Title: Oblivion
By: marvola
Pairing: pre-slash Jack/Ianto & past Ianto/Lisa
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Series: 1) Betrayal
Author's Notes: An idea that just wouldn't leave me alone. What happened after the cleanup after Cyberwoman.
Summary: A post Cyberwoman fic. Ianto's perspective.

***

They work side by side in silence. Ianto's penance for bringing this down on the Hub. Towards the end, Jack slips off silently and returns with five cups of coffee. He hands one to each of the team members, saving Ianto's until last. Ianto takes the coffee and becomes aware that the team are looking at him. With a look of dawning realisation on his face, he brings the cup to his mouth and pours the coffee down his throat. It's blistering hot and burns his throat as he drinks it.

'Retcon' he thinks. 'Of course.' In a way, he welcomes it. He knows that the exhaustion he feels at the moment prevents him from feeling the brunt of his pain but he dreads a time when the exhaustion is gone and the pain will be all that remains. Not that he doesn't deserve it. What had Jack said? 'You brought this down on us' and he was right. He had. This was all his fault. Annie. Dr. Tanisaki. They were dead now and it was all his fault. And Lisa. His beautiful Lisa. What a horrific way for her to die. She died with no dignity, as a monster. That was his fault too. Everything was.

So yes, he welcomed the Retcon. Oh, he's sure that one day he'll wake up and remember what had happened here. But a few days or weeks or months of blissful oblivion will be his first. The crushing sense of guilt will be eased for a while. He does feel guilty though that he won't be able to remember Lisa. Won't give her the dignity she deserves by remembering her. A part of him reasons that this doesn't matter any more. He's tired. So unbelievably tired. He just wants to forget. Just for a while. He can feel the sympathy radiating off the team, but he doesn't deserve their sympathy. They nearly died because of him. Everyone did. The world nearly died. He's glad he won't remember. Glad he'll be able to forget that he nearly destroyed the world.

As he leaves the Hub, he takes a moment to look at each of their faces. Gwen, the newest member of the team. She's brave, he can see that. And kind. Almost too kind at first but he can see her slowly changing. She still cares about people, but Torchwood is already having an effect on her. She's slowly losing her innocence, her naivety. He knows Jack has told her to keep hold of her life. He knows that's why Jack hired her. But he fears that Torchwood will prove to be too much for her.

Owen. Despite their differences, he's going to miss Owen. Or he knows he would if he'd remember him. He can see the fear that lies under the surface, under the mask that the doctor puts on. He knows that he's vulnerable inside. And he knows that despite everything, Owen cares. Almost too much.

Tosh. Next to him, probably the most overlooked member of the group. He can sense the loneliness there. He's wanted to reach out so many times but to do so would have involved him sharing too much of himself. And he couldn't do that. For once his mask began to slip, that would have been it.

And finally Jack. The conflicting emotions that surge through him as he looks at Jack scare Ianto. Rage. Respect. Fear. Gratitude. Desire. Shame. Remorse. Guilt. Too many emotions. Why did Jack save his life earlier only to take it from him now. Because his memories are all that remain of his life. But that's ok. His memories are too painful. He wants to forget. He looks forward to oblivion.

As he turns to leave, Jack presses an envelope into his hand. He looks to be on the verge of saying something but bites his lip at the last second and turns away. Ianto tucks the envelope into the pocket of his ruined suit before taking one last look at the Hub. He's sorrier than he thought to be leaving this place. He'd grown more attached to it than he'd expected.

He makes his way slowly home, working on auto pilot, placing one foot in front of the other. He wants nothing more than to fall asleep when he gets back to his flat but he forces himself to take a shower first. The pain feels like a knife twisting in his heart as he washes the last traces of Lisa out of his hair. He bins the suit, but not before taking out the envelope that Jack gave him and placing it on the table beside his bed. He's not sure what it contains, probably instructions to do with his new life or identity, but he can't work up the energy to care. At long last he falls on the bed and enters a dreamless sleep. The sleep of the dead. He's too tired to even dream.

*****

The next morning he wakes up and for a moment everything is perfect. Then he remembers. The shouts. The screams. The pain. The deaths. The blood. Blood everywhere.

Confusion hits him. Had the Retcon not worked? He spies the envelope given to him by Jack and rips it open. The letter inside contains a single sentence in Jack's sprawling handwriting.

Come back to work when you're ready.

And finally, he understands. He's been given a second chance. He crumples to the ground as sobs shake through him. But this time, he's not crying for Lisa. These tears are for him. Because he's been forgiven.

***