Title: Moving On
By: Soot
Pairing: Past Morgan/Reid
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimers: I do not own but I can dream.
Warning: Self harming and slash.
Summary: Morgan's dead and Reid is trying to deal with the grief the best he can and Hotch is there to help.

***

Reid sat on his couch in his apartment; his eyes dry and aching as his fingers played with loose threads of a blanket which covered his legs. He raised the blanket to his face and inhaled deeply.

It smelled like Morgan.

Everywhere he looked he was reminded of Morgan. His whole apartment reminded him. Reid looked down at his hands and closed his eyes, his breathing hitched but his blood red eyes remained dry. He seemed no longer able to cry tears. It seemed that he had cried all he was able to. He felt the tightness in his chest as it expanded and contracted with his uneven breathing; he eyes and throat was sore and he found it hard to breathe through his nose. He knew that in the morning the tears would flow as freely as the first one's had; but until then dehydration had temporarily stopped the flow and put off the demise of a few more tissues by several hours.

Reid curled up on his side, keeping the blanket close to his chest as he closed his eyes.

He ached for a dreamless sleep to take him.

*flashback - after the funeral*

"Reid; I know you're angry..."

"Angry; I've lost my lover!" Reid screamed in pain. "I've lost him Hotch. It should be me in that grave. ME!" Reid bent over in agony with his hands trying to rip his hair out. Hotch raced to his side and fought his hands from his hair.

"Why him Hotch?" Reid cried. "Why him?" Reid crumpled to the ground with his head now in his hands. Hotch knelt down next to Reid and took him into his arms; letting him sob into his shoulder. Hotch rubbed Reid's back in a comforting motion and occasionally felt Reid's teeth biting into the thick fabric of his coat in a failing attempt to calm his raging emotions as well as to stop him from screaming out more than he already had.

It began to precipitate cold rain which soaked the two agents to the skin, even through their coats. Neither one considered it greatly at the time though; their minds were to preoccupied with their own thoughts and fears to give it any room to be acknowledged.

*end flashback*

The next morning Reid lay awake after the restless night. A sunny stream of light filtering in from between the nearly closed black out curtains he had in his front room. He had woken many times during the night, calling Morgan's name as his dream state ended and his conscious state began. He never did manage to enter a deep level of sleep; the same as every other night since Morgan's death.

He stood and walked almost in a daze to the window and looked out of it. It was a sunny day; peculiar for that time of year, but it did not make him feel bright and sunny like it would have done before. No - it made him feel alone; totally and utterly alone.

Reid closed the curtains completely so the sun light would be completely blocked out of his apartment and slowly made his way to the bathroom. He spent longer than he could recall later staring at himself in the mirror; scrutinising himself. He saw his ashen complexion staring back at him; his solemn expression adding to the effect. He raised his hand and dragged the tips of his fingers down his cheeks.

He felt dead inside.

He suddenly felt self hatred. He felt he needed to be punished. He reached for the razor that sat on the side and held it above his wrist. For a few seconds he couldn't bring himself to do it, he just started at it with a burning hatred; but with the loss and guilt of his friend and lover still weighing down heavily on him, that razor started to look real friendly real fast to him. Taking a deep breath he lowered the blade and dragged it across his flawless skin on his wrist.

Reid felt the blade slice his skin; relishing in the pain that it brought to him. He watched almost hypnotised as the crimson blood flow from the wound. He raised his wrist to his lips and tasted the blood on his tongue, savouring its metallic taste. Salty tears escaped from his closed eyes and slowly rolled down his ashen, gaunt face like he predicted they would the night before.

His ability to cry had come back and he relished the pain and tears.

Reid believed he deserved them both.

*flashback*

The explosion came with a deafening roar and convinced all nearby that the world had ended and Armageddon was present and grinning at them with its rotten teeth.

Hotch's instincts made him dropped to the ground and covered his head with his arms without any conscious thought process to it. The officers stood by his sides followed a second later; their reactions not as honed as Hotch's were. Fire erupted from the building via the roof, windows and doors. Parts of the building that had broken off during the explosion began to rain down on them, pieces of brick and concrete big enough that police cars that took a hit either had huge craters in them from the impact or had gaping holes. The heat that the fire gave off made many who tried to get close after recoil from it. Hotch looked out from between his arms and onto the scene that now lay before him. The first thing that came to mind was hell; or more precisely hell on earth.

Hotch's eyes scanned the surrounding area but when he saw Reid laid face down sprawled in the road his breath caught in his throat. Dread raced through him as Reid appeared not to move. "Reid!" Hotch shouted as he pushed himself up from the ground and racing to the young agent's side. "Reid!"

Hotch threw himself down next to Reid and immediately noticed that much of the young agent's hair was coated in blood. Hotch searched for a pulse in Reid's neck and found a defiant, but not a nerve settling, pulse. As Hotch did this Reid began to stir; his moans muffled by the tarmac. Hotch turned him over and brushed the blood covered hair out of his face. "Reid! Reid; talk to me." Hotch shook Reid's limp body by the shoulders.

Reid's eyes flickered open and shut a few times before opening fully. A confused look was then written across Reid's face. "Hotch?" Reid asked screwing his eyes shut trying to figure out what had happened to him while his hand went to his head making him wince in pain. His thoughts were all over the place and he couldn't get them straight in his mind. He wasn't accustom to that.

"I'm here Reid." Hotch returned. "Stay here. I'm going to get you some help."

Reid groaned in response. Hotch left him laid in the road and Reid turned himself over and looked at the building that was on fire. He stared at it dumfounded for a few seconds before his mind snapped back into focus.

"Morgan!" Reid shouted as he tried to stand up despite his pain and injuries. Hotch saw this and watched wide eyed as Reid fell back to the ground, only to try to get back up again. Snapping out of his daze; Hotch raced back to Reid as he stood up for the third time and wrapped his arms around his waist and dragged him back towards the other side of the street.

Hotch pinned Reid to the wall of the building. "You can't help him Spencer!" he yelled into the younger agents face; the usage of his first name catching Reid's attention. Reid stared at him, tears falling freely down his cheeks. The glow of the fire behind them danced on Reid's skin; highlighted the blood, tears and dirt covering his face. His hair had fallen into his face again casting dark shadows while his eyes reflected the orange light. His whole form trembled with exhaustion.

"Please." Reid begged his voice barely above a whisper. "I have to try."

Hotch sighed. "I can't let you do that."

Behind them a second explosion erupted from the building. Reid gave a gasp of horror before blackness engulfed him once more and he fainting into Hotch's arms. Hotch sank to the ground with Reid's limp body; leaving the emergency crews to deal with the blaze and casualties. Paramedics ran to them and took Reid from Hotch; allowing Hotch to go in search of his other team members. Prentiss and Rossi were with the medics being treated for minor injuries and in Prentiss's case - concussion.

Eventually; after what seemed like an eternity; Hotch found out that Morgan had been rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Even though he was terrified about the critical condition; he found himself relieved to know that Morgan was alive and in the hands of those who could help him.

He walked back to where the medics were giving the still unconscious Reid a quick check over before sending him to the hospital.

"How is he?" Hotch inquired as he sat down at the side of where Reid laid. Hotch took Reid's hand in his own and held it tight.

"Concussion; a couple of not to serious cuts and bruises, no burns; no extensive head trauma; his FBI vest stopped a piece of shrapnel from entering the chest cavity and as far as I can see presently, the only serious aspect to his injuries is the shock he's currently suffering from. He's very lucky. Considering how close he was to the initial explosion he should have suffered more serious injuries such as server pulmonary contusion. I'm not ruling that out though along with internal damage and haemorrhaging. He will have a full check at the hospital but right now he's stable."

Hotch gave his thanks. But a thought that had entered his head refused to leave and persisted to remain at the front of his conscious thoughts.

'How much worse was it going to get before it got any better'.

*end flashback*

Reid sat the rest of the day in the dark and gloom of his apartment; his wrists wrapped in white bandages. Blood stained the bandages where the wounds had continued to bleed even after he had tended them. His wrists were tender to his touch while his hands trembled slightly and he kept them close to his chest in a protective manor. He sat hunched over and even though he knew it was bad for his back, he continued to do so.

As he sat alone in the stillness; his mind couldn't help but go back to the last time he saw Morgan alive. It seemed impossible for his mind not to. The memory was torture for him to watch and re-watch in his mind, but it was also the last moments he ever had with Morgan, and no matter how much the memory hurt him and tore at his soul, Reid was not prepared to give it up.

*flashback*

"Reid! Get these people out." Morgan yelled.

"What about you?" Reid asked; his eyes wide with fright but he stood his ground when he clearly wanted nothing more than to run. Morgan saw this and secretly felt himself well up with pride. The kid he met all that time ago was no longer a kid.

"If I know that you're safe then I can look after myself." Morgan pointed his finger directly at Reid; but Reid took no notice of the gesture.

"It's my job. I should go - not you." Reid countered.

"Reid..."

"I'm not leaving you." Reid cut him off.

Morgan closed the distance between the two of them and pulled Reid into a passionate kiss. Reid was shocked at how spontaneous it was and the worsening situation taking place around them while they participated in the act, but he deepened it none the less. Morgan broke the kiss and rested his head against Reid's. "I love you Spencer." Reid just stared wide eyed at him. "I'm protecting you god dam it Reid; get out the building!" Morgan kissed him one final time before leaving Reid stood in shock.

Reid started to take a few steps backwards towards the opposite door to which Morgan left by; raising his hand to his tingling lips and brushed his fingers over them. "Be careful Morgan. Please be careful."

*end flashback*

Hotch felt that he at least owed it to Morgan to put some fresh flowers on his grave - just a small token for all the times he had saved their lives, along with many many others.

He drove the grave on his own and in silence. Showing his emotions to others was never a skill he had acquired over time, and right now he wanted nothing more than to be on his own with his thoughts. He did most of his best thinking that way. He parked up where he had the day of the funeral and walked down the same path to the grave that he had also walked during that day. Something he would always remember; unfortunately.

As Hotch approached the grave he saw that a person was already there. Hotch stood and stared for a several seconds waiting for the person to move; he wanted to be alone when he went to Morgan's grave. The last thing he wanted was to have some stranger there staring at him and scrutinising him through what ever coloured eyes they may have. He decided to walk around the cemetery while he waited for the unforeseen visitor to leave. He walked forward a few steps when just before he turned off down a path to his right, something about the person next to the grave caught his eye. He squinted while forcing the cogs in his brain to function. There was something just so familiar about that person. Then suddenly it clicked into place and it hit him like a brick between the eyes.

"Oh my god! Reid!" Hotch said horrified as he saw it was indeed Reid who was sat next to Morgan's grave. Hotch dropped the flowers and forgot all about them as raced to Reid's side and knelt next to him. "Reid?" he asked as he placed a hand gentally on the younger mans back trying to get his attention.

"It should have been me." Reid whispered, continuing to stare at the grave. "I should be in this grave; not Morgan. It's my fault he's dead. It was my place to go and I let him talk me out of it. I killed him."

"Reid; you know that isn't true." Hotch said, picking his words and tone of voice carefully not wanting a re-run of what happened after the funeral.

Reid's head turned so he could look at Hotch's face. "You're words are lies." Hotch began to argue the opposite when something inside Reid snapped. "We both know they are Aaron! You blame me for his death; you all do. Don't act like you don't!"

Hotch re-placed his hand on Reid's back to try to comfort him but instead got an unforeseen reaction to the contact. "I could have saved him if it wasn't for you!" Reid shouted and punched Hotch in the mouth. Hotch was stunned by Reid's fist throwing reaction. He never suspected such a reaction to come from Reid and while he got his anger under control he spat the metallic tasting blood out of his mouth that had accumulated there.

"I hate you." Reid spat at him, tears blurring his vision while venom laced his every word. "I wish it was you in that grave!" Hotch launched himself at Reid; pinning him to the grave yard floor.

Hotch fought not to beat Reid where he laid. Every fibre in his body wanted to beat him; make him apologise for his words, but he didn't want to hurt Reid more than he already was. He supposed that was the sympathetic side of him - but it was a close run battle between his two sides.

"He wouldn't be dead if you had let me go to him." Reid sobbed, fighting Aarons grip on his wrists which pressing them to the ground above his head. Hotch's grip on Reid's wrists sent waves of pain threw Reid's body. Reid winced with the pain and Hotch looked down onto Reid's wrists that had been exposed from the long sleeved shirts the young man wore. He saw the dry blood on the bandages where the blood had been absorbed and then dried. He saw how much pain his grip was causing Reid; but he never let his grip falter.

"What have you been doing?" Hotch demanded.

"Coping." Reid spat back.

"Coping? You call this coping Spencer?" Hotch bellowed; his grip tightening to a vice like grip and causing Reid to cry out in pain. "What have you been doing?" Hotch demanded again. "ANSWER ME!"

Reid looked at Hotch; both aggression and anger had left his expression completely; leaving him looking like a small lost child. Hotch felt much of his anger at the younger man drain out of him; but enough remained to keep Reid pinned to the ground where he was.

"Please; let me go Aaron." Reid begged.

"Not till I get some answers." Reid blanched more than what should have been humanly possible from Hotch's words. "Are you taking those drugs again?" Reid moved his head side to side silently. "Give me an honest answer Reid!"

"I haven't touched them!" Reid wailed in despair.

"I don't need a wallowing drug addict on my team!" Hotch growled. "Reid; listen to me!" Hotch's eyes scrutinised Reid's face after realising that no answer was forthcoming. Reid's bottom lip was trembling; tear steams being pulled by gravity downwards, his eyes wild with fright and shock. That look proved to Hotch that he was pushing Reid too hard; especially at that stage. Emotionally battered; lost; strong feelings of guilt tearing him apart from every angle; yeah - knowing the young man in front of him he defiantly was causing more harm than good.

Hotch let go of Reid's wrists and stood up. Reid brought his hands down to his chest but made no attempt to follow Hotch's lead. He gazed at his trembling wrists and hands through tear blurred vision. Hotch felt remorse at how he had treated the younger agent when Reid curled up on his side facing away from him in the foetal position. A part of him said that Reid deserved it for being self obsessed, ignorant and for punching him in the face. That part of him wanted nothing more than to leave him curled up on the ground sobbing. But the other part of him; the human side that cared, wanted to scoop the broken man on the ground before him into his arms and convince him that all would become right - somehow.

Hotch held out a hand for Reid to accept and Reid looked at it with both suspicion and terror and made no attempt to reach out and take it.

"Reid; I'm sorry for how I just treated you." No lie there; but he still considered it necessary. "But staying around here will not help you. Let me get you out of here." Reid looked from the hand to Hotch's face then back to the hand. He felt his heart hammer in his chest and he made the decision to take the hand and the offer. Hotch gripped his hand while his other hand grabbed Reid's arm just above the elbow.

Hotch pulled Reid to his feet only to have Reid collapse on him when his legs crumpled and gave way. "Reid?" Hotch asked, genuine concern now lacing his voice.

"So...tired." Reid murmured.

"I know you are Spencer; I know you are." Reid rested his head on Hotch's shoulder; his trust for his superior coming back and replacing the fear that had been there moments before.

"I'm not strong enough." Reid whimpered against Hotch's shoulder as Hotch led him towards his car. "I'm not strong enough; not strong enough; not strong enough..." Reid continued to say over and over, more to himself than to Hotch.

Hotch placed him in his car and got in himself and started to drive in the direction of Reid's house. Deciding that leaving Reid alone in his present state would be a bad idea, Hotch decided to drive to his place instead and persuade Reid to stay with him until he had made judgement that Reid would be okay on his own again.

"You're going to be okay Spencer. It doesn't seem that way now, but it will be in time. Time's a good healer." Hotch said; and when he considered it, he found that he meant it and didn't say it as empty words of comfort.

"I'm not going to be okay." Reid whispered. "I can feel it - that I'm not going to be. I feel...hollow; empty."

Hotch couldn't find an answer to give him. "Reid; promise me something." he asked not taking his eyes of the road.

"What's that?" Reid asked looking up from his hands in his lap to look at the dash board in the vehicle.

"Don't do anything stupid."

Reid looked at Hotch with wide, but knowing eyes. "Stupid?"

"Self harming; not eating; taking illegal substances; anything like that. Reid; if you need to talk, about anything, phone me any time; day or night." Hotch pulled up outside his home and after securing the car he turned and focused on Reid. "You can stay as long as you want."

"I don't want to impose." Reid murmured, but the offer had giving him the idea that if he didn't surround himself by things that reminded him of Morgan constantly, his emotions might settle a bit.

"You're not imposing. It's an offer and at this stage I would feel better if you accepted it." Hotch watched Reid closely for his reaction. Reid's eyes fell to his wrists again, his eyes sweeping the bandages, studying them intently.

"I suppose a little while couldn't hurt." Reid eventually answered, his eyes still never leaving his wrists.

Hotch watched Reid closely for several seconds more before adding, "Reid?"

"Yeah Hotch?"

"Thanks; for putting my mind at rest." Hotch gave him a small smile before leading him inside his home.

End.

***