Title: Reflections
Author: E K Hopper
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: PG - 13
Disclaimer: I don't own them...

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As we walk through life occasionally we catch a glimpse of where we've been or where we're going.  The world moves around us at speeds beyond our control, sometimes faster than a flash of lightening, other times captive in a haunting drip like honey sliding off a spoon.  Generally we miss the stolen glances, the promising touches, the whispers that float by on a morning breeze.  If we're lucky we can understand that reality slips by with the sands of an hourglass and that nothing last longer then the brief moment we risk acknowledging it's there.  In my attempts to create my own life, my own world, I've missed a great deal of the important things.  Pausing only to see the suffocation, isolation and loss.  I fought to create me.  Not the "me" my parents wanted, not the "me" my friends would like, but the "me" that existed all on its own waiting to be found.  Its a profound realization when one learns who they became when they weren't looking.  Mine almost knocked me on my ass.

I shrugged off my mother's absence, her misguided priorities.  It was my arms that held me safe when nightmares haunted my sleep.  I found my sanctuary in books and museums and on beaches.  The wind was my comfort, the water was my home, the sand: my bed.  My mind created it's own playground where I ran with unicorns and sang with larks.  My castle was filled with ancient tapestries, all with their own unique story.  I would surrender my soul to the arms of a well loved book, musty and free.  This was my world, my place.  As years passed and I grew older whenever I became lost in the racing world around me, I always had my castle by the sea, but without so much as a glance in the mirror it faded away without me. 

I thought I was pursuing my dream.  I thought I had devoted years of my life to research and my studies so I could be what I'd always wanted, so I could find the person that I was certain who I was meant to become.  Through loss, hellish exams, college heartache, office prejudices, you name it.  I fought every battle I faced.  I found my strength in stealthy appearances and protected conversations.  I could finally be me, strong and independent.  A part of a team that relied on me and trusted me.  I finally had a home without judgment.  With all my guards and all my safe zones, I never saw that the world I'd created, the world I claimed as my kingdom, wasn't real.  It was an illusion, but not the illusion I believed it to be.  I thought it was what I wanted.  But I was wrong.  So very wrong. 

The first day I saw her it all came rushing back to me.  In her smile I felt that young child running free in a meadow on a Spring day.  In her eyes I remembered the joy of watching clouds drift by, dancing to their own orchestra in the sky.  I'd finally achieved everything I wanted, yet when I looked at her my world blurred with the mirage of my childhood castle by the sea.  In retrospect I was a fool not to see, but I didn't look.  I never took a second to acknowledge what was there.  But now, after years of hiding and running, I can't help but acknowledge the beauty before me and the spirit she freed within me.

The world moves in unpredictable ways and lives become intertwined before you realize whats happening.  Without thinking about it all the pieces of my personal puzzle fell into place.  One minute I had the job of my dreams, the next I had found family in my team.  The family provided a picture of unity and companionship.  I had a place where I belonged, where I was needed.  One minute we were all equal, the next I found something even deeper.  We gravitated toward each other.  Each day, each week becoming closer and closer.   I found a foreign comfort in her smile and a warmth that became as vital as food.  Once I touched her, aching to share her pain and sooth her sorrows.  Once I brushed her shoulder, reaching for a connection I didn't know I was missing.  And now everything is different.  Everything I thought I knew, thought was important; has faded into the background. 

Now my reality are the butterflies in my stomach, the smell of lilac drifting through the window, the spark of light dancing in her hair.  I'm still the devoted and dedicated me.  I still fight each day to catch the bad guys and make sense of this world.  But now, I come home at night to find a world beyond fairy tales welcoming me into her arms. 

If I am dreaming, may I never awake.  If I'm awake may I never forget to acknowledge this amazing gift that's been given to me.  For this, this is what makes life worth living. 

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