Title: I Walk Alone
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: Cadenza challenge, 5_prompts
Prompt: First verse -- I walk alone
Author's Note: Continuation of I'll Set You Free.
Warning: previous non-con
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor trudged through the snow around him, hands buried in the pockets of his coat. He wasn't one to usually feel the cold; his low body temperature made him impervious to the worst of it, but his hands were already starting to feel a bit numb.

Why was he torturing himself like this? There was really no reason to be here, on a planet that had very little life. There was no one for him to talk to; only a feeling of being completely isolated and alone in the frozen tundra, a wasteland that stretched for miles all around him.

This was a place he always came when he wanted to think, a place where he knew that he wouldn't be disturbed by anything that could take his mind away from what he was trying to concentrate on. But this time, the strategy of isolation wasn't working.

He'd been trying to talk himself into feeling that his isolation, his loneliness, was right for him at the point in his life. That was a hard pill to swallow at any time, but given that he was beginning to feel that he'd always been alone, it was even tougher to do so now.

Even when he was a child on Gallifrey, he'd been alone. It wasn't until he'd bonded with the Tardis that he'd felt he had one entity in his life that wouldn't leave him, that would always be there for him whenever he was in need.

Unfortunately, even though he shared a special bond with the Tardis and she was a sentient creature in many ways, she didn't fill his need for companionship. And she could never fill that empty space within him that craved having someone to love.

He'd tried to fill that void with people on Gallifrey, but no one had ever felt right. There had been people he'd cared for, but no one had ever touched that inner place within his hearts that he'd always hoped someone would come along to take their place in.

The only person who had ever managed to touch that deep, secretive part of him was Jack -- and that hadn't ended well at all. Now, Jack was back on Earth, leading Torchwood, supposedly happy with the life he was leading and the choice that he'd made.

And here he was, wandering around on a deserted planet and freezing his arse off, the Doctor thought, a wry smile crossing his features. Who would have thought that he would end up here, feeling sorry for himself in a way that he rarely did?

He wasn't going to let himself wallow in self-pity for very long, he told himself firmly. But every once in a while, he needed to come to a place like this, to be completely alone and to clear his mind, to put his priorities in order.

How long had he felt as though he was alone? Since childhood, really. There had been friends along the way, of course, but they had never filled that void inside him. He'd always craved more than that -- and once, he'd made the mistake of thinking that he'd found it.

The Doctor's mind winced away from recalling the time when he and the Master had been friends --- well, maybe the Master had considered them to be more than that, but they'd been uneasy allies, at best, even though the Doctor had trusted him at the time.

It hadn't taken him long to discover what a mistake that was. Involuntarily, the Doctor's hand went to his face, as though he was trying to wipe away the vision of what the Master had done to him on that fateful day that he'd been stupid enough to push his caution aside.

He'd not only lost his innocence that day, but he'd lost his trust in others. Ever since then, he'd been overly cautious about giving himself to anyone -- not only in the physical sense, but in the emotional, as well. Before that, he might have been prepared to do so.

He had actually begun to let himself develop feelings for the Master at that point, before he'd really known what those feelings meant. He had only known that they were new and exciting, and he'd cautiously begun to put a word to them, even though he hadn't been sure if it fit.

That day in the Master's bedroom, when he'd been taken against his will without really understanding what was happening or why, had made him feel that loving anyone was wrong. Not only wrong, but that it would only bring him fear and pain in the end

With one brutal act, the Master had destroyed his trust in mankind. Jack had been the first person who had been able to coax his hearts out of the protective shell he'd built around them -- and he didn't need to remind himself of how that relationship had turned out.

Ever since he'd stumbled out of the Master's room that day, with the echo of the other boy's laughter loud in his ears, he'd walked alone. He hadn't let anyone get close to him until centuries later, when Jack had finally broken through that wall of reserve.

Oh yes, he'd had lovers over the years. He'd even been a husband, and a father, in one of his incarnations. But he had never let anyone touch the kernel of his hearts, the emotions that he had sworn would always be his and his alone, kept hidden from the rest of the world.

He knew what it was like to be alone, better than most people could possibly realize. He had never really opened up to anyone and told them of the pain of his loneliness, the exile and isolation that he'd always felt. Not even Jack knew of those emotions.

Even when he was a small child, he'd felt alone - especially after the death of his mother. No one else had ever understood him; no Gallifreyan had been able to understand what the human side of him felt, and no other humans had been around to talk to about it.

He'd always been an outcast, ever since that day when his father had told him quietly that his mother was dead. He'd walked alone from then on, feeling as though there was an invisible pane of glass that would always separate him from the rest of the world.

It didn't always have to be like this, did it? He'd found love once -- even though he'd lost it through no fault of his own. If there had been one person who'd wanted to be with him and been sincere about it, then there would be someone else, at some point in his life.

Would there be? The Doctor shoved his hands into his pockets again, looking out over the frozen tundra of a forgotten planet. Maybe there was someone else out there who could mean as much to him as Jack had. After all, it was a huge galaxy.

But something told him that wasn't possible, that he would always walk alone in the long run. Even if Jack had still been beside him, there would more than likely always be a part of himself that he never revealed, that was kept hidden in the darkest part of his soul.

Turning away from the bleak vista that presented itself to him, he began the long walk back to the Tardis, his head down, not looking around him. He was walking alone, as usual, his life stretching before him, as empty as the wasteland he was making his way through. And he saw no end in sight.

***

Next story in series - As True As This.