Title: Shiver Ponder Wonder
By: Mokyta
Pairing: JJ/Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Aloha! This is my first fan fiction ever. Unfortunately English is not my first language and I'm sorry if you find any horrible type of mistakes.
Spoilers: The one-shot takes place randomly after the "Fear and Loathing".
Summary: Spencer Reid can't sleep and many thoughts cross his mind. Then someone shows at his door in the middle of the night.


Shiver. Ponder. Wonder. I can't sleep. Laying on the mattress, eyes open. I stare at the ceiling counting sheep, trying to breathe regularly, hearing the blood pumps through my veins, in my ears. The silence is as hollow as this room. I can't sleep. I never sleep. I know what I was, but what am I now? This is not my bed, this is not my house, this is not my life. A parallel universe?

Once I feared the darkness, now I'm quite pleased to let it envelope me. Shiver. I'm not cold despite my nakedness.

My mind is a cage, where my nightmares stay safe, where my nightmares grow stronger. Ponder. I've spent all my days thinking. Thinking. Thinking because that's the only thing I'm good at. I know what I was, but what I am now? I was so young and difficult. I am less young but more difficult. Who'd want to deal with me? Who? My mother would and she cannot, it's unfair.

I find myself alone at nights like this. I wish I had a brother or a sister, I wish I had friends. Even imaginary friends.

I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't kill, I read the Bible. Am I the perfect son who any parent would wish for?

Oh yeah I forgot, I'm a genius. Fuck being a genius. I'd rather have an empty brain than an empty heart. That's so pathetic, but I am. I wonder what it feels to melt with, what it feels to be with someone at nights like this. I want to shiver for a warm touch, ponder for meaningful words, wonder about a happy future. I can't sleep. The drugs tempt me like a devilish gorgeous woman. They tempt me desperately and the tips of my fingers are so perceptive, are so inclined to the transgress. I don't know how long I can resist and if I actually want to. Then my phone beeps, damn it scared me. It's work I guess, who would call me at midnight? I'm wrong, it's a text message. I sigh and read it. Suddenly I'm dumbfounded and petrified. Shiver, ponder, wonder. I start again. Before I could realise where my feet lead me to, a familiar form stands still on the threshold of my house. I ask myself "Reid, did you finally drift into sleep?". Her golden hair and her brilliant white teeth glow like headlights in pitch-black streets. She's smiling and I disconnect. "Hey" she says, she looks nervous. I blink twice. "I'm sorry, did I just wake you up?" she questions me frowning with concern. Why? Am I not sleeping? "No.. no don't worry, I was.. I couldn't sleep" I answer, wow I'm impressed I'm able to speak. She seems kinda relieved now and raises the corners of her cute mouth in a shy smile, I hope that my knees won't fail me. "Can I come in? It's freezing outside". Ah gosh, I'm clueless. "O-Of course, I am sorry!". I awkwardly apologise and move out the way, she walks in giggling softly.

She likes coffee. I'd take a photograph while she sips her mug, absorbed by her thoughts. Because she ponders too, like me. She's quiet and my eyes are transfixed on her beautiful face, waiting. I'm well conscious that she'd never come to my place in the middle of the night just to check how the "genius" is doing. "Spence, how are you?" she murmurs and abruptly I snap out my whirl of considerations. "I'm fine, why do you ask? I'm…I'm really surprised, I didn't expect your visit, you know" I reply faking a smile. She scrutinizes me in a strange way. "Is it about work? Or is it something wrong? I mean, it's past midnight and- but she interrupts me "I just wanted to see you". I repeat, am I not already sleeping?. I'm stunned. Shiver. Ponder. Wonder. Oh God don't tell me I gave in, don't tell me this is an hallucination, when did the needle pierce through my arm?. "See me? Why?" I have to know anyway, amused by the world of my fantasies . Her pupils look away from me, she bites her bottom lip. Why is she acting so untypical? She hesitates, I can see she's having trouble-breathing and I'm worried. "I don't know" she whispers bowing her head. What should I do?. "It happens every night. But only this time I had the guts to come" she adds. Whoa. I love this reverie.

The instant she shivers, I obviously get acquainted with the fact that I'm awake and I'm hugging the most wonderful creature I ever met. This doesn't make sense. An hour ago I was miserable in my bed, encircled by the plainness of my solitude; now I'm surrounded by the scent of sweet female perfume. Did I miss something? It doesn't matter because she clings to me as if I'd be rescuing her from an invisible enemy, an invisible danger. I am here with her. This is my bed, this is home and this is the life I long for.