Title: Overwhelmed
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: NC-17
Table: 3, 20_est_relships
Prompt: 5, Forgiveness
Author's Note: Mentions of rape.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Aaron Hotchner or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

"Relax and it'll go in easier."

But it hadn't. The pain had ricocheted through his body, growing worse with each thrust. He hadn't been able to summon enough strength to scream; he couldn't even struggled or protect himself in any way, not with the severe blood loss he'd sustained.

No, all he had been able to do was lie there and endure the pain, and hope that either it would end soon, or that he would be granted the peace of oblivion. His last thought before he'd finally passed out was of Spencer, wondering if he would ever see his boyfriend again.

The pain was engulfing him even in memory; Aaron sat up in bed, clutching his stomach, sure that he could still feel the knife plunging into his flesh -- and Foyet entering his body. He clenched his eyes tightly closed, trying to will the memories away.

"Aaron?" Spencer was sitting up in bed beside him, those thin arms sliding around him and pulling him close. "What's the matter? Another bad dream?" His voice was soft and soothing; Aaron leaned against him, grateful for the comfort and the close contact.

Spencer's hand was stroking his hair, his boyfriend's other arm snugly around his waist. Spencer was here; offering himself as a rock in the shifting sea of Aaron's emotions; he could lean on Spencer and know that he was safe on solid ground.

His own arms were around Spencer, holding tightly onto the young man who was his rock. He couldn't stop the trembling that seemed to overtake him; it felt as though that shaking had crept into his bones, that it was a part of him.

"It was just a dream," Spencer intoned softly, the tone of his voice soft and soothing. "It's okay, Aaron. I'm here. Everything that happened is over. You've got to put it behind you." Aaron wanted to take comfort from those words, but somehow, it was impossible.

Yes, it was all behind him now -- but the repercussions were going to be with him for years to come. And the memories, as well. How did he put those behind him? It wasn't as though he could force those memories to simply disappear.

"Believe me, I know how hard it is to put a bad experience behind you," Spencer continued, his voice low. "I had to do it after everything that happened with Tobias. But neither of us has a choice, Aaron. We can't let the past consume our future."

Spencer was right, of course. But their experiences had been markedly different.

Taking a deep breath, Aaron nodded, finally lifting his head from his boyfriend's shoulder to give Spencer a grateful look. "I know," he whispered, his voice trembling as much as his body was. "But it's not that easy, Spencer. You of all people should know that."

Spencer nodded sympathetically, his arm tightening around Aaron's waist. "I know it's not," he murmured, sighing softly as he spoke. "I went through something similar myself. But you can't let it drag you down, Aaron. You've got to go on with your life."

"Sometimes I wonder if I can," Aaron whispered, the words coming out before he could stop them or even think about them. What was he saying? He was almost shocked to hear those words coming from his own mouth; he didn't mean them. Not really.

Or did he? He wished that he had the presence of mind at the moment to stand back and take stock of all that he had in his life, and weigh it against the oblivion that beckoned so seductively and seemed to hold a promise of peace.

But he was too tense and overwhelmed at the moment to be able to sort through all of his emotions in a dispassionate way -- and he knew that when he came to the end of that examination, he would choose to be exactly where he was. He wouldn't change his life in any way.

Jack needed him. Spencer needed him. And his team needed him. He couldn't turn his back on any of those people; he had to be try to be strong for them, even though he felt as though he was falling apart. He had to pull himself out of this miasma that he was slowly sinking into.

This wasn't fair to Spencer, or to anyone else in his life. He had to stop focusing on what Foyet had done to him and do his best to push it away. He'd been able to take other physical assaults and lock them away; he should be able to do the same with this one.

But this was different, that voice in his head piped up to remind him. This hadn't been just an assault by some unsub that he was hunting; this had been a personal attack, one that had touched him more deeply than he had ever thought he could be.

Foyet's attack hadn't been just on him, but on his family. There had been other unsubs who had put his team in danger, and some who had even threatened him in a more personal way. But there had been none who had achieved what Foyet had done.

It was the personal attack on his body that had undone him. He would have been able to keep control of his emotional state if it hadn't come to that. If he'd been better prepared for the attack ... if he'd been able to stave it off somehow ....

No. He couldn't have stopped what had happened.

He had to stop thinking along those lines, Aaron told himself firmly. He had to stop thinking that he was somehow at fault, that he could have done something to prevent his rape. He had to stop thinking like a victim, and think like a profiler. And like a survivor.

A wave of shame swept over him; shame for what Foyet had done to him and his own inability to stop it, shame at not being able to keep an iron control over his emotions, and most of all, shame at how he was starting to break down in front of Spencer on a regular basis.

"Forgive me," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut even more tightly as he rested his head against his young lover's chest. "I don't want to get you caught up in my problems, Spencer. It's bad enough that you've been caught in the middle of this."

Spencer shook his head, closing his eyes and pressing a gentle kiss to the top of Aaron's head. "I know how you feel," he answered, his own voice barely a whisper of sound. "There's nothing to forgive. It's okay, sweetheart. I love you. I'm here. Don't worry."

"It's not like me to break down this way," Aaron said, lifting his head and taking a deep breath as he looked into his lover's dark eyes. "I'm trying not to, but -- I can't help it, Spencer. Sometimes it all seems so overwhelming, like I'm being suffocated."

Spencer nodded, his dark eyes soft with compassion. "I know what that's like," he murmured, sympathy evident in his tone. "I've been there, you know. I went through something a lot like this. But I know it's a lot different for you. Just try to take it one day at a time, okay?"

Aaron nodded, trying to take another deep breath. One day at a time. That sounded so easy; it sounded like that something that it would be feasible to do. But he knew from bitter experience how hard it was to get through each day when his memories snapped at his heels.

It wasn't the days that got to him. He could fill the days with work, with throwing himself into other people's problems. It was the nights that were the hardest to face, when those memories roared out of the darkness, threatening to completely engulf him.

"I'll try," he answered, his voice so soft that he was sure Spencer had to strain to hear it. Slowly, the two of them moved as one to lay back on the pillows again, Aaron still in Spencer's embrace. He closed his eyes, trying to will the shaking away, one thought uppermost in his mind.

How much longer would it be before Spencer couldn't forgive him any more?

***