Title: Gone (But Not Forgotten)
By: Stacy L.A. Stronach
Pairing: Hotch/Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13/FRT
Words: 2361
Prompt: Hotch and Reid talk about Gideon after he's gone.
Notes: Written for the cm_exchange and specifically for lostandalone22.
I forgot to thank my lovely beta (even anonymously) when this was first posted on the exchange, sorry! So, I'll do it here, now, with her name. Thank you, as always, to my lovely and wonderful beta, nebula99--for beta reading and hand holding and listening to me as I worked out where I was going with this fic. You're the best!

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"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." - Kevin Arnold.


Spencer Reid feels the change in the air as he walks down the stairs into the basement; it's cooler yet more humid and smelled musty. He holds his gun in front of him; his other hand, holding the flashlight, is crossed over his gun hand. He sweeps the basement with the bright beam, knowing and dreading what he'll find.

This time, though, the familiar white sneakers are hidden by the bulk of a man's body. He's crouched down, hands (familiar hands, Reid knows them) holding onto the blue jeaned legs.

"FBI, raise your hands and turn around slowly." To his own ears, Reid's voice sounds weak and hollow.

The man doesn't turn around, but his shoulders start to shake, and laughter, evil laughter (Reid recognises this, too), fills the basement.

Finally, the man moves, pulling the child's body out from behind the dryer, exposing him. Reid gasps as he shines his flashlight on the boy's face; this face he knows. It is his own face.

The man turns his head, a mocking grin on his face. "Is this what you were looking for, Spencer? Is it? Proof that you were a bad boy, a bad son, turning your mother away. Is this what you deserved? But then you were always a bad boy, weren't you?" Jason Gideon asks, his face darkening with anger.

"But that's always the case, isn't it, you're a bad boy because you can't save anyone—not your mom, not your dad, not Tobias, not yourself or me. Useless and weak, just like your father, aren't you?" Gideon starts toward Reid, his face contorted into an ugly mask of rage. "You're useless."

Reid is confused; he doesn't understand why Gideon is here or why he's saying what he is. Reid is frightened of Gideon right now and that is an unfamiliar feeling. He's always felt safe in Gideon's presence.

He takes a step back as Gideon advances on him. "Stop, Gideon, or I'll shoot!" Reid tries to hide his fear and confusion.

"You'll shoot me? I don't think so, Spencer; you're too scared to do that, aren't you? You don't deserve to be in the BAU. Weak, useless and scared," Gideon sneers, stepping closer.

"I am not scared," Reid whispers. In his mind, he hears Aaron Hotchner's voice: "Front sight, trigger press, follow through. You do those three things you'll hit your target every time." Reid aims his gun and when Gideon doesn't stop, when he gets too close, Reid fires.

Reid watches in horror as Gideon pauses mid-step, a look of surprise on his face. Reid stares at the red stain spreading down Gideon's shirt as the other man falls to his knees, hand grasping uselessly at his chest.

Before Reid can react, he hears Hotch's voice calling him from upstairs.

"Spencer, are you okay? Spencer, wake up!"

Gasping, Reid sits up in his bed, eyes wide open. He looks around the room in confusion , unsure where he is or what is happening. Reid jumps at the gentle touch on his shoulder.

"Spencer?" Hotch asks, voice soft next to Reid's ear. He rubs Reid's shoulder for a moment before sliding an arm around him. "Are you okay?"

Taking a couple of deep breaths as he rubs his hands over his face, relieved to realise that he's at home in his own bed with his lover beside him, Reid says, "I had that nightmare again."

Hotch kisses Reid's temple. "You were thrashing around more than usual...and I thought I heard you say Gideon's name."

Drawing his knees up to his chest, Reid wraps his arms around them and he's unable to look at Hotch. "Yeah, this one was different..." he whispers.

"How so?" Hotch prompts.

"Usually I don't see anyone leaning over the boy..." Reid pauses and takes a calming breath. "This time...this time I did. And it was Gideon. He...he pulled the body out from behind the dryer and...the boy had my face. My adult face, not my boy face." Reid shudders at the memory, it's still vivid in his mind.

Hotch rubs Reid's back. "It's okay. You're safe now."

Taking another breath, Reid continues. "And Gideon—he was mocking me, saying that I was useless and I shouldn't be in the BAU...and then he started to come after me. I warned him, but he wouldn't stop. I shot him, Aaron. I shot Gideon."

Hotch slides his arm around Reid's waist, pulling him close. "It's okay, Spencer, it was just a dream."

"It just felt so real...I can still see it in my head."

"I know, the worst nightmares are like that. C'mon, let's lay down," Hotch says, lying back on the bed.

Reid goes with him, curling against Hotch's side, pillowing his head on his lover's chest, the steady rhythm of Hotch's heart under his ear soothing him. Reid slides his hand over so that his arm is across Hotch's stomach, embracing him.

Hotch runs his fingers through Reid's hair as he settles against him. "Want to talk about it?"

"My dream?"

"Or Gideon leaving," Hotch says. They haven't talked about it other than in the briefest of exchanges and Reid hasn't really said much about how it's affected him.

Reid sighs. "What's there to talk about? I trusted him. He left. Like everyone else in my life," he says, his voice touched with bitterness.

"I'm still here," Hotch says quietly. "And I'm not planning on going anywhere."

"I know." Reid is silent for a few minutes. "I...I let him...he became like a father to me, Aaron. And...god, my own father left me, why should I expect anything more from Gideon?"

"You know that it wasn't about you. Gideon had his own issues, his own demons that made him leave. I'm sure he didn't know it would hit you this hard."

"Didn't he?" Reid rolls away from Hotch onto his side, back to his lover.

Hotch doesn't say anything, just watches the faint glow from the nightlight play on Reid's hair. He touches Reid's shoulder. "Hot chocolate?" he asks. Reid is restless and upset which means no sleep in the immediate future.

Reid huffs a sigh. "With marshmallows?"

Hotch smiles. "Of course." He gets out of bed, grabbing his robe and putting it on. He waits for Reid to do the same. Hotch holds out his hand and nods when Reid takes it.

Reid smiles at Hotch. His lover is very tactile; Hotch had always been one to touch Reid at work—his shoulder, arm, back—but now that they were lovers, it was more frequent and the touches lingered longer, too. Of course, now there were the heated glances and special smiles meant only for Reid. It's something new for Reid and he often finds himself waiting for those moments.

He's still smiling as they make their way to the kitchen. Things might not always be perfect, but they are usually pretty damned good and Reid likes it—a lot.

Walking into the kitchen, Hotch lets go of Reid's hand. He starts pulling out the ingredients for the hot chocolate while Reid sits down at the breakfast bar. Reid watches his lover move around the kitchen, as efficient in making hot chocolate as he is in everything else.

A few minutes later, Hotch sets their drinks on the counter; his own hot chocolate is sans marshmallows but Reid's has several bobbing around in it. Reaching in with his fingers, Reid grabs one and brings it up to his mouth, sucking on it before eating it. He proceeds to do this with all the marshmallows. He sees Hotch shaking his head before drinking his hot chocolate. "Mmm. This is good. Thank you," Reid says, grinning at Hotch.

"You're welcome," Hotch replies.

They sip their drinks in companionable silence for several minutes, until Hotch says, "So...Gideon?"

"Um, yeah, what about him?" Reid avoids looking at Hotch.

Reaching over, Hotch trails his fingers up and down Reid's arm. "You've never talked about his leaving, about how you feel about it."

Reid just shrugs. "I dunno." He doesn't really want to talk about it.

"From what you told me of your dream, I think you do know."

Reid rolls his eyes. "You know I think Freud is full of shit. It was just a dream. I don't even know why I'm dreaming about him now, months after he's gone."

"But Jung still has some good theories," Hotch replies. "As to why now? It's probably because Dave's joined the team; it's making you think about Gideon and what he meant to you."

Reid is silent as he considers what Hotch said. He shrugs again as he replies. "Maybe that's it, I really don't know, Aaron. I do know one thing—I won't be thinking of Rossi as a father figure."

Hotch snorts a laugh. "Trust me, for that, Dave will be eternally grateful."

Chuckling, Reid leans his head forward and his cascading hair hides him from Hotch. After a moment, he speaks. "I guess...I guess I'm still angry at him, not necessarily for leaving but for how he left."

Hotch pushes Reid's hair back behind his ear. "It's okay to be mad at him or disappointed. He could've done it differently but for whatever reason, felt that he couldn't."

"I don't know why he couldn't have talked to me—or to you. We were...are...his friends."

"I'm not sure why he couldn't, either. Although Jason was a very solitary man and he became even more so after Boston..." Hotch trails off.

"But you two seemed to know each other so well—he must've talked to you. And, I mean, aren't you angry at him, too?"

Hotch shrugs. "I was angry at first, but in some ways, I can understand why he left—and that doesn't mean I approve of how he did it. That isn't how you treat your friends and colleagues but I guess he couldn't see any other way to do it. Maybe he thought if he'd told us face to face, we would've tried to talk him out of it and I guess he really didn't want that. And to answer your other question—we talked more before Boston; after that, he shut himself off more. I could still 'read' him—I'd known him too long not to."

Reid sat, a thoughtful look on his face. "He was so brilliant, so good at what he did...even with his letter, I'm still not sure I really understand why he left. You know, even when I was at my lowest—hooked on Diluadid, I never considered leaving...."

Hotch reaches over and covers Reid's hand with his own, grasping it. "I hope you never do understand it, Spencer.

Reid curls his fingers around Hotch's hand. "I mean, I do understand about things being hard, but giving up?" Reid shakes his head.

"Jason had been doing the job for a long time. I guess he'd suffered too many losses—his marriage, being estranged from Stephen for so long...Sarah was probably just the final straw He'd seen so many killers, so much darkness, too many people dying horribly at the hands of monsters.... Like I said, I can understand why he left..." Hotch is quiet for a moment. "Do you think you'll be able to forgive him?"

"Will you?"

Hotch smiles. "I pretty much have."

Reid nods and then shrugs. "Probably I can. Maybe. In time."

"So, that's a definite maybe?"

Reid chuckles. "Yeah, I guess so." He finishes the last of his hot chocolate. "Although I guess I'll have to find someone else to play chess with," he says, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Hotch smirks. "I hear Prentiss plays a pretty good game."

Reid shakes his head. "She's too good, she'd beat me."

"Gideon always beat you. Afraid to lose to a woman?"

"No! And I won three games with Gideon. But I think he let me win the last one."

"Trust me, he didn't like you that much. Gideon always played to win."

"I guess so," Reid says with a shrug.

Hotch snorts. "I know so."

Reid looks at Hotch for a moment; there's something he's wanted to ask, but had never really had the chance. He figures he may as well go for it now. "Did you know?"

Shaking his head, Hotch takes a sip of his now lukewarm cocoa. "That he was leaving? No. That he was having some trouble...yes. I did try to talk to him but he didn't want to talk. That was one thing about him—he could always get me to open up to him...but it rarely worked in the reverse, unless he wanted it to." Hotch pauses for a moment. "We'd known each other for so long but I guess it didn't count for much." He chuffs a laugh. "Haley used to not-so-jokingly refer to him as my 'wife'. And look on the bright side, Spence. At least you got a letter."

"Yeah, that'll keep me warm on a cold winter's night," Reid says archly.

Hotch stands up and moves behind Reid, wrapping his arms around him. "I thought that was my job?" he asks, kissing Reid's neck.

Reid turns around on the stool and slides his arms around Hotch's waist. "Yeah it is," he says with a smile.

"Good," Hotch murmurs before claiming Reid's mouth in a gentle kiss. It deepens quickly when Reid slips his tongue out to lick at Hotch's lips. Hotch opens to him and Reid explores Hotch's mouth, the taste of the chocolate almost as alluring as the man himself. Hotch moans in the back of his throat as Reid moves his hands down to cup his ass; the noise sends a thrill of lust through Reid's body. He loves that he can have this affect on Hotch...and loves that Hotch affects him just as much.

After a few minutes, they pull back from one another, a little breathless. Reid smiles up at Hotch. "And it isn't even winter yet."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No, you can keep me warm on any sort of night," Reid replies with an impish grin.

"In that case, then, let's go to bed," Hotch says, stepping back and grabbing Reid's hands to pull him up off the stool.

"Aaron," Reid says, before Hotch can move away from him.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Hotch smiles and says, "I love you, too." He slides his arm around Reid's shoulders.

Reid slips his arm around Hotch's waist as they walk down the hallway to their bedroom. He thinks that, despite Gideon's leaving and all the other shit that's gone on his life in recent months, his life right now is pretty damn good. And he wouldn't change a thing.

//the end.

"I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now." -Sophia Loren

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