Tittle: Signature
By: Liannis
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: gen
Summery: Hotchner's thoughts at the end of the S3 episode "Damaged".

***

"I wasn't very much help back there."

"Not really."

After that brief exchange, most of the ride back was made in silence. If Reid hadn't jumped in, filling the endless expanse of minutes until shift change was over with words, there may have been two new murders on the record of a condemned man. It was a stupid mistake, and he should have known better, but the papers that lay on his desk waiting for when he returned had left him distracted. They signified an end to the 'home' he'd been able to carve out amidst the depravity he was surrounded by on a daily basis.

They all had their ways. Gideon had a cabin, at least for a time that he could escape to. Morgan was a ladies' man, a serial dater whose bright smile and charming personality hid the nightmares that plagued his sleep. Garcia walled herself behind technology, but the darkness still managed to creep through. Every member of the team craved some semblance of normality in their turbulent lives, but were only able to find it briefly, if at all.

The only one who seemed relatively unaffected by it all was Reid, ironically the youngest member of the team. He'd been an outcast his entire life, tormented both by his mother and fellow children. For Reid, normal was an abstract subject, proved more and more implausible by the facts and figures he learned every day. As he'd mentioned one day, "Normal is a social construct with a positive connotation. Most people want to be what would be considered 'normal'. However, the very concept of 'normal' is an illusion. In fact, it is often those who are held up as examples of 'normal' that turn out to have beliefs and behaviors that deviate the furthest from typical societal norms. It would be more accurate to call such people average or typical." Typical Reid.

He wasn't sure why he mentioned to Reid the papers were even on his desk to begin with, but the response he received was surprising.

"You are going to sign them, aren't you?"

He didn't want to sign them, because putting his name down in ink would be proof that it was over. In all honesty, it was for the best. He was away from home so often with the team that he knew it wasn't fair to Haley. Things would be easier if he could just explain to her why he needed her so much. The team needed a leader. Even after Gideon came back, he still led as much as Gideon did. With Haley, it was different. Her support and love was what gave him the ability to lead, to save lives. Without her, he wasn't sure what would happen. But, in order to keep her by his side, he would have to open the door into his world. He would have to let her see what had changed him so that she could understand. Problem was, he loved her too much to ever do that to her. He could not hurt her any more than he already had.

One last time, he had to be strong. Lifting the pen, he signed his name. When finished, there was no feeling of relief, only a vague apprehension as to what lay ahead. Now, he would have to stand alone, for himself and the team.

***