Title: Yes, I do have issues
By: -Ivy-Parker-
Pairing: gen
Rating: PG-13
Warning: WiP
Disclaimer: I only own the Rimaltines and Dogman.
Summary: Yes. So this is me, Captain John Hart. And I have plans, big plans for Torchwood... Well, I don't, but you get the picture.

***

"Does it hurt?" I laughed as I twisted the mans thumbs around.

"I- um…" The man stuttered.

I rolled my eyes, twisting harder "You know, the easiest thing to do, is just tell me, I won't mind!"

"But-"

"I think we know how this is going to end anyway, don't you?" The man blinked at me.

Dope.

He still didn't answer, I rolled my eyes, it was getting tedious. Just slightly.

"Okay, so, here is the deal" I said slowly, just so he could understand (I had a feeling it may be the accent) "You" I pointed to him "Are in excruciating pain. I" I pointed to myself "Am going to keep on twisting those lovely purple thumbs of yours right round…." He whimpered, "Until they fall off"

"I-"

His thumbs were already starting to crack, why was this so hard for him?

"Just. Tell. Me. Where. I. Can. Get. What. I. Want" Duh.

"Fine!" He snapped suddenly "I'll tell you"

"No need to get touchy now!" I smiled, letting go off his thumbs, and grabbing his neck instead (when I say neck, he was a bit overweight, so there wasn't really much of a neck to grab) "WHERE. IS. IT?"

"Earth!" He yelled "For Dogmans sake! Earth!"

Crud.

A bell started ringing somewhere, the bloody idiot had gotten too smart, and found out that there was a fire alarm next to him. So much for Rimaltines having a low IQ.

"Not good" I muttered "Really not good… Why the fuck are you smiling?"

I pulled out my gun, and with a bang, he was gone.

"Well lads" I said, as a bunch of soldiers came towards me, each clutching bigger guns than me (at least mine lasts longer) "This has been… Enjoyable, but… Alas, you must see me go"

So, I did the simple thing. Ran.

It's what everyone/thing has to do at some point, can't really control that, unless you're Jabba the hut or whatever out of star wars. He just sort of sits there.

"Oi! Stop!"

Oh, yeah, you know. Because I'm really gonna stop because an old dude tells me too, bang there he goes again.

"HE JUST KILLED THE KING, SOMEONE STOP HIM!"

Bad idea that, well done John, a real round of applause to John Hart, smart arse of the galaxy. Still, he should have had some sort of warning sign over his head, a neon light that said "Don't kill me, I'm king!"

"HE EVEN BROKE THE SIGN THAT TOLD US NOT TO KILL HIM BECAUSE HE'S KING!" Someone screamed.

Note to self: Get eyes tested.

"GET AFTER HIM! VILLAGERS UNITE!"

Aaw... crap, when they say 'villagers' they mean a 'village' with a population of 3.6 million, they're at it like rabbits! (I'm not ashamed to admit that that was the initial reason of me coming to this planet.)

"Look, look!" I turned around, holding my hands in the, in defeat.

"HE'S GOING TO KILL US!"

Oh, yeah, I forgot that in this planet, holding your hands in the air means 'I'm going to kill you all, so I suggest you run' which normally, I wouldn't have minded doing, but they all have very good weapons aiming at me right this second.

"YOU HAVE GOT TEN SECONDS TO SURRENDER, PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN, AND WE WILL NOT SHOOT!" A voice came from nowhere.

Umm… Shit.

"Okay!" I put my arms down "But… LOOK! WHAT'S THAT?" I waved my arms, pointing into the sky "IT'S A PLANE!" Everyone turned around, desperately looking for this plane. Imbeciles.

"BYE!"

I love the time vortex, it's got that wooshy feeling, something you can't really describe, unfortunate thing is, I still get travel sickness from it, and I forgot my bucket.

So, let me explain. Because that's what you do in this kind of thing, explain, just so that I know what's going on here, and what I plan to do.

I am Captain John Hart, I used to work for the time agency, cheating my way up the ranks (I slept with my bosses- man, woman or alien) until it closed down, I then found out about a jewel, and attempted to trick several people into doing my leg work- I was feeling lazy. I got caught and was forced to go somewhere else. I went on a lovely holiday to the planet Barcelona. I got a toy dog, which has no nose.

Whilst I was on Earth, I discovered a man who cannot die. His name is Captain Jack Harkness. My ex boyfriend/wife. Great arse.

Only then, I had a few... Difficulties with his brother. He kind of went mad. But i'll explain that later.

Eventually, after what seemed to be several solar systems going by (to tell the truth, it was) I got there, ready to throw up in the next public toilet because I hadn't got my bucket, and I'd left my travel sickness pill behind.

Fucking toilet was locked.

***

Right, so here I was. Well, I think I was in Cardiff. I had just thrown up almost all of my insides in what I think was a bin (it didn't look like the ones on other planets) and I am now thinking of my plan.

So, this is I, trying to remember Gray's plan.

And failing.

I figure, if I make something really big happen, I could get their attention, like a spoiled brat desperate for more toys or something. Or I could just break in to Torchwood and kill whatever is in sight.

I mean, as long as I do the general outline of the job, Gray won't exactly notice

Do people always need a sidekick at these times? I dunno, I suppose it would be fun to have one, like Batman and Robin. I remember Jack used to fancy the pants off those guys. Loser, I prefer Johnny Depp. Hot.

After that short lapse, I decided to do something, no idea what, I need one of those spur of the moment things.

"Oy! FUCKER!" I screamed at a random guy, rather stupidly, he turned out to have huge muscles, and several knives.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" He yelled back.

Did I mention the fact that he had a gang of about fifty other people?

"Yeah, what did you just say?" Another came up to me.

"Err… I said, and I quote: 'Oy! FUCKER!'" The guy came up to me.

This is it. I will die.

Any second now.

He grabbed me.

"Now, now, I don't think there's any need for this, do you?" A voice came up behind the macho dude.

This would be perfection itself, if the guy wasn't grabbing onto me, lifting me up, and breathing into my face.

He really needed to brush his teeth.

"Could we stop?" The man came over. Captain Jack Harkness.

Now what are the chances of that happening?

Fortunately, he didn't notice who I was, I'm betting if he did, Jack would let this guy tear me up.

"Okay, so you have ten seconds to put this guy down." Jack said. The rest of his guys came over.

Alas, Eye-Candy.

Vera Lady... Who is slightly mental.

Brain-Box-Nerd-Girl.

Medicine man!

All of whom I would like to kill.

"Problem, Jack?" One of them said.

"For fucks sake!" I wriggled about.

"Look, just drop him, and I'll buy you drink, yeah?" Jack said, doing that stupid smile.

Slut.

Eventually, the idiot put me down. I groaned as I hit the floor. Hard.

"You okay?" Medicine man held out his hand.

I would take it, but I couldn't let them know who I was.

"No. Sod off" I muttered.

"Alright mate, no need to be so harsh" He frowned down at me.

Piss off already.

"Come on guys, let's go," Jack said to the others. I listened as they all walked off.

And so this is where my plan begins.

Like I said (or may not, as my memory isn't at it's best at the moment) Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success…

…That so did not work.

***

This is me (duh) Captain John Hart. Stalking Torchwood.

That must have sounded really weird, but last time they only showed me the 'visitors entrance' (a fancy word for saying, 'just one look, then fuck off') and I needed to know the real entrance, I didn't fancy smashing up the ground, and then leaping down the hole, to my death. Not my cup of tea, thank-you very much!

Where's the music? There should be some James Bond style stuff coming up!

I started humming it under my breath.

You know, I think that might be what caught their attention.

"What's that?" One of them said.

Please say it's just him going mad, please say it's just him going mad, please say it's just him going mad, please say it's just him going mad, please say it's just him going mad.

"It's just your brain going all strange Owen," A girls voice laughed.

I have just fallen in love with you.

"Guys, come on, let's get to the SUV, okay?" Jack said loudly.

What? Did he expect me to sprint after them? Do I look like some kind of racing dog?

"IDIOTS!" I screamed, my temper getting the better of me.

They all spun around. Shit!

Mind you, what the fuck was I expecting?

Allsorts, come to think of it.

Vera-lady to come and head-butt me or something.

Medicine man to inject something vile into me again. (Acid?)

Jack to tear me apart (maybe not for calling him an idiot, more for the fact I was there)

Eye candy to pour coffee over me (thinking this may be out of jealousy)

And the nerd-computer-I-learnt-to-hack-when-I-was-1.6736825-years-of-age-girl to… I dunno, throw a memory stick at me?

"What did you just say to me?" Medicine dude stormed over, I hid my face.

"It was to all of you, rather than just you," I muttered.

Oh, yeah, because that will get them to leave you alone.

"All of us?"

Aaw crap, they all came over.

I should be running.

Why am I not running?

"I'm running!" I blurted out.

John, there's a difference between saying you're doing it and actually doing it. I think we all learnt that from helping out Gray.

"What?"

"In fact, I'm sprinting"

"Leave it, I bet he's high" Vera girl muttered.

I rolled my eyes, they couldn't see this. I was hiding in the shadows.

"Yup!" I shrieked "AS THE SKY"

They wanted me to be high; I shall pretend to be high.

"C'mon, let's just…go" They all edged away from me.

"Hey! This is designer deodorant!" I snapped.

I don't smell, right?

Three days later.

So I lost them. I admit it. I fucked up. Gray will kill me.

And now I need to un-fuck (never thought I'd be thinking that)

I'm sitting in a club, drinking enough to fill a pool, and am surrounded by about 30 girls. And men.

I admit I am unsure which to pick.

God, how I want that poodle.

And I have a new plan!

Joy to the world! Let us dance to Joy Division!

I figure, if I get one of them drunk. They will... Get Jack for me!

Magnificent.

I'm fantastic, aren't I?

I hope this doesn't seem to arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world.

No. Universe, galaxy, everything!

In fact in my opinion, when I say great, that is just me being modest.

"Funny isn't it?" One of the girls next to me slurred, "That those wrinkles of yours make you seem so… so…"

THEY'RE LAUGHER LINES, DAMMIT.

"So, what?" I snapped.

"What's the word?" She said to her friend, who thought about it.

"Fickle"

Where the fuck did that come from?

"Yeah well…" It was time to be childish "If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M."

HOW'S THAT?

They both blinked at me, and walked off.

They walked off.

I pulled out my gun, and with a bang, they were gone.

I blinked down at them, poor sods. There is no vaccine against stupidity.

***

Dum, de dum…

Thinking of Torchwood.

Ways to kill 'em.

I could just stab them all…. Nah, slow and painful, but the enjoyment would be over to quickly.

Poison? Already done that, it gets dull after a while.

I brain freeze them with ice cream! Nope, I think they'd suspect something if I start being nice to them and handing triple chocolate ice cream around.

I paper cut them so much… that they bleed to death!

Got it! I might learn how to use the boomerang, and then throw a chainsaw at them! Beautiful. Truly beautiful.

I'm in what humans call a hotel. It's grubby, smells funny, and I have a small idea that some of the women in the hotel fancy me.

Not that I'm complaining.

My plan is to break into Torchwood... and kill all!

It's short. But simple.

I left the hotel and walked off to that strange tower… thing.

And stepped on the tile.

Which did not move.

Why isn't it moving?

"Fuck" I muttered. This is me, getting slightly pissed off.

But! Thank god for… The wrist strap! I know! Oh yeah!

Well, in a way I hate the thing, because it makes me into a bomb... But apart from THAT.

I pushed a few buttons, and smiled as the floor started to move.

"OH YEEAAAH! TAKE THAT, YOU WHORES! OH YEAH, UH HUH, WHO'S THE BEST? WHO? WHO? UH-UH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, I'M GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! OH YEEEAAAH!"

"Jack, did you hear something?" A girl's voice said.

Oh, forgot about that.

Shit.

"I dunno" Jack replied "Tosh? Have a snoop, yeah?"

'Snoop' as in Snoop Dog? Or 'Snoop' as in 'we're gonna be nosy'?

I have a ton of stuff to learn about being on Earth.

Like learning to stay quiet.

"Hi guys!" I said happily.

"What?" One with a London accent said, "Who said that?"

I thought Torchwood was supposed to be smart.

I rolled my eyes as I stepped off of the weird step… Thing.

"Me?" I looked around the hub.

God, it'd gotten worse. The smell was truly disgusting (mind you, the place was never exactly a bed of roses) there were coats strewn all over the place, and there were pizza boxes everywhere.

"I thought coffee boy was also supposed to be some sort of caretaker?" I asked, "You know, someone to clear up the shit?"

They all looked at me.

Well, they glared at me. Not even that. They looked murderous.

"Jack! Security protocols!" Geek yelled.

"Or not" I laughed, I got out my wrist strap (it was really useful nowadays... Sort of) it beeped loudly "Yeah, your guns now do not work…."

Shit. Wrong button.

"… And now neither does mine"

CRAP!

Jack blinked at me "Clearly your sense of technology has improved" He said sarcastically.

"You have more wrinkles," I muttered. That wiped the smile off of his face.

"At least I use night cream!" He yelled back.

I sighed, "Night cream makes you smell funny!"

It's true, in the (very strange) five years that I was with him, he used night cream, and I couldn't bear to even look at him. Trust me, he looked like a koala that was trying to learn how to shave.

"MOVING ON!" Coffee boy snapped "So… We all have no weapons"

"Except our fists!" Gwen said viscously.

Kinky. I do love a girl who's rough.

We all paused. We all looked around.

I sprinted over for anything sharp. The rest off them disappeared for a second.

Nerd girl came out first "HA!"

She was clutching a keyboard. She expected to hurt me… With a keyboard from her computer?

Jack came out next.

"I'M ARMED!" He yelled.

He was holding a hand in a jar.

"What the-"

"I'M ARMED!" He repeated.

"Figuratively… Or literally?" I asked.

Coffee boy came up, clutching a kettle "You may have crapped up our guns… But we're good at improvising!"

"But that's the new one!" Jack groaned.

Medicine man came out next. He had a bandage in his hands, like they do in the films when they're going to strangle someone with it.

"You guys have seen Charlie's Angels one too many times," I said.

"Wait" Jack paused "Where's Gwen?"

"HERE!" Gwen yelled.

WHAT THE FUCK?

"Gwen" Jack said, "You realise that-"

"Yes, I am using a weevil for my defence mechanism" She nodded.

"No!" I frowned "That's not allowed! Ref!"

They all blinked at me. Crap! I need a weapon. I looked around, and spotted an alien artefact, it looked kinda precious. I grabbed it.

"Ha! Now I have a weapon!"

"You realise" Nerd girl said "That… What you're holding is a whisk, right?"

How the fuck should I know what a whisk is?

***

"Well… It should cause some damage!" I yelled, waving it about "En guard!"

"I'm happy to let this go, you know" Vera Girl smiled at me. Nudging her head in the direction of the... Thing.

She's lying, right?

Right?

"She isn't lying you know" Jack said to me, edging closer.

"Back off!" I yelled, "I'm armed!"

"Oh really?" Jack looked at his 'weapon' of choice "Funny that, 'cause so am I!"

Curses!

"I always knew this thing would come in… Handy" Jack said, smiling his idiotictly-yet-truly-sexy smile.

Trust me, I groaned just as loud as everyone else in the hub.

"That's just ridiculous!" I snapped.

"You could say it was…. Nail bitingly stupid" Nerd girl laughed.

I'd say it was torture.

I rolled my eyes "If you lot don't shut up… I will strangle you, with that hand!"

Funny that, for once they shut up.

Except one of them.

And it doesn't take a genius to guess whom.

"Why are you here?" Jack said loudly.

Alas, my big moment!

"Well-"

SCRREEECCHHH!

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" I screamed, diving for cover.

"Pterodactyl" Nerd girl said simply.

I got up, muttering stuff under my breath, trust me, that thing WILL be dead by the end of today.

"I am here because…"

This is my big moment, and I wasn't going to let some overgrown bird take it away from me.

"I, Captain John Hart plan to kidnap you!"

They all paused.

"Me?" Coffee boy said "I'll live, thanks though"

Oh god, they get thicker by the minute.

"Same!"

"Not my cup of tea"

"Nope!"

There was only one that stayed silent. How odd.

"And you, Jack?" I said calmly.

"Well, obviously I don't really agree..." He said, his fingers rapped against the glass that was trapping the hand.

"Yeah, so… If you others could just sod off, I'm going to tie you up I smiled at them "Oh, and I may just shag him beforehand and- OUCH!"

That hurt!

A kettle had been thrown at me. A KETTLE.

"Just thank god I didn't get the skillet" Coffee boy muttered.

It would help if I knew what a skillet is.

But it sounded dangerous, so I backed off a bit.

"Anyways!" I said loudly "I plan to do something to capture Jack, get rich and not die tryin', so to speak, and…."

This is my favourite part.

"RULE THE WORLD!"

They all blinked at me.

"That's impossible... You're capturing someone from Torchwood"

Why would he want to get rid of a power like that?

"Besides" Jack said "I'll probably annoy you"

I think Gray will sort that factor out.

I shrugged.

"Now, all off you leave, so I can get down to business!" I waved all the others off.

Actually…

"WAIT!" I yelled, "I need, medicine man, nerd girl and possibly coffee boy"

"It's Owen."

"Toshiko"

"And Ianto"

Isn't that what I said?

"Why?" Jack asked.

"Medicine man can help out, nerd girl can film my brilliance, and coffee boy… Well, he's cute…" I winked at him.

"You're evil!" Vera person yelled at me.

"So?"

And then it clicked.

"Are you coming onto me?"

***

They all stared at me like I was some kind of nutter. How rude.

"No" She said slowly "Why would I want to?"

She's just embarrassed.

"Sure?" I said, "Because you know… Last time I met you…"

"DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GET YOUR FACE RIPPED OFF?" She screamed at me, loosening her hand on the… Ugly mug's chains.

On one hand, if I did get my face ripped off, I could get a transplant, and I won't be recognised, therefore the police won't recognise that I'm a wanted man and chase after me wherever I go.

On the other hand. This face is just so darn handsome.

So I backed off a bit.

I mean, she'll come round to my way of thinking soon anyways.

And it didn't stop me from winking at her.

"Really? Are you really that desperate?" She asked me.

"This is nonsense!" Jack said loudly.

Just because he's jealous of me and Vera Girl getting on well together.

"Look" I said "Here is what is going to happen"

So thick they need the slow approach.

"Well, I have to capture you, and, you know... Basically fuck up your life"

"Right" Jack nodded.

They seem enthusiastic.

"Off you pop then" I jerked my head in the direction of some handcuffs.

"Fine" Jack said simply.

Whao… I thought we'd have to beat each other up first or something. Naked mud wrestling maybe… Mm…

"What?"

"What?"

"WHAT?"

Get a grip. Losers!

"I've lived too long" Jack said "And I feel that my time will be over soon, I wish you all luck and-"

"Oh, spare the bloody speech!" I yelled "Shirt off and get the handcuffs on!"

I would have asked for trousers off…

Jack winked at me (with his shiny eyes) and took off his shirt.

"Must you flex your muscles as you do it?" I sighed.

Show off.

"Okay... So"

Damn. What was I supposed to do next?

"What?" Jack was looking at me.

"Right. Now just... Stay where you are" I said to him.

He won't run off, right?

I opened my wristwatch (still painful!) and tried to get ahold of Gray.

ANSWER MACHINE?

I looked around. Damn, I need to stall.

I turned at smiled at Jack.

"Now I'm guessing that your little friends are going to try and shoot me, so…"

Half an hour later.

"YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE!" Gwen screamed "FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING-"

"Now. Language!" I smiled, leaning against the cell.

She slammed herself against it. I think she was hoping that she could walk through walls or something.

"ARSEHOLE!"

God, manners. I feel sorry for her boyfriend.

"Look if you can just-"

Ring.

Ring ring.

"Don't. You. Dare"

I've always wanted to go on one of those… Mobile things, I grabbed her jacket and shook it until it fell out.

Help if I knew how to answer the call.

"Um…" I prodded a couple of buttons "HELLO?"

"Hi… Yeah, is Gwen there?"

"NO. SHE IS BUSY" I yelled.

"He isn't deaf!" Gwen snapped at me.

"Are you alright, mate?"

"I AM FINE. CAN. YOU. HEAR ME?" I screamed

"But…"

Um…

BANG!

"What! You shot my phone!" Gwen yelled, "That was new!"

"So, it's not about being locked up and me killing Jack anymore… It's about your phone?"

"Um…"

No need for a reply there then.

"Okay Jack" I smiled, leaning over him (and trying to avert my eyes away from his... strong and flexing, smooth and tanned... chest) "Comfy?"

"Well, I am a little cold-"

"Good!"

I watched ER or something the other day. So I plan to copy off of that and hope for the best. It was dead dramatic.

"Okay… Knife!" I yelled.

"WHAT?" Jack screamed.

"Well... I just want to see how long it takes for you to die" I smiled to him.

Jack blinked at me, and grumbled something.

***

"Right" This should be simple.

Should be.

"Just give me the damn knife!" I snapped to minion.

(I've forced the medical man to help me)

"Well, it kinda depends on what one you want" He said to me.

Do I look like I care?

"All of them then!" I snapped.

Jack looked up at me; I think he was starting to get worried.

"Actually, you know, I think we should just call it a- OW!" He screamed.

Always wanted to do that.

"You just kicked him in the crotch!" Owen yelled, defending his own. Just in case.

"Oh god" Jack groaned on the floor.

"Knife!" I snapped at Owen, who backed away.

With any help, he'll tell me what a knife is.

"Private down" Jack whimpered.

I looked up at Coffee/eye candy boy, who was gawping at him.

"Well, I wouldn't say Private" I laughed. He glared at me "What? Don't tell me you never did the tape measure thing"

"It lied!" He said quickly.

Ah, that's what I thought…

Jack grabbed onto a table and pulled himself up "That- Was uncalled for!"

"Yeah yeah. Sit!" I snapped, pointing at the table, I grabbed something (it looked sharp and like it could do a lot of damage!)

WAIT! What would Doctor-oh-so-hot-but-crap-at-relationships-in-ER-or-some-over-dramatic-medical-show do?

"Okay, so I'm going to saw you up... And, you know... Watch as you die" I said to Jack.

That's what they do, right?

I moved the sharp thing closer towards Jack "Now- Stay still"

"DARLING, WHERE ARE YOU?"

Crap.

Oh crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

This isn't happening.

It was my wrist strap. We all stared at it.

"…What?" Jack laughed.

"DARLING!" She screeched again. Jack grabbed my wrist.

"Hello?" He said, trying hard not to laugh.

This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening!

"HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Who is that?" Owen said.

"Um… No-one…" I muttered.

"Well she seems to know you!" Jack said.

"DARLING, THE TABLES HAVE BEEN BOOKED AND WE HAVE THAT APPOINTMENT WITH THE DOCTOR AT ONE, REMEMBER? WE REALLY MUST ASK HIM ABOUT YOUR-"

Jack blinked at me as I hurriedly turned the thing off.

"That is Alice" I muttered, "She knows me. I know her. You know"

"Okay then…"

"I mean, she's hot. Like H-O-T, but… A bit…"

Jack raised his eyebrows.

"Very… OTT"

But a hot OTT girl at that.

WAIT! Hang on a minute. HANG ON ONE LITTLE OTT GIRL SECOND.

I spun around "Ah"

Crud.

Eye Candy (or Ianto as he preferred), Nerd-I-know-where-you-live-because-I-can-hack girl (or Tish or something-I forget) and The Doctor dude were all there.

With guns.

"I thought they didn't work"

Nerd Girl rolled her eyes, as if it was obvious "Yeah, I hacked into your signal, then dissected the…"

Oh, here we go.

Twenty Minutes later.

"And then closed it" She finished "And that's how these guns not work"

Sorry, let me just get out of my pyjamas!

"Sorry, you're just too slow" Jack said limping up behind me "I-ow… Think you should spend the night in the cells, just 'till we think of what to do with you"

Life's a bitch.

"Okay" I snapped as one of them grabbed me "Ooh... Kinky"

They pushed me into the cell.

So here I am. Alone with only my thoughts and an ugly thing to accompany me.

Oh god, I'm going to die here!

Do fish burp?

I just cant get you out of my head…

It's begun.

La la la, la la la la la, la la la, la la la la laaaa…

"GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CELL!" I screamed, banging my fists against the wall.

"Language" A voice said, through the intercom.

I just can't get you out of my head

"Someone kill me"

Boy your loving is all I think about

The creature thing growled

I just can't get you out of my head

"Not you!"

Boy it's more than I dare to think about

"NNNNOOOOOOO!"

***

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVEWS, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…."

I think it's working.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…"

I have been repeating that for the past six and a half hours.

Make it seven.

My throat is dry, the ugly thing is howling, I'm hungry, cold, and thirsty, my bum hurts because I've sat in the same place, and I have pins and needles in my feet.

But I'm betting the team are having a FAR worse time.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…"

It. Is. In. My. Head.

And hopefully in theirs!

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

"ONE MORE FUCKING TIME AND I SWEAR I'LL KILL HIM!"

Alas…

THEY TOOK THEIR TIME!

"Gwen, calm down, it's what he wants you to do" Jack said.

Actually, what I want them to do is get me a toilet.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!" A scream came from down the hall.

"GWEN!"

"I'll get the gun!" The Londoner piped up.

Gee, thanks.

Jack walked into the room, his face was red and looked like it had been scratched.

"What…" I paused when he glared at me.

OH!

"Can't help it if you can't keep your employees under control!" I laughed.

"Oh, that's not Gwen's doing… Ianto threw the skillet at me!" He snapped.

I bet eye candy looks hot when he's pissed off.

I drew in my breath.

I going for the Oscar!

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES! I KNOW A- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!"

"GWEN!" Jack yelled "WHAT DID I TELL YOU?"

In.

Pain.

"What? You're telling ME off?" She yelled.

"YOU DON'T THROW THINGS AT MY PRISONERS!"

Especially not a sharp thing!

"Sorry" She breathed for a second "But one more time…"

"GWEN!" Jack snapped.

"I thought I did pretty well" I smiled to Jack.

"When are you going to realise you can't sing?" Jack sighed "The weevil isn't howling because of the rift or anything, it's howling because of you!"

I thought we were both very harmonic.

Just because he wanted to be one of the Spice Girls when he was growing up.

"Let me out?" I looked at him.

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

"Pretty please?"

"NO!"

You know, I think he's worried I might take his lover boy away from him.

I would if I could. Trust me.

"Fine!" I snapped, turning away from him "But… I feel I must tell you something…"

"What?" Jack eyed me suspiciously.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

"JACK!" One of them screamed "LITTLE HELP UP HERE!"

"WHY?" He yelled back.

"GWEN'S GOT A HOLD OF A GUN!"

"I SWEAR TO GOD, IF THAT ANNOYING TWAT DOES THAT ONE MORE TIME!"

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

This is fun.

Maybe I should sing the hokey kokey?

Now, Gray said that if I where to get locked up, all I need to do is blow myself up (by the wristwatch)

I think my plan is better.

***

Next part of - Yes, I do have issues.