no matter what.

Spencer wasn't like Haley. He wasn't going to cut and run when he got tired of dealing with all of the problems and anxieties that Aaron's job could cause. He wasn't going to be selfish and insist that Aaron had to cope with those problems on his own.

But even though he was certain of Spencer's devotion, he knew deep inside that what he was doing to himself didn't bode well for either of them. He was only building up a wall between them, refusing to let his lover share in his problems and help him try to get past them.

Aaron rested his head in his hand, eyes still closed, wishing that he could banish the memories that not only haunted his dreams, but his waking moments. If he didn't keep himself occupied, those memories would cut through him even while he was working.

He was turning himself into a machine, an automaton who pushed his emotions down and tried to lock them away. He couldn't afford moments of weakness; he couldn't let himself break down and have those horrifying memories take him over.

His eagerness to bury himself in work couldn't have gone unnoticed. He was absolutely positive that all of the team members had opinions about it, but none of them felt that it was their place to come forward and address any concerns they might have directly to him.

They were right. It wasn't, he thought grimly. He was surprised that Rossi hadn't said anything; he'd been expecting his longtime friend to come to him and ask what was wrong, but that hadn't happened yet, and he was thankful for that small respite.

What would he say to his friend if it came to that? He didn't want anyone on the team to know what Foyet had done to him; obviously, Spencer had to know, given their personal relationship, but he wanted to keep that a secret from the other BAU members.

Something like that was personal; it didn't affect the team, or how he did his job. He could separate his personal life from the team; he'd done that often enough in the past, and he could do it now. He had no choice but to keep doing so.

But he wasn't managing that so well, was he? Aaron sighed at the thought, but he couldn't keep trying to fool himself. He wouldn't be sitting here burying himself under an avalanche of files if he was all that successful at not letting his personal problems get to him.

He was turning himself into a machine who pushed himself harder and harder, regardless of what the people around him thought -- and sooner or later, he would push himself too far. Where would that leave the rest of the team?

Most importantly to him, where would it leave Spencer? And Jack? They were the two most important people in his life; he couldn't keep pushing himself to the brink and let himself fall over it into blessed oblivion. Not as long as they needed him.

He had no right to do this to his son -- or to his lover. He was being just as selfish as his former wife had been when she had turned her back on him; he was ignoring the needs of the other people in his life by trying to sublimate his own need for a closure that he might never have.

Spencer would take care of Jack if anything happened to him; he knew that. But he couldn't simply push his responsibilities away and let himself sink into the tempting blackness that was beckoning to him so seductively. He had too much to stick around for.

He had a future with Spencer. He wanted to grow old with his lover by his side; he wanted them to watch his child grow up, to solidify their relationship through the years ahead. He wanted to pick up this life from the ashes of the old one, and make it a better life than could ever dream of having.

Would he have that chance? He couldn't help but wonder if he would be able to give ti to himself -- or if those crippling, debilitating memories would let him go. As long as they were snapping at his heels, he knew that he could never have the kind of future he wanted for himself.

It wasn't fair to drag Spencer down with him, Aaron thought, squeezing his eyes tightly closed for a few moments. Spencer was young; he had his entire life ahead of him. He deserved better than to be saddled with a boyfriend who had so many emotional problems.

But if he didn't have Spencer in his life, what did he have? He would still have Jack, of course; the one link to his old life, the most important person in his world, along with his lover. He loved and appreciated Jack more than ever; his son was one of his lifelines.

Still, though his love for his son was one of the strongest forces in his existence, Jack was just a little boy. He couldn't talk with his father about what he'd been through; he couldn't offer the emotional support that Aaron needed, even though he might want to.

He needed Spencer. He needed his lover to be a buffer against the nightmares, a security blanket that he could wrap himself in when he needed to be comforted. But at the same time, it seemed so unfair to expect Spencer to deal with his problems.

Taking a deep breath, Aaron opened his eyes and straightened up in his chair. This was how he always dealt with problems -- by burying them under a mountain of work. It might not be the best way to cope, but it was the way he was most used to.

He would talk with Spencer about the nightmares, he conceded to himself. He had to, really. There was no way that he could keep his boyfriend in the dark about them -- after all, Spencer knew that they happened. He was right there in bed next to Aaron when they attacked.

And he had to notice that they were getting worse, more virulent, more frequent. Spencer was one of the most astute men Aaron had ever known when it came to the people the young man loved; he wasn't one to sit back and let someone he cared for fight a battle alone.

How much longer could he keep trying to push those nightmares and memories into the back of his mind by sublimating them with work? Aaron sighed, putting the file down without looking at it. It might be time for him to admit that he needed help.

No. He couldn't do that. If he did, then Strauss would use it as an indication that he wasn't fit to lead the team -- and he'd already stepped down once. The next time he did that, she would pounce on it as a sign of his resignation, and press the advantage.

There was no help for it. He had to keep pressing on in the way that he was now, had to keep making a man machine of himself. At least while he was at work. When he and Spencer were at home behind closed doors, maybe he could relax more and let the tensions seep out of him.

That would be when those memories would attack him with the vivid images that he couldn't bear to watch over and over again in his mind, Aaron thought, wincing inwardly. No, he couldn't let himself completely relax at home, either. He had to find a way to keep those memories at bay.

Spencer would help him, that voice in the back of his mind whispered. All he had to do was talk about it with Spencer, and his boyfriend would hold him in those loving arms and keep the nightmares and all of the memories away. Spencer wouldn't let any harm come to him.

A wry smile crossed Aaron's features for a moment before it disappeared as quickly as it had come to him. It would take more than his boyfriend's love to dissipate those nightmares and hold back all of his memories. But confiding in Spencer seemed like a very good place to start.

***