Title: And One That Never Came True
By: mickeylover303
Pairing: Tosh/Various - het and f/f
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1794
Summary: Tosh never wished for a happy ending.

***

 

Tosh would never forget the moment Kei Sakamoto pressed his dry lips against hers, brushing off the strawberry flavoured lip balm he’d given her earlier as present for their one week anniversary.
 
He was the first boyfriend she had. And at sixteen, Tosh could admit she didn’t know the difference between love and lust; unaware of that ambiguous boundary that she doubted she really crossed. It was a feeling so indistinct in her mind; something to which she could apply no rationale and therefore something she stumbled upon blindly.
 
Because Kei’s lips were still connected with hers when he pushed her against the soft comforter of the bed; one hand reaching under her knee as he positioned himself in between her legs. She moaned when he leaned against her; short fingernails digging into his back as she jerked.  Closing her eyes, she tried to focus on the soft voice in her ear, Kei whispering a string of promises and reassurances to her that only served to be a precedent of something that would become tired and commonplace in life.
 
No, Tosh would never forget her first kiss.
 
Because she would always remember when they broke up the next day; when Kei asked her to return the lip balm that belonged to his older sister.
 
**
 
The moment Jack pressed his lips against hers in that small café, Tosh immediately thought of the first time she met him.
 
He had this air about him, a kind of poise that Tosh could only long for. He was certain when he came to her; already assured she would be willing to work for him. And while she would have liked to place the source of his confidence in her situation, she couldn’t honestly say that she complied simply because he was a means of escape.
 
Because in truth, it was his smile that attracted her; the beginnings of another worn-out promise Tosh couldn’t shy away from. His smile was infectious and something she’d never seen before. It was refreshingly warm, full of an emotion that she couldn’t quite place and perhaps one she didn’t want to in fear of belittling it.
 
Even now, the feeling of Jack’s lips against hers still lingered; his smile making an impression that burned into her soul. It caught her by surprise, but she found her arms carefully moving to wrap around him, seemingly acting on their own accord as her fingers tightly gripped the fabric of his greatcoat.
 
And Tosh closed her eyes, relishing in the feeling of being held, holding someone – the moment fleeting and becoming no more than a vague recollection in her mind when Jack pulled away. He smiled again, now simply standing beside her, but it did nothing to alleviate the tremors she felt passing through her. She saw the gleam in his eyes, the once romantic promise becoming a sort of final warning before Jack turned to walk out of the café.
 
But Tosh followed him without a second thought, picking up the metal attaché case that trailed silently behind her.
 
**
 
It was just the four of them back then, and Tosh was still trying to find her place among a group of people she was almost afraid to relate to; a group of people who were frighteningly similar to her.
 
But maybe it was simply because of her status as the new member of the team that made Tosh feel such a sense of isolation even in a place like Torchwood. Two months later and she still wasn’t sure what to make of her colleagues.   And even during times like these, the nights spent in a pub to drink away horrors of the day, Tosh had yet to find where she fit.
 
She could hear Jack laughing from the other side of the pub, the jovial sound replacing the anger and frustration from earlier. She could see Suzie briefly glance at her as she ordered another drink, wearing a slight smile that had nearly been a permanent frown not too long ago.  And she could feel Owen’s breath on her cheek, the blood on his face and hands from the little girl they weren’t able to save now washed away.
 
But Tosh was drunk enough that it really didn’t matter, her own thoughts of the day’s events becoming blurry and mingled with the overbearing stench of alcohol assaulting her nostrils.
 
And she was drunk enough that she didn’t mind when Owen continued to lean heavily against her, his weight almost causing her to topple from the stool.
 
“You’re a pretty bird, you know that?” he managed to slur, his arm moving to wrap around her waist as he pulled her closer, preventing her from falling. He nuzzled his chin in the crook of her neck, face pressing into a sensitive area of her skin that made her unconsciously relax.
 
It was in that one moment that Tosh could forget about everything, think about nothing, and simply savour in a rare occasion that left no consequences. Because by the time they’d go to work the next day, Owen would have either forgotten or chosen not to remember the encounter.
 
And Tosh had already convinced herself that it was the former rather than the latter.
 
**
 
Perhaps it was because he was the newest member, but Tosh couldn’t help but feel odd when Ianto set a small plate of a familiar confectionary down alongside her usual coffee.
 
She straightened her glasses, looking from the computer screen to the young man next to her, noticing he didn’t appear to have any for Owen, who was also in the room. Blinking warily, Tosh looked at Ianto, briefly wondering if he knew that today was her birthday. Not that it was any kind of momentous occasion, but if anyone else bothered to note the calendar, they didn’t say anything.
 
Ianto only smiled at her, a more subdued, almost shy version of the smiles she’d gotten used to receiving from Jack and the more subtle and cocky ones she’d receive from Suzie and Owen.
 
He had yet to say anything as he placed a coffee mug from the tray he held next to the small plate. His lips almost brushed against her skin as he leaned down, warm breath ghosting across her cheek in a manner that was still too far away to constitute as a kiss.
 
She found herself pausing momentarily, turning around in her chair as Ianto backed away; the smile still present upon his face as if nothing had happened.
 
“I thought you’d perhaps like to try something different today,” he finally said, gesturing to the small plate he set before her.
 
She glanced at the plate curiously, resisting the urge to ask how Ianto knew she still had a penchant for sweets like mochi. But only because it was something she thought she’d done well to keep to herself.  The ones Ianto had given her were pink and white. And they reminded her of the sweet-filled cakes her mother would make her when she was in primary school; the shapes her mother tried to mould awkwardly comforting when she would sit alone during lunch.
 
Tosh lifted her head, relaying her gratitude in a soft voice.
 
Ianto’s smile became somewhat disheartened before he turned away from her; tray in hand as he made his way to Owen, who had apparently missed the scene between them.
 
Gaze back on the computer, Tosh picked up one of the sweet cakes. She felt painfully nostalgic when the strawberry filling hit her tongue. She chewed quietly, slowly, her mind briefly wandering as she reached for the mug beside the plate, the liquid contents dark and almost black.
 
She put the mug to her mouth with her head tilted back slightly, enjoying the slight bitterness as the coffee made its way down her throat.
 
**
 
The first time Tosh had met Gwen, she was ashamed to admit that she’d felt threatened by other woman. It didn’t matter that Gwen was simply someone in passing; what Tosh then thought as another person who’d eventually disregard the existence of Torchwood as either or a hindrance or an annoyance.
 
However, Tosh didn’t count on Jack and his ability to attract people, reel them in until they no longer had the opportunity to break free. And just like her, like so many others, Tosh had seen that Gwen was already being swayed by that allure; the familiar gleam returning to Jack’s eyes.
 
But Tosh didn’t dislike Gwen, didn’t harbour any ill feeling for her because of what she felt. And she didn’t mind when even Owen seemed to warm up to her; whereas for Tosh, it had taken months to merely have a semblance of the kind of camaraderie and easiness the rest of team displayed towards Gwen.
 
It wasn’t until the day before Suzie died, did Tosh realise why Gwen made her feel so susceptible and almost vulnerable. It was then that Suzie pulled Tosh aside, fingers firmly wrapping around Tosh’s arm. Their conversation was short, to the point, and ended with Tosh inadvertently disclosing her fears to a Suzie who was being uncharacteristically reassuring; the other woman holding her with gaze of startling intensity that Tosh wouldn’t understand until later.
 
But now Suzie was dead, and Gwen had already taken her place.
 
And even though she and Suzie were never particularly close, Tosh wouldn’t deny that Suzie’s death left a void in her. The other woman’s last words were another meaningless and empty promise that initiated a kind of burgeoning anger. It created a silent rage that forced Tosh to realise that her feelings towards Gwen had very little to do with who Gwen was and more to do with who Tosh wasn’t.
 
But when she tried to assess her feelings as she pressed her lips to Gwen’s, Tosh finally concluded that maybe threatened wasn’t the right word. And she found it increasingly hard to feel so as she pushed the other woman into the wall, imagining the scrape of skin against the brick surface. She pulled her mouth away from Gwen’s, panting harshly and staring into closed eyes as Gwen wrapped an arm around her waist.
 
Tosh lifted her head, gently running her hand through the bangs obscuring Gwen’s face. She felt Gwen slightly rocking against her, eventually stilling as she tightened her hold around Tosh. The other woman laughed softly, the sound barely perceptible, and Tosh wondered if she even heard the laughter at all. And when Gwen opened her eyes, she only smiled faintly at Tosh, shaking her head in a gesture of reassurance that Tosh had no choice but to hold on to.
 
But Tosh still wasn’t able to suppress the shudder when she saw her reflection in Gwen's eyes.