Title: Confession Time
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: 5, sound_of_drums
Prompt: 25, Confessions
Warning: on-going story
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Michael Cutter, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Brendan paced around the control room of the Tardis, his hands clasped behind his back and a frown on his face. He'd been arguing with himself for what seemed like an eternity, waiting for the Doctor to come into the room.

The Time Lord had gone to take a shower, and Brendan had opted not to join him this time. They both needed to have their private time now and then, he felt, and he wanted an opportunity to be alone so he could think about what he needed to tell his lover.

This had been the most incredible adventure of his life, being with the Doctor. And it was far from over, he reminded himself, annoyed that his mind seemed to be heading in the direction of thinking that it would all end soon.

The Doctor had assured him that he had a place here on the ship for as long as he wanted to be here; Brendan had no reason not to believe those words.

And he didn't want to leave. Not only because of how fascinating it was to be able to see new worlds, but because he was in love with the Doctor. This man meant more to him than anyone ever had, and in a way that he hadn't expected.

Oh, he'd told people before that he loved them. He'd used people to get what he wanted. He didn't deny that -- though he hadn't freely given that information to the man he was with now. Not yet. He was too afraid of what the Doctor would think.

He didn't think he could bear to see the Time Lord back away from him, to see that shutter of disdain fall over the face of the man he loved. He couldn't deal with being pushed away, not when he was really in love for the first time in his life.

Anything he'd felt for other people paled in comparison to his feelings for the Doctor. None of that had really been love. It had only been .... infatuation.

All the things he'd done in his past were over and done. Yes, he'd been a bit obsessive at times -- he had definitely been in danger of becoming that way with his last girlfriend, so it was probably a good thing that she'd dumped him when she had.

Besides, if she hadn't, then he wouldn't have been out on the street that day he'd met the Doctor -- and this wondrous love wouldn't have come into his life. He'd still be on Earth, thinking that he was happy with his life when he really wasn't.

Truth be told, he'd been miserable even when he'd fooled himself into thinking that he had everything he wanted and was content. He'd never known what it was to have someone take hold of his heart, to be completely committed to another person.

He'd always done things for himself. He'd always put his own needs and desires above anyone else's. And now .... now, he wasn't doing that any more.

The Doctor was his first priority in every way now. He wanted to make the other man happy, to be what the Doctor needed. And most surprising of all, he wanted to be a better person, to make himself worthy of the Doctor's love.

Yet there was a part of him that held back, a side of himself that he didn't want the Doctor to see or even to know about. He was ashamed of some of the things he'd done in his past, and he wanted to bury those things, hide them away and pretend they'd never existed.

But he couldn't. They would always be there, hovering at the back of his mind, until he made a clean breast of it and told the Time Lord everything about himself. He'd never been able to be completely at ease until he did that.

Doing that was so hard. He lived in terror of confessing himself, and having the Doctor back away from him.

He couldn't lose the Doctor. Of all the people he'd ever cared for in his life, the Time Lord meant the most to him. He'd changed; he wasn't the same man who'd come away from Earth with the Doctor only thinking about himself and what he wanted.

The Doctor was responsible for that change. He'd taken a man whose vision was turned inwards and made him turn that sight out onto the world -- and onto the person he loved. He'd changed Brendan in so many ways -- and all for the better.

Telling the Doctor how much he'd changed would involve also telling his lover what he'd been before -- and that was something he hadn't been able to bring himself to do. And because of that, he could feel a wall slowly being built up between them.

He knew that the Doctor felt it too; how could he not? He knew that the Time Lord was hurt by that distance, that he didn't understand why it was there.

How was he going to explain to the Doctor what kind of a person he'd been? And if he did, would the Time Lord be able to accept that he'd changed, that he'd become a different person thanks to being here with him and having a new lease on life?

More importantly -- would the Doctor believe in the strength of Brendan's love for him? That would be the hardest thing to make him understand. People didn't change because of love -- at least, not in Brendan's experience.

He wouldn't have believed that himself, if someone had come to him and declared that their feelings for him had changed them, made them a better person. If he couldn't believe that of anyone, why should he expect the Doctor to have that belief?

Brendan sighed, leaning against the console of the Tardis, gripping it so hard that his fingers whitened. He had to hope that the Doctor would believe him.

The Doctor wasn't like anyone else he'd ever met. He had such a belief in the innate goodness of the world, especially humans. If anyone would believe that he'd changed, that he wanted to be a better man, it would be the Time Lord.

All he could do was confess what he'd been, let it all spill out, and lay that confession at the Doctor's feet. He would just have to trust in the strength of the Time Lord's feelings for him, and hope that they could overcome what th other man would hear.

Sighing, he straightened up, resuming his pacing around the control room. When the Doctor was finally here, he'd have to sit the other man down and talk to him -- and hope that he'd be able to find the right words for what he needed to say.

He intended to tell the Doctor everything about himself. It was time to be completely honest, to hold nothing back, to let his lover know the worst of him as well as the best.

It was the only way to know that this relationship would last, the only way for him to be sure that the Doctor would be able to accept him just as he was. And if the other man couldn't do that .... well, then it was his own fault.

This was the first time he'd ever felt real regrets over his past. A rueful smile crossed his features at the thought; he'd changed more than he'd ever thought he could. The man he'd been before wouldn't have given anything he'd done a second thought.

But he was different now. He had the love of a good man, a man he didn't want to lose, a man he loved fiercely and wanted to spend his life with. He'd never believed that he could have that kind of happiness, and now that he did, he wanted to protect it.

Brendan sighed, turning towards the corridor that he knew the Doctor would use to come into the control room and fixing his eyes there. It was confession time, and he wasn't going to back down -- no matter how hard it might be to let the truth come out.

***

Next story in series - Let Me In.