***
Hotch didn’t say anything on the flight to DC; he just stared out the window at the dark night sky that didn’t show even stars. It reflected his mood, the events of the last two days etched into his memory with disturbing clarity. Or, it would have disturbed him had he allowed himself to think about it, which he didn’t. He simply looked out the window, mind blanked from all the horror of watching a burn victim die and an innocent man kill himself to save others.
If the others found his behavior odd, they didn’t comment. Then again, no one ever did. One look at Gideon generally had others running in the other direction. Hotch was vaguely aware of Spencer’s hesitant approach towards the middle of the flight and made an equally vague mental note to thank him for the concern later.
Gideon got him off the plane with the occasional hand to his elbow and then guided him through the airport the same way. Hotch noticed JJ giving Spencer a lift and Garcia waiting for Morgan in the pickup zone, but felt nothing one way or the other about either situation. The only thing he did feel was a minor aggravation the Prentiss walked with them into the garage almost all the way to the car. Any other time, he would have felt bad about ignoring her hesitant ‘good night,’ but he was too far gone to respond to it.
Once inside, seatbelt automatically buckled, Hotch again stared out the window, this time at the gray concrete harshly illuminated by florescent lights.
“Aaron. Look at me.”
Hotch reluctantly obeyed, slowly turning and raising his eyes to meet Gideon’s worried gaze. He could only hold it a few seconds, though, before looking down at his hands and tugging at the seatbelt to make sure it was in place.
A long moment later, Gideon ordered softly, “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Marshalling his scattered thoughts, Hotch answered at last, “The lights are too bright outside. They hurt my eyes.”
“Anything else?”
“I’m hungry. Do you have any lasagna? I love your lasagna.”
“It’s too late at night for that, Aaron, I’m sorry.”
Hotch grimaced and slumped a little lower in his seat, foot tapping in irritation. “I guess.”
“Aaron, look at me again.”
Sighing, Hotch lifted his eyes once more and found a smile on the other man’s face. A little surprised, he asked, “What?”
“Nothing. It’s just been a while,” Gideon replied, reaching out to comb his fingers through Hotch’s hair. “I guess I should have expected it, with what's been going on lately. We’ll have to stop at the store, since I don’t have anything at the house.”
Hotch shrugged and looked back out of the window, disinterested in going to a store.
“Are you going to behave, or should I leave you in the car?” Gideon prompted.
Making another face, Hotch answered, “I’ll be good.”
“You always are, my boy,” Gideon murmured.
The car started and they left the garage.
* * * *
It had, indeed, been a while since Hotch had regressed on him. He’d anticipated it over Elle’s defection and been surprised when nothing had happened. They certainly didn’t talk about it between incidents, but a part of Jason wished that it would happen more often. Not the instigating circumstances, of course, but just being able to take care of Hotch the way he should be. God knew Haley didn’t understand even half of her too-complicated husband’s psyche. After years of knowing him, Jason still felt as though he’d barely tapped the surface.
He glanced at Hotch every now and again on the drive to the supermarket. The younger man was stretched out as much as he could, legs sprawled out and arms over his head. Hotch’s age was always different when this happened. The youngest had been eight, so far. The greater the severity of emotional trauma, the younger he went, which wasn’t a big surprise. Burn victims were bad. An innocent civilian sacrificing his life to stop the unsub was worse. Both of them together…Jason didn’t have any idea just how far back Hotch would go this time to recover from the case.
Some part of Hotch’s adult mind remained present, because he didn’t hang on Jason the way he generally did at home. He walked beside Jason and the cart, not saying anything as they went up and down aisles, picking up food and necessities. He bought not only groceries, which his empty fridge definitely needed, but also a few treats to make Hotch feel safe and happy. As much as he enjoyed this when it happened, they had a limited amount of time to bring him back into normal headspace.
Back in the car about an hour later, he actually had to tell Hotch twice to put on his seatbelt. It would be difficult to gauge how far he’d gone until they were home and Hotch felt okay with showing himself to Jason. Nothing would really happen in public and if, God forbid, something happened to him, Hotch would come back to deal with it. They’d found that out the hard way when Gideon had slipped on a loose rock the last time and sprained his ankle.
Jason smiled at the sleeping man once he parked in the driveway and turned off the engine. He hadn’t expected Hotch to fall asleep, but wasn’t really surprised that he had, not after the exhausting days they’d had. Even without the emotional wringer, Hotch had a young son at home that kept him up, more often than not.
Leaving Hotch there, Jason took care of the groceries first. He got them inside and then roused the younger man with a gentle shoulder shake. Hotch usually woke by freezing up, Jason had woken him enough times to know that. Now, though, he just yawned and batted at Jason’s hands with one of his own, mumbling, “Go ‘way.”
“Come on, Aaron, wake up. We’re home now,” Jason told him softly.
Hotch blinked at him a few times, squinting before a smile surfaced and he nodded, unbuckling his seatbelt. He leaned against Jason once upright, sliding an arm around Jason’s waist as they walked to the house.
Jason brought him to the kitchen and ordered lightly, “Sit while I make some soup.”
“Don’t want soup,” Hotch protested.
Jason hid a smile and said, “It’s late and we’re going right to bed after this, so you’re having soup.”
“Can I put away the food?”
“Sure,” Jason agreed at last, unable to disappoint such a hopeful look. “Just be careful with the glass jars.”
Hotch nodded firmly and stood, a fraction of his usual determination shining in a surprisingly open expression. The kind of look one saw on a child doing something they considered ‘grown up.’
Jason got the soup started and then picked up the kitchen phone, dialing the Hotchner number from memory. It was after
midnight, but he knew Haley would pick up.
Sure enough, on the fourth ring, she answered, “Hello? Hotch?”
“It’s Jason Gideon,” Jason replied.
“Oh. Hello, Jason. He’s not home yet, if you’re looking for Aaron.”
The cool reception was normal; they’d been rivals of sorts for years.
“I’m not. I just wanted to let you know that Aaron will be at my house for the next few days and to ask if you needed anything.”
Hotch had told him that, after the third regression, guilt had prompted him to speak to Haley about it in a vague, medical way. Not a lie, but certainly not the whole truth. They’d agreed on two things. First, that someone other than Jason would call if he were killed in the line of duty. That way, she wouldn’t freak out if Jason called when Hotch wasn’t there. Second, that when he had an ‘episode,’ Jason would simply call to let her know that he wouldn’t be coming home. Neither of them knew what she really thought about it, but she either loved Hotch enough to ignore it, or didn’t want to give up the marriage because of it.
“I see. When should I expect him home?”
Jason looked over at where Hotch stood frowning at a can of tuna with an expression that clearly said, “Yuck!”
“Probably not until Monday. I’ll just keep him here over the weekend to make sure that he’s all right.”
“Fine.”
She hung up on him.
Wincing, Jason put the phone back and joined Hotch, putting a hand on his lower back as he asked, “How are you feeling, Aaron?”
Aaron wordlessly wrapped his arms around Jason’s waist, burying his face against the side of Jason’s neck.
Immediately returning the hug, Jason pressed his lips to Aaron’s temple and murmured, “It’s okay, Aaron, you’re going to be fine, my boy. I promise.”
Jason let the hug go on until the soup looked like it was about to boil over. Pulling back, he kissed Aaron’s forehead before gently pushing him towards the table. He rescued the soup just before it bubbled onto the stove, setting it on a different burner and then pulled down two bowls and a box of oyster crackers. They were a favorite of young Aaron’s. He poured the soup and then plunked a couple of ice cubes in the bowl before doing the same to his own. It was important that Hotch didn’t feel awkward or singled out.
He watched as the younger man poured out a bunch of the oyster crackers and then proceeded to poke at them with his spoon before eating them and leaving the soup behind. Jason let it go on for a few minutes before saying, “The soup, too, Aaron.”
Aaron grimaced, but obediently began to attack the soup as well.
It didn’t take long for either of them to finish and, once Jason had put the bowls in the dishwasher, he said, “All right. Time to get ready for bed. Why don’t you…”
Hotch bolted for the stairs, taking them two at a time.
“…go on ahead and I’ll catch up,” Jason finished, grinning.
Shaking his head, Jason started to lock up for the night.
* * * *
One of the best things about Jason’s house was that it never changed. Aaron took the stairs two at a time and skidded around the corner to race to the bedroom. He went right to the bathroom, yanking off his shirt and t-shirt at the same time and getting caught in the stupid tie. He growled impatiently as he tore that off and then threw all of it to the floor. Stripping out of the rest of his clothes, Aaron turned on the water and played with the faucets just because for a couple of minutes before deciding on a temperature.
He’d just gone to the bathroom and jumped in the shower when Jason walked into the room and asked, “Did you brush your teeth?”
“I’ll do it after,” Aaron promised, opening his mouth to gargle some of the water.
“Make sure you do. And don’t be too long, it’s past bedtime.”
Aaron nodded as he spit the water out and started to wash up. He was tired, pooped really, though he couldn’t quite remember why. Shrugging it off, he washed his hair and made a mini-Mohawk before rinsing it out. Done with everything and happy with his quick time, Aaron stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, reaching back to turn off the water after.
Finally dry, he almost forgot to brush his teeth, but remembered just as he turned to run out and jump on the big bed. Making a face, Aaron grabbed a new toothbrush and brushed his teeth. That finally done, he did run out of the bathroom and jump onto the bed, flopping down face-first beside Jason.
A gentle hand smoothed his still-damp hair and Jason told him, “My turn. Get under the covers and I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” Aaron agreed into the pillow.
Scrambling fast under the covers, Aaron didn’t bother to stifle the huge yawn that surfaced. He moved over to where Jason had been, burying his face against the pillow that still smelled like him. Smiling, Aaron dozed lightly until the bed dipped and Jason shook his shoulder with a murmured, “Move over, my boy.”
He did and was shortly pulled into Jason’s arms. Aaron curled up against the broad chest, relaxing immediately as he was held and gently petted. It felt so good that between one breath and the next, he fell asleep.
* * * *
Waking the next morning was comfortable and safe, something Aaron couldn’t remember having for a long time. Not since he was last at Jason’s and that was over a whole year ago. Aaron climbed out of the bed very carefully, not wanting to wake Jason, and plundered the drawers until he found the comfy sweats he loved to wear. They were too big for him, but he didn’t care. With that and one of Jason’s t-shirts, he happily raced downstairs to grab cereal and watch tv.
He took a detour by way of the downstairs bathroom, but that didn’t stop him long. A few minutes later he had the box of crunch cereal in hand and sat cross-legged in front of the big tv in the living room. Skipping over the grownup channels, he went right for the sports channels and found a bike race.
“What happened to using a bowl?” Jason asked, some time later.
Caught, Aaron grinned hopefully up at him and replied, “I didn’t want to break anything?”
Jason snorted, which meant that he’d been forgiven, and held out his hand for the box. Aaron passed it over to him without a protest, then hopped to his feet and followed Jason into the kitchen.
Jason looked at him and asked, “You still hungry?”
Aaron shook his head. “Not really. Thirsty, though.”
“Have a seat.”
Aaron sat and watched as Jason hummed while getting him chocolate milk. He grinned on taking the cup from Jason and said, “Thanks!”
“My pleasure,” Jason replied, tweaking his nose. “So, what do you want to do today? We never finished that puzzle from before. Or I’ve got checkers and monopoly.”
Aaron thought about it before answering, “Can’t I just watch the race?”
“For a while, but I don’t want you in front of the tv all day. And you’re taking a nap after lunch, so don’t even try to get out of it,” Jason warned.
Heaving a sigh, Aaron muttered, “You always make me take a nap.”
Jason put both hands on Aaron’s shoulders as he said, “You need the rest. You don’t have to go to sleep if you don’t want to, but I want you to lie down for an hour.”
“Yeah, but I always fall asleep.”
“Then I guess you need the nap.”
Aaron grimaced and pointedly took a gulp of milk so he wouldn’t have to respond. Jason chuckled, kissing the top of Aaron’s head before moving to the stove. He watched for a minute before going back to the bicycle race. He stopped short and exclaimed, “I know! What about a bike ride? We haven’t done that in forever!”
Jason smiled at him and agreed, “That sounds like a good idea. We’ll go after breakfast. Why don’t you go get dressed? Grab the bags and bring them upstairs.”
Aaron nodded and picked up both of the small suitcases at the base of the stairs on his way up. He had just reached the top when someone knocked loudly on the front door, scaring him. No one ever knocked on Jason’s door. Never ever. Aaron dropped the cases at the landing and walked down a few steps before sitting. He saw Jason stride to the door and couldn’t help thinking just how strong he looked, even in a robe.
Jason opened the door, but not all the way. “Is something wrong?”
“I’d like to see Hotch,” a woman stated flatly.
Aaron knew that voice and recoiled from it, hugging his knees. He suddenly wished that he had Dapple, the stuffed bear Jason had given him at Christmas the year before.
“He’s not here,” Jason lied. “What do you want, Agent Prentiss?”
“Look, I didn’t speak up when Spencer was having trouble, but I’m not going to let last night pass with Hotch. I respect him too much to do that,” Prentiss said loudly, firmly. “He wasn’t completely with it, everyone could see that. And it’s completely understandable. We were all shaken by what happened.”
“All, but for you.”
Prentiss ignored the interruption and continued, “He’s not at home, the office, or the gym, so the only other place he would logically go is here.”
“Because you know him so well.”
“No, I don’t know him as well as the rest of you, obviously, but that doesn’t mean I can’t deduce where he would go if he were in trouble. And if he’s in trouble, then he should get the help he needs, not your ‘wait and see’ bullshit like what happened with Spencer. We’re lucky he didn’t wind up with a full-blown addiction, with how you and Hotch didn’t handle the problem,” she snapped.
Aaron flinched at the angry tone, putting his hands over his ears. He didn’t specifically hear what else was said, just the rumble of Jason’s voice and Prentiss’ sharp, strident tones. Closing his eyes, he rocked back and forth and prayed that he didn’t get hit again. His father wasn’t there, but maybe Prentiss knew him. Maybe she would bring him and force him to leave Jason so he could hurt him again.
He couldn’t go through that again, not even if Sean was in trouble. He was too scared this time.
* * * *
Jason couldn’t get rid of Prentiss fast enough. While he knew her heart was in the right place, she had the worst possible timing. Aaron was still in a very fragile place and her hard tone and angry demands would not have gone over well. By the time he was finally able to convince her, if he really did, that Aaron wasn’t there, he knew that the damage had been done. He shut and locked the door before turning to see how Aaron was. The younger man sat towards the top of the stairs, arms around his knees while rocking back and forth.
Moving slowly, Jason climbed the steps and cautiously greeted, “Aaron? Aaron, look at me, please.”
There was no response, so he sat beside Aaron and carefully touched a shoulder. When Aaron did nothing, Jason slowly put his whole arm around the shoulder and pulled him in close, murmuring soft, nonsensical words. It took a long time before Aaron finally unfolded enough to return the hug, burying his face in the crook of Jason’s shoulder.
Jason sighed deeply and kissed Aaron’s temple before murmuring, “It’s okay now, Aaron.”
“She scared me.”
The voice was surprisingly small, coming from Aaron and younger than he’d ever heard. Jason frowned a moment, then schooled his features so that only a smile remained as he pulled away enough to order, “Aaron, look at me.”
Wide, dark eyes looked back at him and there was something missing in there…
“Aaron, how old are you?” Jason asked gently.
Biting his lip, Aaron thought about it and then answered, “Five.”
Jason’s eyebrows went up, startled by the further regression. Although really, given Prentiss’ angry confrontation, he probably shouldn’t be.
“Is that okay?” Aaron whispered.
Immediately giving him a reassuring smile, Jason promised, “That’s a wonderful age, Aaron. Can you be a big boy and help me put the bags in the bedroom?”
Aaron brightened at that and nodded. He got up and turned to pick up one of the cases, holding it with both hands as a child might. Jason watched him a moment before grabbing the remaining case and followed him into the bedroom, mind racing. A bike ride was out of the question with such a young Aaron, but he didn’t have anything to amuse a child that age. He wasn’t even sure if Aaron would retain the ability to read.
The main thing was to make Aaron feel safe and relaxed and that, he knew how to do.
Once they were in the bedroom, Jason put the suitcase down by the one Aaron had already dropped and said, “Climb into bed, Aaron.”
“I’m not tired!” Aaron protested.
Jason smiled. No matter what age, Aaron protested being coddled. That consistency, among others, was part of what allowed him to do this. If he ever thought that Aaron truly lost himself in the regression, he would be forced to take official action. Because this was still very much Aaron, Jason could indulge them both. He’d screwed up with his own children, but be damned if he would do the same with Aaron. Whatever his sometime lover needed, Aaron would get.
“You’re not going to take a nap,” Jason assured him. “I’m going to tell you a story.”
Aaron looked hopeful at that. “With the swordfights and princesses and evil wizards?”
Nodding, Jason confirmed, “That’s the one.”
Aaron jumped onto the bed and scrambled under the covers, looking very uncoordinated as he did so. Smiling fondly, Jason discarded his robe and joined him there. Pulling Aaron into his arms so that the other rested on his chest, Jason stroked his hand slowly up and down Aaron’s back as he picked up the story where they’d left of; Prince Hotch defeating the evils of the world. Simplistic and even over-the-top in places, it was designed to reassure Aaron that he’d done the right thing; that he always did.
Not long into it, Aaron grew heavy in his arms and started to snore softly.
Jason smiled and kissed the top of Aaron’s head, deciding that it wasn’t a bad idea to go back to sleep.
* * * *
Jason woke to an empty bed and immediately bolted upright in worry, rolling out of bed and calling out, “Aaron? Where are you?”
“Down here!”
Relieved at the immediate answer, Jason took a deep breath to slow his racing heart and walked downstairs. He found Aaron sitting on the sofa eating a sandwich and watching CNN. That alone was enough to tell him what state the other man was in so he sat in his overstuffed chair and greeted, “Feeling better?”
“I am, thanks,” Aaron answered, offering a faint smile. “I was going to wake you, but you looked tired.”
It was always something of a disappointment when the other man came back to himself faster than anticipated. Wrong of him, probably, but that was just how he felt.
“I called Haley, told her that I would be back tomorrow.”
Jason nodded and said cautiously, “I’m a little surprised you didn’t stay down longer.”
Putting down the remains of his sandwich, Aaron slowly replied, “I think I scared myself, going down that far. I’ve never done that before.”
“Why did you this time?” Jason questioned gently.
Aarons sighed deeply and leaned back against the sofa, facing Jason more directly. “I wish I could say for sure, but I don’t know.”
Jason hesitated, but then prompted, “You were threatened by Prentiss…”
Huffing lightly, Aaron agreed, “I was. Very much. And don’t think I don’t see the parallels, because I do. I never thought of her like that before, not consciously at least.”
They fell silent then, nominally watching CNN. Really, Jason knew that Aaron was chewing over everything that had happened in the last few days. Not just the regression, but also the case. He waited, knowing that eventually the other man would start talking. It was one of the conditions that Jason demanded in order to continue supporting the behavior.
“I lost it, when the warehouse exploded.”
Jason nodded, but didn’t respond.
Clearing his throat, Aaron continued, “I think I lost it a long time ago, but it took a while to catch up.”
That, Jason could well believe.
“I couldn’t push her aside, though. I couldn’t shove her down and lock her away. Dying like that…” Aaron shuddered and leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. “And then for Abby to just take Stiles on himself…That wasn’t his job! That was our job!”
Jason watched as Aaron jumped to his feet and started pacing.
“I know he was going to die anyhow, I know that, but it he should have spent his remaining time with his family, his son!”
Now we’re getting somewhere, Jason thought.
Aaron stopped short, as if realizing the same thing. He sighed and gave Jason a rueful look as he sat back down and observed, “Nothing like transference.”
Jason allowed a small smile to surface as he said, “Happens to all of us.”
“Some more than others,” Aaron replied dryly. “I want to spend more time with Jack but can’t, so I flip out and regress. Great coping mechanism.”
“It’s better than becoming an alcoholic, a drug addict, or taking your frustrations and anger out on your family, who aren’t equipped to deal with you in that frame of mind,” Jason pointed out.
Aaron grimaced, but confirmed, “I know. It still feels like a copout to me, though.”
“I would rather have you regress to deal than not deal at all and take out the team one day.”
“What would you do if I regressed even further? If I ever went down so far as a toddler?”
Jason took the question seriously and thought it over. It had never occurred to him that Aaron would do so, but then, he hadn’t expected a five-year-old Aaron to make an appearance, either. He finally countered, “Do you think that’s a real possibility?”
Looking down at the floor, Aaron took a long time to answer, “I don’t think so.”
The uncertainty in the other’s voice caused Jason to say firmly, “I would deal with it, if it happened. The point of this whole thing is for you to have the space you need in your own head to deal with traumatic events. If you have to go back to infancy, then that’s what I want you to do, Aaron. I’m here for you no matter what.”
Still not meeting Jason’s eyes, Aaron asked, “Can I come over there now?”
A little surprised, Jason immediately replied, “Of course!”
Aaron walked over to him and awkwardly lowered himself onto Jason’s lap. It was the first time in a very long time that he’d taken comfort from Jason in an adult frame of mind. Jason let him get settled and then slowly rubbed his hand over Aaron’s stomach. It felt good, holding the other man, feeling the trust as Aaron’s head rested on his shoulder. Aaron stopped his hand by taking it and lacing their fingers together.
Pressing his lips to Aaron’s temple, Jason smiled and let himself enjoy the connection.
***
Dave looked up from his laptop in surprise when his doorbell rang. Getting up, he walked to the front door and looked out the peephole to find Hotch standing on his doorstep. Startled, he opened it right away and asked, “Aaron? Are you all right?”
Which was a stupid question, all things considered, but the other man had been back to work for a couple of weeks without any seeming problems. They were between cases and so far as he knew, the arrangement with Jack’s aunt was going well, so for Aaron to just show up unannounced prompted immediate concern.
Aaron looked somewhat abashed at the question and he said, “Yes. I just, can we talk?”
“Of course,” Dave agreed, opening the door further and stepping back to let him in. He locked the door and followed Aaron into the main part of the living room.
Aaron took everything in at a glance and apologized, “I interrupted you, I’m sorry.”
Waving it off, Dave replied, “Don’t worry about it. Sit. Tell me what’s on your mind. You want a drink?”
Aaron shook his head, but did sit on the sofa.
Dave sat on the loveseat, sensing that the other man needed space to talk about whatever he needed to get off his chest. It could be anything from Hailey’s death, to Jack, to a case that might be bothering him. Aaron was a little unpredictable when he decided to talk personally, one-on-one. They’d known each other for a long time now and there were still unplumbed depths to the man sitting so close. Depths that he’d wanted to explore for years, if he was honest with himself.
“Hailey never liked Gideon.”
It was an opening that Dave would never have expected, but he only nodded and waited.
Taking a breath, Aaron continued, “When Gideon was on the team, we…sometimes we were lovers.”
Dave was shocked by the blunt statement, but kept it off his face, remaining neutral.
“Hailey was jealous of him, but not because of the physical aspect. Well, no predominantly because of that. I went to Jason when I needed…more than I could get with Hailey. I took comfort from him that she simply could not provide and that made her angry and jealous.”
The pause was longer this time, so Dave said, “Okay,” to show he was keeping up.
“The comfort that I took from Jason…it wasn’t…” Aaron paused and scrubbed a hand through his hair before going on with, “I regressed.”
Dave blinked at him in surprise and responded, “Excuse me?”
“After a particularly grueling case, not too often, but often enough to have communication about it between Jason and Hailey, I mentally and emotionally regressed to childhood. I’ve gone back as far as five years of age, although typically, I range between eight and eleven. I would stay down in that headspace, for lack of a better word, for a day or two, sometimes three if the team had a longer downtime. He would look after me, let me, let me be a child who had no worries or responsibilities or fears outside of those that most children have.”
It was a lot to take in and yet, not really. For someone as locked down as Aaron, it made sense that when things overwhelmed him, there had to be a way for him to deal with all the horrors he saw and traumas he went through. Garcia hacked for fun. Morgan went through woman after woman. JJ had her family now. Spencer delved into research. As for himself, well, he made a lot of money by writing books about serial killers.
Knowing that Aaron was waiting for a reaction, Dave finally just nodded and prompted, “Go on.”
Aaron’s eyebrows rose in apparent surprise at his easy acceptance, but he said, “That’s the gist of it.”
“No, I mean why are you here now?” Dave clarified.
Aaron’s gaze lowered and he took a few seconds before saying, “I was hoping to presume upon our friendship to…ask you if, if you would take Jason’s place. I feel like I’m going crazy, Dave. I haven’t been able to decompress since Jason left the team. Not like that. And with everything that’s happened…I may need to take that early retirement if I can’t find a way to deal with it all.”
Dave thought it all over for a few minutes, turning the new information over with what he knew about Aaron from their friendship. He knew that the other man would definitely retire before putting anyone else in danger, even perceived danger, from his personal problems. “There’s no other way you can…relieve the pressure?”
Aaron shook his head and answered, “I was hoping that being with Jack and not needing to look over my shoulder would fix things, but it hasn’t. It’s helped a little, but not enough. I need more in order to keep functioning. I wish there were any other way, I hate having to ask this of you and please, don’t feel that you have to say yes. I feel bad enough even drawing you into this, if you say yes out of some kind of misplaced sense of duty or obligation…don’t. Just say yes or no, but do it only if you want to.”
Dave replied slowly, “Just to make sure we’re on the same page, you’re lookin’ for someone to look after you, babysit you essentially, while you regress to being a kid. Nothing else?”
Aaron nodded. “I ah, well, Jason was a very comforting presence for me. He was…very tactile.”
“But nothing sexual?” Dave questioned evenly.
Shaking his head firmly, Aaron confirmed, “Nothing sexual. We were lovers, but not during the times when I regressed.”
Needing to know, Dave asked, “And how do you feel about Gideon now?”
Aaron’s mouth thinned and he took a breath before saying, “It’s been three years since he left and I still feel betrayed. It’s been…difficult for me to trust anyone since then, more than usual at least. The whole situation with Foyette didn’t help. I honestly don’t think I could ask this of anyone except you. We’ve known each other a long time, Dave.”
“We have,” Dave murmured, leaning back against the cushion. “I’m assuming you’re looking for something to happen this week while we’re all off?”
Aaron nodded, fingers laced tightly together, the knuckles standing out. “If that’s all right with you, of course.”
“And what happens if a case comes up?”
“Then you tell me and I come out of that headspace. Jason sprained his ankle during one of our weekends and I came up right away. I’m still me, just…a very young me. If there’s a problem, I respond accordingly.”
Dave half-smiled and told him, “You do realize that I’m terrible with kids.”
Aaron smiled briefly. “I do.”
To most people, this would be a request to end a friendship but then, they weren’t most people. Dave knew better than most just how necessary it was to find a way to release the darkness that they all shoved deep within. Not to be calculating about it, but he’d been searching for a way to find intimacy with Aaron since before he’d started at the BAU. Aaron was the main reason that he’d agreed to take Gideon’s place and now he had the opportunity to do so.
Keeping in mind that this had to be honest on both sides in order to work, Dave told him bluntly, “I want you, Aaron, I’ve made no particular secret of that since I came to work with you, though I haven’t pursued you. And I won’t until you’re back on your feet, emotionally speaking, but I do want to. Is that all right?”
Aaron’s dark gaze shifted away from him and he swallowed before replying softly, “It is, yes.”
Dave prompted, “Are you sure? Because one thing doesn’t depend on the other. I’m happy to be here for you, give you what you need, with no strings.”
Looking over at him, Aaron confessed, “I think it’s time. I kept Jason at arm’s length because I thought I was saving my marriage, but that turned out to be a sham. All of it. I not only lost Hailey, but Jason as well. I won’t divide myself like that again. And I doubt that anyone can claim undue influence or harassment on my part if we do...start a relationship.”
Dave snorted at the thought, which caused Aaron to smile.
“For now, though, I would ask to introduce you slowly to Jack,” Aaron continued. “He’s still shy of strangers and I’m doing my best to shelter him.”
Dave nodded and agreed, “Sure, of course. We’ll go at whatever pace you want.”
Aaron bit his lip and then asked, “So…it’s all right, then? I can stay and…be safe with you?”
The words were so uncertain and filled with unspoken pain that Dave’s heart constricted. That such a good man had had so many terrible things happen to him was an anathema to Dave. He moved to the sofa and put an arm over Aaron’s shoulder, drawing him in close as he’d wanted to do so many times. Pressing his lips to Aaron’s hair, he promised, “You are always safe with me, Aaron. I assume Jack’s with his aunt? You’ve already made arrangements?”
“I did, yes. He’s with her until Monday when I’ll pick him up in the afternoon,” Aaron explained. “I’d hoped your answer would be yes.”
Rubbing Aaron’s shoulder, Dave told him, “Then just be yourself. And try to take it easy on me as a kid.”
Aaron chuckled, a soft, warm sound that went right through Dave. He sighed deeply and actually snuggled closer, as if seeking comfort, and Dave kept rubbing his shoulder. With a yawn, Aaron asked, “I’m tired. Mind if we just nap here for a while? I’ll probably wake up different.”
Dave kissed the top of his head again and ordered, “Go to sleep, kid, I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
The other man slowly grew heavy in his arms, falling asleep by degrees until he was so much deadweight. Dave used the quiet time to think everything over. It was about an hour later that Aaron stirred and when he pulled back, Dave marveled at the difference in his expression and posture. It was as if the years had literally fallen off and the smile that Aaron flashed at him was bright and curious.
“So what’re we doing today?” Aaron asked, even his voice at a higher pitch.
Curious himself, Dave countered, “Well, that depends. How old are you, Aaron?”
Aaron actually rolled his eyes and answered, “Duh. I’m twelve.”
Twelve he could handle. Anything younger than ten was dicey. Grinning, Dave suggested, “How about dinner and then we can watch a movie.”
Giving him what could only be called a sly look, Aaron bargained, “How about dinner and two movies?”
Dave laughed and ruffled his hair, provoking a squawk of protest from the now much-younger Aaron. “Let’s order some pizza and see how late the first movie goes, okay kiddo?”
Aaron nodded and hopped to his feet, looking around. “Your house is boring. Got any games?”
“Did Jason have games?” Dave asked.
Aaron’s face darkened momentarily, but he recovered and nodded. “We usually played board games or cards.”
Dave nodded and made a note to invest in some video games, not ashamed to admit that he wanted to one-up everything Jason Gideon had ever done for Aaron. “Okay. Well, I’ll order the pizza. You can go explore, just don’t break anything.”
“Yeah, I’m not a little kid or whatever,” Aaron retorted, jogging away.
Shaking his head at the strangeness of his life, Dave went to order the pizza.
* * * *
The sun was just coming up, filtering in through the shades of the large bedroom. Aaron watched Dave sleep and wondered how two very different Dads could make him feel so safe. Jason was gone, he knew that and hurt about it, hurt even still to think about it. But Dave was here now and he was good and kind and a lot of fun to be around. More fun than Jason in some ways, which made him feel a little guilty since Jason had been so good to him.
They’d had pizza and soda and stayed up way late passed midnight before sleeping in their clothes. He hadn’t even needed to brush his teeth, which gave Aaron a thrill. Jason had always been so strict about that.
Skimming his fingers over the older man’s face, he almost dared to touch the mustache, but didn’t. So very different. But Aaron knew that he’d be a good different and felt in his stomach that they’d be important to each other. Smiling at the thought, he put an arm around Dave’s waist and closed his eyes again.
Maybe he could convince Dave to get some video games.
* * * *
Dave groaned as he lowered himself to the sofa. Aaron had woken up filled with a restless energy that had needed more than movies or poker to expiate. Dave had had the stupid idea to go hiking, which the kid had loved, of course. It had done the trick, the day-long adventure wearing out Aaron in a way little else would have, but it wiped him out, too.
“God I hate nature,” he muttered, rubbing his eyes.
He took a swig of the whiskey that he’d poured and relished the burn as it burned down his gullet. Aaron was safely tucked into bed after dinner and a hot shower, knocked out as if drugged instead of just sleeping. Dave smiled as he admitted to himself that it had been a good day. He’d enjoyed the company and the exertion.
Watching the younger man run here and there, climb boulders, and just letting loose in general had made him happy in an unexpected way. Dave hadn’t ever wanted kids, but now he thought maybe he’d missed out on something. And if he managed to build a relationship with Aaron for real, than these kinds of weekends would give him what he’d never had.
Not to mention Jack, a voice inside reminded.
He would have a ready-made family in Aaron and it was something Dave was looking forward to, even with the crap they would have to wade through at work. Aaron had ‘come up’ enough when they got home to call Jack and make sure he was doing all right. As soon as he hung up the phone, though, he was right back to being twelve and demanding another movie, which Dave had avoided by getting him into the shower.
A terrified scream from upstairs launched him from the sofa without him consciously moving. When he got to the bedroom, faster than he ever remembered, Aaron was thrashing around under the blankets moaning in a despairing fear that raised the hairs on the back of Dave’s neck.
Shaking Aaron’s shoulder, Dave barely avoided a punch in the face when the younger man woke still fighting whatever demon his subconscious had dredged up. Aaron wrapped both arms around his neck, sobbing and talking over himself about the ‘bad man’ and ‘miss Jason’ and ‘killed her.’ Dave had no idea what to do, so he just held on and rubbed Aaron’s back, rocking them in what he hoped was a soothing movement.
It seemed to take forever before Aaron stopped crying and the words finally ended. Dave lowered him back down and untangled from him to go to the bathroom and rinse a washcloth with warm water. He used it to gently clean Aaron’s face and then held out a tissue box and ordered, “Blow your nose.”
Aaron did so a few times and then snuffled mightily and said, “Sorry. Didn’t mean to be such a baby.”
Dave combed his fingers through Aaron’s hair and told him firmly, “Having a nightmare is not being a baby. Neither is crying. Now. You want to talk about it?”
Not meeting his gaze, Aaron shook his head before whispering, “Older me will tomorrow. Can I go back to sleep now?”
With a nod, Dave agreed, “Sure, kiddo, go ahead. Hey, let me lock up and I’ll join you, okay? Being alone in a new place probably didn’t help.”
The grateful look that Aaron threw his way had Dave silently cursing himself for not having thought of that sooner. He turned on the alarm system and then hurried back upstairs, changing into sweats and a tee before joining Aaron under the covers. The other man instantly curled around him, his face buried against Dave’s throat as he mumbled, “Night, Dad.”
The words sent a flush of something he couldn’t quite identify through Dave, accompanied by a fierce sense of over-protectiveness. Stretched out and worn out, his thoughts finally quieted enough to let him sleep.
* * * *
Dave had to admit that Aaron looked a hell of a lot better the next morning when he woke up. Some of the lines that had seemed permanently etched into his face had faded and there was a lighter sense around him as he packed dirty clothes into his travel bag. Dressed in casual clothes and sneakers, Aaron actually looked his age instead of about five to seven years older, as he did at work.
Half-grinning, he asked, “So how’d I do?”
Aaron smiled at him and replied, “Very well, thank you. Although, make me brush my teeth next time, it felt a little grimy waking up this morning.”
Chagrinned that he’d completely forgotten that, Dave promised, “I will. You look better.”
“I feel better,” Aaron said, that small smile still present. “And I understand that there will be video games next time?”
Dave smirked a little and said, “Welcome to the twentieth century.”
Sitting on the bed, his smile fading, Aaron told him, “Jason and I would generally talk after a weekend like this, but what can I say that you don’t already know? I’m still wrestling with my guilt over Hailey’s death and killing Foyette. I’ve never lost control like that in my life, Dave, not once. To kill a man with my bare hands…I’m horrified…and terrified, that I might snap again and do it in the future. I know for a fact that I would kill to protect Jack. How can I bring that to work with me?”
Dave thought about it for a long moment before saying, “We’ve all got it in us, Aaron, you know that. Hell, I’d kill to protect you and not lose a wink of sleep over it.”
Aaron blinked at him in apparent surprise and then asked, almost shyly, “You would?”
Walking over to him, Dave squeezed his shoulder and stated flatly, “In a heartbeat. We protect our own, Aaron, and that goes even more for those we love as family. And you are family to me, you and Jack both.”
“Thank you,” Aaron murmured, standing. “That means…a lot, to me.”
Dave cupped his face and leaned in slowly, giving Aaron time to turn away. When he didn’t, Dave kissed him gently, trying to convey just how very much the other meant to him. Aaron’s mouth opened hesitantly and Dave deepened the kiss, accepting the invitation. He slid an arm around Aaron’s waist and tugged him in close while they kissed, learning the contours of his palette and making him shiver as their tongues tangled wet and slow.
Aaron broke it off and rested their foreheads together as he caught his breath. He finally said, “I should get home to Jack.”
Accepting the diversion tactic for the time being, Dave released him. “How about I take you and Jack to dinner tonight?”
Half-smiling, Aaron quipped, “As long as it’s not pizza, that sounds nice. Why don’t you stop by around six?”
Dave picked up his bag, almost daring Aaron to protest, but the younger man didn’t. “I’ll be there with bells on.”
They walked out to the car where Dave kissed him again, short and sweet and wishing for more.
“Thank you for all of this,” Aaron whispered, looking up at him.
Dave laced their fingers together and repeated simply, “You’re family, Aaron.”
That prompted that shy smile to reappear and then Aaron was in the car and driving away. Dave watched him go and then walked back into the house, for some reason unable to stop smiling.
***