Title: Retcon and Razorblades
Author: Captains Cariad
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: The title just popped into my head, so I had to write it.
Disclaimer: They're definitely not mine, but the boys like to play and so do I.
Summary: He had to make a decision, to choose how to proceed. Set after the events of "Cyberwoman".

***

Kneeling on the floor of Jack's office was not an unfamiliar occurrence for Ianto. From this angle, he knew every inch of the smooth polished walnut desk. As the whisky in his bloodstream started to calm his breathing, he stared intently at the tightly packed grain and allowed his vision to blur. He had to make a decision, to choose how to proceed. Blinking, he surveyed his choices. He didn't have much left, but he still had a choice - a tiny, modicum of control over his own fate. Jack had at least allowed him that.

One little white pill. Swallow it down and all this would be gone. Forgotten, as if it never happened. A new start or rather a new lie. Erasing the events from his memory did not erase them from time. Others had borne witness to what he'd done - they knew what he was. No, Retcon was not the answer.

Ianto's gaze shifted from the round, chalky tablet to the razorblade beside it. Catching what little light there was, it glinted seductively. A few quick cuts in the right places and this could all be over. Gone. Forever.

With his shirtsleeve rolled up to expose the pale, vulnerable flesh of his inner wrist, he caressed the purple-blue vein with his thumb. It would be so easy to end it all, to watch the blood flow, crimson, thick and satisfying onto the floor. Slipping into oblivion amid a pool of claret. After all, red was his colour. Yellow however; was not. He was many things, but he was not a coward.

Wincing, he took another gulp of whisky and closed his eyes savouring the burn.

"Have you made a decision?"

The question whispered silkily next to his ear as the glass was removed from his grasp and placed back on the desk.

Letting out a slow breath, he nodded, not yet trusting his own voice and opened his eyes. Before him two hands, palm upwards - on one a Retcon pill, on the other a razorblade. With a small gesture, he dismissed the Retcon and focussed on the other hand. His fingers hovered momentarily above the sharp metal, which left a glistening droplet of blood in its wake as he picked it up.

"Your hand..."

"Will heal." Jack smiled softly.

Placing the blade carefully on the desk, Ianto flicked his gaze back to meet cool, blue eyes watching him. Without breaking eye contact, he closed the last of the gap that remained between them until their lips met in a tender kiss and sank into the comforting embrace of his Captain.

"Help me feel alive again."

***