Title: Yours to Hold
Authour: prettychemistry
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Criminal Minds in any way, I only write these for entertainment.
Pairing: Reid/Morgan
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: FRAO/NC17
Warnings: language (swearing, sexual references), the final installment contains a fairly graphic sex scene.
Spoilers: Up to and including 4x24: Amplification.
Summary: My "Amplification" fic response. Because that episode needed a M/R ending.

***

When he caught his first view of Reid lying in his hospital bed, skin, gown, and sheets white-on-white-on-white, Morgan thought he was dead. His stomach clenched like a fist, and for the second before he saw the kid's chest rise with a new breath, everything was cold.

He never made the decision to move, he just found himself sitting on the edge of the bed in the next moment, wrapping Reid gingerly into his arms. Morgan pressed his face into soft brown curls, fiercely suppressing the urge to try and shake his friend awake. He knew that would only hurt.

"God, Reid. Fuck. You gotta wake up, man. I know you can beat this. You're too strong to go out like this, you're too good. I know you're gonna open your eyes and talk to me." He heard himself talking before he knew what he would say. His instincts were way ahead of his brain. It was a relief ... he'd been too deep in his own head the last while, worrying about cases, about friends, about this. He was a heart-above-head kind of guy by nature - it was what kept him moving, jumping out of ambulances and onto trains.

He should've given over to his heart long before then.

Morgan lay Reid back down on the pillow as gently as he could, brushed the younger man's hair back from his face. Looking down at him, his sunken eyes and cracked lips, he knew it was way past time.

"Reid. Man, nothing is how it should be today, and I'm sorry for that. I wanted this to be right for us, to wait until I knew you were ready to hear it... I thought you'd give me more time. Bad shit always happens to you, it's like you can't even help it, but not like this. I could try and help before, do something, but you've got fuckin' anthrax, Reid, and I..." He swallowed hard. "I need you to survive. I need you around pretty boy, telling me crap I don't wanna know about Star Wars, and showing up at my house with Indian food after every single child molestation case. I don't even like curry, but I never said so, because... because just seeing you on my doorstep with that bag of takeout makes my entire world better. And if you die, you're making me the guy who finds the right person to share his life with and doesn't say anything until it's too late. I don't want to be that guy. You've gotta give me a chance, because I promise you - I'm the man who's going to love you like you deserve." Morgan bent his head, brushed his lips over Reid's cheekbone, and prayed. "Wake up, baby boy, stay alive."

Morgan startled sharply when he felt a dry cough wrack the body beneath his. Reid's eyelids fluttered, opening just a sliver, and he groaned. "Lie me lead flee."

Watching his friend's ashen face, Morgan understood that if the aphasia hadn't intervened, Reid would have said I love you too.

***

When I go fishing for the words
I am wishing you would say to me,
I'm really only praying
That the words you'll soon be saying
Might betray the way you feel about me.

Morgan waited.

Doctors had been by repeatedly to check the many machines and monitors connected to Reid, to examine every aspect of his physical functioning. Dr. Kimura had assured him personally that the cure was working, not only on Reid, but on the four surviving patients from the park attack as well. Reid was getting better. They just had to wait for him to regain consciousness.

The rest of the team had come and gone, periodically. It was the middle of the night, and they had homes and loved ones to return to. Morgan wasn't going anywhere, despite the reassurances he'd been given that his friend would be fine. Despite the fact that he hadn't slept in almost two days, that it was 2:46 in the morning, that the plastic chair he was sitting on had caused his ass to go numb hours ago.

Reid would be all right. He believed that. It was the word "friend" that was the problem now.

How much of what he'd said had Reid understood, or even heard?

The one thing he knew for certain was that Reid had opened his eyes, so briefly, had seem him there and given him four words. Four words that didn't, in themselves, make any sense, but they were all Morgan had for now, until he could get more.

The kid's expressive caramel eyes had, in that moment, given him the hope that Reid felt what he did. He'd believed, at the time, but now he doubted himself. Because,  maybe he was seeing what he wanted to see. Maybe he always had been. In days of confessed nightmares in the break room and impromptu physics lectures at his desk; in nights on his couch with a six-pack, some takeout and a movie; in a close call and a thanks for the rescue. Something in Reid's microexpressions and gestures and tells had told him to be patient and let it build between them. Could he have been wrong? Could he have wanted it to be more so badly that he'd deluded himself?

The possibility filled his head and wouldn't let him go home. He had to know for sure.

So he stayed, and he waited. And he prayed.

To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.

***

~~~
Every single day, I find it hard to say, I could be yours alone.

You will see someday, that all along the way, I was yours to hold.
 ~~~

When Reid came out of the bathroom, finally dressed in real clothing after two days in hospital pyjamas, he found Morgan lounging in the plastic chair, eating Jell-o. Green, this time.

"You said there wasn't any more!" he protested, feeling more than a little betrayed.

Morgan just spooned some more into his mouth. "I chatted up that nurse. Don't look at me like that ... you went and got anthrax."

"Yeah, that's why they gave me the Jell-o."

Morgan just laughed, finishing the snack in one huge bite and pitching the plastic cup into the trash. He slung Reid's bag over his shoulder, ready to take the genius home. "I'll get some on the way to your place, okay? What's your favourite flavour?"

"Blue," Reid told him absently, then stopped short. "Morgan. Wait. Should I..." He cleared his throat, not quite meeting his friend's eyes. "What you said to me, um, before... Should I pretend I don't remember it?"

Morgan blinked, taken aback. "No. Of course not."

"It's just that, well, I was sick, maybe dying, and you freak out when I'm in trouble. You weren't really thinking rationally. I'm not going to ... to hold you to it, that's all."

"Reid." Morgan stepped forward and grabbed him none-too-gently by the wrist. "What you wanna do about it is up to you, but I know how I feel. I hope you trust me enough to believe I'm being honest with you."

 The younger man couldn't seem to take his eyes off of the place Morgan's hand gripped him. "I trust you. I'm giving you an out, if you want it," he replied, voice sounding smaller than he meant it to.

"Look at me." Morgan tilted his friend's chin up gently with his free hand, making Reid meet his eyes. "I don't," he told him firmly. "Okay?"

Reid swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. "Yes. Okay."

"Good." Morgan released him, and turned away once more, toward the doorway. "C'mon, kid. I'm taking you home."

From the set of his broad shoulders, Reid could tell that Morgan was as nervous as he was ... just better at hiding it. It was a relief, knowing that. He smiled and followed.

"You'd better come through with that Jell-o, or I'll tell Garcia you didn't take good care of me."

"I am gonna get you the Jell-o, all right? Man, no one likes to eat sugar more than you, kid."

"You hit on my nurse just to get some! I bet you have her number in your pocket right now."

"I didn't get her number, Reid."

"I find that hard to believe." He stopped Morgan in the doorway, reaching an arm across his body and fishing in the older man's pocket. Morgan went still, but Reid barely noticed until he was holding up the slip of paper triumphantly. "I knew it, Morgan ... What?"

Reid smelled like hospital soap, and Morgan couldn't believe he didn't know what the kid usually smelled like. He was immobilized by the urge to wake up next to him every day, to read the newspaper together as Derek and Spencer in a home that was theirs.

He snapped out of it, shaking his head and snatching back the phone number, tossing it into the trash on his way out into the hall. In a way, he felt more powerless now than when he'd been standing on the other side of that glass door.

***

Reid had gotten quiet and distant on the drive from the hospital, insisting over and over that he was fine. Morgan was going to let it lie and just leave as soon as he'd seen the kid settled in. But then Spencer dug into his blue Jell-o cup with all the ardour of a small child, sitting on his kitchen counter with his long legs dangling, and Morgan walked back over, pulled his head down, and kissed him.

And Reid pushed him away.

Morgan could only watch as Reid slid off the counter, leaving his snack behind, and stepped a friendly distance away, looking at him ... of all ways - benevolently. Irrationally, Morgan's first thought was that he might actually die from being so mortified.

"I'm sorry, man, I thought ..."

"It's fine, Morgan. I know you're confused ... you have... feelings, for me, and I had a really close call." The young doctor stood awkwardly, his hands still fiddling with his spoon. "But that doesn't make this," he gestured at the space between the two of them, "a good idea."

"If you're talking about the fraternization rule, I don't give a fuck about it, kid. All I care about is how you feel about me. That's what I don't know."

Reid sighed, pushing a hand through his hair. "It's not just work, Morgan ... you're not gay. Have you ever dated a man before?"

"That's what you're worried about?" Morgan took a step closer to him. "You'll teach me. I'll get a book, and ... and porn. I'll learn how to do it, Reid. You're bisexual, or whatever, yeah?"

"No, Morgan, I'm not. I'm gay. Which it never even occurred to you to ask me all these years you've been teasing me about not being good with women." He set the spoon onto the counter firmly. Morgan could tell by the tension in his posture that Reid was far from pleased. "I date, I have boyfriends and lovers - I have a life you're not part of. And you think, what, that now you've decided we should be more than friends I'll jump at the chance? You haven't even asked me if I'm seeing anybody, which just proves you're not serious about this."

"Not serious?" It was Morgan's turn to get pissed off. "I'm in love with you! I've been head-over-my-fucking-heels for a year! I sat next to your hospital bed for a day and a half, watched you suffer because I wouldn't let the doctors give you any morphine, ‘cause I knew how much you'd hate it if getting sick made it harder for you to stay clean. I've always had your back, I'm always serious about you. What's it gonna take to make you see that? Do you want to move in with me? Fuck, why not drive up to Vermont and get married? I'll go buy a ring right the hell now."

Reid had gone pale. "Morgan..."

"I don't even care that you're a guy, Reid! I've been straight my whole life, but now every time I see you, I want to rip your clothes off and lick you. I'm yours, only yours, but you won't see ..."

Reid's lips on his rendered Morgan silent immediately. The kiss they shared was slow and eager and sweet, and felt exactly like coming home after far too long away.

***

"I feel like I've been wasting time by moving in so slow. If you wanted me to treat you like that, why didn't you say so?" ... New Blood Revival, "Heads Will Roll"

~~

Morgan had trouble sleeping at Reid's place. The kid's mattress was way too soft, he always felt like he was sinking towards the middle of it. Which would be fine, except that Spencer didn't seem to like sleeping cuddled together, so he was always trying to stay on his own side.

He had come to hate his side. He didn't sleep over because he wanted his personal space, he slept over because he wanted into Reid's.

It had been three months since their first kiss, first fight, and second kiss ... all within twenty minutes ... and they'd had plenty more of both since. Morgan loved first base, and second base; he loved kissing Reid and touching him, being able to make him come. He really loved third base, when the kid would get that spark behind his eyes, and then insist on going down on him ... even though he wouldn't let Morgan return the favour.

And yet some kind of barrier hung between them, delineating what was allowed and what was not. The days when he was so hot for Reid that he wanted to shove him up against the wall and take him, well, he didn't. And those days were coming more and more often.

Like that night. Reid had cooked them dinner, they'd made out like teenagers on the couch while pretending to watch a movie, and he'd taken his genius to bed. And been pushed away, gently, with a We have that briefing in the morning, even though it wasn't that late, and he could feel Spence's erection very clearly against his own thigh. Now he was left trying to sleep on his side of his boyfriend's bed, horny and rejected and more than a little confused.

"Why the fuck do I have a side of your bed?" he blurted loudly into the darkness. He watched Reid tense quite obviously, since the small lamp (not to be referred to as a night-light, ever, even in his own mind, unless he wanted a demo of the genius's ever-improving marksmanship) cast a dim glow over the bed and its occupants.

"Would you prefer to trade?" the kid replied stiffly.

"No. I'd prefer to know why you agreed to date me when you don't want me to touch you."

"What?" Reid sat up, backlit by the lamp in a way that made his unruly curls shimmer golden. "Since when are you not allowed to touch me?"

"Since you push me away almost every time I try to, man! I bought a box of condoms the first night you slept over at my place, and I'm starting to worry about the expiry date. And it's not that you aren't ready to go that far, ‘cause you wont let me suck you off either. So what's your deal? You don't trust me yet?" Morgan propped himself up, not wanting to lie prone through the argument he knew was just getting underway.

"No."

"What?"

"No, Derek, I don't trust you. No. Are you happy now?"

Morgan was out of the bed and looking for his jeans before it even occurred to him to ask Reid why. It didn't really matter, after all, did it? "Six years I've had your back, without fail, and you don't trust me to take care of you in bed ... fine. That wall you put up around you has got barbed wire and fucking crocodiles in the moat, kid." He found his pants and started dragging them on.

"Oh, right, I'm screwed up for not wanting a straight guy to fuck me. That makes sense," Reid shot back, grabbing his glasses off the nightstand and shoving them on. "I've met men like you before, Morgan ... it's all good until you're put in a position where someone might think you actually like guys, and then you bail. Excuse me for trying to put off the inevitable."

"Oh my God, Reid ... I like guys! What, you're the first man I've fallen for, so it doesn't count? Just kissing you gets me hard. I look up from photos of eviscerated bodies and think about whether we'd break your desk if I fucked you on it! I'm pretty sure that makes me not straight. I think you're brave and caring and funny and resilient, and so beautiful I could cry, and I want to spend my life with you. If that's not some serious gay love, I don't know what the fuck you expect from a guy, Spencer! Now, did I leave my shirt in the living room, or is it in here, ‘cause I don't remember!" Morgan finished off his rant, breathing hard in his frustration.

"Bullshit! You're Derek Morgan! I've seen you go after women before, and you're not subtle. If you wanted me that badly, you wouldn't have waited and analysed the signals, you'd have tackled me to the bed like I was an unsub and made me forget my own name, and you'd have done it before now! No one tells you what to do, Morgan, especially not me. And your shirt is right behind you."

"You... Reid, you may be a genius, but you can be such a moron! I was trying to be respectful, and all this time you were waiting for me to just jump you? I've never done that before, I thought I could hurt you! Well, fuck it." Morgan stomped around the bed, grabbed his love's head, and kissed him hard. He shoved his pants and boxers down his legs and stepped out of them, climbing back into the bed on top of Reid, and kissed him again. "You want me to take what I want, I will. And you'll help me, since you think you know everything."

"Mmph, Morgan!" Reid protested as he was shoved onto his back. "Are we even done yelling at each other yet?"

"I am. You can keep going ... I'll pretend I'm paying attention," Derek offered, mouthing his way down the younger man's throat.

Reid tilted his head to the side obligingly, hands stroking up Derek's bare back. "But you're the one who's angry ... Derek," he hissed, as the man in question bit him none-too-gently, then soothed it with his tongue.

"Can't remember why," the older man murmured, tracing Reid's collarbone with his tongue.

"Because I didn't trust the strength of your sexual feelings, and ..." Derek slid his hand into Reid's underwear. "Oh ... oh. This is not the time for talking." Spencer arched up into the touch eagerly.

A chuckle. "You can talk all you want, but it better be good stuff."

The genius shifted away briefly so he could shimmy out of his last remaining garment, then pulled Morgan into a hot kiss, dragging the larger man on top of him once more. "God, I love feeling you over me," he confessed, but briefly. Now that the tension had drained from between them, he couldn't get enough, he had to keep kissing Derek, keep touching him. He felt naked in an entirely new way, and grateful. He was loved by a man who would not give up and would not be denied. Spencer thought that was well worth rewarding.

"I like being on you. You can't run off," Derek mumbled back, breaking the kiss to suck at his lover's earlobe.

Spencer gasped, his hand groping down to Morgan's firm ass, pressing their bodies closer so their hard cocks touched. "I had to let you catch me. Now you've earned it," he grinned.

"Earned what?"

"All the amazing things I'm going to show you. Get the lube, second drawer."

Derek looked down at him with wide dark eyes. "Baby boy," he breathed, stealing a rough kiss. "About damn time," he grumbled good-naturedly as he fumbled in the nightstand.

Spencer's soft hands stroked over his lover's back as he talked him through it, guided Morgan's fingers inside him to hit the sweet spot, showed him how to stretch and pleasure him at once. He smiled widely at the look of concentration on Derek's face, the deep furrow between his eyebrows that meant he was paying sincere attention. He imagined the wrinkles that would form there in another decade, pictured a version of Morgan with grey in his beard, suited and in charge. Would they be together then?

"I'm ready, Morgan, you can stop," Reid breathed, pushing the dark-skinned man back so he could take his erection in hand and roll on a condom. Morgan's cock was harder and darker than he'd ever seen it. "God. Every inch of you is gorgeous," Spencer murmured, leaning up to kiss his mouth, to pull and nudge the hard body above him into position.

"You're sure you're ready, babe?"

"Ready. Waiting. Impatient," Reid urged, and Morgan slid into him. That first thrust was tentative, but the second was hungry. Spencer wrapped his legs around his lover's waist and met each stroke eagerly, listening raptly to the babbling endearments that escaped Derek's lips. How he was beautiful, so tight and sweet; how Derek wanted to learn everything that pleased him, had never felt so good; that he was loved and had been loved from a distance for too long. And when Morgan came first, his face pressed into the crook of Spencer's neck, it didn't even occur to him that he himself was still hard. He just held on, being slightly crushed, glowing from all the sappy assurances of a love he couldn't help but believe in now.

Derek rallied quickly, pulling out with a kiss and quickly ditching the condom, moving down the bed to nuzzle Reid's hipbone.

"Oh, Derek, you don't ..."

 "Oh no. You love me, kid, and you are going to let me please you. I don't wanna hear you argue, got it?" Morgan ordered gruffly.

"Got it," the genius grinned, then moaned as a hot mouth engulfed him. It was awkward but fantastic. He held Morgan's head and groaned instructions as much as he could, but it didn't take long before Spencer's orgasm got too close and coherent thought went out the window. It didn't need to be expert to turn him on incredibly, because it was Derek, and every detail, from the muffled bass of his voice to the relaxed line of his muscular shoulders, made Spencer burn.

"Derek, God, man, I love you, I really do. I want to let you love me back now, okay? My learning curve is really steep, so you know I'll figure out how to handle a relationship. I don't want to let this go, not when we have a chance to be honestly happy here. Morgan, mmm, please I'm going to ..."

Morgan sputtered awkwardly when his mouth filled with Reid's release, but the genius was too spent to laugh at him properly. Spencer pulled his lover down over him again, kissing the corner of Morgan's lips where a stray drop lingered behind.

"Pretty boy," Derek smiled. "Let me lie beside you, or I'm gonna crush you."

A grin. "I like it when you crush me."

"Yeah, well, I don't want the papers to be writing, "One of Quantico's Finest Smothered by Sleeping Boyfriend ... Death Ruled Accidental" in a couple days, so let me up."

Spencer laughed infectiously, and Derek had no choice but to join him.

And they went to bed laughing almost every night afterward.

~~

End.

***