Title: The Slapdown, when it finally comes
By: lower-case-me
Pairing: gen
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Gwen, Ianto, Tosh, some Owen
Summary: In Jack's absence, Ianto and Tosh get a little revenge on Owen.

***

A coffee materialised on Gwen's desk, with a crisp white hanky folded beside it. She sniffed and took the hanky, blew her nose noisily, and gave a watery smile of thanks. Ianto nodded, mixing kindness and professionalism so neatly you couldn't see the join.
'Owen's taken that pheromone spray and gone out on the pull' she blurted. It was better than crying quietly at her desk. Anything was better than that.

Ianto froze. Then he exploded into action, lunging for the nearest computer terminal and activating his headset at the same time.
'Tosh, we have a code magenta. I repeat, code magenta!'

10 seconds later, when Tosh burst through the lab doors at a full run, Gwen's jaw was still dropped.
'How long ago?' Tosh demanded.
'External CCTV says 8 minutes 14 seconds. Subject is on foot, heading north along Bute Street.'
Ianto said. Tosh typed furiously.
'Got him. Yes! He's level with the station, still walking.'

Gwen closed her mouth and moved so she could see Tosh's monitor. Whatever was going on- and it could be a weevil attack or a mass alien invasion- was important. She could deal with her feelings about Owen and Rhys later, or try to.

But there Owen was, on Tosh's screen. Scowling like the miserable bastard that he was more so now than ever. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Gwen knew that Ianto bore the brunt of Owen's cruelty, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt her too. Especially now, with Jack gone and such a hole in her life.

And Ianto's, of course, she reminded herself with a touch of guilt.

He'd disappeared again, but as Gwen was looking around the hub space for him, he re-appeared from the kitchen, with a giant bowl of popcorn. It smelt of hot butter.
'I had a feeling about today.' Ianto smiled and set the popcorn down on Owen's desk. Then, he set about doing something with the large display screen they used for detailed surveillance. Gwen opened her mouth and shut it again.
'Ready?' Tosh asked, without turning around. Torchwood machinery was swinging into action with ruthless focus and efficiency.
'Should be. Yes, there we go.'

Ianto sat down on the ratty old couch, and Tosh grabbed her wireless keyboard and joined him. Curiosity pulled Gwen over to see what was on the screen- still Owen.
'Popcorn, Gwen?'

She stared at Ianto and Tosh. Both of them were chewing, and both looked completely relaxed all of a sudden. Cheery, even.
'I... What?'
'Sit down, if you like' Ianto said, shifting closer to Tosh to make room. Tosh giggled, and switched CCTV cameras to keep Owen in range.
'What's going on here? Ianto?'

'Ah. I suppose an explanation is in order' Ianto said mildly. 'We feel that using alien sex pheromones to pull is ethically questionable-'
'And disgusting, and pathetic. And, frankly, rape' Tosh added.
'So we drained the pheromones out of the bottle and replaced it with Passion for Men.'
'But why're you... All this.' Gwen gestured to the screen and the snacks.
'I don't know about you' Tosh said, giving her a meaningful look. Gwen couldn't quite maintain the eye contact. 'But I feel like seeing Owen get shot down in flames.'

'I...' Gwen realised she was gaping again, but she'd stopped crying. She shut her mouth, sat down, and took a handful of popcorn. It was surprisingly good.

They watched Owen pass the Hayes, weaving his way through the early evening crowd. Tosh's illicit CCTV hijack tracked him into a fashionable, expensive bar on Greyfriars Street.

There was a screech, and the pteradactyl swooped low over their heads.
'Myffie, come here! I'll feed you in a minute' Ianto called. 'I don't want to miss the big moment' he said more conversationally. Tosh bit her lip in concentration and adjusted the camera angle to get the best view of Owen's barstool. It was only 9 o'clock, and the crowd at the bar was still thin enough to allow them a clear shot.
'Awwwwaaark!'
'Myffie!'

The dinosaur circled again and came to a clumsy halt on the floor. Ianto hummed and whistled, and to Gwen's shock, she waddled over to them.
'Aaarrrk?'
'Be Patient, Myfanwy, and you may have some popcorn' he said sternly.

Gwen's skin tried to crawl backwards through the couch. Myfanwy- a lizard with a 2 foot beak and inch-long claws- shuffled closer. Ianto fed her a piece of popcorn. She at it like a pelican eating a fish, tipping her beak back and gulping it down her long, long fleshy throat.
'Mmmmurp.' Gently, Ianto encouraged her to sit down and stop blocking the view. To Gwen's horror, she rested her head on his lap like a big friendly dog and allowed the ugly lump behind her head to be scratched and petted.
'Arruum hmm.'
'Good girl' Tosh said, offering the enormous beak another piece of popcorn. 'I've got a fiver that says Owen goes for the blond.'
'You are recording this, right? As the archivist, I have to ask, you understand.' Ianto smiled.
'Of course. For posterity.' Tosh grinned back.
'For posterity, certainly' Ianto agreed. 'And also because the chief medical officer at UNIT's UK office is a personal friend of mine, she, ah, has had some contact with Owen, and her birthday is coming up.'

They giggled. Gwen tried not to breathe too much in case the pterodactyl noticed her. On the big screen, Owen got up and made his move on the blond. Gwen felt a stab of misery and jealousy. Owen and Tosh leaned forward in anticipation. There was no audio, but they saw him discreetly spray the side of his neck from a tiny silver bottle, and whatever he said to her, it didn't look like he was trying very hard. In fact, it looked like he was being his usual obnoxious self.

The busty blond didn't look very happy either. She slapped him across the face. Owen staggered in surprise. His face was a picture of shock and open-mouthed disbelief.
'YES!' Ianto and Tosh yelled simultaneously. They high-fived, dislodging Myfanway, who made a disapproving noise and then took advantage of Ianto's distraction to steal the last of the popcorn.

***