Title: In This Defying Moment
Author: fair-vatican
Rating: PG
Pairing: Hotch/Spencer
Summary: I'm trying to write this out from my memory because that's all I've got left.
Spoilers: up to season 3 final - Lo-Fi
Notes: certain "facts" are incorrect so do pardon me

***

I'm here, trying to pinpoint an exact moment to explain all of this. I'm trying to write this out with my memory because that's all I've got left.(don't die, please don't die). I'm trying to find a moment which begins all of this, which could, in fact, illustrate that something amazing was going to ignite but I can't. I cannot find just one moment or just one sentence. This is, as they would say it, beyond my understanding but then I look at him through the layers of glass, and I wonder, do I really need to understand any of this?

When he first came, he was referred to my department actually; I was already taken back by him. He was in his early twenties but his eyes, the window to one soul, refracted memories that no one should have ever gone through. He's eyes, as gentle as he's words, shot through me and through my heart and I cannot explain how or what it is that left me speechless but all I knew was that I had to see him again, had to talk to him, had to learn about him, had to be his.

Times passed and so did years and as those passed as well, we all changed. He's now more confident then ever, a still stutter but then again, doesn't everyone? He fell after his capture, broken into pieces and looked helplessly for anything to safe him. He found his drugs, took it often and when I caught him, he cried.

I never saw Dr Spencer Reid cry before that moment despite everyone's belief that he's weak. I never saw him cry till then and I hope I never do because as he cried, shoulders held in mid air, hair falling, covering his face, fingers interlinked with one another, my heart broke because this is what he is right now and it frightens both of us. He says sorry and asked for help and as he spoke, I think I understood what he meant when he said, "Hotch, sometimes it isn't the company that I wish for you know, I just want someone to understand, someone to tell me it's going to be ok even if it's not."

It took him a while later to get use to therapy. He talks during his meetings and people listen, they look him in the eye and they do nods at every word he speaks; they understand. For a while, he says, he finds it comforting but his desires has now changed, he seeks solace no more.

A case ends mid July of last year and I was sitting in my office, just thinking. The divorce papers are in and I sign them knowing that this is, if I continue my job, for the best. Sighing, I slip the papers into it's envelope and before I can seal, he enters, doesn't say anything till he seats down opposite me and when he does, he says, " I've been thinking, perhaps we're going about this the wrong way"

Stunned, well confused actually, by his comment, I raised an eyebrow. He speaks, "this being our happiness. I thought that I wanted someone to understand and then I could be happy but I was wrong. You think that if Jack had a proper father, he'd be happy but it's wrong, we're both wrong"

"Reid, I don't think..."

"It's just that Aaron, what I wanted was to love and to be loved. All Jack needs is just that"

I find myself in front of Haley's new house early August of that year. I'm carrying a present and as the door bell sounds, I hear footsteps and his voice. "Come in"

Jack and I ended up visiting the science museum. I was not sure if he would like it but when he saw the structure of the T-REX, he became excited, tugging my jeans to bring him closer, I do. We buy ice- cream and sit by the park and he tells me, "Daddy, I miss you"

I closed my eyes and I say the same to him, he waits till I open them and he hugs me, "I love you"

I drop him off and Spencer's words come to thought, "All Jack needs is just that"

I knock on Spencer's apartment door an hour later and as he opens the door, I find myself grabbing him by his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. He raises an eyebrow and I manage to say, "All he ever needed"

For a while, this is all good and I am happy. Spencer and I are together and I get to see Jack during the weekends. Spencer and Jack get along well with each other and I really couldn't ask for anything more but then the thought comes to my mind and I cannot help but not shake it away because reality hits hard to those not prepared and for the worse, I have to be.

So the worse comes and my nails are finally bitten. Spencer says he's "bye" and Jack does nothing more then to ask, "where's spencerrr, I wanna go to the park!"

I stare at him, finding words to say, finding words to help him understand that relationships don't last, that his mother and I, Spencer and I, we're just players in a game that neither dominates. When the sun does finally set, his hands in his mothers, I take a drive, a long one, and just breathe.

Thinking of the memories, of the midnight sun, of the breaking dawn, I remember opening my eyes to his and opening his heart to mine. I remember loving him and being loved by him but this is it, he says, and I have to respect that; he's been hurt too much.

When I do come back from where I left to, he changed. He's more open, more confident and nothing stands in his way except for the letter; another person leaves. When stutters finally fade, when criminals are caught, we try not to reminisce about our past because "this is it, isn't it" he repeats

When New York comes, when she waltz's back into my life, I am stunned by the amount of jealousy; he still cares. When Morgan vents out Spencer's anger, in frustration, and it takes all that's in me, to tell Morgan, instead of Spencer, off. When doors are open, when doors are close, a click sounds and fire and fear ignites almost instantly. Fire burns, and her screams are heard but my thoughts aren't here; my thoughts are with him.

So lying here, this defying moment of my life, I look back at my loves and my loved and all I see, all I remember is him and for the first time since his goodbye's, I ask God, in my mind with words, with memories," let this not be it, it cannot be. please I need time, I need him"

***