Title: When Jack Met John Met Ianto
By: bittersweet
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: gen
Summary: Jack and John spending an evening getting very drunk...
Disclaimer: negotiations are pending, and I will keep you updated as to ownership status.

***

"Gwen... it's almost midnight. Why are you calling me?"

"I know, I know, but just as I was leaving someone turned up at the Hub. And by someone I mean John. It was John Hart."

"Oh god... what happened? Are you alright... Jack! Is Jack ok?"

"Sort of...look, first they tried to bash the shit out of each other, then they got sick of that and started playing drinking games. Two bottles of scotch in and they were sobbing and hugging like long lost brothers ... and then the Hub ran out of alcohol so they went downtown -"

"But is Jack alright? Where is he now?"

"That's the problem - now Jack's stark naked and passed out on top of the SUV and John is crawling around Roald Dahl Plass on his hands and knees serenading stray cats. I need you, Ianto... I don't know what to do any more – do I give John a hand or put a bullet through his head? I'll warn you now... I really like the sound of the second option. He bloody groped me."

"Tempting, but don't. I'm coming. Hold on."

"And I-I-I.... Willll allwaaays loooove you-u-u..."

"Put the cat down now!"

"But who is this? Who is this gorgeous tall angry person? Look who it is everybody... Eyecandy! Say hello everyone, now say hello to my pretty new friend...hic... No, no don't do that - don't take away Mr Kitty! He's so fluffy... he reminds me of a girl I knew on Vitleysin 12..."

"I don't care. This is not Vitleysin 12. It is Earth and our cats are defenceless animals who cannot possibly give informed consent."

"He licked me first."

"Give me the damn cat."

"Oh, fine then...Why will you people never let me have any fun?"

"Because we love to watch you suffer. Now you're coming with me, Mr...uh, Hart."

"Call me Vera, please, all my most special friends do."

"Just get up."

"Alright, alright...oomph-"

"Shit... here, steady now. I've got you. One step at a time."

...

...

"You smell delicious, Eyecandy."

"And you smell like the pavement outside a nightclub. A cheap nightclub. Get in the car."

"Or what, you'll manhandle me? Sorry to break it to you, darling, but that's more a reward than a punishment. Not that I would mind a bit of punishment if it came from you..."

"In!"

...

...

"So... where are you taking me, Mr Bond? Got any more secret bases tucked away? Ha ha, I just love the fact you live in a fucking statue... "

"We're going to a hotel."

"A hotel? I like the sound of that. The sooner I can get you out of that disgustingly crisp suit the better. I'll even let you keep the waistcoat. I like the waistcoat."

"You're drunker than I thought."

"Oh, come on. You know you want to. Jack won't mind, not really. He'll be thanking me. I can teach you things that prude hasn't even dreamed about. I bet you're flexible and... well, you're young. You'll heal."

...

...

"Do you realise everything he does with you I showed him first? He was mine before you ever laid... laid eyes on...hic... him. Mine."

...

...

"You're just a shag for when he's bored, you do know that don't you? The little secretary who doubles as the department whore. He should give you a pay rise. Or a badge. A nice shiny badge."

...

...

"You can keep pretending to ignore me, office boy, but you know the minute you go home he's looking elsewhere. Strangers in bars or just out on the street. Or maybe closer to home... those big doey eyes and that little gap tooth smile are really quite adorable, even if she is a bit chunky for my tastes... "

"Get out of the car."

"Finally a reaction! Round of applause, please, ladies and gentlemen. The truth hurts, kid. It hurts but it is powerful. Frees you."

"Really? Pity you only speak bullshit then. Now get out of the car. This is the hotel."

"I'm not going anywhere until you answer my goddamn question!"

"You didn't ask a question."

"Oh really? Huh. It's only completely fucking obvious, office boy. Don't play coy with me, it makes me angry. What have you got? What have you got that I haven't? Don't look away like that! Give me a damn answer!"

"I don't know."

"What? You 'don't know'? Bloody brilliant. So very believable too. I should have known. All men in suits are liars."

"I said don't know!"

...

...

"We used to be good together. He loved me once."

...

...

"I mean it. He really loved me."

"I... I know. But he's spent the last two centuries running away from the memories of the person he used to be. Which includes you."

"So I get eggs... oh, what's the fucking word... exxx... exiled? I get exiled from being around him because he's a coward?"

"He's not a – John, look at it like this. He's been through hell and back this year. He needs to recover. That's why you need to stay away. Do you understand that?"

...

...

"Yes."

"Good. So get out of the car, sleep off the booze and leave tomorrow morning."

"Fine. It's just..."

"What?"

"I don't have any money. Spent it all on drinks. Lotsa drinks. And strippers. And the Ferris Wheel was expensive."

"What were you – no. I don't want to know. I've got enough on me for a night's accommodation and a plane ticket to anywhere in Europe. Here."

"If I take this, does it technically make me a prostitute?"

"Would that make any difference?"

"Pretty, resilient and a sense of humour. That's definitely not... hic... fair."

"Goodbye."

"I'm going, I'm going. Thanks for the lift, Eyeca- Ianto. Ianto Jones."

"My pleasure, Vera."

"Ianto?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I've just woken up covered in bruises with a splitting headache and I can't find my pants... Did we just have a very good time last night or am I missing something?"

"Well Sir, I would say that you and Captain John Hart had a 'very good time' last night, but as I wasn't there except to clean up after you I cannot really comment."

...

...

"Stop joking. It isn't funny. Stop it now."

"Not a joke I'm afraid, Sir. If you are having trouble remembering I believe we caught most of it on CCTV..."

"R-Really?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Right. Um. I... ah. Excuse me a moment."

"Certainly, Sir."

...

...

"That was cruel, Ianto"

"Yes it was."

"We should have told him they only got drunk and roughed each other up a bit."

"I know."

"He's going to remember in a moment."

"I know."

...

...

"IANTO! GWEN!"

...

...

"That was definitely worth it."

"Yeah. Coffee, Gwen?"

"Yes, please."

***