Title: Every Little Step
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3 20_est_relships
Prompt: 7, Understanding
Author's Note: Set after the events of Nameless, Faceless.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Aaron Hotchner or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Spencer's footsteps slowed as he walked down the hallway towards Hotch's office; the blinds were drawn, and he knew that the other man probably didn't want to be disturbed. But he had to talk to Hotch, regardless of how his words were received.

Their budding relationship had been stopped cold by what had happened between Hotch and Foyet; Spencer didn't know exactly what had taken place, but he knew that it had affected the man he loved to the point where Hotch was pulling away from everyone close to him.

Especially Spencer.

They had been moving along so steadily up until the explosion of Foyet into their lives. He and Hotch had been on a few dates; they'd kissed, they'd expressed their feelings for each other. They hadn't made it to bed yet, but Spencer knew that was coming.

And then -- everything had come to a screeching halt, a sudden stop that had mystified Spencer. Yes, he knew that Foyet had attacked Hotch and stabbed him several times. But there must have been something more, something that Hotch wasn't telling anyone.

Whatever that something was, Spencer was going to get to the bottom of this. He wasn't going to let the personal relationship that he'd started to develop with Hotch just dissolve because of Foyet. He cared too much to let what was between them die.

The question was, did Hotch feel the same way? Were his feelings for Spencer strong enough for him to get past whatever Foyet had done that had sent him scurrying into a black hole that he was hiding deep inside and locking everyone else out of?

Spencer bit his lip, leaning against the door of Hotch's office and closing his eyes. No one else was here; all of the other BAU team members had gone home. No one would hear what the two of them said; it would all be personal and confidential, just between them.

So why did he feel so reluctant to go into Hotch's office and talk to him?

It wasn't as though he was afraid of the other man, of what he would say. No, Hotch wasn't the kind of person who was going to say or do anything to make him feel as though he had to be scared. But part of him was terrified to start this conversation.

But he had to. He had to find out what had happened to Hotch, and whatever it was, he had to try to heal what damage Foyet had caused. Spencer had the feeling that his entire future with Hotch would depend on being able to heal that fissure growing between them.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked softly on the door, then opened it and peered inside Hotch's office. The other man looked up, a startled expression on his face, as though he hadn't expected anyone else to be here. Well, he probably hadn't, Spencer thought wryly. No one usually was.

"Hey," he said softly, forcing a smile onto his features. "Can I come in? I wanted to talk to you about soemthing, and I thought it was best to wait until everybody else had gone home so we could have a little privacy. It's not something I can discuss in front of them."

Hotch hesitated for just a moment, then nodded and indicated the chair in front of his desk. Spencer closed the door carefully, then moved to sit down, leaning forward and placing his hands on the desk as he gazed into the other man's face.

He wasn't going to wait, or beat around the bush. He'd say what needed to be said, get it out into the open, and they could work from there. Spencer wasn't entirely sure how to put what he had to say, so he just let the words come out.

"I need to know what Foyet did to you," he said softly, his words barely above a whisper.

Hotch leaned back in his leather chair, attempting to look calm. But Spencer had seen that expression of surprise cross his face; for just a split second, the other man had looked shocked, as though Spencer had tapped into something he wanted to keep private.

"You've been pulling away from everybody for the past few days," Spencer said softly, keeping his gaze fixed on Hotch's face. "That's not like you. And I know it had something to do with him. Tell me what he did, Hotch. I want to fix it, if I can. I want to help."

Hotch simply sat there, looking at him, their gazes steady as they stared at each other. When the other man finally spoke, his voice was heavy with regret -- or was it fear? Spencer couldn't tell; maybe it was both emotions rolled into one.

"You can't help, Spencer," he finally said, his voice even lower than Spencer's had been. There was a defeated tone to his voice, something that Spencer had never heard before. And it frightened him more than he could begin to put into words.

"Why not?" Spencer asked, trying hard to keep his voice steady. "Just tell me why not."

"Because ...." Hotch's voice trailed off; he broke eye contact with Spencer, looking down at his hands clasped on the desk in front of him. "Because you don't need to know what Foyet did to me. I don't want you to know. You can't change it."

"Hotch ...." Spencer's voice broke on the name. "What did that bastard do?" It took a few moments for him to realize that he was cursing; his own eyes widened in surprise at the same time that Hotch's did. He didn't usually use language like that.

But this was Hotch he was talking about; this was the man he was falling in love with. Not just his boss, not just his friend and teammate; this was the man he might well spend the rest of his life with, if their relationship kept progressing.

Hotch swallowed, the sound loud in the silent room. Spencer didn't take his eyes off the other man; he had the definite feeling that if he did, he might miss something important, something that might clue him in to how Hotch was feeling and what he was going to say.

"If you know, then you might not want to be with me any more," Hotch said, the words barely audible, even though he was sitting only inches away from Spencer. "I've already lost too much, Spencer. I don't want to risk losing you, too."

"You won't lose me." Spencer said the words with authority, absolutely convinced that what he said was true. How was Hotch going to lose him? There was nothing that Foyet could have done to him that would make Spencer turn away or not want to be with him.

"Are you sure?" Hotch stared at him so intently that Spencer almost felt uncomfortable under that steady, penetrating gaze, but he wouldn't look away. "Once you know, you can't just push it aside. It's something that we'll both have to deal with."

Both of them. Spencer felt a wave of relief wash over him; Hotch wasn't telling him that their brief relationship was over, then. He still intended for them to be together if he wanted both fo them to face whatever it was that Foyet had done.

"Positive," Spencer said, keeping his voice firm, the single word coming from him in a strong, vibrant tone. "Hotch, there's nothing he could have done that would make me care about you any less. I'm going to help you through this. You just have to let me in."

Hotch nodded, dropping his gaze, as though he couldn't bear to meet Spencer's eyes. When he looked up, the pain in his dark gaze was almost palpable; it hit Spencer like a fist to his gut. He'd never seen anyone look so wounded, so lost.

"He .... he raped me."

For the second time in only a few moments, Spencer felt as though he'd been sucker-punched. He wanted to shake his head, to gasp aloud, to pretend he hadn't heard those words. But he had -- and Hotch was right, he couldn't push them aside.

But what he could do was offer this man comfort, let him know that they would work through this together. Spencer wasn't sure where to start, but he knew one thing. He wasn't going to let Hotch deal with this alone. He was going to be there, by his side, every little step of the way.

"I'm here, Hotch," he said softly, reaching out to take the other man's hand. "And I'm not going anywhere. No matter what he's done to you, it's not going to make you lose me. We'll get through this together. And we'll find him -- and put him behind bars where he belongs."

When Hotch smiled at him, Spencer could sense the vulnerability behind that smile. But they were here, they were together, and Hotch was holding his hand. Holding on so tightly that it felt to Spencer as though he was clinging to a lifeline -- one that neither of them would ever let go.

***