Title: Happy Halloween
By: lilithangel
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: The whole team have to dress up and attend a party where some alien attack is due to happen
AN: Set during Season One before the events of Out of Time.
Summary: UNIT have reports of a potential alien incursion, Tosh has tracked a signal to the biggest Halloween Ball in Cardiff. Jack decides they need to go undercover to stop whatever is happening.

***

“Why don’t we just go as a top secret alien investigation team,” Owen said irritably.

“Come on,” Jack said, “it’s Halloween, amusing costumes and jocularity. We don’t want to stand out and give the game away,” he added.

“We could go as superheroes,” Gwen suggested, “or a pop group.”

“Hell no,” Owen said firmly.

“It’s scary, silly or sexy,” Jack said, “everyone pick something you want and don’t leave it too long most of the good costumes will be gone already.”

“Tosh is sorting mine out,” Ianto said, “so I can man the Hub.”

“Tosh is, is she?” Owen raised an eyebrow.

“We discussed it while you were bitching at Jack,” Ianto replied.

“So I’m guessing Jack’s going as an RAF pilot and Owen’s going as a doctor but what are you and Tosh going as?” Gwen asked curiously.

“You’ll see,” Ianto said with a smile.

“What makes you think I’m going as a doctor?” Owen said.

“Don’t tell us you weren’t thinking of it,” Ianto said.

“Well we’ll see,” Owen said grabbing his coat.

“It’s not an excuse to go to the pub Owen,” Jack called after him.

“Go on Ianto,” Gwen cajoled, “you can tell me.”

“You’ll just have to wait and see when Tosh gets back,” Ianto said, “what about you Gwen, what are you planning to wear?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t already dashed to the shops,” Owen said.

“Well last year Rhys really liked my costume so I went and bought it, but it does take a while to get into so I’d better head home,” Gwen replied with a blush and a grin.

“You too Owen,” Jack said, “I want a proper costume from you as well so hop to it.”

Owen rolled his eyes and followed Gwen out.

An hour later Tosh arrived via the tunnels with a suit bag for Ianto and wearing a very long coat and a very big afro wig.

“Where is everyone?” she asked.

“Running for costumes so you’re first back and looking very foxy if I may say so,” Ianto said, “Jack has disappeared somewhere he actually might have a costume organised. I better get dressed.”

Ianto disappeared with his suit bag just as Gwen came down through the Tourist Office.

“What do you think?” she asked Tosh revealing a cat woman outfit.

“You look fantastic,” Tosh said.

“Alright, show me,” Gwen said, “I’m dying of curiosity here.”

Tosh blushed as she took off her coat to reveal a yellow leather jacket and matching mini skirt with a black bikini and black platform boots.

“Foxxy Cleopatra,” Gwen said with a laugh, “that’s fantastic. Does this mean that Ianto is Austin Powers?”

“Shagadelic ladies.” a voice drawled from the stairs.

Gwen and Tosh squealed with delight at Ianto’s purple velour suit, white ruffled shirt and cravat.

“You look amazing,” Gwen replied, “whatever possessed you to pick these characters?”

“Ianto mentioned James Bond,” Tosh admitted, “but I said that was just an excuse to wear a tuxedo and it didn’t count as a costume unless he wore the swimsuit Daniel Craig had on in Casino Royale. He refused unless I wore what Halle Berry wore and we both decided Cardiff wasn’t the place for swimwear in November.”

“And the conversation ended up with bad Austin Powers quotes,” Ianto continued, “and here we are. Tosh knows a guy who used to run a theme party business and here we are, groovy isn’t it?” Ianto slipped the fake teeth in and put his arms around both girls.

“More than groovy,” Jack said from his office. The three turned around and broke into peals of laughter.

Jack was wearing sandals and long socks, shorts and a short sleeved shirt and was carrying a satchel.

“A mailman?” Gwen gasped.

“Come on,” Jack said giving them a spin, “how can you not like what these shorts do?”

“I half thought you’d be in drag,” Tosh admitted.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Jack said. “Although I do have the legs for it.”

The door alarm blared and Owen arrived wearing an army uniform.

“Hello soldier boy,” Gwen said as Jack whistled.

“That looks pretty authentic,” Ianto said in surprise.

“Shut up everyone,” Owen said although he looked a little pleased at the appreciative responses. “My grandfather served and when he died my gran sent it to me. Never took it out of the box until today, lucky he was a similar build. The shirt didn’t make it though and god it itches like hell.”

“You look very smart,” Tosh said and he did.

“You can talk,” Owen said, noticing her outfit for the first time. “Did you have that in your wardrobe?”

“No,” Tosh said with a blush.

“Very appropriate there Cooper,” Owen said eyeing Gwen up and down.

“The cat or the super villain?” Gwen replied archly.

“Leather is always appropriate,” Jack said with a leer. He clapped his hands together. “Okay team, everyone gear up and try to stay on your toes, we don’t know what we’re going to encounter.”

“What exactly are we looking for at this party?” Owen said as they headed for the car.

“Tosh?” Jack said.

“We’ll be looking for humanoids with metallic red hair and eyes. I’ll be tracking any signals that might be sent,” Tosh said.

“We suspect some of the guests are using the cover of the costume ball to meet with representatives of the Caxtarids. With the usual stupid idea about world domination and getting their share,” Jack explained. “Intel has given us a few names but there may be more involved.”

“Who would be stupid enough to do that?” Ianto said.

“The Caxtarids trade in anything they can get their claws on,” Jack said, “they make the Slitheen look like amateurs. A few spurious contracts, beads and blankets and you’ve signed the whole planet over.”

“You think somebody at the party is prepared to sell us out to aliens?” Gwen said in shock.

“All this time on the job and you still believe in people?” Owen said incredulously. “How long were you a copper?” Owen snorted.

“Alright people,” Jack interrupted, “remember we want to stop this from happening, but it’s Halloween so let’s have some fun too.”

“How did we get invitations to this?” Gwen asked as the SUV pulled up in front of the estate where the ball was being held.

“Ianto pulled some strings,” Jack said, “He knows people.” Jack waggled his eyebrows as he parked the car.

Ianto offered his arm to Tosh when they got out, “come on then foxy lady let’s do this thing.” Owen crooked a smile and offered his arm to Gwen letting Jack lead the way into the party.

“I can see why someone thought this was a good place to have a clandestine meeting,” Tosh said as they took in the throngs of costumed people.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Jack said with a laugh, “I’ve already spotted at least two MI6 agents, they’re lousy at blending in really. Intelligence reports indicate KGB and Chinese military have secured invitations as well. I’d be surprised if anyone here was just here to have a good time.”

“Well I’m going to try,” Owen said snagging a glass from a passing waitress dressed as a Roman slave. “Just one,” he said at Jack’s warning look.

“Come on Jack,” Ianto said grabbing a glass for himself and Tosh, “you said it yourself. If we’re going to blend in we need a drink.”

Jack grabbed a glass of wine for Gwen and a juice for himself. “Spread out kids, see what you can find but keep your communicators on.”

Owen took this to mean flirt with every pretty girl he could see especially those with brightly coloured hair or obvious wigs and he was soon spinning Madame du Pompadour around the dance floor.

Ianto ran interference for Tosh as she tried to surreptitiously scan the area with her smallest PDA.

Jack took Gwen for a lap of the dance floor deftly changing partners with a Batman and a Cleopatra. By the time the set ended Jack had twirled around two more Egyptian queens, an Alice and two Sweeny Todds. When Ianto tapped him on the shoulder he smiled at his mermaid partner and swung Ianto into his arms.

“Do I make you horny baby?” Jack said with a leer.

Ianto rolled his eyes. “I’d tell you to stop but it would only encourage you. Tosh thinks the Caxtarids are upstairs, there’s some signal loss but she’s pretty sure.”

“You’ll have to get your special delivery later then,” Jack grinned.

“Is it a large package?” Ianto retaliated. “And don’t make any comments about fitting through slots,” he warned at the expression on Jack’s face.

“Let’s find the others and get moving,” Jack said slipping back into work mode and signalling Tosh.

They found Gwen flirting with a Joker. “Have you seen Owen?” Jack asked her and she shook her head. “Not since passing him on the dance floor with a cheerleader.”

Jack sighed with annoyance when Owen didn’t answer his communicator. “We can’t wait; we need to find a way upstairs.”

“There appears to be a number of security personnel,” Ianto said, “more than I would have expected for a charity ball.”

Casually the team made their way through the ballroom and into a connecting corridor. Tosh checked her PDA and indicated the nearest stairs.

“The signal’s clearing up,” she said, “they’re definitely up there.”

“Let’s go,” Jack said checking his wrist strap.

They had made it to the stairs when Jack grabbed Tosh and started to nuzzle at her neck. Quickly Ianto put his arms around Gwen and squeezed her rump. Gwen jumped but spotted the security guards and got into the act.

“I’m sorry you can’t go up there,” one of the guards said.

“We were just looking for a bit of privacy,” Jack said with a grin, “you know how it is.”

The guard smirked but shook his head, one hand resting suggestively on his holster. “You’ll have to find somewhere down here.”

“There’s a nice cupboard under the stairs,” a voice said behind the guards. The guards started to turn and then collapsed to reveal Owen standing there with a tranquilliser gun. “They’ll wake up in an hour with a headache and nothing else,” Owen added.

“Is there really a cupboard?” Jack asked and Owen nodded.

“It’s already got a Weevil in there,” Owen said, “but it’s restrained. We’ll just have to remember to pick it up on the way out. Bloody thing knocked out my earpiece and stood on it. Oh and I’ve administered on dose of Retcon to a cheerleader who almost starred in her own horror movie.”

“We can’t put them in with a Weevil,” Gwen said as Jack and Ianto grabbed the guards.

“What do you suggest we do with them?” Jack said and Gwen looked around.

“Shove them behind that plant,” she said, “they just need to be out of the way.”

“Okay,” Jack said, “time’s a wasting.”

They made it up to the second floor without any other interruptions and Tosh led them down a corridor stopping at a set of double doors.

Jack gestured everyone into position out of sight and then grinned. Without warning he grabbed Ianto and started to kiss him while opening the door.

The group inside spun around as the door banged open and two snogging men tumbled in.

“Oh shit, sorry,” Jack said putting on his best startled innocence voice as he and Ianto ‘noticed’ the group.

Three Caxtarids stood together in front of a large desk with three other costumed people on the other side. Jack and Ianto pulled their guns as the other three took up position inside the door.

“Everybody freeze,” Jack ordered, “that includes you Tinky Winky.”

“Teletubbies,” Owen said incredulously.

“What do you think you are doing?” Laa Laa demanded.

“Arresting you for attempting to commit planetcide,” Jack replied. “Is that a word?”

“Who are you to interfere in a business transaction?” one of the Caxtarids demanded.

“We’re Torchwood,” Jack said, “and your business transaction is illegal by both the laws of this planet and Galactic Law. This planet is still designated Level Five.”

“The use of sonic devices has been recorded,” the Caxtarid retaliated.

“Designation has not changed,” Jack replied. “And I think you’ll find that Torchwood now has authority under the Shadow Proclamation to defend Earth’s future business interests.”

“Earth’s what?” Gwen interrupted.

“The Shadow Proclamation allows people and planets to sell themselves if they so choose once they reach a Level Seven designation.”

“That’s crazy,” Tosh said and Jack shrugged.

“This is a private transaction,” the Caxtarid said. “All purchases were to be agreed.”

“Still illegal,” Jack said.

“As fascinating as this all might be,” Owen interrupted, “I think we’re getting off the point. These Teletubbies were planning on selling out the Earth in return for a profit.” He turned his gun on the three costumes.

“Heads off,” Jack ordered, “let’s see who thought that was a good idea. Now!”

Ianto and Gwen kept their guns trained on the Caxtarids as Jack encouraged the three to remove their costume heads but a quick glance allowed Ianto to identify one of them.

“Stuart Kendall,” Ianto said, “owner of the largest small goods distribution companies in Cardiff.”

“Thought you’d expand into larger goods then Mr Kendall?” Jack said.

“You’ve got no proof of anything,” Stuart blustered. “This was just a simple meeting to reach a common ground for future negotiations.”

Jack started to rifle through papers on the desk and raised an eyebrow. “I suspect we’ll find what we need here or on somebody’s computer.”

“You can’t pin anything on us our lawyers can’t get thrown out of court,” another added. “Who’s going to believe you anyway?”

“We don’t need them to,” Jack said, “Tosh?”

Tosh had been checking her PDA. “Stacy Carlisle, professor of language studies just returned from Eastern Europe,” she said indicating the man that had spoken, “and Matthew Jones, under secretary in the Cardiff city council.”

“Well gentlemen,” Jack said, “you’re about to discover Torchwood justice.”

“Hang on,” Ianto interrupted, “there are four Teletubbies, who’s missing?”

“Po,” Owen said promptly.

There was a soft snick from a side door and Gwen darted out of the room tackling the fourth Teletubbie as it tried to sneak away.

“Come on then Po,” Gwen said, dragging it back and pulling off the costume head.

“Miranda Fleet,” Ianto said with some surprise.

“Daughter of our host,” Jack said without surprise.

“Take you hands off me,” she demanded struggling in Gwen’s grip.

“Daddy’s trust fund not enough?” Owen sneered.

“Honestly, it’s not like anyone is using the Earth properly,” she replied, “at least this way people that matter will survive.”

“You honestly believe that?” Gwen said incredulously at her defiant glare.

“People are ruining the planet,” she said, “over population and misuse of resources mean we are running out. We’ve got something they want and we get a better planet out of it.”

“Hold it right there,” Jack said turning his gun back on the Caxtarid who had moved closer together, “claws where I can see them. How many times are we going to have to do this? Didn’t the Sycorax teach you anything?”

“Yes that this planet is full of valuable resources waiting for a good business venture.”

“Well you’re wrong,” Jack replied, “Earth is defended so pop back up to your battleships, yes we are very much aware of the three in orbit. Three battleships folks,” he added to the humans, “You were opening the door to a full scale invasion not an increase in your retirement fund. They would not have left anything for you.” Jack stood tall and glared at the aliens. “Cut your losses and leave before I do something you’ll regret.”

The Caxtarids bristled but nodded sharply and after a brief discussion in their own language, disappeared in a transport beam.

“Tosh?” Jack said.

“They’re leaving the system now,” Tosh confirmed after a moment.

“I don’t know who you Torchwood people think you are,” Stuart Kendall blustered.

“We’re the people that are going to make sure you never try to barter with people’s lives again,” Jack replied.

Owen pulled his gun and shot them.

“Tranquiliser,” Jack said as they all reacted in fear, “you’re coming with us.”

“You can’t do this,” Stacy Carlisle protested, “we’ll be missed.”

“You Mr Carlisle are going to wake up in the morning with kiddie porn on your computer and the police at your door with records of visits to underage prostitutes in Greece,” Jack said with a smirk.

“You can’t manufacture things like that,” Matthew Jones said trying to keep his footing as the drug took effect.

“You’ll find we can do a lot of things,” Ianto replied, “for example you’ve been skimming thousands of pounds off the council and the money is about to be found in a secret bank account in your name after an anonymous call to the papers.”

“That’s not council money,” Matthew protested.

“No, it’s blood money,” Ianto said, “but you’ll believe it and confess.”

“You won’t get away with this,” Stuart Kendall said.

“I was hoping someone would say that, I love that line,” Jack said happily. “Actually we will. I suspect close inspection of shipping containers from your company will reveal human cargo dreaming of a better life that you didn’t care about. You Mr Kendall will go down for human trafficking.”

“I’m somebody,” Miranda wailed. “You can’t treat me like this.”

“Right now you’re nobody,” Owen hissed. “You little miss are going to wake up in two days a prostitute in a Russian brothel with nothing but vague memories of a better life.”

Miranda’s horrified gaze glazed over as she collapsed to the floor.

“We’re not really sending her to Russia are we?” Gwen said as they guided the nearly unconscious people down the back stairs to where Jack was bringing the car.

“Nah,” Owen said almost regretfully. “She’ll wake up in an alley without her knickers with her picture plastered all over the tabloids and no memory of what she’s been doing for the last two weeks. That should be enough to get her time at Providence Park.”

“How do you come up with these scenarios?” Gwen said with worried awe.

“Practice,” Tosh replied. “At least we didn’t have to worry about the costumes.”

“Fuck, Weevil,” Owen said dropping Mr Kendall into the back of the SUV. “Hope you don’t mind us shoving it in the back with this lot,” he added to Gwen, “otherwise you can give up your seat.”

“I’ll make an exception,” Gwen said staring at the unconscious group. “Even after everything I’ve seen I still can’t understand how people can do things like that.”

“If you’re lucky you never will,” Jack said. “Let’s go team. No doubt the Weevils will be restless, it is Halloween after all.”

“I’m waiting for the day someone has the bright idea to make Weevil masks,” Owen said.

“Not even in jest Owen,” Jack chided, “go and fetch your Weevil and let’s get out of here, I’ve got a package to deliver. Good job tonight team.”

END

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