Title: Secret Separation
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: John Smith/Arthur Eddington
Fandom: Doctor Who/Einstein and Eddington
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2
Prompt: 56, Rooftop
Note: Continuation of More Than Love.
Author's Note: This fic doesn't feature the Tenth Doctor, but technically, since he is John Smith, it does fit the challenge claim. Slight spoilers for Einstein and Eddington.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own John Smith or Sir Arthur Eddington. Please do not sue.

***

John looked around him, feeling a bit strange to be where he was. The rooftop wouldn't have been his first idea of a place for he and Arthur to meet in secret, but he had to admit that it had its advantages. They had a vantage point -- and because they were keeping well back from the edge of the flat roof, no one could see them.

He sighed, sitting up and resting his arms on his crossed legs. He hated having to meet Arthur in secret like this, but he did understand that it was the only way. If only society would be more understanding about their feelings .... but thinking like that was useless.

Society would never understand them -- or accept them. They were lucky to have people like Arthur's sister Winnie, who only wanted her brother to be happy -- but the rest of the world would always be lined up against them, with disapproving frowns and shocked faces.

It wasn't fair, he thought to himself, running a hand through his hair. Why should he and Arthur be denied the right to love each other openly and freely, simply because they were both men? He would never believe that what he felt for his lover was wrong, despite what society might insist.

He wanted to be able to go away somewhere with Arthur, somewhere not so constrained by the image of what was "proper." But where? John didn't know of any place like that, any place where they would be accepted. No, they would always have to pretend to be "just good friends," hide what they really felt for each other, skulk around and never be able to proclaim their emotions.

Of course, there were men who lived their lives openly and defied convention. But given Arthur's standing in the academic world -- and the fact that he was a teacher entrusted with the care and education of young boys -- the two of them would never be able to do that.

If only .... He sighed again, closing his eyes. what would it be like to live in a world where they could be open with their feelings? They would never know. They would just have to take what they could get, and be grateful that they'd found each other at all.

Really, as long as they had each other, they'd be all right, John told himself firmly. What did it matter that they couldn't be open about their emotions? They didn't need to flout what they were to each other. It was enough that the feelings were there in their own hearts.

Where was Arthur, anyway? He looked around again, a slight frown on his features. The other young man had shown John the steps leading up to the attic, and from there to the roof, the day before -- he'd said that this had often been his favorite place to come when he was a child, to spend time alone when he needed to think.

And he'd shared his secret place, a place that no one else had ever known about, not even his sister. John smiled softly, conjuring Arthur's face to mind. That soft skin, those incredible dark eyes, the way his lips curved when he smiled .....

Every time he brought that face to mind, he was reminded with a pang that he would have to leave soon, journey back to London and spend time away from Arthur. It was going to be the hardest parting he'd ever had to go through -- though he really couldn't remember any others.

John frowned, his mind lingering on that thought. It was strange that he couldn't remember ever having to leave anyone before, because he was sure that he had done that at some point. His family, when he'd gone off to school -- friends when he'd graduated and gone off to start his career. He was bound to have left some people behind.

But he couldn't for the life of him remember a single one of them. No faces came to mind, no memories. Only a blank canvas where he was sure his memories should be. He could remember names, places -- but no pictures, no clear memories that he could point to and say with surety that this was a person from his past.

They had to be there. He couldn't have lived his life with no one around him. There was obviously a family in his past -- he knew their names, didn't he? It was natural for time to obscure memories, make them dim and misty as they faded into the past.

Well, it didn't matter, not really. He didn't have to look back at the past -- he had the future ahead of him. It might not be easy for he and Arthur to make a life together, but they would find a way. His lover had promised him that, and he had faith in Arthur.

He heard the door leading from the attic steps creak open, and he half-turned, still in his sitting position, to smile over at Arthur and hold out his hand as the other man emerged onto the roof. Arthur closed the door behind him, making his way across the small space that separated the two of them to sit down beside John.

"I wondered if I'd find you here already," he said softly, slipping an arm around John's slender waist and pulling the young teacher close against him. "I was hoping you'd be here -- I've been longing for some time with you all day, away from everyone's prying eyes."

"I've been counting the minutes until I knew you'd be free of your obligations so we could be together," John murmured, resting his head against Arthur's shoulder. "I don't think I've ever watched clocks before as closely as I have since the day we met."

"Neither have I," Arthur said, raising a hand to cup John's cheek. John raised his face and closed his eyes; a moment later, Arthur's mouth was on his, those arms wrapping around his waist to draw him even closer. He lost himself in the intensity of Arthur's touch, Arthur's kiss; he never wanted this to end, never wanted to be out of this embrace.

But it had to end, sooner or later, that nagging voice in the back of his mind reminded him. He coudln't stay here forever; in fact, he only had a few more days left before he would have to go back to London -- and leave Arthur behind.

Arthur drew away slightly, a frown between his brows, as though he could sense the uneasiness John felt. "What is it love?" he questioned gently, reaching up to brush a few strands of tawny hair from John's face. "You're terribly quiet -- as though something's bothering you."

John nodded reluctantly, wishing that he didn't have to tell Arthur the cause of his unrest. After all, there was nothing that they could do about their imminent separation. It was just something that they would have to deal with as best they could, and wait until they could have the opportuning to see each other again -- lonely as that time without each other might be.

"I don't want to go back to London," he whispered, feeling the tears rise up behind his eyes, the thickness in his throat that almost kept him from getting the words out. "I don't want to be alone. I don't want to spend any time without you, Arthur. I can't."

"John .... if there was any way that I could come with you, or keep you here, then you know I would," Arthur told him, cupping John's face in his hands and gazing into the young man's eyes. "I don't want you to leave, either. But we knew that we'd have to part, at least for a while."

"It isn't fair!" John burst out, knowing that he sounded like a petulant child but not caring. "Other people can be with the ones they love -- everyone isn't against them being together. It shouldn't be that way for us, just because of some stupid societal conventions."

"No, it isn't," Arthur agreed, his own voice choked and hesitant. "John .... I'd give anything to be able to throw everything to the wind, to take you away somewhere and damn the rest of my life to hell. But I can't do that -- and neither can you. We both have responsibilities, obligations. If we're lucky, then we'll find a way to have those -- and have each other, as well."

"There has to be a way," John choked out, turning his face away from Arthur. He didn't want his lover to see him cry -- Arthur wouldn't want him if he was always so emotional, always giving in to his feelings about things that coudln't be changed. He needed to be strong -- but it was so damned hard when he felt that everything that meant the most to him was being ripped away.

"Shhh, love, don't cry," Arthur soothed him, pulling John into his arms. "We'll find a way, I promise. We may have to be away from each other for a short time -- but I'll make some excuse to come up to London and spend time there. I'll be with you sooner than you think."

John wrapped his arms around Arthur, finally letting himself give way to the tears that he couldn't keep back any longer. He dreaded their parting; if it hurt this much now, when he still had a little time with his love, how would it feel when he had to put so much physical distance between the two of them? It would be unbearable.

"I love you," John sobbed, wishing that he could stop these tears and present a strong front to the man he loved, but knowing that he couldn't. He didn't have that kind of strength. "I don't want to leave you. I have this horrible feeling that something will happen, and I'll never see you again."

"That's nonsense," Arthur admonished him, reaching into his pocket for a handkerchief and using it to dry John's tears. "Of course you'll see me again, love. Cambridge isn't that far away. We can write -- it isn't the same as being together, but we won't be parted forever, you know."

"I know," John gulped, raising a hand to his face to wipe at his tears. "I just .... I can't help feeling that there will be a wall between us once we're not in each other's company on a constant basis any more. That something will happen to turn you away from me."

Arthur shook his head, taking John's face between his hands again and making the other young man look into his eyes. "No, John, that isn't going to happen. Nothing will ever make me stop loving you. I've given you my heart and soul, John Smith -- and I charge you with keeping it safe. Just as I'll keep your heart safe with me. Always."

"I'll never change, either," John whispered, trying to keep his voice steady. "I've belonged to you ever since the moment we met, Arthur. There could never be anyone else in my life -- it's only ever been you. There is no one else for me."

"Nor me." Arthur's voice was soft, but his tone was firm and strong. "You are my life, John. I'll move heaven and earth to be with you again -- no matter what I have to do. We won't always have to make do with time stolen here and there -- I'll make sure of that. One day, soon, we're going to be together and no one will part us again, for any reason."

John nodded, wanting with all his heart to believe those words. If Arthur said that he'd find a way -- then he would. He had to put his faith and his trust in the man he loved -- if he couldn't give Arthur that faith, then he didn't deserve to love this man, or be loved so fiercely in return.

Arthur leaned back a bit, still clasping John in his arms, letting the other man rest against his chest. "Never fear, love. We may have a long road ahead of us, but we'll be all right in the end. I'll make sure of that, John, no matter what I have to do."

"I shouldn't be so afraid of being alone for a while," John murmured, sniffling a little but resolving not to cry again. "I know that you'll be able to come to me -- or maybe I'll be able to come to you. No two people who want to be together as much as we do can be forced apart for long. Not when we found each other the way we did. We're fated to be with each other, Arthur. I'm sure of it."

"So am I, my love," Arthur murmured, brushing his soft lips across John's forehead. "Now, let's not talk of being apart when we still have time together, hmmm? We still have a few days -- and I intend to make the most of that time and live it to the fullest."

John sighed as he relaxed back into Arthur's arms, leaning against that strong, lean body. He was still uneasy about their future -- but he was also reassured that they did have a future. He and Arthur would find a way to be together. It didn't matter that all of polite society would be against them. He didn't care about society. Damn them all.

As long as he had Arthur's love, that was all that he needed, all that he wanted. He didn't need acceptance, not from anyone. What did they know? If they couldn't accept love, then they'd never been in love themselves, and he pitied them all for that.

He pushed that little frisson of fear into the back of his mind, relegating it to a dark place in the shadows and hoping that it wouldn't come out again. He didn't need to listen to that ominous warning. He wouldn't. After all, it couldn't possibly apply to them.

He and Arthur were going to find a way to be together, to be happy and to spend their lives with each other. They would go away, settle down, live their lives out in peace and harmony. Nothing was going to separate them for long.

John couldn't keep back the icy-cold sliver of apprehension that trickled through him.

***

Next story in series - Lovers in A Dangerous Time.