Title: Slow Day at Quantico
By: medicgirl
Pairing: gen
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine. Still fun to play with, though
Author's note: This is just a random moment of insanity, from some fun at the ambulance service. Dedicated to Bradley, PJ, Shrek, and Doug.
Summary: Morgan and Reid get bored. This can't end well...

***

Hotch was fuming. Literally. Anyone stupid enough to get close to him cold probably see steam radiating from his head and coming out his ears. Reid. When he got his hands on the boy…No. This wasn't Reid's style. This stunt had Morgan written all over it. Only Morgan could convince Reid to pull this off.

To be fair, Reid would never have left the mess he did if not motivated by sheer terror. Hotch just happen to show up in the wrong place at the wrong time. In Reid's place, he would probably have fled as well. A little bit of blue…goo…dripped from his suit jacket onto his hand, and his rage flared within him again as he took his jacket off. Luckily, it had taken most of the damage. He was going to find the BAU's oldest adolescents and bring the wrath of God down on them. Or, at least, the wrath of a pissed off section chief. In a way, he was glad he had left his gun at the shooting range when the explosion went off. He would have to think of alternatives to shooting them.

Hotch strolled along the path from the shooting range toward the offices, trying to maintain some dignity and pretend that he wasn't carrying a jacket covered with toilet cleaner. Now he just had to find Morgan and Reid. And when he did…Several fantasies for vengeance ran through his mind, but there just weren't any good places to hide a body at FBI headquarters. He'd have to settle for coming up with the worst assignments he could ever come up with. Sending them to talk to the families on every case from now on? Nah, everyone deserved a break from that. He wanted to punish them, not torture them. Ground them to their desks for two months? Good one for Morgan, maybe. It would kill him. Reid, though, would adapt to that too well. Maybe…

His plotting was interrupted by yelling as soon as he walked in the side door. A lot of yelling. The kind he wanted very much to do. It was a maintenance entrance, and an old desk sat under the stairs, waiting to be removed. Hotch saw Morgan sitting on the desk, Reid standing beside him, shaking like a kid in the principal's office. He saw a bottle of Sno-Bol and a roll of aluminum foil carefully hidden behind the two of them. Obviously what had made the explosion Hotch had walked in on. But what bothered him the most was the overbearing prick in the Sno-Bol-covered suit suit, berating his two agents.

"-childish, idiotic stunts! You BAU people think with all your psychological bullshit that you can justify anything! Well, you will answer for this! I'll take this to the top, have your jobs, your badges, and your asses! And you, you sniveling little brat, I don't know who's dick you had to suck to get in here to begin with, but-"

Hotch stepped up and put a very firm hand on the prick's shoulder. "Excuse me, Agent Miller. I'm going to ask you only once to apologize to my agents, and then get out of here before I decide to stop being generous."

He spun on Hotch. "These two delinquents are your agents? What kind of supervisor are you? Do you know what they just did? They made a Sno-Bol bomb in the shooting range! Do you know that the ATF considers that an incendiary device? Do you?"

Morgan started to open his mouth to add his two cents, when Hotch silenced him with a look that could melt steel. "First of all, just because you think I was promoted ahead of you for reasons other than your own incompetence is no reason to take it out on my agents. Second of all, the one that's not about to have a stroke is Derek Morgan. He transferred here from the ATF. I'm pretty sure he knows more about incendiary devices than you do. Third, these two agents were nowhere near the shooting range this afternoon. They have been helping me look for the one of the maintenance crew for the past hour. I locked my keys in my office. Now, since you seem to have no intention of apologizing to Dr. Reid or agent Morgan, I suggest you get the hell away from all three of us before I lose my temper. And even if they did what you say they did, as my agents, the are none of your business. Now GO!"

The man scurried off like one of the three blind mice running from the farmer's wife, Hotch scowling at his retreating figure. He turned back to his renegade agents. "Wow, Hotch, you really gave it to that-" Morgan's grin faded when he met the ice chips that were in his boss's eyes. "We're in a lot of trouble, aren't we?"

Hotch simply nodded, enjoying the way the younger agents were squirming under his gaze. He gave the anticipation a few more seconds to work on them, and it worked. Before he could even speak, Morgan cracked. "It wasn't Reid's fault! The whole thing was my idea."

Reid wasn't about to let his friend take the heat for this. "I wanted to see what happened. I pushed him to show me."

Hotch had to turn his head to hide his smile. He was proud of the loyalty between him team members. But still…

"Both of you were responsible, both of you will suffer the consequences. Starting with the fact that someone is going to have to get my jacket dry-cleaned." He tossed it on their general direction, and Morgan caught it. "Now, follow me, and we will discuss said consequences. You two are about to find out just how sadistic you have to be to reach the rank of section chief." He started up the stairs, not looking back to see if they were following or not. He knew they were. After a few steps, he said, without ever turning around, "But I'd give anything to have seen Miller's face when it happened." With that, he continued walking toward his office.

Morgan grinned, and Reid looked at him strangely. "You know we may be about to die, right? What's so funny?"

Morgan shook his head. "Yeah, we're probably about to die. But you saw the way Hotch dealt with that Miller guy. Like a mama wolf protecting her pups?"

Reid actually broke into a grin at that. The image was just too accurate to shrug off. He could eat his "pups" alive if he wanted to, but God help anyone else that messed with them! "Okay," said Reid. "I'll give you that. And if you will stop trying to drag me out to those insane nightmares you call clubs, I won't tell Hotch you called him a girl!"

***

"You know this is quite possibly the worst idea in history, right?" Reid asked Morgan, his voice quivering slightly. He could not believe his friend was actually going to do this.

Morgan grinned his charming 'innocent-as-a-choirboy-with-a-crooked-halo' grin. "Worse than Hitler breaking his alliance with Russia?" He was quite proud of having a suitably Reid-like reply as he readied his supplies.

"Actually, it wasn't an alliance, it was a non-aggression pact, but yes, definitely worse than that! Possibly even worse than the failed takeover of the Avertenge tribe by their sworn enemy Slevana and twenty warriors in central America in 1108 A.D.!"

Morgan, who should be used to the things that came out of Reid's mouth, stared at him for a few seconds trying to formulate a response. Finally, he settled for "WHAT?"

"They were trying to stage a coup and couldn't get enough backing but- never mind, this is definitely a worse idea! We're going to get fired, we're going to get arrested, and…and Hotch might gnaw off our hands just for good measure!"

Morgan chuckled as he checked the seal to make sure it was airtight. This might just be the end of his career, but it would certainly be the funniest thing he'd ever seen. And Garcia had his back, working over the security tapes for him. Editing it to keep him out of it, and making him a backup copy of the end result. However, just because he was willing to risk his own career didn't mean he would be so reckless with his best friend's. "You're right, Reid. There's a lot that can go wrong here. This is a bad idea. Go down to the cafeteria, flirt with that pretty girl who makes the coffee. I'll give you ten minutes to get down there and get her attention, that way you have an alibi."

Reid looked hurt, mistaking Morgan's words for dismissal and disappointment. "No way! I said I was in, and I'm in!"

If possible, Morgan's grin got even wider. This was going to be great, but somehow Reid misbehaving made it even cooler. The kid was way too straight-laced for his own good. "Okay, I'll feed the line into position, we turn it on, and then get over to that lounge to watch the fun."

Reid examined the setup Morgan was finishing. It looked like something off Rescue 911. An empty bag that had once held IV saline had a piece of rubber tubing taped into the port. The other end of the tube was hooked to an oxygen tank. "Are you sure this will work?" He asked. "How did you figure this one out?"

Morgan checked the tubing one more time. "You remember those paramedics from the standoff fiasco? The red-headed girl and the really tall guy?"

Reid nodded. "Ray and MacKenzie?"

"Yeah," Morgan agreed. "Anyway, I've hung out with them a little bit. We got to be friends. They told me about this one." He shook his head. "Mac's a devious little thing. I didn't think she had one like this in her. She did make me promise her one thing, though. Made me promise I wouldn't let "that cute skinny guy that knows everything" get in any trouble."

Reid turned red. "She did NOT say that!"

"Yeah, she did. I think she'll regret saying it though. Ray hasn't let her hear the end of it."

Reid shook his head. "I still say this is insane. While you're paramedic friends may be brilliant pranksters, I'm sure even they would frown on using their trick on Section Chief Strauss!"

Morgan shrugged. "Yeah, well…you know how it is…Last chance, in or out?"

Reid stubbornly set his jaw. How did Morgan always manage to make him feel like the 12-year-old in high school again? "In. Let's do it!"

Morgan took the empty saline bag and slid it under the section chief's door. Then nodded to Reid to turn the oxygen tank on, low enough that Strauss wouldn't hear the hissing. Morgan pointed toward the lounge across the hall, and the two of them raced over to the doorway. "Plug your ears," Morgan advised him. "It's going to be loud."

Reid did as he was told, and Morgan grabbed two cups of coffee. He crouched beside Reid and set the second cup of coffee in front of Reid, who looked at it questioningly. Morgan sat his in the floor in front of him and covered his own ears, so Reid didn't change postures or reach for the coffee. Morgan knew what he was doing, right?

They stayed that way for nearly another minute when there was a sudden BANG! loud enough to be a gunshot, followed by a scream from the section chief. Morgan shot to his feet, grabbing the coffee and ran into the hallway just as Strauss ran out of her office, holding the busted plastic bag. ""What's going on, Ma'am?" Morgan demanded, one hand on his gun, holding his coffee with the other, the picture of terrified innocence. "I thought I heard a shot! Are you okay?"

The section chief was breathing hard, clutching her chest with the hand that wasn't holding the IV bag. "No shot, Agent Morgan. Just a bad prank. Did you happen to see anything?" She was fuming, he could practically see steam coming from her ears. It took all his self control to keep his innocent, concerned expression. Panic almost slipped in when she looked past him and said, "What about you, Dr. Reid? Did you see anyone?"

Eyes wide, complete deer-in-the-headlights, Reid was standing in the doorway to the lounge. He shook his head vigorously, and Morgan thought their cover was blown. How could anyone not read guilt on the young man's face? But she simply nodded. "When I get my hands on whoever it was, they'll be lucky if they can get a job at McDonald's!" She stalked off down the hall in search of her tormentors.

By the time they were back in the bullpen, word had spread about the prank someone had pulled. She had threatened to have the oxygen tank fingerprinted, but with a little help from Prentiss (who can be quite persistent when a distraction is needed), the tank 'walked out' of her office while she chatted with Prentiss. Reid still looked nervous and guilty, and Morgan was still sure he would give them away.

They were settled down in their respective chairs, but both spun around when someone cleared their throat behind them. Hotch was standing there, looking dour and imposing over the two seated agents. "Agent Morgan," he said with the finality of a judge declaring a death sentence. "In my office. Now."

Reid looked at his friend, panic showing in his eyes, but there was a determination there too. "Hotch, Morgan di-"

Morgan put his hand on Reid's shoulder. "I got this, kid," he said kindly. "Chill." Reid stared up at him sadly, trying to convey how much it was going to kill him to let his friend take the bullet for him. He smiled bravely and followed Hotch into his office.

Hotch held the door open and shut it behind Morgan, who then flopped into the chair across from the desk. His boss leaned over him for a moment, then fished his wallet out of his pocket. He dug around for a second and handed Morgan a fifty dollar bill. "I have to hand it to you, Morgan. I never thought you would have the guts to do that. Remind me never to bet with you again!"

***

"Reid, I gotta say, I'm impressed," Morgan said as he examined the small piece of plastic tubing the younger agent had handed him. "Very impressed." He grinned and took a drink of his coffee. "Almost as impressed as I am that you actually asked Mac to go out with you."

Reid turned roughly the color of raspberry jelly. "I didn't ask her to go out with me. I merely pointed out that I was going to that particular coffee shop at that particular time and that if she also felt the desire for coffee at that time I would be glad to buy her a cup. And you know paramedics are statistically very close to police in the consumption of caffeinated beverages and-"

He was getting more and more nervous just talking about it and was talking faster and faster, so Morgan stopped him while he could still make out individual words. "So, when the conversation lapsed, you asked her for more prank advice, and this is what she had?"

Reid shrugged. "Actually, it was Ray's idea. He stayed in the ambulance for a long time, but he kept playing music over the two-way radio. Finally, Mac went out and got him, said that he wouldn't leave us alone until she did. So when I mentioned that the other prank went over well, he told me about this one. So, you in?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

A little bit of Scotch tape secured the nasal cannula, a small piece of plastic tubing EMS workers use to give their patients oxygen, around the lid of the toilet tank. The other end had been secured to the valve that pumped fresh water into the bowl. It was completely hidden, the only thing visible was the two prongs front and center that were made for going into a person's nostrils, and that was only if you knew what you were looking for. Stopping once more to examine their handiwork, Reid and Morgan walked casually out of the men's room. "So," Reid asked, suddenly nervous as he realized that he had just instigated the prank version of terrorist warfare. "Who do you think we'll get?"

Morgan shrugged. "I don't know. Whoever had the most coffee this morning, I guess."

Reid was suddenly sure this was a bad idea. It had seemed so simple, when talking to Ray the night before. The paramedic had even given him the nasal cannula to use. Now he wasn't sure if he had ever thought it had been a good idea, or if he was just eager to impress his date's partner. "Morgan, maybe we should…" He wasn't sure how to finish that sentence, but it had something to do with fixing the toilet before anyone got wet.

"You know, that's a good idea, Reid."

Reid looked at him, confused. "But I didn't exactly say anything."

"Sure you did," Morgan replied, taking his friend by the arm and leading him at a quick pace down the hallway. "You suggested we should get out of here as quick as we can."

"Quickly."

"Huh?" Morgan wasn't sure if he was agreeing with him or-

"As quickly we can…quick is an adjective and quickly is an adverb."

Morgan rolled his eyes. "How about fast? As fast as we can?"

Reid nodded. "That works."

"Okay." They started down the hall, as 'quickly' as they could without looking conspicuous. But it was too late. Before they were halfway down the hall, they almost collided with Rossi. "'Scuse me, boy," he said, sidestepping them. "Too much coffee this morning."

Reid's stomach turned and he looked at Morgan in alarm. If it was anyone else…even Hotch had a deeply hidden sense of humor. But Rossi? No one but Hotch knew enough about him to even consider this stunt on him. Morgan had no idea what to do, but with Reid looking at him like that kid looked at Indiana Jones in The Temple of Doom, he had to do something. "Rossi!"

The older agent turned around. "Can this wait? Kinda in a hurry here."

Morgan winced. "Uh…There's no toilet paper in there."

Rossi looked at him funny. "Are there paper towels?"

"Yeah."

"Soap, water, all the other essentials?"

This wasn't going well. "Yeah."

"Then I'll survive." He walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

"What do we do now?" Reid whispered to Morgan.

"We run like Hell!" Morgan whispered back urgently, shoving the younger man first and following close on his heels. It wasn't an answer, but it would at least delay their impending doom. In fact, wasn't it almost lunch time? Yeah, today was definitely a good day to go out to lunch.

Reid sat at his desk, and took a sip of coffee out of his travel mug. It had been uneventful since he and Morgan had returned from a long lunch, lingering over their food and drawing it out as long as they could. Neither was in a rush to get back to what awaited them. They knew without a doubt Rossi knew it was them, and they figured he would have their heads on a platter. Hotch had been scary. Strauss had been terrifying. But Rossi? Reid swore he would never pull another practical joke again.

He glanced over at Morgan, who was hunched over his desk as if trying to hide. Then he jumped a mile as he felt a hand on his shoulder. "How's it going, Reid?" Rossi asked, conversationally.

"I-uh-not bad, sir!" he stuttered. Morgan glanced his way and winced.

"Have a good lunch?"

"Uh-huh…" Reid answered.

Rossi pointed to Reid's coffee. "Nice mug…where'd you get it?"

Reid was totally unnerved by the line of conversation. He was prepared for yelling, or anger. This was something he didn't know how to handle. "Um…Garcia brought it back for me. From Palm Beach."

"May I see it?" Rossi asked, putting out his hand. It seemed such an innocent question, and Reid had no choice but to comply. Besides, maybe he really was just being friendly. He had read about how sometimes practical jokes could sometimes be viewed as a gesture of acceptance. Maybe that's how Rossi took it…

"Sure," Reid said, offering the mug.

Rossi looked closely at the blue palm tree on the background of a red beach, sort of a photo-negative. "So, I heard you went out for coffee with that little paramedic girl."

"Uh, yeah. Mac. She's nice.

"Cute little thing. How did it go?"

Reid wasn't sure how to answer that. He wouldn't be sure even if he wasn't looking for a double-meaning in everything Rossi said. "Okay, I guess. Gonna see her again?"

"Actually, we're meeting for dinner Friday."

Rossi smiled. "Paramedic, huh? I bet you'll get familiar with the ambulance then, huh?"

Reid definitely didn't know how to answer that. "Huh?"

"Oh, nothing."

He was still contemplating it when another voice spoke up from the other side of the room.

"Reid!" Hotch exclaimed from the door of his office. "Do you have those reports done yet?"

Reid furrowed his brow. "But their not due until tomorrow!"

Hotch nodded. "I know. Just checking up on you." He disappeared back into his office.

Reid shrugged. That was odd. He turned back around. Okay…now Rossi was gone too. He looked over at Morgan, who shrugged. Not a clue, e seemed to be saying. Well, Rossi hadn't taken his coffee, so Reid picked up the mug to take a drink…

And promptly spit it back out as sticky brown foam bubbled out of the now-open lid. "What the…?"

Hotch walked out of his office, Rossi close behind, both trying in vain to hide their smirks. "I thought I said no more 'physics magic' at your desk, Reid."

He had grabbed a handful of paper towels and began mopping up the mess. "But I-"

Rossi looked at him. "Besides, Alka-Seltzer in the coffee isn't magic. That trick is older than you!"

Reid shot Morgan a look, and you didn't need to be a profiler to interpret it. It's on!

***