Title: Only You and I
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, letter100
Prompt: 89, Secret Admirer
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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My beloved Doctor,

It feels good to be able to write you a letter that you know is coming from me. When I was first sending you those love notes and leaving them in the Tardis, I wanted so badly to step out of the shadows and tell you who was sending them.

But I knew that I couldn't. I had to let your "secret admirer" stay a secret, even though I was longing to tell you exactly how I felt. I wasn't sure of how you felt about me, and at the time, I was terrified of being rejected. I knew that I wouldn't be able to bear it.

Do you have any idea how much I wanted you then? You were in my thoughts every minute of every day. You were even in my dreams. Combined with the roses and the notes, that probably sounds as though I was being horribly obsessive.

All right, maybe I was. But I would never have let it get to the point where it would have frightened you. I'd already started to tell myself that I needed to back away from you that night that you discovered me leaving the flower and the note in the Tardis.

Why? Because I was afraid that I would never have the courage to tell you that your secret admirer was me. I thought that you couldn't accept me in that way.

Little did I know that you were just as attracted to me as I was to you. I honestly thought that you still wanted to be with Jack, and that he was why you were spending so much time on Earth. I had no idea that you were here because of me.

It came as such a shock to me when you told me that you felt the same as I did. I don't know if you were as completely overwhelmed by me as I was by you, but there are no words to describe the joy I felt when you actually said that you wanted to be with me.

And the first time we made love, here on the Tardis -- that was the most magical night of my entire life. It's something that I'll never forget; everything about that night will be engraved on my memory forever, as crystal-clear as though it only happened yesterday.

Being a secret admirer was strange; it was the first time I'd ever had to keep my feelings secret. With anyone else I'd ever dated, I had no problem with telling them exactly how I felt, and if they didn't feel the same and weren't interested, I got over it quickly enough.

With Jack, he was the one who made the first move on me. It shocked me; I'd never thought that I was the sort of person he'd be interested in at all. I suppose that, in a way, was what made me get involved with him -- I was more flattered by his attention than anything else.

That's not to say I didn't care about him -- of course I did. But my relationship with Jack was more of a learning experience than a relationship that would have matured and lasted.

I should thank him, really. It's because of being involved with him that I grew up a lot when I was with Torchwood; that was where I discovered who I really am, and what I want. If it hadn't been for having Jack in my life, I wouldn't have been prepared for you.

Without that relationship in my past, I probably wouldn't have realised that what I felt for you wasn't just a physical attraction that would wear off with time. I'd have put it down to overactive hormones, or some sort of infatuation that would burn out quickly.

But after knowing what it was like to be involved with a man, I couldn't write off my feelings for you so easily. In some ways, I have Jack to thank for how our relationship started; after all, if it hadn't been for him making me a member of Torchwood, I'd never even have met you.

I certainly wouldn't have been able to become your "secret admirer" so easily. Of course, that's due to the Tardis, as well. I didn't know it at the time, but it's surprising that she actually let me in and went along with me leaving the notes and flowers.

It seems that she knew all along what we would mean to each other, doesn't it? Though I have to admit that if she did, then she knew more than me at the time. I was under the impression that you probably wouldn't want to have me for an admirer.

Thankfully, I was wrong about that. And ever since that night you discovered that I was the person who had been sending you those notes and flowers, my life has changed in every way.

Yes, we've had our bumps along the road. But every relationship has to deal with that, and even though ours might not have run as smooth a course as some, I believe that the adversities we've faced have only brought the two of us closer together.

When you first discovered that I was your secret admirer, I was terrified that you might laugh, or turn me away. I didn't expect our relationship to turn into what it has, and at the time, I had no idea that I was the man destined to be your soul mate.

Now, I can't imagine things turning out any other way. I wouldn't want any life other than the one that I'm living -- and I can't even begin to fathom loving anyone but you. Not in this life, or in any other that I might somehow be granted.

I'm exactly where I want to be, and I'm with the only person I could ever want to be with. There are no doubts and no fears about our future, love. There's only you and I, moving ahead into our future, whatever it might hold for us.

Love always,

Ianto

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