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Title: Choices To Be Made
Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Prompt: #1, Choice
Author's Note: Sequel to "Flames To Ashes."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***He had to make some choices, and he had to make them soon.
Will sighed softly, running a hand through his dark curls and looking up at the ceiling. How long had he been lying here on the couch in his living room, contemplating his life?
Longer than he should have been, he told himself ruefully. He was caught up in a situation that he hadn't anticipated, one that made him nervous and apprehensive.
When he had been so bold with Hannibal, he hadn't realized just what he was getting into. He should have held his own desires back, should have thought things through before putting himself out there so wantonly. Now, he wasn't sure if he'd done the right thing.
Had he been too bold? Had he made Hannibal somehow think that he was a possession, to be owned, to be taken whenever Hannibal had the wish to do so?
That was how the other man seemed to be acting, even though they hadn't been physically intimate again in the three days that had passed since the first time.
But now, it felt as though their entire relationship had changed.
Well, it had, hadn't it? Will asked himself, annoyed by the path his thoughts were taking. He was being foolish. Of course everything had changed between them.
They were lovers now. They'd been intimate; they'd crossed a line, and they couldn't go back. There was no way that either of them could pretend their intimacy hadn't happened.
Will didn't want to do that. He wanted to explore this new path that they had taken, to find out just how far they could take things between them. But at the same time, he felt that he had to be wary of Hannibal; somehow, it felt as though he had revealed too much, left himself too open and vulnerable.
Was he actually afraid of Hannibal? No, it wasn't that, he decided. It wasn't so much fear as apprehension. After all, he'd never been involved in this way before.
And Hannibal wasn't exactly going to be an easy person to be involved with. He could already tell that. The other man was demanding, meticulous. Being his lover would be a .... well, a test.
He could have certain expectations to live up to, and Will wondered if he could do that.
He didn't doubt that Hannibal would have high expectations of him, and he wasn't sure that he was ready to rise to that challenge yet. He was still trying to wrap his head around all that had taken place.
Yes, he had initiated their involvement, but he was already wondering if he'd done the right thing. He didn't want to pull back, not yet, but he couldn't help wondering if he would feel like doing so in the future, if he'd managed to bite off far more than he'd ever be able to chew.
Was he up to Hannibal's exacting demands? Could he live up to what his lover would want of him? Did he even want to try, or could he simply walk away now?
Will sighed, knowing that he was being ridiculous. Of course he couldn't walk away. Even if some things about Hannibal frightened him, he was fascinated by his lover.
And he was the one who had started this -- if he walked away now, it would point to some deficiency in himself, and he would always be ashamed that he hadn't had the courage to stay and see this through. He wasn't going to let some unnamed, vague fear frighten away from what he wanted.
Yes, he wanted this. He'd wanted Hannibal since they had first met, and now that he finally had what he wanted, he'd be a fool to give it up so quickly.
His fears were explainable. He should have expected to have them.
Of course there were some things about this that scared him. That was to be expected. He'd never been involved in any relationship like this before, never given his body to anyone.
Even though he had been the one to make the first move, he couldn't expect himself to be so bold all the time. It simply wasn't in his nature. It amazed him that he'd done so this time.
He had to decide whether or not to continue that boldness. Could he make himself keep moving forward, despite the apprehension he felt? Will frowned, wondering why he felt that hesitation. There was really no reason for it, was there? It was probably just his ingrained fears holding him back.
But something told him that it was more than that. He could still remember that look in Hannibal's eyes after they had made love for the first time, the look that had chilled him to the bone.
Hannibal had looked at him as though he was a victim. As though he had suddenly turned into prey, the mouse to Hannibal's cat, to be captured under a commanding paw.
That look had been the most terrifying sight Will had ever seen.
It had shocked him to his soul to see that look on his lover's face, and he didn't want to see it again. Maybe that was what caused his hesitancy, made him hold back.
He couldn't keep doing that, Will told himself with a sigh. It was time for him to start making some choices, and the main one was whether or not to take the next step in this relationship.
After this first monumental choice, others would come along. He knew that. And those other choices might get more and more difficult to make if he decided to stay with what he and Hannibal might be building. But for the moment, Will knew that he had no choice but to move forward.
He had already taken the first step, and now that he'd done it, he thought that the next steps should be easier. But that didn't seem to be the case. The choices only seemed to get harder.
That initial choice to sleep with Hannibal had been easy. He'd wanted that for so long that it had almost felt natural. But the next choices wouldn't be nearly so easy.
Still, he had to make them. He couldn't just turn and run away.
If he did, then he would look in the mirror every day and despise what he saw. He wouldn't be able to look at himself; he'd be too ashamed of being a coward.
No, he couldn't turn back. He had to keep moving forward, no matter how much he might be frightened by that look he had seen on Hannibal's face.
Maybe he'd imagined it. Maybe he was just letting his own fears run away with him, fears that had come to the surface so quickly because of the myriad of emotions and new physical sensations he'd felt after his first time making love. Maybe he was just being silly, and there was nothing to worry about.
But Will couldn't shake the niggling sensation of fear that lurked in the back of his mind, a fear that he was positive would only grow with time. It simply refused to go away.
He'd already made his choice, he told himself firmly. He had made his bed, and now he was going to lie in it. This was a done deal, and it was already far too late for him to turn back the clock.
His choice had been made, and he would stick with it until the bitter end.
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