Title: Want You To Want Me
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Owen Harper
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG
Table: 30_forbidden
Prompt: 28, Want
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Owen Harper, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor looked down at his hands, clasped in his lap. They were trembling. He had to clench them into fists to stop their shaking, and he looked up furtively, hoping that no one had noticed.

Why was he bothering to hide it? It wasn't as though anyone here in the park, people who just happened to be passing by, would know him or care that he seemed a bit shaky. They probably wouldn't even notice, or give him more than a cursory passing glance.

It was odd that he should be shaking like this. It wasn't from fear, or trepidation, or anything of the sort. No, the shakiness was brought on by his thoughts, and those thoughts weren't exactly of a nature to inspire an emotion like fear.

He was shaking because he wanted something so badly that his desire was manifesting itself in a physical way. He was actually a little shocked at himself for feeling this way; as far as he could remember, he'd never been subject to something like this before.

Was he somehow becoming more human after all the time he'd spent on Earth, amongst human beings, getting to know them and become friendly with more of them than he ever had before? Could that be why he was behaving like them?

Ordinarily, he would have shuddered at the thought. But lately, it didn't seem so bad. He didn't want to become human, of course, but being like them in some ways wouldn't be horrible.

He'd always been able to push his desires aside, to pretend that they didn't exist. And he'd been fairly good at doing it this time. That is, he had been until he'd come to Earth again -- and come face to face with the object of that desire.

When he was standing there looking at the man, talking to him, spending a few hours around him, it wasn't so easy to sublimate the desire that was always churning inside him. In fact, it had been damn near impossible.

He'd wanted to talk to Owen privately, to spill out to the young everything that he felt, but he didn't have the courage to do it. Odd, wasn't it? He'd done so many things that most people would think took much more courage than simply confessing to emotions.

But emotions were something he didn't like to give himself the luxury of having. Letting them out always resulted in pain that he didn't want to deal with.

He sighed, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, propping his chin in his hands. He was looking out at the small lake in the middle of the park, but not really seeing it. He could have been looking at featureless plains, for all he cared.

His emotions had never really been allowed free rein. Even when he'd loved, he'd always kept that emotion tightly contained; and he hadn't loved for a long, long time. Oh, he'd cared about people, certainly; but not like this, not with an all-consuming passion.

Maybe that was all it was, really. Just passion, not love. A physical desire that would fade away when he wasn't with Owen, or that would quickly die once he got to know the other man better. Maybe his feelings didn't really exist outside of his own mind.

The Doctor shook his head, frowning. No. That wasn't true. If his feelings weren't real, then they'd have already faded. He'd spent some time with Owen at Torchwood, enough to be more and more attracted by the young man. This wasn't a fly-by-night infatuation.

Talking to Owen had only made his desire grow more strong -- and made him want to be around the young man on a constant basis. His feelings hadn't faded.

He'd been so sure that they would; he'd been surprised when he'd realized that he wanted Owen more than ever after the past few days spent almost entirely at Torchwood. That was why he'd decided to come to the park, to get away from the team for a while.

He didn't have to stay here on Earth and torture himself with wanting someone he couldn't have. It would be the easiest thing in the world to walk into the Tardis and go. Anywhere, it didn't matter. Somewhere that wasn't around Owen.

But he couldn't make himself do it. He'd told himself a dozen times that he would leave, that he and Owen weren't suited to be anything more than friends, that the youung man couldn't possibly care for him. That it was useless to think about a relationship.

Still .... there was that spark of hope within him that refused to die. The feeling that if he and Owen spent more time around each other, that something would flare into life between them, something that neither of them would be able to deny.

The Doctor almost snorted aloud at the thought. What was he thinking? He was starting to sound like one of those horrible romance novels.

He could leave. He probably should leave. He wasn't going to accomplish anything here, not unless he could confess to Owen how he felt. And he wasn't ready for that; he wasn't ready to face the pain he would feel if Owen pushed him away.

Besides, what good would going away do? He would only be turning his back, running from something that he should have the courage to face up to. It wasn't as though he hadn't been hurt before, after all. He'd survived then; he would survive now.

He'd never thought of himself as a coward, and he wasn't going to start now. But opening himself up emotionally was much harder than facing a Dalek, or putting his life at risk to save a world. Where his emotions were concerned, he was much more fragile than he cared to admit.

And he wasn't doing himself any good by sitting here carrying on an inner debate. He had to come to a decision, and follow through.

Just do it. Those were the words of a popular television commercial. The Doctor smiled to himself, shaking his head. It was almost funny how he could say those words to himself so many times, but shrink away from the prospect of actually taking action.

He wasn't an indecisive man. Well, not when it came to the big decisions, anyway. When it came to himself, his feeings, he held back, hid as much as he could. It was time to stop doing that, time to go after what he wanted.

The Doctor took a deep breath, standing up and smoothing the wrinkles in his jacket. He'd take the advice of that telly commercial and "just do it." Maybe. He'd go back to Torchwood, try to find a bit of time alone with Owen, and ask him if they could talk.

If he didn't get these feelings out, they would only fester and grow deeper. And he would get further and further away from being able to confess them, and make himself miserable in the process. Not a happy way to live.

Yes, he would be hurt if Owen rejected him. But he would get over it -- eventually. And there was always that tiny spark of hope that Owen just might feel the same. He couldn't quite give up on that hope, not yet, not before he knew.

He wanted Owen to want him -- more than he'd ever wanted anything, he was sure. But if that didn't happen, he would get past it. He'd done it in the past, and he would do it again, even thiough it might not be easy.

What would he do if Owen didn't feel the same? He'd hurt for a while; he'd go to distant planets, other times, and immerse himself in whatever he could find that kept him away from Earth for a while. Nothing that he hadn't done before.

For just a moment, he wavered. Not today. Tomorrow. Or the next day. Or some indefinable day after that. He wasn't ready. This wasn't the time. Not now.

No, he couldn't let himself back away. He'd done that so often, for fear of what could happen. It was past time for him to let Owen know how he felt, and to deal with whatever the other man's reaction might be.

Well, he'd never find out what could happen if he didn't try. It was unnerving, but it had to be done. And he could very well come out on the winning side in the end. There was nothing for it but to put his emotions out there, and hope that they would be returned.

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath and then opening them again. The sun was shining, and the people in the park all seemed to look happy. Maybe, just maybe, he would be lucky enough to grab a bit of that sort of happiness for himself.

Surreptitiously crossing his fingers, he headed in the direction of the Hub with hope in his hearts.

***