Title: The First Cut is the Deepest
Author: Outside Edge
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters merely borrow them from time to time.
Summary: Jack thinks it's just a stomach ache, but it's a lot worse.

***

It started with a dull ache...

Jack paused as he ran up the steps to his office. Ianto, who was following, almost ran into him.

"You all right Sir?" he asked.

Jack turned and flashed him a grin.

"Must have pulled a muscle, nothing to worry about," he assured him, "Chinese tonight I think."

"As you wish Sir."

The ache got worse...

Jack sat at his desk and rubbed his side. The dull ache had gradually got worse over the past few hours. Once the team had all gone home perhaps he'd have a nice long hot shower, that would do the trick and by tomorrow morning it'll all be okay.

Ianto looked through the door to Jack's office on his way past. He noted his boss absentmindedly rubbing his side and filed the information for later use.

Jack looked up from the report he was reading as Ianto placed a tray on his desk.

"Coffee, carrot cake and painkillers Sir," Ianto said, "will there be anything else?"

"No. Thanks Ianto," Jack replied.

"Nasty things, muscle strains," Ianto commented as he headed for the door.

When an ache turns into a pain...

"Jeez!" Jack gasped as a searing pain cut through his abdomen.

"Jack what's wrong?" Gwen cried, rushing to his side.

"Nothing," Jack replied through clenched teeth, doubling over and gripping the edge of the table. A few minutes later the pain had subsided and he was able to straighten up.

"Must have been something I ate," he said.

"But we all have the same," Gwen said, a puzzled look on her face.

"Then you'd better hope no one else has got this," Jack said. He groaned, "it was probably the prawns."

"That's okay then," Gwen said.

Jack looked at her quizzically.

"No one else got a whiff of them, you pigged the lot."

"Bosses prerogative," Jack said, breathing deeply. The pain had gone, replaced by the dull ache again.

"Would you like me to get you some antacid?" Ianto asked. "The local chemist will be shut, but I could go to one in Penarth."

Jack shook his head.

"No thanks, look why don't you all go home I'll be fine."

And a pain just gets worse...

"God you look like shit," Owen commented when he saw Jack the next morning.

"Why thank you. It's a new look I'm trying out," Jack replied, sarcastically.

"No I mean it. Must have been one hell of a party. I gotta hand it to you Jack when you get rat arsed you go all the way."

"Haven't you got a dead body to cut up or something?" Jack enquired.

"Come to think of it, so I have," Owen said brightly and headed for autopsy.

Wearily Jack climbed the stairs to his office. Owen was right he did feel like shit. He sat down at his desk and put his head in his hands and closed his eyes.

He started when a cup was placed on the desk.

"Ianto you're a star," he said. "remind me to kiss you sometime."

There was no answer.

Jack looked up to see an embarrassed Toshiko standing timidly in front of his desk. Jack always thought she reminded him of a deer, startled but graceful.

"I, I've brought you some tea," she stammered.

"Gee that's great Toshiko," Jack replied, grinning widely to try and cover his and Tosh's embarassment.

"It's herbal, it might help with you know — your stomach," Tosh continued.

"I sure hope so, I've spent half the night throwing up," Jack said, putting a protective hand on his stomach.

"Food poisoning then," Tosh said.

"I sure hope so. Remind me to tell Ianto to change Chinese takeaway," Jack said. He picked up the cup and eyed its contents suspiciously.

"Any chance of some milk?" he enquired.

Tosh shook her head, "Best without."

Jack sniffed the liquid and pulled his head back in alarm.

"Jeez what is this stuff!" he exclaimed. "No offence Tosh, but it smells awful!"

"Ginseng, ginger and a few other ingredients," Tosh said "Try it, it won't poison you — honest."

Jack regarded her over the edge of the cup with narrowed eyes and took a gulp.

"Argghhh!" he spluttered, spraying tea over his desk.

Tosh grabbed a tissue in alarm and started dabbing at the mess.

"I suppose it is an acquired taste," she acquiesced.

"You're telling me," Jack said, "Ianto!" he shouted.

"Sir?" Ianto's head appeared around the doorpost.

"Clear this mess up please," Jack said motioning to the desktop.

"Chinese herbal medicine not to your liking then Sir?" Ianto asked, "a pity, it's worked wonders with Gwen's PMS."

Jack got up to allow Ianto to clear the desk and then gasped in pain.

"Sir?" Ianto asked concerned.

"Oh God, pass me the bin," Jack groaned.

As Ianto handed the wastepaper bin over, Jack vomited into it.

"Thank you Sir," Ianto said politely, handing him a tissue.

Jack grabbed the table edge as a wave of pain hit him.

"Owen!" Tosh shouted. "Jack needs you!"

"What is it?" Owen demanded, from the autopsy doorway. "I was just up to my elbows in alien gut. I do not have the time to nanny someone's self inflicted hangover."

"Jack's ill," Tosh said.

"Look sweetheart, that one doesn't work for me, so it sure ain't gonna work for him. Tell him to take two aspirin and get on with it, that's what he always tells me."

Behind her Tosh could hear the sound of Jack retching again.

"Owen, this is serious."

"Look guys, I appreciate the concern, but it's just food poisoning," Jack said, "now please just leave me alone to die in peace."

"Not before I check you out," Owen said.

"No way, not after you've been poking about in our alien friend down there."

"I have washed, changed and disinfected," Owen replied in a hurt tone.

"Jack, you need to see a Doctor," Tosh persisted.

"And Owen's the best you can do?" Jack retorted and then doubled over in agony.

"That does it," Owen said, "stay still."

"Don't you dare touch me Owen Harper," Jack said, angrily.

Owen sighed and pulled the Bakorean scanning device from his pocket.

"Who do you think are?" he sneered, "a date?"

***

The screen in the conference room showed the results of Jack's scan in multicolour.

"I wish I'd brought popcorn," Gwen said, settling into her chair.

"Owen since when has my medical exam become public property?" Jack demanded as he strode into the room.

"Since you decided to act like a 2 year old," Owen retorted.

Jack sank into his chair.

"Okay then, what have you got?"

"Well actually it's more a case of what you shouldn't have," Owen strode over to the display and pointed,"this my friends is a scan of Jacks gut."

"Oooow," Gwen grimaced, wrinkling her nose.

"This area here is the small intestine, here is the cecum, that's the posh name for the large intestine and this here" Owen pointed "Is the vermiform appendix commonly called just the appendix. Not that I'm saying you're common Jack, just your appendix is."

"Get on with it," Jack growled. Even with the strong painkillers Owen had prescribed and the anti-nausea drugs, he was starting to feel ill again.

"Your normal appendix is about the size and shape of an earthworm."

Tosh delicately put down the biscuit she was eating.

"Here's one I made earlier," Owen said, changing the display "Well actually it's not mine, that was removed when I was twelve, this one's Gwen's."

"Owen!" Gwen shrieked, "When did you do that!"

Owen waved the Bakorean scanner.

"Technology is a wonderful thing," he grinned, "anyway, observe the size of a normal appendix as compared to Jacks. Any thoughts?"

"Jack's is bigger," Ianto commented.

"Yeah, well you'd know that wouldn't you?" Owen sneered.

"Captain John didn't think so," Tosh mused.

"Guys!" Jack exclaimed, "Can we stay focused here?"

"Yes, as our colleague pointed out the one on the right is considerably enlarged and inflamed," Owen continued.

"And the point of this is?" Jack asked.

"You're off to hospital, I prescribe an appendicectomy," Owen said.

"Oh no, no way. You're not getting me into hospital. I've seen what your NHS is like and you're not getting me in there." Jack said.

"Nosocomephobia, Fear of hospitals." Ianto said.

"I don't need to see a doctor"

"Latrophobia" Ianto commented "Fear of doctors."

"And they're certainly not operating on me. My appendix is fine where it is."

"Tomophobia, fear of surgery." Ianto supplied.

"What is it with you today, a walking phobic dictionary?" Jack demanded.

Ianto shrugged with an impassive look. "Phobophobic."

"Jack, if you don't have this removed it could burst and cause peritonitis."

"Jack you could die." Tosh warned.

"I'll take my chances" Jack replied with a grin. He stood up. "So if you've all finished ogling my innards, let's get back to work."

Too late he sensed Ianto coming up behind him. The tazer bolt caught him between the shoulder blades. Ianto grabbed him to make his fall to the floor as painless as possible.

Gwen stood there shocked and wide-eyed.

"I can't believe you just did that!" she exclaimed.

"He's got to go to hospital." Owen said. "Tosh get me the average waiting times at the local hospital."

"Okay," Tosh accessed her laptop, "six hours, four for emergency admissions."

"Damn!" Owen hit the table in frustration. "Too long, this is critical."

"Can't you do it Owen?" Gwen asked.

"Look love I'm a doctor not a bloody surgeon!" Owen snapped back.

"But you do surgery, in autopsy like," Gwen persisted.

"Yeah, on dead bodies. If you make a mistake it doesn't matter, they're already dead," He looked over at the prone body of Jack "this is different."

Gwen crossed over to him and placed a hand on his arm.

"You've got to Owen, you're Jacks only hope," she said.

Owen looked around at the gathered team; each one wore a look of concern.
He rubbed his eyes and sighed.

"Okay, okay you win," he acquiesced.

***

"Okay are we all set?" Owen enquired.

"Are you sure this place is clean?" Gwen asked.

"Look Gwen love, this place has been disinfected, irradiated and bio-chemically deep cleaned. Right Ianto?"

From his position at the head of the table, the masked Ianto nodded.

"Now can we get on please, before the patient wakes up?"

"Right." Gwen said, more to calm her own nerves than anything else.

"Scalpel." Owen said, holding out his hand. Luckily he turned to look before the blade came in contact with his glove.

"Jesus Christ Gwen! What are you trying to do, cut my bloody hand off? Handle first."

"Sorry!" Gwen said, wide eyed.

She reached forward with a cloth and dabbed Owens brow.

"Now what the fuck are you doing?" Owen demanded.

"Mopping your brow, live they do in the movies."

"Get real Gwen. Jack could be dying here and you're pissing around like a bleeding school kid. Tosh d'you want to take over here?"

"No thanks." Tosh replied, from her position monitoring proceedings. Owen knew full well that she hated the sight of blood.

"Right here goes." Owen said, making the first incision.

To his surprise moments later the wound closed.

"Oh bugger, he's hyper healing again," he said. "Gwen, pass me the retractors."

"The what?" Gwen asked, the tray was full of instruments and from apart from the obvious scalpels she didn't have a clue what they were.

"Don't worry love I'll get them," Owen said, reaching over, "hopefully they'll keep the wound open long enough to get the appendix out."

"And what it they don't?" Ianto asked.

"Then I'll have to perform a retractomy won't I?" Owen replied, sarcastically. "Now can we get on?"

"All stable this end." Ianto said, checking his monitor.

"Take two." Owen muttered, going for more pressure this time.

***

An hour later Owen removed his mask and took a deep breath.

"All done," he said.

"Owen you were fantastic." Gwen gushed.

"I know." Owen said, modestly. "Ianto d'you want to take Jack down to the recovery room."

"Okay" Ianto said, starting to disconnect the wires leading from Jack to the various pieces of monitoring equipment. "Oh and Owen."

"Yeah what?" Owen snapped, rolling his shoulders, trying to get the cramp out of them.

"You did well," Ianto said.

"Oh God, I need a drink." Owen said walking up the stairs to the main area of the Hub.

"Count me in on that." came a voice from behind.

Owen span round.

"Don't do that to me Jack," he warned. "Jeez, how long have you been awake?"

"Long enough," Jack replied, levering himself into a sitting position on the gurney. "Funny thing, feeling someone rifling through your gut. Not something I'd recommend though, quite out of this world."

"I would have thought that was something you were used to Sir." Ianto commented, as he followed Owen up the stairs.

"Hey, any chance of some clothes down here?" Jack called, " I don't think Cardiff's ready for the toga look this winter guys."

FIN

Note: Phobophobic = fear of phobias.

***