Title: Forgiveness
Author: CoffeeMagic
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Spoilers: This is set before (and, in chapter 4, during) Countrycide, and it's fairly canon-you just have to assume motivations are what I say, not what the show implies.
Summary: An Ianto POV, coping with the loss of Lisa was never going to be Easy, at least someone's there for him.

***

Chapter 1 Under the Hub

Ianto returned frequently to the empty store room under the hub where Lisa had lived. After his first visit all of the equipment he had set up to keep her alive was gone. He wasn't sure how to feel about this, the absence made it easier to forget the danger he'd put everyone in but equally it made her death even more real and reinforced the guilt. He knew he should miss Lisa for herself, but he didn't. He loved the memory of being in love with her but knew that their relationship had really finished a while before canary wharf. That he had been looking at estate agent brochures the morning of the attack almost made her loss harder. If he had been openly devoted to her then at least he wouldn't feel like it was somehow his fault she was gone. The only way he could feel like he wasn't a bad person was to feel like he had been punished. So he sat in the basement. And he thought about how much he should miss her.

Often, after about half an hour, Gwen would come down. She would sit tactfully far away from his still form but close enough to place her hand on his arm and gently whisper empty words of comfort- exactly as her police training had taught her. This grated on Ianto even more than Owen's two attempts to make him "snap out of it". The first time seemed to be his own interpretation of 'tough love' whereby he simply stated that Ianto should

"...just accept it and move on. And if that means shagging a couple of other birds then do it. I've even got a number... here"

Ianto took the scribbled on and stained beer mat but threw it away as soon as he left the hub.

Owen's next visit was far less companionable,

"Get up off the fucking floor and come do your job!"

"It's my lunch break." Ianto's flat response.

"Well fuck off outside then- do something fucking normal! Like eating or actually fucking talking to people! Gwen won't shut up about your moping down here and I'm fucking pissed off with it!"

He stood and glared at Ianto for a few moments. When the Welshman made no move he threw his arms up and stormed out, uttering a few choice curses as he left.

As expected, Tosh came down too. The first time she tried Gwen's approach, but strangely Ianto didn't find it nearly as aggravating. He supposed it was because he had known her a lot longer- they had been very close when Suzie was with them, but since her death they had both found it harder to trust colleagues. The next visit was just after she had lost her mother, something she chose not to confide in anyone but Ianto, and just sat in silence on the floor near him. Sharing the pain of grief and survivours guilt.

***

Chapter 2 Jack

Jack never once came down to Ianto's basement, something he was very grateful for. Once or twice Ianto had thought that Jack looked like he meant to follow him but stopped himself. Their relationship still wasn't what it had been before Lisa, despite nearly three months passing.

The two had always been closer than a normal employee and boss. Jack certainly wasn't subtle when he found someone attractive (no member of Torchwood was safe from his overt flirtations) and ever since Ianto had arrived, fresh from Torchwood 1, Jack had made their relationship very physical. He was always greeted with a hug, right from the first time he had stepped into the little information office, and was Jack's kiss on the stroke of the new year (the team were celebrating in the hub and a very drunk Owen was all over Suzie so an equally drunk Ianto and Jack decided to leave the uncomfortable situation- ending up alone on the stroke of twelve).

Despite this bond, ever since he was a child Ianto had been acutely aware that telling people your secrets wasn't generally a very good idea, and as an adult he rarely confided in anyone, hence the situation with Lisa. He had always thought of Jack as being the same, but frequently when the two of them remained alone in the hub Jack would tell Ianto stories of his past, on the understanding that they went no further. And in a way Ianto reciprocated, telling unimportant memories about growing up but claiming to prefer listening to Jack's life, all the while absorbing every piece of information and mentally filing it away for future reference. He had seized on every snippet about the cybermen though Jack seemed to genuinely know very little about them. Either that or he was a much better liar than Ianto thought he was, but as far as Jack knew there was no reason to lie. Ianto had been at canary wharf and would have no reason to want to help the creatures survive.

Since Jack had discovered how wrong he was on his point he barely spoke to Ianto at all and certainly didn't touch him. The rest of the team seemed to be keeping out of it, even Owen was being tactfully silent on the situation. Oddly, Ianto got the impression that the reason Jack as avoiding him was to prevent him feeling harassed rather than because he himself felt any animosity. Each time he initiated any contact with his captain- handing over coffee, greeting him in the morning- he was met with an encouraging smile. He found this a little unnerving as Jack should be furious, but reasoned that the lack of conflict was probably a precursor to a demand to reveal everything he knew about the cybermen, before being retconned into oblivion.

***

Chapter 3 After Hours

Lately the rift had been throwing things into Cardiff at a much higher rate than usual and the rest of the team were frequently absent from the hub. Before he had used these times to run down to Lisa, telling himself that it was a good thing, though not completely able to suppress the feeling that he would rather be doing other things. Now he was at a bit of a loss as to how to pass the time alone in the hub. He couldn't remember exactly what he had wanted to do rather than see Lisa and the jobs he found to occupy himself became increasingly monotonous. He hardly seemed to be of any use during the day and eventually requested of Jack that he could have a break in the middle of the day and work extra hours later. Jack seemed surprised but agreed to the request. And so a few nights later Ianto found himself alone in the hub tidying up the debris from that day.

With his bin bag in hand he was reaching for the handle of Jack's office door when it flew open and Jack came barrelling out, crashing straight into Ianto and sending them both sprawling down the short flight of stairs. The two men landed in a heap of tangled limbs under Tosh's desk.

"Ianto! Oh God, are you ok? Ianto? Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry!"

"I'm fine, Sir. You?"

"Oh I'm alright. Are you sure though? Not hurt?"

"Really, Sir. I'm ok." Ianto got to his feet and pulled Jack up. He saw the weevil alert light on Jack's mobile which was lying a few feet away. 'So that's where he was going in such a rush' he thought to himself. Jack seemed to notice his glance and hastily picked up the phone stuffing it into his pocket. 'That's odd. No reason for him to hide the weevil alert. Perfectly natural for him to run out of his office about it.' Ianto decided it was best not to comment or let Jack know he realised something was going on. He assumed a neutral expression when Jack said,

"I was, er, just coming out to get, um, coffee. Yeah, really fancy some coffee right now."

Ianto was inwardly amazed at how feeble the lie was. Not only was the explanation ridiculous as he always just called if he wanted coffee, but his stumbling delivery gave the firm impression that he was making it up as he went along. 'I would've thought he could improvise better than that' he mused 'In fact, I know he can. I've seen him make up a perfectly plausible yet brilliantly elaborate story at a moments notice after retconning people. What's going on now?' of course none of this showed on his face and he simply smiled.

Jack smoothed his hair as he straightened up. The wide captain Harkness grin was back as he said,

"So, coffee. Can I get you a cup too?" Jack began towards the kitchen.

"I can make it for you if you'd like, Sir. After all, I'm the tea boy."

Even though he heard it from Owen practically everyday it still pissed him off. He wasn't sure why he'd brought it up, he didn't want to come across as angry or bitter- perhaps he was a bit tired. Jack stopped in his tracks and caught Ianto's elbow as he passed.

"You know that's not true Ianto, you're as valued as any member of this team. You wouldn't have been hired if you weren't good at what you do. I'll have a word with Owen in the morning"

Ianto grinned.

"I thought I was hired because I looked good in a suit. But seriously Sir, you don't need to talk to Owen. It doesn't bother me anymore."

"Ianto..."

"I can stand up for myself, Sir." It came out a bit sharper than he meant it to and Jack seemed to pick up on it and an odd look fleeted across his face. It seemed to be a mixture of hurt, anger and frustration that didn't really make sense to the Welshman.

"Nevertheless, Ianto. He needs to start respecting everyone on this team."

"It really isn't necessary sir. Besides, respect has to be earned." He turned and headed for the kitchen.

"But you have earned it!" There was a definite tone of desperation in his voice, "This place would literally fall apart without you. We need you. I need you." These last words made Ianto stop dead. He heard Jack's breath catch in his throat as he realised what he'd just said. He turned around and was shocked to see Jack looking totally broken. His captain had always been so strong, his feelings a total enigma, but now he looked on the verge of tears. Ianto felt completely lost. Emotional breakdowns were Gwen's area of expertise and he didn't even know what had brought this on.

"Ianto I... I'm so sorry." He sat down hard on the steps. Ianto remained where he was waiting to hear what he was sorry for. Had he been retconned already? Was that why Jack was feeling guilty?

"I'm sorry about your girlfriend." Ianto's stomach gave a jolt, he hadn't even considered that he would feel bad about that. Even he secretly knew that it had really been the only course of action that could be taken- even if Jack could've handled it better.

"How I treated you was wrong, really wrong and I'm sorry. But you have to understand I did what was right! I know it won't stop you hating me but, well, I guess I know how it feels now, to lose someone and, and, I'm so sorry I did that to you." He dropped his head into his hands and sat there looking utterly defeated. Ianto felt slightly relieved- at least now he knew what was troubling him. He sat down on the steps behind Jack and pulled him into a one armed hug.

"I know, Sir. You did what you had to, I understand that and I've forgiven you. It just doesn't make it any easier. I shouldn't take it out on you, I suppose were in the same boat really."

"No we're not. You lost someone despite doing everything you could to save them. I lost someone because I didn't treat them like they deserved. It's my own fault. I deserve this."

"Don't say that, Sir. You couldn't have been there for her- she never would have understood why you weren't aging, you done anything differently. It wasn't your fault she died" Jack was silent for a few seconds.

"Who are you talking about, Ianto?" Ianto was taken aback.

"Estelle. Who else?"

"Oh. Right. Estelle."

"Was she not who you meant?" Jack raised his head from his hands staring blankly ahead but said nothing. After a few minutes Ianto became slightly worried "Are you sure you're alright, Sir? I can call Owen if you need him" Jack's eyes focussed and he patted Ianto's arm lightly,

"No, no I'm ok. Well I, er, guess I'd better get back to work then." His reassuring smile didn't convince Ianto but nonetheless he got up and pulled Jack up with him.

"Right, Sir. I'll bring the coffee in." He entered the kitchen but watched Jack's progress to his desk. He made the coffee as fast as he could and brought it through to his captain who was now seated at his desk typing furiously and periodically checking the jumble of files on his desk. Ianto handed him the coffee and busied himself picking up the scraps of paper from the floor all the while keeping Jack in his vision, checking for any more strange outbursts. When he had exhausted his list of excuses to stay in the office he turned to leave but Jack called to him,

"Sir?"

"Look, Ianto. I want things to go back to how they were before all of this" Ianto couldn't help but smirk slightly as he thought of the rather unprofessional flirting,

"Is that so, Sir?"

"Yeah, I hate things being awkward. And about earlier, I guess, things just got on top of me, you know?"

Ianto smiled sweetly,

"No Sir, I'm afraid I don't know anything about being on top of you." Jack threw back his head laughing,

"Only you, Ianto! You could make anything dirty!"

"Is that a challenge, Sir?"

"No, though I'm sure you'd win. And it's 'Jack' not 'Sir'" Jack got up and moved around the desk to stand directly in front of Ianto "I want you to relax when it's just the two of us here. That means you don't have to wear this." He reached up and caressed the silk of Ianto's tie before loosening the knot and lifting it over his head. Ianto sighed. He didn't like looking untidy at work but nor did he like disobeying his captain. He took the tie from Jack and laid it neatly over the back of a chair, following it with his shirt and waistcoat. As he undid the top two buttons on his shirt he returned to stand before the older man.

"Better, Sir?" Jack stepped so close their chests were almost touching and pulled Ianto's shirt out of his waistband.

"Perfect." Ianto opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Jack's lips on his. The kiss took him so much by surprise that he almost stumbled backwards but Jacks arms wound tightly around his waist holding him steady. He didn't seem to have noticed how one sided the kiss was for when he pulled back he caressed the Welshman's cheek and sighed "God you're so beautiful, Ianto"

***

Chapter 4 Love

The weevil alarm rang through the hub. This second alarm meant there had now been two attacks and could not be ignored. Jack placed another light kiss on Ianto's lips, said,

"Don't you move, I'll be right back." Grabbed his greatcoat and the weevil spray and ran to the hub doors. The metallic clang as they closed jolted Ianto out of his reverie. Everything Jack had said on the steps made sense now. Jack was in love with him.

Characteristically his first thought was annoyance that he hadn't noticed the signs. Usually he was incredibly perceptive so how had he missed this? And, what else had he missed? He knew Tosh wasn't happy at the moment, but then she rarely was. And he knew Gwen and Owen were having an affair, though if it had been written on a neon sign above the hub it would have been more subtle than their feeble attempts to act naturally around one anther.

Out of habit Ianto began to tidy the hub trying to think how to let Jack down gently, tell him that they just couldn't be together, but all the while a little voice at the back of his mind was asking 'Why not?'. It wasn't as if he didn't like Jack, or even fancy him and the thought of being held by someone who wanted him so badly was exhilarating! He hadn't had a rush like that since Lisa...

'Lisa. That's why not.' He told himself firmly. 'I don't deserve this. It's far too soon to be moving on, she deserves more.'

The next half an hour was spent composing exactly what to say to Jack. When he heard the doors clang he watched the captain drag a weevil through to the cells and readied himself for his return. Jack walked back in smiling but Ianto didn't get past,

"I'm sorry Jack..." before he turned on his heel and disappeared into his quarters. Ianto fought the urge to follow eventually deciding that it would be best to leave the situation entirely, and returned to his flat.

The next morning he was woken by an answer phone message from Jack instructing him to leave the suit at home and pack for camping. He was pleased to be included and hoped it meant that Jack wasn't too distraught about the day before, but was acutely aware that they were going to be spending time in very close proximity so if things weren't ok between them it could get difficult. As expected, Jack hardly spoke to Ianto. He was polite and outwardly friendly enough not to make the rest of the team suspicious, but there was a definite coolness between them and he didn't sparkle the way he usually did.

Gwen's game pissed him off enough to be rather sharp with her. She was supposed to be the tactful one so he took a certain pleasure in making her uncomfortable. He felt cruel saying Lisa had been his last kiss but knew that the truth would elicit awkward questions from the others. He looked at Jack hoping to see some recognition of this, but saw only anger in the captain's face.

Outwardly, Jack's decision to send him off with Tosh seemed normal enough, but Ianto knew his policy on sharing out the strongest members of the group. Really it should've been Owen accompanying Tosh since, trained as Ianto was, he had very little field experience. He knew it was best not to comment though and set off up the hill after Tosh, who spent nearly the entire two miles complaining about Owen's carelessness with her precious equipment.

When they sighted the large grey building they fell silent, on the alert for danger. They split up to check both sides of the building. Meeting round the back, Ianto continued up the hill slightly to see if he could spot anything further on.

"Should carry on straight up there." The silence was like being doused with icy water. He whipped around but she wasn't there.

"Tosh!" He loaded his Gun.

"Tosh! Tosh!" he crept slowly back towards the house his eyes scanning for the tiniest movement. Breathing "Ok. Ok." he entered the little alleyway. The bark of a dog fox made him jump and whip around. He realised it was a mistake to enter the alley. Out in the open he could see what he was up against, so he made for the rear of the building. He was knocked onto his front and only managed to turn enough to get a quick glimpse of the hooded figure before it was upon him forcing a vile smelling rag over his mouth and nose.

***

Chapter 5 Secrets

Thanks to the concussion sustained when saving Tosh, Ianto could recall very little about the cannibals. He remembered being slapped awake, having the meat cleaver pressed to his throat and Jack's spectacular entrance. As he lost the battle against unconsciousness he leaned back into Gwen's arms and imagined they were his captain's.

Back at the Hub Tosh left immediately for home, and Owen declared he was going to drop Gwen off (the anaesthetic prevented her from driving) and go home himself. He instructed Jack that Ianto would need taking home

"He's got concussion. No way can he drive tonight- not if you want him alive tomorrow anyway." The doors clanged behind him, leaving the two alone. After several minutes, Jack crossed over to the balcony above the autopsy room to look down at Ianto. Despite having an ice pack pressed to his temple the Welshman was tidying up Owen's equipment.

"Leave that for tonight. You ready to go home?" Jack's voice was cold and expressionless. Ianto looked up at him but the sudden movement made his eyes blur and his head swam sickeningly. He staggered slightly catching the table for support. Jack landed beside him with a loud thud and caught him around the waist.

"You ok? Sit down a minute" Jack lifted Ianto up to sit on the table and hugged him tightly. Sleepily, Ianto draped his arms around Jack's neck burying his face in the older man's shoulder. He heard Jack's breath hitch slightly but was too tired to pull away. He smiled.

"Your heart's goin' fast." A pause, then a sigh.

"Yeah it would be. How do you feel? Recon you can make it to the SUV?" Ianto's 'No' was truthful, tiredness was beginning to engulf him and he felt very weak.

"Guess I'd better find you someplace here then." He shifted around to slide an arm behind Ianto's knees, ready to lift him. Ianto chuckled.

"There's no way you can carry me Jack-I'm much too heavy. I'll walk. Just... hold me up ok?" Jack steered them through his office and into his private quarters. Gently, he lowered Ianto onto the bed.

"I've never been in here before."

"No. I guess you haven't. Well is there anything I can get for you before I go?"

"Oh I'm fine. Wait, go where?"

"I thought I'd set up a bed on the sofa..."

"Don't be silly! I can't kick you out of your own bed!"

"But..."

"There's room for two. Actually there's room for about ten, you could get lost for weeks in here!" Jack laughed

"Well you never know when you might need room for one more!" Ianto chuckled and settled down in the bed. Jack took off his over shirt and trousers and got in too. For about half an hour they discussed the team, some of the more interesting cases and exactly what happened earlier that day. Ianto could almost imagine they'd gone back to how it had been before, but at the back of his mind he knew they needed to talk. Ignoring the rushing pain to his head he propped himself up to look at Jack.

"Look, about yesterday," Jack stiffened and his voice became hard,

"What about it?"

"Jack, you know what. I just want to tell you that, well, it's just the wrong time. You know I care for you..."

"Do I?"

"Sorry?"

"How would I know that, Ianto? It's not like you ever tell me anything about yourself. I don't really know how you feel about anyone," Ianto made to interrupt but Jack cut him off "And don't say it's 'cos I never asked you 'cos you know you wouldn't tell me anything even if I did." He turned away from the Welshman and Ianto lay back digesting Jack's words. He knew the other man was right but not what to do to fix it. He decided that if it was knowledge Jack wanted he could have it. He took a deep breath and poured out his heart and soul. How he wished he was still best friends with Tosh, his secret resentment of Gwen for gaining her position in the group so quickly and how much Owen wound him up. After talking of his school days, being personally recruited for Torchwood one and the position he had held there, he came to Lisa. He told Jack everything. How they had met on their cigarette breaks and decided to quit together, about meeting her parents two Christmases ago, the gradual disintegration of their relationship and his overwhelming guilt at her death.

At this Jack moved over, pulling Ianto into his arms and wiped the tears away with a rough palm. When Ianto had calmed down enough to hear him he lifted the young man's chin to look into his eyes.

"It wasn't your fault. The cybermen couldn't be stopped. Trust me Ianto, you couldn't have saved her. There was no way on earth."

"Something stopped them."

"Another alien. One of immense power." He sensed Ianto's eagerness to know more but cut him off "I can't tell you anything about him, I just don't know. I'm not sure anyone really does" He looked down into Ianto's upturned face and stroked his cheek. "You have to forgive yourself you know. It's the only way you can go on." Ianto nodded and closed his eyes. He desperately wanted to keep talking but the concussion was catching up on him. He felt a light kiss on the top of his head and smiled slightly.

"Goodnight Ianto."

"G'night Jack"

***

Chapter 6 The Morning After

Ianto awoke the next day feeling like a weight had been lifted from his chest. Despite the throbbing pain in his head and the large bump, he felt the best he had in months.

Jack emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel and rubbing another through his hair.

"And how are we feeling today?"

"Fantastic actually. Sort of, lighter." Jack beamed

"Always helps to talk you know." He sat down on the bad beside Ianto. "You can always talk to me ok? I want you to be able to confide in me. As your boss, if nothing more" He flushed slightly and began furiously towelling his hair again, avoiding any eye contact. Ianto chuckled and pulled the cloth from Jack's hands.

"You're much more than just my boss Jack, I thought I told you that yesterday." Jack smiled slightly,

"Yeah you did." His face clouded "I just wish I didn't have to wait for the right time. Not that I want to rush you!" he hastily added searching Ianto's face for signs of hurt. His anxious expression made Ianto laugh,

"Maybe you won't have to wait that long." He leant forward and placed the lightest kiss on Jack's lips. Jack made a startled noise but leant forward to deepen the kiss. His hands found Ianto's hips and pulled him closer. They embraced tightly until Ianto lay back on the bed pulling Jack down beside him. They lay in each other's arms for almost an hour when a booming clang from above signified the arrival of at least one of the team. Jack sighed and the two men untangled their arms and got off the bed.

Ianto picked up his blood spattered jeans and Jacket from yesterday, looked at them with disgust and set off to retrieve his spare suit from the storerooms. The months he'd spent with Torchwood had taught him to always keep a change of clothes nearby- the last time he'd needed it was when a small silver ball Jack was examining had exploded, showering the hub and it's occupants with a treacle like blue substance. His mind was still replaying that incident when he found the right room and donned his suit. It was not until he was almost back at the autopsy room that he realised he'd walked straight past Lisa's room twice without a thought. It surprised him, but there was no guilt this time, just acceptance. He had learnt how to move on and he knew Jack would be with him every step of the way.

***